Ep #104: Who, Why, What, and How

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women^TM Podcast, episode 104.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women^TM Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello Diamonds, how are you doing? I’m recording this podcast really late at night. And it might be one of those you get what you get kind of podcast. It’s going to be off the cuff but it’s a message that’s really important to me. I think it’s my number one message that I have and I’ll just give you a little background. Of course, I coach a lot of people privately and a lot of women come to me because their partners are asking for more sex. And they come to me and they want to figure out how to increase their libido and how to have more sex.

And I ask them, “What is your why? What is your reason for doing this?” And they basically tell me, the majority of the time they tell me the same thing, that their partner wants more sex and so that’s why they’re doing it. And my response is always the same, “That can’t be your number one reason.” It could be one of your reasons. Before I would say it can’t be a reason at all but now I’m like, “Okay, alright, it can be a reason.”

But let’s get real about this, this can’t be the number one reason because if we’re doing something for somebody else, after a period of time we’re not going to be inspired any longer to keep doing it. You’re going to go back to whatever was happening previously. If you were in a sexless relationship previously that’s probably what it’s going to revert back to because your why is not big enough. Your reason for wanting to do this is not necessarily big enough. Big enough in that maybe it’s based because you love your partner or whatever.

But it doesn’t actually put you in the equation. Anything that doesn’t put you in the equation is not going to be sustainable in the long run. And the interesting thing about this is society often says that women should sacrifice and should be selfless, and should be thinking about other people. And this is one of the areas that I believe when I’m talking about intimacy, sexual intimacy, that we can’t just focus on another person. After a while we’re just going to get back to our baseline where we’re not necessarily interested.

You’re going to need to want to do it for yourself. You’re going to have to figure out what your why is, your big why, and maybe your why is not just one huge why, maybe it’s 10/15 different reasons. The more reasons that you can come up for why you want to increase the intimacy in your life, the sexual intimacy in your life the better off you’re going to be because some days even if your big why, the thing that motivates you it won’t always be there to motivate you. So sometimes we’re going to need to depend on our second, or third, or fourth reason.

So often what I say to people on coaching is, “Come up with 15 reasons why you want to improve the sexual intimacy in your life.” And they look at me and they’re like, “15, are you kidding me?” I’m like, “15, you don’t have to do it all at once, just over the course of a week, just write down 15 reasons why you would like to be interested in sexual intimacy.

And I’d like at least half of them to be something to do with you, something to do with maybe you want more pleasure in your life, maybe you want to experience all different aspects of being a sexual being. Maybe you want to explore your body, something to do with you.” Yes, that’s what I ask my Diamonds to do and that’s what I’m asking you to do. So, you have a whole week before our podcast comes out again next week. What do you think that you would write down as your reason? You can start with what’s your reason for listening to this podcast?

What’s the reason that you would like to improve the intimacy in your life? Of course, one of my favorite reasons is because this is going to impact your future for the next 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 more years of sexual intimacy. And you don’t want to go through the motions, you want to be enjoying yourself. You want to really know what it’s like to have that mind blowing sex or to have that pleasure for you. This is what it’s really about. So, take some time to focus on what your why is because your why is going to be very important.

And while we’re talking about why we want to do this, take some time to identify what exactly is it that you want. Women come to me telling me what their partners want, or maybe they come to me telling me kind of what they think they should want because society has said that you should have sex three or four times a week, that you should find it to be pleasure, or it’s a wifely duty or something like that. They have a should list. My partner says I should want this.

Society says I should want this but I’m really not that interested in what society says. I’m really not that interested in what your partner says because I know none of that’s sustainable. What is it that you want? And if you don’t know, that’s okay. We’re going to take the time to figure it out now. Do you want more pleasure? Do you want more orgasms? Do you want more connection with your partner? You get to decide. The longer I do this work as a life coach and a sex coach I realize it is really about you, the client, you the woman.

You’re the one that gets to make the decision but very often you don’t even know exactly what you want. And that’s where just having a conversation comes in, having a conversation with me, having a conversation with yourself, what exactly is it that you want? Do you want more frequency? Do you want more pleasure, more sustainable pleasure? Would you like more cuddles? Would you like less penetration and more of something else? Would you like more penetration and less of something else?

Would you like to try something different? You get to decide. But it is going to take a minute, some minutes, maybe just one of your time to kind of sit down and write out. So, so far what I’ve asked you to do is to write down 15 reasons why you want to improve the sexual intimacy in your life. And have at least half of those 15 reasons be about you. I would prefer all of them but I’ll live with it, I’ll live with half. And then when you decide the why, then look into deciding the what. What, what is it that you want?

