You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, episode 58.
Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.
Hello, hello, hello Diamonds. How are you all doing? It’s Dr. Sonia and I am here for another discussion about my favorite topic, sex. And I hope you all are having a great week. And this week I wanted to continue the discussion about allowing and mindfulness that I had started previously. And I want to talk about it specifically in relation to orgasms. And because we all love fairytales, I think I will begin with a fairytale right now.
So, let’s imagine that Goldilocks grew up and she decided to explore and express her sexuality as an adult woman. But just like the first time we met her oh so many years ago she had a lot of opinions about the perfect porridge, the perfect cushiest bed, and the sturdiest chair. She continues to have judgmental opinions and espouses that there is only one way to have an orgasm, the oh, just so orgasm, or the oh just so, oh, for short. She’s done her research.
She knows what can be classified as an orgasm and what cannot. She knows what her body is supposed to do, and act and perform like during sex. She knows it all and she’s ready to judge. But the problem is that her body doesn’t know that there’s only way to have an orgasm. So sometimes her orgasm is like that textbook orgasm, the oh, just so, oh that she likes to think about where her eyes roll back in her head, her muscles get tight. She has rhythmic contraction of her vulva region. Her toes curl. And she has that ‘mind blowing orgasm’.
She’s happy. Her partner’s happy. Everyone believes that they have done the right thing. But then there’s sometimes when she has a more subtle orgasm. Maybe it’s a pleasurable sensation that kind of flows throughout her body, a warmth that goes throughout her body. Maybe it’s just a little teeny contraction, more like a little bit of a twitch, not this big strong contraction in her pelvic muscles and vulva region.
And then there’s sometimes when her body doesn’t necessarily want an orgasm. Her body just wants to be in the moment to experience sensations and to have the connection, to enjoy the pleasure without specifically having an orgasm. But her mind tells her that the last two type of orgasms either are not real orgasms or they’re just not an acceptable way to perform during sex. And that the only orgasm that counts is the oh, just so orgasm. Maybe she starts to think that her body is betraying her.
Maybe she starts to get frustrated that her body takes too long to have an orgasm or that her orgasm isn’t the way that other people have an orgasm. Maybe she becomes anxious that she can’t have an orgasm and she’s not performing right. You know what? Everything she actually needs to enjoy herself is right there within her reach. No pun intended. The only thing stopping her from loving and appreciating her body and her unique way of having an orgasm are her thoughts, here thoughts about how an orgasm should be.
She has thoughts that her orgasm cannot be too long, it can’t be too short, it can’t be too intense, it can’t be too subtle. She basically has determined that her orgasm just like her porridge, and her bed, and her chair has to conform. And in this conformity, the joy of allowing and embracing her unique orgasm is lost. So, let’s try and get it back. Let’s talk about allowing the orgasm.
First, what is an orgasm? There’s lots of different definitions of an orgasm. It can be described as a series of rhythmic contractions involving the vulva, the vagina and the pelvic floor muscles. It can also be described as sexual excitement and pleasure involving the genitalia which ultimately leads to a climax. An additional definition notes that there is a release of sexual energy and tension. And all of these definitions leave lots of room for your own unique interpretation. There’s lots of allowing there. You get to allow your own orgasmic experience.
So how do we end up getting to this place where there’s only one way to have an orgasm? How do we get to that place where the orgasm is the singular focus of sexual intimacy? And really if we look at it, these beliefs are what are causing a lot of emotional pain in women’s lives. Wait, wait, wait for it. I feel some myths coming on here. So, let’s talk about the myths surrounding orgasms. Oh, there are so many.
How about the myth that an orgasm has to be like a tidal wave flowing over our body? An orgasm can only be a sensation that’s in your body and it must be like a tsunami. It can’t be like a sneeze. So, if we sit there and we dictate how our body has to have an orgasm, what it needs to feel like, then we’re setting up criteria for an orgasm. And then as soon as you start setting up criteria you start down that path of frustration. What if we were just to allow our orgasms in our body to be exactly what they’re like?
I’ve talked to many women, and they are really upset, they’re so sad that their orgasms are not the way the textbook orgasm say that they should be. They’re so sad that they call their orgasm underwhelming. Or they say that there’s something wrong with them. But really there is no one way to have an orgasm. And if we could just allow our orgasm to be our orgasm we could just be so much happier and we could enjoy the experience instead of labeling it.
