Ep #50: It’s Time to Get a New Lover

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, episode 50.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

What? I can’t believe it, 50. It’s almost a year that I’ve been doing this podcast. I love it, so good. Hello, Diamonds. Yes, it’s Dr. Sonia and I am back from the wild. Yes, I went up to Northern Minnesota and I survived. I was not eaten by a bear or bitten by a snake. I don’t really know if there’s any poisonous snakes in Minnesota. My son would know but I don’t really know. But I’m still alive. And so, I’m going to celebrate that. Last week I mentioned that I was going up north and I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it back or not but you would know this week.

And so, I’m happy to report that I am alive and well. And I am back home. And I actually had a wonderful time. I went up north, first I went to Duluth and spent some time there. And it’s so beautiful because you’re right on the great lakes. And then I went from there and I went further north and actually west a little bit to Vermilion Lake. And I stayed at a little log cabin up there. And it was so beautiful, it was so peaceful and relaxing. We spent time in the cabin. We spent time by the lake, just kind of getting back to nature. It was what my soul needed.

We even actually had a family reunion while we were up there. And it was just a great time, hanging with friends and family. So yes, my soul needed rest. It was kind of a respite from reality. And sometimes that’s exactly what’s necessary. Sometimes our body needs a respite, a break. And when we’re dealing with issues related to sex and sexuality we often need a break as well.

So last week we were talking about this concept of mismatched libido. And we talked about the different reasons for mismatched libido and, well, different reasons for somebody having a lower libido and somebody having a higher libido. And if we actually considered mismatched libido an issue. And we talked about different things like that. We talked about having a difficult conversation and how you start addressing the issue. We mentioned that it’s not likely that it’s a one and done type of thing.

It’s probably an ongoing conversation that you and your partner are going to be having for an extended period of time and that’s okay. It probably will take some time to sort this out. So, the question becomes when you’re in the process of sorting this all out, what exactly do you do? Well, funny you should ask that and even if you didn’t ask that I’m going to answer it now. So, when you’re dealing with this issue of mismatched libido, it’s actually a perfect time to get a new lover.

Yes, I’m advocating to get a new lover. But I’m not telling you to go on Tinder, or Bumble, or any of those things to find your new lover because your new lover is already with you in the house, seriously. It’s a perfect time to get a new lover and that new lover is actually you. You are your own best lover and it’s time for you to introduce yourself as your best lover.

So, when we talk about sex and sexuality we often think in terms of having a partner, somebody to engage in sex with and sexual intimacy with. We don’t necessarily think about sexual intimacy involving ourselves. But I really would like you to expand your mind on this topic and think about this concept of sexual intimacy is first and foremost a relationship that you have with yourself.

So, think about this. When we start being sexual or being intimate it’s usually with another person. But there should be a period of time when we start with ourselves, when we learn about ourselves, we understand about ourselves as a sexual being. And this is something that’s kind of just thought of a rite of passage for boys, they get to a certain age and then the lotion goes missing and there’s Kleenex missing.

You don’t necessarily think about it and it has a positive connotation. They’re learning about their body. They’re learning about how their penis works, things like that. They are getting erections, whatever it is. But that usually does not extend to girls and young women in terms of exploring their body and learning about what pleasures them.

So, we may actually get to adulthood and many of us do where we don’t know anything about our body and we don’t give ourselves permission to explore our body. We are waiting for a partner so that then we can give ourselves permission to start being sexual in nature. Well, I’m just saying, yeah, you’ve got a partner, whether you are partnered or not, you always have a partner because you are self-partnered. First and foremost, sexuality is about your relationship with yourself as a sexual being and your relationship with your body.

So, you don’t need to wait for a new lover to get the best lover of your life because the best lover of your life is with you all the time. And the wonderful thing about that is whether you stay with your partner or not or whether something happens, you get divorced or you’re, God forbid, older and you lose your partner. You don’t necessarily have to lose your sexuality at the same time. So, this is something to think about and to be aware of. So, we are going to create our own best lover.

So, whether you have a high libido or a low libido, you are ultimately responsible for your own pleasure. So, whether you’re the person that has the higher libido in the relationship or the lower libido in the relationship, both individuals or more than two are responsible for their own pleasure and for their own expression of their sexuality. So basically, you are the creator of your sex life and self-pleasuring is part of that life. So, let’s start talking and let’s create this perfect lover.

