Ep #48: Wiping the “Sex Slate” Clean

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™  Podcast, episode 48.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello Diamonds, I hope you’re doing well. As I record this podcast we are in the middle of the Olympics. And I am watching the Simone Biles saga unfold. I’m amazed at the strength and poise that she’s showing as she deals with this heartache and challenges. Really, this is just amazing. A lot of people have labeled this Olympics as a tragedy for Biles. All I know is life is 50/50 and I’m going to wait and see how this all plays out for her. But what I also know is that I’m seeing a woman making choices for herself which others may not necessarily agree with.

I see an amazing example of courage and grace in the middle of unimaginable stress. I’m seeing a woman define what is right for her. And I’m seeing a courageous example of what it’s like when a woman decides to have her own back. She took an experience and decided that she was going to redefine it for herself. She went through the stressful events and chose to wipe the slate clean and rewrite the entire story. She took home a bronze in the beam event but really she took home a gold medal in the game of life.

There’s nothing that she can’t do now. She never has to worry again about not meeting other people’s expectations or their approval. She has weathered the storm and shown that she can get through it. So maybe she doesn’t have a gold medal but what she does have is her freedom, the freedom to be herself and to make the choices for herself because she gave herself that permission. She didn’t wait for anybody else to give it to her, she created a new story, a new story in which you listen to your body and you listen to your mind and you say no.

She wiped the slate clean and redefined gymnastics. She really created a true legacy for herself, for other Olympic athletes and honestly, for all girls and all women around the world. So, I say thank you Simone Biles, thank you for showing us that it’s okay to choose yourself. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to say no, not this time. And it’s okay to wipe the slate clean and redefine it on your own terms.

And that’s what I want to talk to you about today. It’s about wiping the slate clean and redefining it for yourself. And you might be asking yourself or me what exactly is the slate that Dr. Sonia’s talking about? Well, you know me, it’s going to have something to do with sex. And in this instance it has everything to do with sex and how we’re going to define sex for you, for you my Diamond. This is really important. Are you going to wipe the sex slate clean and do a do over? Why do you need to do a do over? Let me tell you.

Because sex is so narrowly defined in our society that there’s not much room left for fun. I hear from my Diamonds all the time that they’re concerned about doing it right, doing sex right. They’re so focused on their performance and they feel like they’re being judged by their partners. Well, let’s stop for a moment and realize the odds are our partners are not judging our expertise in the bedroom. And the odds are also that you are the one that’s judging yourself.

Basically, you have accepted what society has said and how society has defined sex. And then proceeded to evaluate yourself on so many different levels. And I’m quite sure there’s an emotional bully in there somewhere along for the ride. No pun intended. Okay, maybe a little bit of a pun was intended. But anyway, let’s take a minute to look at how we’re defining sex and how sex is defined in our society. If we want to wipe it clean let’s look at what we are erasing because it’s important to understand what ideas are in our mind.

It’s important that we all create a list as to what and how we define sex. What are your rules around sex? I bet you’d be surprised at all the thoughts you have in your head about what defines sex as good sex or bad sex, what has to be present to say that you had sex, what your rules are about doing sex. There’s so many thoughts that we have around this. And we’re going to list them all out. We’re going to look at it. And here are a few that I’ve come across when working with women.

Sex is usually defined in a heteronormative context. Sex is between a man and a woman, it involves penetration. It must involve penetration, specifically penis and vagina sex. So maybe you were taught it’s for procreation only. Maybe you were taught it’s not about pleasure, and specifically it’s not about a woman’s pleasure because you were probably taught somewhere that it is about a man’s pleasure and men are allowed to have pleasure. For it to be evaluated or rated as good it has to involve a man’s orgasm.