Another myth that’s out there is that vaginal orgasms are better than any other type of orgasms. Now, Dr. Sigmund Freud, he proposed this concept of a clitoral orgasm is more of an immature orgasm. And that a vaginal orgasm is the mature form of an orgasm. This is just bullshit. Let’s call it what it is, and it’s an outrage. But it also makes sense because if women can have incredible orgasms with just masturbation and just clitoral orgasms alone what exactly do we need penetrative sex for? Now, I’m not saying we don’t need penetrative sex.
But I can see how some people might get concerned that we would be all up in our clitoris and not really concerned about our vagina. And so, if we label one mature and one immature, if we label one type of orgasm better than another orgasm, then we are going into the striving sequence. And it would make a lot of sense in our patriarchal society that the focus would be upon a vagina instead of a clitoris. There’s absolutely not one type of orgasm that’s better, the vaginal orgasms, the clitoral orgasms, or a combination. It’s just about a woman’s pleasure.
So, could we allow that not one type of orgasm is better than another? Can we allow that the clitoris is the center of pleasure for a lot of women and that is fine, can we allow that? And on along those lines I want to talk about another thing that I’m seeing happening and another myth which is that we have to have a repertoire of orgasms. Now it’s not even enough to have vaginal orgasms and clitoral orgasms. Now we need to be able to classify our orgasms at any moment, not just clitoral, or vaginal, or anal, but then there’s the blended orgasm.
There’s orgasms within the vagina which are A spot orgasms, and G spot orgasms, and C spot orgasms, and O spot orgasm. Fuck, I’m getting stressed out right now. I’m already sensing the tension. What kind of orgasm am I having? Am I having the right kind of orgasm? What is an A spot orgasm? What is a G spot? What is a C spot orgasm? Could we just put down the clipboard, stop checking off the different types of orgasms that we’re having and just allow our orgasm to be whatever type of orgasm it’s going to be? Nothing’s gone wrong. There’s no problems here. It’s all good.
Another myth, simultaneous orgasms are the only type of orgasms worth having. So, who the fuck came up with this idea? Talk about performance anxiety. So now you just can’t even have an orgasm. You’re already worried because you don’t know which type of orgasm you’re having. And you’re focused on having an orgasm but now you have to try and coordinate that orgasm with your partner so that you cum at the same time because somehow that’s better, coordinating it with your partner. Yeah, this just sounds like another reason to fake an orgasm.
It’s so much easier if you just watch your partner and when they’re cumming you just cum too and you’re like, phew, thank God that’s over with. Because who wants all this performance anxiety? So, could we just allow that our orgasms don’t have to be simultaneous? We can have an orgasm before, after, during sex, penetrative or non-penetrative sex. We can have our orgasm whenever we want to, and nothing has gone wrong here.
Here’s another fun myth, that once the orgasms have occurred, sexual intimacy is over which is kind of like you roll over and play dead or something. This is just another thing that we put on our checklist. Check, had an orgasm, check, they had an orgasm, check, we are done now. But you know what? It could actually be just the beginning. What if it were just the beginning of all the fun of sexual intimacy?
If you’re a person that believes in performance anxiety and has to have an orgasm, and has to have it a certain way, once you had the orgasm the stress is over. You could actually start to enjoy yourself. The fun could just begin. So, we do tend to focus on the male model of the sexual response cycle which generally ends with an orgasm and the loss of an erection. But for so many women this could be the middle, or maybe just the beginning of a sexual intimacy act for them. So, recognize that just because an orgasm has occurred does not mean that it’s the end.
And if you do happen to have a male partner and just in case their erection goes away, that’s also not the end. You get to decide. What if it were just the beginning? There’s lots more touching. There’s lots more cuddling. You can bring out the toys. Yeah, if your partner has an erection and then they no longer have the erection there’s something called the dildo. You get to have more fun. You get to go for round two and three. Generally, men have one orgasm and they’re done. But women do not. Women can have multiple orgasms.
So, if you have traditionally been a one and done woman because you’re basing it on your partner, base it on yourself. See exactly what can happen. You could actually become multi orgasmic if that’s something that you want to do, just by continuing to stimulate yourself and see what happens to your body when you do that. So, cuddle, snuggle, bring out the vibrator if you want. See what your body’s capable, take it for a ride.
Here’s another one. It wasn’t good sex unless there was an orgasm. I know. I know, you’ve heard me talk about this one before. And it basically boils down to all the fun, and all the pleasure, and all the connection of sexual intimacy. Is that how you want to define it, as only something that is 13 to 90 seconds? Do you want to define the entire act of sexual intimacy based upon whether something occurs within that short period of time? And I know I don’t.
