Ep #32: Un-doctrination: Saying Goodbye to the Fairytale

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast, episode 32.

Female Announcer: Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello Diamonds. How are you doing today? It’s so great to talk to you. I’m really excited about today’s episode. Most of you know that I have an online group called Own Your Sexuality Now. And in Own Your Sexuality Now we do a monthly book club. And right now we are reading Glennon Doyle’s Untamed. This is an amazing book, that’s all I have to say. You have to get your hands in this book and read it either in audio version or paperback, or hardcover, whatever way you can get this book; definitely get your hands on this book.

So in this book Glennon Doyle gets the reader to question societal’s beliefs around being a woman and the constraints that have been imposed upon women. Really this book is so amazing because it really describes the indoctrination of women in our society, basically in little snippets story by story where there’s a theme and she tells a story. And it gets you really to think about what’s going on in terms of the indoctrination of women in our society.

So basically indoctrination is a process of teaching someone or a whole group of people to accept a set of beliefs without question, without evaluation. And I have to say Glennon Doyle, I’m much more interested in the un-doctrination of women. What? Yes, I know I said it, the un-doctrination of women. If there’s an indoctrination then there should be an un-doctrination. So the process of teaching women to evaluate a set of beliefs and choose what works for them, that’s what I think of as un-doctrination.

We get to look at the set of beliefs that have been given to us by society and decide if it’s a set of beliefs that we want to continue to believe or if we want to discard because it’s not helping us.

So you’ve heard me talk previously about the socialization of women in our patriarchical society around the issue of sex and sexuality. But if we look at the socialization of women overall then we have to look at how half our population is essentially indoctrinated to be selfless in order for the entire society to prosper. But I ask at whose expense? From a young age girls and women are essentially sold a fairytale of love, marriage, children, that’s kind of the formula that’s going to lead to being happy ever after.

And if you don’t get that happy ever after it’s because you’re not a good enough wife, you’re not a good enough mother, maybe you’re not a good enough sexual partner. But for some reason we’re taught that this fairytale is reality and all of our dreams can come true if we follow this formula. Well, Diamonds I really have news for you. Let me tell you there’s actually no happy ever after because there’s no perfect wife, there’s no perfect mother, there’s no perfect sexual partner. There’s only a woman. And a woman will experience joy and pain, happiness and sadness, contentment and anger because life is 50/50.

But for some reason women are indoctrinated to believe that they can be a 100% happy and they can be a 100% happy if they get that fairytale ending, then they can live happily ever after. And we are taught from a young age to strive for this fairytale. But this fairytale comes at a really high cost. And let’s face it; the price of admission for this fairytale is to play small and to essentially be selfless. And girls learn this lesson from a very early age. If you’re a girl and you’re loud or you’re strong willed then you’re labeled as a problem. You’re not labeled as a leader, you’re labeled as bossy.

And if you’re a woman and you don’t want kids and you don’t want marriage then there’s something wrong with you. You get labels like spinster, over the hill, whatever it is, but there’s something wrong with you that you don’t want children and you don’t want a marriage. And we were also taught to live in fear about being labeled abnormal in some way. So the majority of women play along with this game.

We do all the things that we’re supposed to do and we strive to get all the things that we’re supposed to get. We get an education. We look for the perfect partner. We try to be the perfect partner ourselves. We try to get the best job possible. And then when that doesn’t work, when we don’t feel satisfied and happy ever after then we decide that it’s time to have some kids and that’ll be the answer. So then we start adding children to the mix. So we’re basically adding on responsibility, after responsibility, after responsibility in the hopes that we find our happiness.

But generally what happens is that we wake-up in our mid 40s and we look around and we realize that we’ve been sold the fairytale. And we realize that there’s no prince, there’s no princess, there’s no non-binary royalty that’s going to save us. No one was ever going to save us. It was a lie. And we get to that place where we realize that we need to save ourselves. In some ways we are actually sleeping beauties but we need to kiss ourselves. And that kiss usually happens in our mid 40s. We look around and we ask ourselves, “Is this all there is? I thought I was supposed to be happy.”

And maybe you thought that if you followed the rules that it would all work out for you. But instead you’re left wondering why am I feeling so unfulfilled? Why am I feeling so unfulfilled in your life, maybe unfulfilled in your relationships, and probably even unfulfilled sexually? And you know what? Here’s my favorite saying coming up. Nothing has gone wrong. It’s just our reality at that moment but nothing has gone wrong. If we sit there and we say that something has gone wrong then we spend a lot of time and energy spinning and believing that it should not have been this way.

