Ep #84: Unconditional Love: The Lube of Life

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast episode 84.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, Diamonds. It’s so good to be talking to you all. I really missed you. I’m finally home in Minnesota. March and the first half of April have been a whirlwind with all the medical and coaching conferences that I’ve attended in the last couple of weeks. I am so glad to be home.

Okay, okay, it’s still snowing periodically in Minnesota. Yesterday it got down to about 25 degrees and there was micro hail. I was like, “Oh, okay.” After coming back from Texas, the weather in Minnesota was definitely a shock to the system. But we also had a few warm days that got into the high 50s. Definitely a mixed bag here in Minnesota. And I’ve learned not to get upset with Minnesota and the weather.

I find it best if I accept that there will be a chance of snow up until the month of May and actually through the month of May as well. That way if it does snow I just say, “Of course it did. Nothing has gone wrong here.” And I also tell myself, “Well, you know what, Sonia? This is what you signed up for when you decided to move from California to Minnesota so many years ago.” This is my version of unconditional love for Minnesota. And funny, that’s what we’re going to be talking about today, yes, unconditional love.

I call unconditional love the lube of life. It just makes everything better. I think of unconditional love as experiencing love without any expectations. It’s like you leave the expectations at the doorstep. It’s like without any imposed conditions, without limitations. I like to think it’s easier for people to work on unconditional love for others. It’s when you don’t have a manual for somebody. It’s like you don’t have a book of expressions about how somebody should be in this world and what they should do in this world.

Basically, unconditional love is not expecting anyone to do, or act, or be a certain way in order for you to feel better about your life, about anything. Sometimes we want somebody to act a certain way so that they make us happy. That’s not what this is about. And that’s definitely not unconditional love. And when I talk about relationships I often use an equation. Yes, my brain is logical and I am a nerd. So, I like equations. And so, I have something called a relationship equation and I put it as you plus them equals a relationship and some type of emotion, usually it’s love.

So, in this equation you get to show up any way you want to. You get to show up authentically as yourself. And they also to get to show up authentically without any expectations of how they will be, or what they will do, or how they will act. This leads to a relationship and usually a relationship with unconditional love. But what about your relationship with yourself? Ooh, yeah, I’m talking about you, yeah, you over there. What does that equation look like?

Maybe something like you external plus self internal equals relationships plus unconditional love or relationship plus some type of emotion. And you’re like, “What the heck, Dr. Sonia, what are you talking about? What exactly is the you external and the self internal?” Okay, I just made it up but it sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? So, we’re going to go with it. So, I think of you external as how you show up in the world. And if we were using the model that they teach us in The Life Coach School then you external would represent circumstances, your actions and your results.

And the self internal, you could think of that as your thoughts and your feelings. So, the internal part of you that other people don’t see would be your thoughts and your feelings. And then the external part would be the circumstance, your actions and your results. So, we show up in this world a certain way. We look a certain way. Maybe we weigh a certain number on the scale. We take certain actions such as exercising or not exercising, eating healthy or not eating healthy. And these actions generate certain results.

So, if we want to base it on the you external that would be the actions, the situation and the results. The results would be you weigh a certain amount, or you’re a certain size, or whatever. But the self internal, that would be the certain thoughts and feelings that you’re having about the you external. So maybe the thought would be, oh, you’re doing a great job with this dieting. Or maybe it’s, you suck at losing weight. Or maybe it’s, you suck altogether. Our self internal does a lot of judging. And that generates certain feelings like proud, frustrated, shame etc.

We’re often able to practice unconditional love for others but we’re not so good at practicing unconditional self-love. So, when we practice unconditional love to others we say, “Of course they did, that’s who they are.” Or something like, “They get to do that. They get to feel that way.” And of course, we also have clear boundaries in our relationships with others. We don’t allow them to physically or verbally abuse us. We expect to be treated a certain way, a certain baseline.