Maybe you learned it happens at night. Maybe you learned that it takes place in the bedroom. Maybe you were taught that women have to have a committed relationship to engage in sexual intimacy. Maybe you have a belief that women can’t just want sex, to want sex. There has to be love or at least like or some sort of connection in there. Maybe you have it in your mind that it finishes with an orgasm. Or maybe your thought is you should not take too long to have an orgasm. Maybe there’s thoughts about your partner cannot cum too soon or erections must be maintained at all cost.

Maybe you have this thought in there that it’s better if orgasms are simultaneous. Here’s another thought. It’s optimal that a woman’s orgasm comes from penetrative sex and not necessarily oral sex or stimulation to her vulva and clitoris. Maybe you have a thought that libido has to be spontaneous, that sex is ultimately about your partner’s pleasure. Maybe there’s a thought in there that if a woman uses sex toys then she’s a freak. If a man allows sex toys in the bed it means he’s not a good lover.

Really I could go on and on about this list. But this list is basically a list of bullshit. I said it, it’s bullshit, it’s all bullshit. Basically, what’s happening is that we have boxed ourselves in so badly to the point that we’re now having such a narrow definition of sex. And if sex does not meet this criteria then there’s something wrong with us, with the sex. Something’s going wrong here. You know what’s going wrong here? Is that we are not having any fun. People, we’re defining sex so narrowly that we’re not enjoying ourselves.

Well, actually I’m enjoying myself because I don’t define sex that narrowly. But let me tell you who is having fun. The ones that has wiped the slate clean and said, “Fuck this, I’ll do what I want.” Those are the ones that are actually having fun right now. So, it’s time to get rid of all those preconceived ideas about sex. It’s time to get rid of the list. Your ideas about sex is actually what’s killing your sex. Look at your list, just look at the list.

Who can actually enjoy sex if you’re focused so much on the performance side of things, that sex has to be a certain way? If you focus so much on checking all the boxes to see if your sexual activity meets a criteria for good sex then you’re focusing on the wrong thing. What would it be like if we just took a big eraser and cleared off all our preconceived ideas? What would it look like if we just started over again? What would it look like if we had a do over? I totally 100% believe in do overs.

Where are all these ideas about sex coming from anywhere? When did you come up with these ideas? Or when were these ideas given to you? Were you 13? Were you a teenager? Maybe you were in your early 20s. That might be 30, 40 years ago. You’re not a teenager now, you’re a grown woman. And it’s totally and completely time for a do over. We are wiping the sex slate clear and we’re going to start again. How would you like to define sex for you?

If this were a recipe and we were creating this recipe from scratch, what would you put in the recipe? What would your ingredients be? Would you add more touching? Would you add more cuddling? Would you add more spanking? Would you add more kink? Would you add more toys? Would you just add a few more make out sessions a week for fun? How do you define fun? What does sexual fun look like for you? And what would you take out? Would you take out to do list sex? Just say goodbye to that, please say goodbye to that.

Would you take out missionary position 10 minute sex? Would you take out painful sex? Remember, this is your sex slate. And you get to completely define it for you yourself. I like me myself and I. You get to define it for you. Sometimes it actually is hard to figure out what you want. Sometimes it’s easy to mark off all the things you don’t want but sometimes it’s hard to figure out what exactly you do want to write on your slate. So, let’s come at it from a different perspective.

What if you’re not writing this slate for yourself? What if you were writing it for your 15 year old self? Or maybe what if you were writing this slate for your 15 year old daughter, or your niece, or your family friend, what would you like to put on her slate? Maybe you want to put fun on her slate. Maybe you want to allow her to define pleasure. Maybe you want to add and make sure she puts consent in there as she’s learning about sex and sexual activities. Maybe you want to discuss with her self-pleasuring activities so she gets to learn about her body.

If you think about it, the average 15 year old boy is engaging in exploring his body. But women are not and girls are not given that permission to explore their body. But then they become sexually active and some of them have explored their bodies. And others have not had the opportunity to explore their body and they’re trying to figure out their body from somebody else that does not know their body as well as they should know their own body. So maybe self-pleasure activities is what you would put on your 15 year old slate, or on your daughter’s slate, or a family friend’s slate.