And then we’re fighting with reality and we know that any time we fight with reality we’re going to lose a 100% of the time. All we need to do is acknowledge that we’re not feeling fulfilled and maybe realize that we’re not feeling fulfilled because our needs have not been met. And we’ve been taught to look outside of ourselves for our needs to be met. But what if that’s not true? Well, let me tell you it’s not true.

But one of the main issues is that very often we don’t even know how to identify our needs. We just know that there’s a longing, a discontentment and possibly even anger kind of simmering under the surface. We might be thinking this is bullshit. I was sold a bill of goods and I want more in my life. And I’m hoping that you’re all thinking this, this thought that I want more in my life. So the question becomes what do you want? What do you want at this point? And where do you get it?

So this is a good time to go within ourselves and discover what our inner truths are, the truth about our lives right now, the truth about our needs, and the truth about what exactly is important to us. So this is when we start the un-doctrination process. And I actually chuckle to myself when I think of un-doctrination because I like un-doctrination because I feel like it’s the opposite of indoctrination but it also has that word ‘doc’ in it.

And since I’m a doctor and I’m in the process of leaving behind my identity as a radiologist and shifting my identity as a sex coach, I really do feel like there’s an un-doctrination going on. As a doctor we are taught so often to be selfless, to put the needs of our patients above ourselves, to put the needs of everybody else above ourselves. We are taught not to listen to our body when our body says it needs sleep. We’re taught not to listen to ourselves when we need to grieve with and for our patients. We’re taught to wall off our emotions and do procedures which can be risky.

We’re taught that this is what we’re supposed to do as a doctor. And part of the process for me is that un-doctrination. And I’m in the process of claiming my identity as a midlife woman in this world. I’m in the process of really claiming my identity as a Black woman in this world. I am in the process of figuring out who I am separate from being a doctor, and separate from being a partner, and separate from being a mother. It’s almost like I’m in the process of un-Sonia-ing in order to re-Sonia-ing, if that’s a word. I love making up words.

But what I’m really trying to do is find my true self. If I take off all the labels, if I take off all the identities that I’ve previously used to describe myself, then what’s left? What’s left of Sonia? What’s left of you? My true self, that’s what’s left. And then I can resort it and bring it back together but not necessarily have my identity based on my profession or based on my relationships. But my identity based on who I am.

And I think it’s not a mistake that we come to this point of de-socializing ourselves in midlife especially for women. This is when we finally have the courage to figure out exactly what we want in our life. And it’s usually also the time, the first time that we get a moment to breathe in our life, to come up for air, and to look around, and to really evaluate what it is that we want in life. In our 20s, in our 30s we’re looking for that education, for that career, then we’re looking for the kids. I should say we’re looking for the partner if we chose the marriage route.

But there is always something that we needed to do and something that we are striving for and we get to this place in midlife where we get to stop for a second and we get to look around. And we get to decide, is this all that we want in life? So I like to think of this time as a time of celebration. It’s a time when we’re processing and discovering our truths. And it’s an essential time in most people’s lives, especially an essential time in women’s lives. This is the time when we figure out who we are. This is the time when we figure out what our needs are.

And this is the time we figure out what we want our future to look like, you know why? Because a partner may not always be there, the children will grow up and leave home. But you never leave yourself, so it’s time to learn more about yourself. I remember once saying that midlife was similar to a second puberty. The hormones are being rearranged in our bodies and we’re just trying to figure it all out again. We’re trying to figure out what our place is in this world, who we are, who we get to be and what we get to ask for.

So, Diamonds during this process of un-doctrination, how would you like to define yourself? How would you like to identity your needs as a person, as a woman? What are your values? What are your core truths? Is it integrity? Is it love? Is it peace? Is it justice? You get to define your core truth for yourselves. But take your time and do this process and figure it out what you believe in, figure out what your needs are.

And in order to discover what your needs are and ultimately to fulfill your own needs you’re going to have to get selfish. Yes, yes, yes, you heard me. You’re going to have to get selfish. And what does it look like to get selfish? First of all know that there’s nothing, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being selfish. I do think it’s very interesting that the definition of selfishness is about lacking concern for others. It’s about being more interested in oneself for profit or for pleasure. And my question is, so what? So what? What would actually happen if we put ourselves first?

If women put themselves first would it be the end of the world or would it actually be the beginning? Would the world actually be a better place? Because half the population would not be feeling that they have to ignore their own needs and take care of everybody else. Half the population would not be feeling a lot of resentment. Half the population would be dreaming. And obviously I don’t believe that every woman is miserable out there.