So, for those of you that have a journal nearby it may be time to take that journal out. And if you don’t have a journal nearby that’s okay, you can just come back a little later and do this exercise. So, as I was saying that you are first and foremost your own best lover. The sexual relationship is first and foremost with you. But how do you become your own best lover? Well, this is an excellent question and I’m glad that you asked it, or maybe I asked it, somebody asked it.

So, let’s create an ad. And of course, I am thinking of back in the day. I grew up in the 70s. So, remember the song, Piña Colada? And if you don’t remember the song, Piña Colada, I will put a link in the show notes so you can listen to it. But it is kind of a fun song. And if you like piña coladas, and I have a horrible voice, so, sorry, and getting caught in the rain. Well, if you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain, if you like making love at midnight. Even as a kid I liked this song so maybe I was destined to be a sex coach. In the dunes of the lake, I’m the love that you looked for, write to me, and escape.

At that time in the 70s you had to write an ad in a newspaper. And then it was assigned a number. And then people responded to that number that was assigned to it. And then they wrote back in the ad. Now we do it electronically, it’s online. You can swipe left or swipe right, swipe left, left, left, right. So, this is what we do now. But before it was really a methodical process. You had to write it out. You had to figure out what exactly you wanted. And this is what we’re going to do today.

So, what do you want in your ultimate lover? Get your journals out. Let’s start thinking about this and let’s write this all out. And then you have an outline, a format of how you are going to be your own best lover. So, you are crafting your own best lover. So, what would you put? What would you put in your ad for your own best lover? What traits would you like? Or how would you like your own best lover to be to you? Do you want them to have certain traits? Do you want them to have certain skills? How would they wine and dine you? How would they court you?

Because this is how you’re going to be courting yourself. How would they court you? Would they take you out to dinner at your favorite restaurant? Would they get you flowers? Would they get you special jewelry? All these things are available to you right now. And they don’t necessarily have to come from your partner.

When we have this concept that our partner needs to meet all of our emotional needs we’re not really addressing this in the proper way. If you meet your own emotional needs then you’re not coming into a relationship looking for something from another person. Then you just open up yourself to the experience of being in the relationship with another person and having the experience of loving unconditionally. You’re not going into a relationship hoping your needs are going to be met, coming in wounded, hoping that they will see what your wounds are and know how to heal you.

No, that’s not their job. That’s your job. If you have issues and you feel that your body’s not beautiful, it’s not your partner’s job to make you or to tell you that your body is beautiful. It’s your job to get to that place where you know your body is beautiful. If you come into a relationship and you think that that means that your partner’s going to tell you how wonderful you are and how much they love you every minute of the day and know what your love language is. All those things are basically what you are about and what you are going to be able to give yourself.

And so, this is why we’re doing this activity. So, what is it that you’ve always wanted your partner to do for you but you’ve never been able to explain it to your partner or get it across to your partner? Just think of what those things are and write it down because those are the things that you can do for yourself. I’ve always wanted the perfect diamond ring. And then I realized, I could just get that for myself, which has so much more meaning. The love that I have for myself and I can pick out the absolute perfect diamond ring for me. You get to do that for you as well.

So, let’s see. What would you do with your lover? How would you get in the mood to be with your lover sexually? Would you text throughout the day? Would you flirt throughout the day? Would you read erotica to get ready? Would you have play scenarios and fantasies in your mind? Well, you can do all of that. You can have those fantasies. You can think about all those things. You could also read those novels that I mentioned before, as long as it’s play and it’s not reality, and you’re not focused on somebody else has to be this way for you.

Once you’ve realized that you get to be this way for you it opens up a whole world. So how would your best lover caress and touch you? Would they do it gently? Would they do it a little rough? Would they caress your arm? What would they do? What is it that you like? You get to do this for yourself? What would your lover say to you while you’re engaged in sexual intimacy? What would they say to you before? Would they write poems to you? Would they write love letters to you? Write yourself a love letter.

Whatever you want in your best lover this is what we’re about creating right now. Make a sensual date with yourself. A sensual date is so wonderful because it’s focused on the touch and the sensations. And you get to feel them. It’s just a wonderful experience that you get to have with your body. And you get to learn so much more about your body. Sometimes we get focused on sex and sexual intimacy with our partner or partners. And we’re just – it’s like wham bam, it’s just done. It’s over in 15 minutes and you’re like, oh, maybe 10 minutes or five for some people.

But you get to have a sensual date with yourself. Maybe you run a beautiful bath with bubbles and oil. Maybe you massage it into your skin. Maybe you have a midafternoon break where you just relax and then you take a little bit of a nap. So, you’re having that sensual pleasure date. Give yourself the massage, the kisses, the love that you need. Talk to yourself and tell yourself what are the words that you want your perfect lover to tell you. You get to hear those words from yourself. You can decide you want to stimulate your body.