I want to be in for the entire experience. I want to be in for the laughter, and the cuddling, and the touching, and the fucking, and all of it. I don’t want to be in, just be like, yeah, none of that mattered because I didn’t have an orgasm. You get to decide what your experience is and if you want to value that experience. So, you can just allow the experience of sexual intimacy to be wonderful and just enjoy it for what it is without critiquing it and rating it based on if there is an orgasm or not.
Okay, here is a new one that has come along, no pun intended, that has come along in the last 10 years is a woman is not a woman or she’s not that great of a partner unless she can squirt. Please, can we just say no to this one? Can we just stop this one right now? This is generated by pornography. Basically, before people were really into, the pornography. And I’m not saying that pornography is bad. I think that it’s fine and there’s definitely lots of ethical pornography out there as well.
But this new emphasis upon can you squirt, it just needs to go, it definitely just needs to go. If you can squirt, fabulous. If you can’t squire, fabulous. It does not need to be some sort of trophy or criteria. Because this squirting then becomes something that your partner uses to judge whether or not they’re a good partner. And that’s not what this is about. And that leads into my next myth. That was a good transition.
The myth that you can’t call yourself a good lover or your partner is not a good lover unless there’s an orgasm. So let me repeat, and I know you have heard me say this, but you are responsible for your own pleasure and your own orgasm. It’s about you and your partner coming together and having fun. It is not about what your partner does to you so that they can define themselves as a good lover or not a good lover. We just need to take away this requirement for an orgasm for your partner to define themselves as a good lover.
And we get to define ourselves and each one individually, what would you like to define yourself as a lover? What would you like your criteria to be? I know for me my criteria is did I enjoy myself? Did I get into my own body? Was there connection? Was there pleasure? Was there fun? Was it a unique beautiful experience? Those are what I like to use to determine if it was a good pleasurable experience and if I’m a good lover. But I don’t even need any of that. You just decide that you’re a good lover, it really doesn’t matter.
You just decide you’re a good lover and you are because it’s amazing. Your thoughts dictate your reality. I just had to put that life coach stuff in there. But it still is true. If I decide I’m a good lover, I’m a good lover. If I decide I’m not a good lover, I’m not a good lover. And that’s really what it comes down to. It doesn’t come down to whether or not your partner came or whether or not you came, or any of those things. It comes down to how you would like to define yourself.
So in the allowing you can just allow yourself to define yourself as a good partner. You don’t have to have specific criteria and check off all these things.
Okay, so those were some myths around orgasms. And I invite you to let a lot of these thoughts around orgasms go. And I want to be very clear. Our orgasm and how we define our orgasm has been stolen from us. We have been brainwashed into believing that there is only one way, the oh, just so, oh way. But just think about this. If there’s only one way to have an orgasm them there’s something to strive for, something to try to obtain. And then there is this longing for this thing. And then there’s more value put on this thing.
And the concept of an orgasm, it holds a promise, the concept of an oh, just so orgasm holds a promise, a promise of pleasure and a promise of finally being happy. And once an orgasm is defined in such a way, and established, then it can become a really great marketing tool. And as a marketing tool it can be used to sell everything from makeup, to diet programs, to new cars. So society and media must make you think that there’s only one kind of orgasm in order to sell you their orgasmic products. Don’t be fooled women, take back your orgasm and define it for yourself.
Your orgasm can look like whatever way you want it to look. There’s no such thing as an underwhelming orgasm or an overwhelming orgasm. There’s just your body and pleasure. It can be intense or subtle. It can be a solo endeavor or it can be a partnered experienced. It can involve penetration or not. It could be a clitoral orgasm, a vaginal orgasm, any type of combination of an orgasm, or you can choose simply that you don’t want an orgasm today. And you get to define your orgasm and choose your orgasm and your orgasmic experience any way you want to.
Allow your orgasmic experience to be uniquely your own. Do not allow the media, or society, or your partner, or anyone else to influence your thoughts about your orgasm or to dictate your orgasmic experience. Take some time to allow your experience and just note what you like about it and what you would like to further explore. So, Diamonds, I ask you, how would you like to allow your orgasm? Are you ready to give up the oh, just so, oh and make it the oh, my orgasm, the just the way I want it, personalize your orgasm and enjoy your orgasm? And don’t define it by anybody else’s standards.
Okay, Diamonds, that’s all for this week. And as usual, lots of love. Dr. Sonia out.
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