What is it that you want, frequency, more intimacy, more sex acts, more laughing together, more walking and holding hands? You get to decide what intimacy and specifically sexual intimacy looks like for you. So, it’s the why and it’s the what. And then we get to the how. The how, let me just say the interesting thing about the how. I think that it’s always good to have a plan but the way it ends up is never the way it starts with your plan. Okay, so there is the why, there’s the what, there’s the how.

And then there’s the other part of the how which is how do you tap into the sexual intimacy in your system, in your body. How do you tap into your libido? How do you tap into your interest? What is it that makes you more interested in sex and sexual intimacy with yourself or with your party? Your party, this is a party. Definitely could be a party of one, it could be a party of two and it could be a party of more than two, you get to decide. There should be a law against Dr. Sonia doing her podcast after 11 o’clock at night.

She should only be allowed to do it early in the morning which is normally when she does it. Late at night she becomes a little punch drunk or whatever. No, I’m not drinking in any way, I just I’m having a lot of fun with this podcast. So being that I’m asking you about what makes you more interested in sex and sexual intimacy. That is part of the how. When we’re looking at a plan on how to do this work there is the plan that society tells us and then there’s the plan that our hearts, our mind, our body tells us.

And I’m more interested in the plan that our heart, and mind, and body tells us because each woman is unique. I think some of you know that I have a thing for Old Spice, and I have been known to walk around behind people wearing Old Spice, and just be happy. That for me is one of the things that makes me more interested in sexual intimacy. What is it that does it for you? It probably isn’t Old Spice. But my partner definitely knows that I like Old Spice and makes sure that that’s available.

So, what is it that makes you more interested in sex and sexual intimacy? This is going to help color your how, to help color your plan. So, there’s the plan if you want to say schedule at certain nights of the week or something like that. And then there’s the how to ease into the plan, how to get your mind, and your body in alignment. Maybe it’s through mindfulness. Maybe it’s through relaxation that you need. Everybody has a different way to get to that sensual sexual place.

And so, there’s the plan and then there’s the how do I tap into my body. Only you know how to tap into your body. And so that becomes an important part. So, we talked about the why, and give me 15 reasons and hopefully you are in there somewhere. We talked about the what, what it is that you would like. We talked about the plan, recognizing that there is a plan. And this plan, how it ends up being may not be the way that it starts off but it’s okay, we just start with a plan and we recognize that it’s going to change up.

So maybe the plan is we’ll start with date night. Maybe the plan is that you have as I said, you schedule sex or maybe you have a date night, or maybe you have a special time with yourself. Maybe it looks like you have sexual intimacy with yourself at certain times and sexual intimacy with your partner. It can look any way you want to. You get to decide what you’d want that plan to come and look like. Now, I usually do sprinkle in there, self-pleasure because really we don’t know our bodies and our bodies are constantly changing.

And so, with that changing body we kind of have to, I say be in realignment with the body, if that makes sense. We need to see what brings us pleasure and what stimulates us, what relaxes us and things that we enjoyed 15/20 years ago are not necessarily things that we enjoy now. And we get to give yourselves permission to explore, explore our bodies and explore things that we might be interested in trying. So, whatever your plan is, I hope that you add in self-pleasure because that’s part of the best thing is to have that connection with yourself.

And I think when you give yourself permission for the self-pleasure, you’re giving yourself permission to be a sexual being on a basic level. It becomes part of your identity. And it’s not being done for somebody else’s pleasure. It’s only being done for your own pleasure. So, you just focus on yourself. You learn more about your body. You learn more about what it is that you’re interested in and then you go from there.

There is no wrong way to do this. There’s no right answer, there’s no wrong answer. You just get to figure this out as you go along. So often in our society we’ve been rewarded from a very young age, if we can figure out the right way to do things, or the right answer. This is an individual process. There is no right way. There is no right answer. You just get to try things out and if you like it, then you continue it, you add it to your smorgasbord as I call it. If you don’t like it, you don’t continue it, you try something else.

What I don’t want you to do is to try on somebody else’s way of doing things and then try to make it your own. And then if you aren’t able to make it your own then you punish yourself by saying there’s something wrong with you. For example, if your partner has a higher libido than you, that doesn’t mean that your libido has to change. There’s nothing wrong with your libido.