And you might decide that you want to stimulate your clitoris, your vulva region, you want to learn to touch. You want to explore more. You want to get a better sense of are there other parts of your body where there’s sensations that you may be so focused on just the vagina and the clitoris that you actually haven’t noticed the back of your arms or the back of your knees are very sensual.

So, you get to also explore that and explore your body and learn so much about your body, which is for you. But also, when you choose to share your body with somebody else then you have so much more to tell them about this. If you want to talk more about self-pleasure and stimulation, I do that in my group. Last night actually in the You’re Empowered Sexuality group that I have on Wednesday evenings, we were actually talking about how to be your own best lover, how to stimulate yourself and what exactly to do.

And so, if you want to talk more about that there’s an app called omgyes.com. So, there is a site called omgyes.com. And I love this site because it talks about self-pleasure and masturbation for women. And it really talks about technique. And it really explores how to move your hand and stimulate your vulva and your clitoris. And really the nitty gritty of it all. So that’s a great place to start if you want to get some additional ideas as to how to self-pleasure. But this is part of becoming your own best lover. And you learn more about your body as well.

And last night in my group we were talking about vibrators and dildos and how to stimulate yourself and what exactly to do. And I had a dildo with a suction cup and it got stuck on something and I couldn’t get it off. But you get to be graphic. You get to go to the toy store. And you get to decide what you want in your own perfect lover. And I love toys, of course I love toys. You know I love toys. But you get to go and you get to find a fun new vibrator. So maybe exploring your new lover is going to the toy store and getting that fun toy that you’ve been looking for.

I always mention smittenkitten.com or smittenkittenonline.com. I don’t get any money from mentioning them. I used to work there and I believe in the company and their products and it’s a welcoming environment. And it’s a great place. And I also know that all the toys there are body safe and I trust them. So, if you want to go check, there’s lots of places to check out for toys but smittenkittenonline.com is also a great place to check out. And so, you might want to look and see all the different toys that are out there. And some of the toys are not cheap but it’s an investment.

It’s an investment in you and it’s an investment in your lover. And the fun things is you get to get exactly what you want. So, I suggest looking at that as well. So, there’s so many different ways that you get to be your own best lover. And this is a relationship that is also not a one and done. This is a relationship that’s going to evolve over your life. We don’t know what the future holds with our partners and how long they’re going to be with us.

But if you have your self-partner and you are your own best partner you don’t ever have to worry that when you lose a partner you’re going to be giving up your sex and sexuality. That is an intimate part of your life and can always be there because you have and you are your own best lover. Alright, Diamonds, so while you’re working on this mismatched libido or any other issue around sex and sexuality you can always fortify, enhance, make better and become your own best lover.

So, use your journal, figure it out what it is that you want. If you want to write it out in terms of who and what the best partner in the world would be and what they would do, and how they would act. And then you have a wonderful list. It’s a place to start. And it’s actually, you just recognize that all those things that you put on your list are actually what you are going to do for yourself because you love yourself and because you deserve it.

Okay, Diamonds, that’s all for this week. Go ahead and become your own best lover and I will talk to you next week. Dr. Sonia is out. Take care.

Diamonds, how is your sex life? No, really, how is your sex life? On a scale of one to ten how would you rate it? You know I’m all about the intimacy for women in midlife. If you rated the passion in your life as less than an eight then we need to talk, sister. I’m personally inviting you to check out my new program, Your Empowered Sexuality 30 day kick starter. I am so excited about this program. Most of you know that I have an impossible goal to positively impact the sex lives of over a million women. And I am just getting started.

Come work with me for 30 days to kick start that intimacy in your life. Let’s create that amazing, satisfying, intimacy that you deserve. Let’s face it, if you’re in your 40s, 50s or 60s, you could have 30 to 50 more years of intimacy ahead of you. What do you want that intimacy to look like? Let’s get real and talk about what’s going on with your body, your libido, let’s see what we can do to kickstart this intimacy. This program is for you whether or not you have a partner.

If you are a woman who wants to enjoy all aspects of her life then this is the program for you. It finally gets to be your time. So, click on the link in the show notes or on my website at soniawrightmd.com and come join me for Your Empowered Sexuality aka YES, Your Empowered Sexuality 30 day kick starter. I cannot wait to see you Diamond, talk to you soon. Take care.