So unconditional love for others involves complete acceptance of what the other person’s actions, and feelings, and thoughts are without a specific expectation. But it also has some basic safety boundaries there, that there’s not going to be any physical or verbal abuse directed towards ourselves. But what about unconditional self-love, who is there to regulate those boundaries? Are we practicing the same when it comes to ourselves?

Every day I coach Diamonds and I don’t see then practicing unconditional self-love. What I am seeing them saying and thinking is, “I’ll accept myself when I’m able to make my partner happy.” “I’ll accept myself when I’m able to have an orgasm in three minutes or less.” “I’ll accept myself when I look and feel sexier, when I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never, ever, ever let them forget they’re a man, or a woman, or non-binary.” Those type of thoughts, that’s what’s in there.

And I was specifically coaching somebody on shame and the situation of having a sexually transmitted infection. And they said that they would never be able to forgive themselves for not using a condom that one time. They trusted somebody and it didn’t work out for them. They ended up with an infection. But beating themselves up for the rest of their lives is not the answer. And they have a choice. They can beat themselves up or they can figure out how to love themselves in this circumstance and maybe even forgive themselves but either way they’re still going to have this infection.

If we look back at that equation, that relationship equation that I was talking about before, the you external plus the self internal equals a relationship plus unconditional love, plus safety boundaries, if we add in those boundaries. So plus, safety boundaries. If we apply that relationship equation, our self relationship equation to this STI situation with my Diamond then the external you would be the STI, when I say STI, that’s a sexually transmitted infection, so STI circumstance.

So, the circumstance of having a sexually transmitted infection and their current actions of beating themselves up, or not forgiving themselves, or deciding not to date ever again. And then the result is living a limited life. That’s kind of the external you. The internal self is that part of my Diamond that is judging themselves, the part that is judging the external you and thinking, I’m so stupid for not using a condom. And that internal self is constantly feeling that shame. And you know what? It’s okay to feel the shame.

And also know that you can love yourself through it, through any situation because not allowing yourself to feel the shame may actually not lead to an authentic relationship with yourself. It may lead to you blocking things. So, we’re not saying don’t feel the shame but we also want to put a boundary in place. So, what about these boundaries? There’s a lot of emotional abuse that’s going on here with this Diamond. There is this constant judging and berating.

Remember, there’s no physical or emotional abuse at a basic level. So, this constant judgment is not good for a healthy relationship with themselves. At a minimum we’re going to look at boundaries. Remember, no physical or emotional abuse, that is the baseline. That means no telling ourselves mean things all the time. My Diamond does not get to beat themselves up again, and again, and again.

My Diamonds does not get to beat themselves up again, and again, and again about not wearing the condom. It’s not helping the situation. But it is sure as hell keeping them from looking at the situation. And it’s keeping them from taking care of themselves and loving themselves unconditionally. So, what if my Diamond said, “Of course this happened. It’s not what I wanted but it happened, now what? And how can I be kind to myself throughout this whole situation?”

They might consider what unconditional love looks like in this situation. Maybe they would explore what forgiveness feels like. Or maybe their actions might be different. Maybe they would stop beating themselves up. Or they might research more about their infection, or they might decide to get in the best health of their life. They might go on dating sites for people that actually have sexually transmitted infections, specifically this sexually transmitted infection. And you never know, they might find the love of their life that they would not have found if they had not gotten this infection.

So, we don’t actually know what this means in their life. Now, looking at this perspective with this mindset they have a better chance of living an amazing life from a place of unconditional self-love than they will from a place of shame and constant reproach. Yeah, they can feel the shame. I’m not saying don’t feel the shame. But they can also feel it in conjunction with the love for themselves as well.

Ultimately, unconditional love is about providing yourself with that safe, soft place to land in any situation. It’s about having your own back. It’s about being your own best friend no matter what the situation is. If you can’t figure it out yourself then ask, what would you say to your best friend if they came to you with this situation? How would you react? What would you say to them? How would you support them in this situation?