But I also understand the constraints that society has put upon women. Make it such that our lives can be more difficult, difficult than they have to be. But we can do something about that. So if we actually put ourselves first then we would be focusing on meeting our own needs instead of expecting other people to meet our needs for us. We wouldn’t need that fairytale. We wouldn’t need that prince, or princess, or non-binary royalty to save us because we would be saving ourselves.

So if we actually put ourselves first then we would focus upon meeting our own needs instead of expecting other people to meet our needs for us. We would not need to focus on controlling, or manipulating, or urging other people in order to make us feel better. We wouldn’t be expecting other people to meet our needs, which essentially is a formula for frustration and futility.

If we were simply working on meeting our own needs then we wouldn’t be attempting to get other people to make us happy, to meet our needs. And we would also be demonstrating for our children, especially our daughters that it is okay to take care of ourselves and to meet our own needs. We would be teaching our sons that it’s not their responsibility to save anyone and that they also get to meet their own needs. Just as I talk about the fact that you’re responsible to meet your own needs sexually, you need to understand that you are responsible to meet your own needs overall in your life.

So take some time to figure out exactly what it is that you would like your life to look like if your needs were being met by you. If we were going to look at a thought cascade or a model then the situation, the circumstance could be your life. And if you want to figure out how to get the results that you want by meeting your own needs then maybe look at your feeling that you’re feeling right now, which maybe unfulfilled. What do you think your thoughts would be that are leading you to feeling unfulfilled?

Look and see what actions you’re currently taking and what results you’re getting. And then you can do what they call an intentional thought cascade or an intentional model. And in this model maybe you want the feeling to be fulfilled. You’re the one that knows what the feeling is that you want. And the situation is the same, but what thoughts would lead to this feeling of fulfillment? And if you were feeling fulfilled then what actions would you take? Maybe the actions would be rest, and meditation, maybe exercise or self-pleasure and then you would get that result that you want.

And maybe that result would be coming to a place of peace, and joy, and self-compassion. You get to choose what you want to create in your world. You get to choose what thoughts you want to think in order to create that. You get to figure out how you want to feel in order to take the actions and end up with the results that you want in your life.

But eventually you’re going to be able to live these feelings and then extend the same feelings of peace, and joy, and love, and compassion that you’re experiencing, you can extend those and feel them towards other as well. And that’s what it’s all about. So no, Diamonds, I have to tell you there is no fairytale ending, at least not the way they have it in the fairytales where there is a happy ever after. You can get that happy ever after but it’s not necessarily found through marriage, or kids, or the perfect job, or something outside of yourself.

The happy ever after is found within you because you get to create it. You get to meet your own needs. And part of this process to get to that place is to undoctrinate yourself.

Okay Diamonds, that’s all for un-doctrination for now. We are going to talk again next week and in the meantime have a great week and I’ll be talking to you soon.

Hey Diamonds, do you want to reignite the passion that’s gone missing from your life? Do you want to want to want it again? You know I’m on a mission to end the emotional pain and isolation that women experience associated with sexual difficulties. And many of you also know that I was once in that place where I was experiencing little to no sexual intimacy in my life. And I kept thinking that there was something that was wrong with me, that I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t attractive enough. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t smart enough to fix this problem.

And I was worried all the time that my relationship was too far gone because of this lack of intimacy. Well, you know what? I was right about one thing. The relationship didn’t last. But even though the relationship didn’t last I committed to doing the work that I needed to do to own my sexuality. And now I have this amazing sex life and it’s everything that I wanted it to be. And I’m also committed to helping my Diamonds by teaching them the same strategies that I figured out in order to revitalize the intimacy in their life.

So if you want to stop feeling broken, if you want to stop feeling shame and guilt about sexuality, if you want to feel more comfortable with your sexuality and tap into that pleasure then I’m here for you Diamonds. First of all know that there’s nothing that’s gone wrong with you. You’re not broken. And you know what? You can solve your intimacy issues. You can let go of that shame and guilt, and you can tap into that passionate person that’s just waiting to come out.

Let’s get on a strategy call together. And let’s discuss how we can work together and how I can help you. And know that a strategy call, it’s like a 100% a safe place, there’s no judgment. We’ll talk about your intimacy situation which is what’s going on right now. We’re also going to talk about your intimacy goals, what you would like your intimacy to look like in the future. And then we’ll talk about how we could possibly work together to come up with a personalized strategy plan for you so you can get the results that you need.

So, Diamonds, I’m here for you. Don’t wait another minute, book that consultation call with me today. And I can’t wait to talk to you. You can get that consultation call by going to soniawrightmd.as.me and the link is also in the show notes. Okay, have a great day. I can’t wait to talk to you. Take care.