If we come from a place where there’s something wrong with our libido and we have to change our libido to match somebody else’s libido, we’re kind of losing ourselves in that process. We’re not focusing on what we want. So, this is not about matching your libido to somebody else or figuring out how to do things the right way. This is all about you, figuring out about what it is that you’re interested and recognizing that there’s no right, there’s no wrong way. You are not right or wrong, they are not right or wrong. It just gets to be and you get to be who you are and they get to be who they are.

Your interests are your interests and their interests are their interests, if that makes sense. You don’t have to take on anything that they may be saying in terms of there’s something wrong with you because there is not anything wrong with you. You’re your own unique person and you get to do this work from your own perspective and your own identity. Now, having said that here’s another question for you. If you could have anything you want in terms of sexual intimacy, what would you want? Take a minute to ask yourself that question. What is it that you’d want?

And if you knew that no matter what it was you could have it, what do you think it would be. This gets to be kind of like just a fun exercise to do. What would you like in terms of sexual intimacy? You get to decide. There’s nothing wrong, there’s no right or wrong way of doing this. And you could possibly have everything you ever wanted. What would it be that you want? What if you lived your life in sexual abundance?

Remember I talked about that way back, I’ll put in the show notes a link to that podcast episode. But living in sexual abundance or sex abundance as I called it back then is basically where you are in tune or in flow with your sensuality and your sexuality. And it’s not coming from a place of scarcity, it’s coming from a place of abundance.

So, if you are right now experiencing a sexless marriage or a sexless relationship where you’re having sex less than 10 times a year and your mind has shifted to this place of scarcity where you don’t think anything’s going to get better. What if we just shifted it to this place of abundance where everything you wanted was available for you? Because it actually is available, if you can shift your mindset, it’s all available for you. But first you have to ask and how you ask is by figuring out what it is that you want. And so sexual abundance helps you to figure out what it is that you want.

Ask and expect to receive. It may not come exactly how you planned it to come and it may not look exactly how you think it should look. But the end result will be there. Okay, this is just a short podcast today. So, we’re talking about what it is that you want, why it is that you want, how it is that you want, coming from a place of abundance and not scarcity and having a belief that you can change the sexual intimacy in your life but from a place where you want it, where you define it.

Not where you’re just sitting in the passenger seat in the car and somebody else is telling you what it is you want, we’re done with the passenger seat. We’re driving now. We’re figuring out what we want. And we’re giving ourselves permission to ask and actually to demand what we want sexually, what we want our sexual intimacy to look like. So, if you need anyone to give you permission I’m willing to write a prescription. I’m willing to write a prescription for sexual abundance and you actually can fill in what that means for you.

Okay, Diamonds, this was short and sweet, and to the point. Remember the why, the what, the how, how specifically for you, tapping into your sex abundance and not coming from a place of scarcity and knowing that everything is available to you. Okay, Dr. Sonia out. Talk to you next week.

Hey Diamonds, do you want to reignite the passion that’s gone missing from your life? Do you want to want to want it again? You know I’m on a mission to end the emotional pain and isolation that women experience associated with sexual difficulties. And many of you also know that I was once in that place where I was experiencing little to no sexual intimacy in my life. And I kept thinking that there was something that was wrong with me, that I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t attractive enough, I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t smart enough to fix this problem.

And I was worried all the time that my relationship was too far gone because of this lack of intimacy. Well, you know what? I was right about one thing, the relationship didn’t last. But even though the relationship didn’t last I committed to doing the work that I needed to do to own my sexuality. And now I have this amazing sex life and it’s everything that I wanted it to be. And I’m also committed to helping my Diamonds by teaching them the same strategies that I figured out in order to revitalize the intimacy in their life.

So, if you want to stop feeling broken, if you want to stop feeling shame and guilt about sexuality, if you want to feel more comfortable with your sexuality and tap into that pleasure then I’m here for you, Diamonds. First of all, know that there’s nothing that’s gone wrong with you. You’re not broken. And you know what? You can solve your intimacy issues. You can let go of that shame and guilt, and you can tap into that passionate person that’s just waiting to come out. Let’s get on a strategy call together and let’s discuss how we can work together and how I can help you.

And know that a strategy call, it’s 100% a safe place, there is no judgment. We’ll talk about your intimacy situation, which is what’s going on right now. We’re also going to talk about your intimacy goals, what you would like your intimacy to look like in the future. And then we’ll talk about how we could possibly work together to come up with a personalized strategy plan for you so you can get the results that you need. So, Diamonds, I’m here for you, don’t wait another minute. Book that consultation call with me today and I can’t wait to talk to you.

You can get that consultation call by going to soniawrightmd.as.me. And the link is also in the show notes. Okay, have a great day. I can’t wait to talk to you. Take care.