So, Diamonds, I challenge you. What does unconditional love look like for you? How can you love yourself without limits? How can you say, “Of course I did that?” And feel whatever feelings you need to feel. And most importantly, can you have safety boundaries for yourself, a boundary where you’re not allowed to beat yourself up? What would it look like if you decided to never be mean to yourself again in any situation?

What would it look like if you decided that you’re always going to be your best friend and always have your back in any situation? It doesn’t matter if you have an affair or not, if you have a sexually transmitted infection or not. If you decide you’re going to leave your marriage after 30 years or not. It doesn’t matter what the situation is. And if somebody has something to say about it, no matter what, you’re always going to have your own back. And then you’re going to go from this baseline of having your own back.

This is how unconditional self-love becomes the lube of life. Everything gets better if you’re not judging and beating yourself up. Yes, you acknowledge the situation and you decide what it is that you want to do, what it is you want to think, what it is you want to feel about the situation and about yourself. But if you can come from a place of unconditional love it just makes life a lot easier.

Imagine what life would be like if you accepted that you’re not perfect and that life is 50/50 when it comes to emotions. Half the time you might be feeling joy or excitement and fun, and the other half of the time you might be feeling sadness, or shame, or anger. And one feeling is not necessarily better than the other. But the question becomes through it all, how can you hold yourself and be there for yourself? What if it were okay for you to show up as you external, show up authentically and have your back no matter what?

What if the self internal you could experience emotions that we label as negative such as shame or anger and still feel unconditional love for yourself? And make sure that your safety boundaries are intact, no berating yourself because you have the thought or the feeling. And what if you could just stop judging yourself?

Okay, Diamonds, what would unconditional self-love look like for you? Take some time to think about it over the next week. Journal about it, talk about it, decide if you’re willing to set some boundaries with yourself. It’s really what I’m working on. And maybe if you’re interested you might work on it too. Imagine what you can do, and be, and think in life if you were there for yourself and you had your own back. This is what it’s really about. So once again, take some time to think about it this week and I’ll be talking to you next week.

Okay, lots of unconditional love to you always. I love you, Diamonds. Dr. Sonia out.

Hey Diamonds, do you want to reignite the passion that’s gone missing from your life? Do you want to want to want it again? You know I’m on a mission to end the emotional pain and isolation that women experience associated with sexual difficulties. And many of you also know that I was once in that place where I was experiencing little to no sexual intimacy in my life. And I kept thinking that there was something that was wrong with me, that I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t attractive enough, I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t smart enough to fix this problem.

And I was worried all the time that my relationship was too far gone because of this lack of intimacy. Well, you know what? I was right about one thing, the relationship didn’t last. But even though the relationship didn’t last I committed to doing the work that I needed to do to own my sexuality. And now I have this amazing sex life and it’s everything that I wanted it to be. And I’m also committed to helping my Diamonds by teaching them the same strategies that I figured out in order to revitalize the intimacy in their life.

So, if you want to stop feeling broken, if you want to stop feeling shame and guilt about sexuality, if you want to feel more comfortable with your sexuality and tap into that pleasure then I’m here for you, Diamonds. First of all, know that there’s nothing that’s gone wrong with you. You’re not broken. And you know what? You can solve your intimacy issues. You can let go of that shame and guilt, and you can tap into that passionate person that’s just waiting to come out. Let’s get on a strategy call together and let’s discuss how we can work together and how I can help you.

And know that a strategy call, it’s 100% a safe place, there is no judgment. We’ll talk about your intimacy situation, which is what’s going on right now. We’re also going to talk about your intimacy goals, what you would like your intimacy to look like in the future. And then we’ll talk about how we could possibly work together to come up with a personalized strategy plan for you so you can get the results that you need. So, Diamonds, I’m here for you, don’t wait another minute. Book that consultation call with me today and I can’t wait to talk to you.

You can get that consultation call by going to soniawrightmd.as.me. And the link is also in the show notes. Okay, have a great day. I can’t wait to talk to you. Take care.