What would you give her permission to write on her slate? Or even more importantly, would you give her permission to give herself permission? Somehow she needs to have that permission to engage and to learn about sex and sexual intimacy. And it doesn’t have to be with anybody else. So, what would you give her permission to explore about her sexuality?

And after you answer these questions, do this this exercise and then redefine it in terms of you right now, the current you instead of the 15 year old you, or the family friend. Because I can guarantee you, whatever the 15 year old needs to hear is really what the 55 year old probably needs to hear as well. So, after you write the slate out for her, read it over and look at it and recognize that this slate may also be for you. And what are your thoughts about that?

Maybe she needs to hear that her body is just perfect as it is right now and she doesn’t need to starve in order to make it sexy. Maybe she needs to hear it’s about her pleasure and she gets to prioritize her pleasure. Maybe she needs to hear that sex cannot truly be defined, it’s about touch, it’s about connection, it’s about satisfaction. Maybe she gets to hear that she’s allowed to explore her body and learn to give herself pleasure. Maybe she’s allowed to learn that nobody gets to criticize or judge her about her sexual performance, least of all herself.

So, what do you think that she needs? And what do you think that you need in order to give yourself permission, and in order to redefine sex for you, and in order to enjoy your sexuality? Diamonds, give yourself the do over, wipe that slate clean and give yourself a do over. Give yourself permission to redefine sexual intimacy on your terms and what it means for you. And recognize that this is equally important for your partner as well.

So have your partner, if they are interested in doing this, don’t force them. Don’t say, “Dr. Sonia said you need to do this.” But if they’re interested in doing this, have your partner write out their thoughts about sex, what their rules are about sex, what they think sex is, what their definition of sex, what parts have to be there for them to call it sex. And it’s interesting to see how they define sex and how that’s been impacting your sexual relations. They get to give themselves permission for a do over as well. They get to redefine sex for themselves, the way they want to redefine it and it’s okay.

And recognize that this is not a one and done thing, but it’s a continuous process throughout our life stages. We are constantly redefining sex for ourselves as we age and as things change. So, sex does not have to stay the same and it usually doesn’t. What it looked like 20 years ago is not what it looks like right now. And it’s definitely not what it’s going to look like in 20 years from now. But everything gets to be defined as sex and sexual intimacy and you dear Diamonds are the ones who get to define it for yourself.

So, Diamonds, get out there and give yourself the gift of sex on your own terms, it can be a beautiful thing. Give up all the notions of what sex should be and focus on what you would like it to be.

Okay, Diamonds, that’s all for now, till next week, Dr. Sonia out. Take care. Have a great time clearing your slate and redefining sex for you.

Diamonds, how is your sex life? No, really, how is your sex life? On a scale of one to ten how would you rate it? You know I’m all about the intimacy for women in midlife. If you rated the passion in your life as less than an eight then we need to talk, sister. I’m personally inviting you to check out my new program, Your Empowered Sexuality 30 day kick starter. I am so excited about this program. Most of you know that I have an impossible goal to positively impact the sex lives of over a million women. And I am just getting started.

Come work with me for 30 days to kick start that intimacy in your life. Let’s create that amazing, satisfying, intimacy that you deserve. Let’s face it, if you’re in your 40s, 50s or 60s, you could have 30 to 50 more years of intimacy ahead of you. What do you want that intimacy to look like? Let’s get real and talk about what’s going on with your body, your libido, let’s see what we can do to kickstart this intimacy. This program is for you whether or not you have a partner.

If you are a woman who wants to enjoy all aspects of her life then this is the program for you. It finally gets to be your time. So, click on the link in the show notes or on my website at soniawrightmd.com and come join me for Your Empowered Sexuality aka YES, Your Empowered Sexuality 30 day kick starter. I cannot wait to see you Diamond, talk to you soon. Take care.