Ep #59: Stepping into Your Sexual Power

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast episode 59.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello Diamonds. How are you doing today? It is so good to hear you. Well, okay. I’m not exactly hearing you, but I kind of pretend that I’m hearing you. Some people might call that hallucinations, but I just call that keeping in touch with my Diamonds.

Well, you know, when I’m thinking about keeping in touch with you, I’m always thinking about what different topics I want to talk to you about. So I thought I would do a series about stepping into your sexual power, which is basically related to doing things that women do not necessarily feel comfortable doing around sex and sexuality.

Before we get started, I wanted to share their most recent testimonial from one of my Diamonds who worked with me in my Own Your Sexuality Now program, which we also call OYSN for short. It’s my deep dive 90 day coaching program to help you get comfortable with your own sexuality. So here it is. From my Diamond to you.

Okay so my Diamond says, “For me OYSN couldn’t have come at a better time. I was enrolled in a session a couple of months before my 50^th birthday and had been wanting to do something special towards personal development. Growing up I was taught how to keep myself as a young lady but not quite how to give myself away, if that even makes sense.

“Over the past few years prior to meeting Dr. Sonia, while I was happily married and have had relatively enjoyable sex life, I had been feeling as if something was missing and needed to be fixed. Ultimately, I needed to give myself permission to explore and express my needs and desires to my partner more effectively rather than simply focusing on his fulfillment both in and out of the bedroom.

“Additionally I’m coming to make peace with my various quirks and rather embrace them as part of my uniqueness and individuality. I have since coined a phrase of Dr. Sonia’s that resonates well with me. ‘What if nothing has gone wrong?’ In essence it means one’s sexual journey is just that. Albeit intricate, something to be explored thoroughly as an integral part of our being at all the various stages in life.”

Well Diamonds, what more needs to be said? I just feel like I could finish this podcast right now, right. I love how my Diamond used the phrase “I needed to give myself permission to explore and express my needs and desires to my partner” instead of focusing on the partner so much. That’s what we’re going to be talking about today, which is basically asking for what you want in the bedroom.

Now there’s a couple of ways that we could approach this topic, but I was thinking the best way is to basically jump into the topic and ask yourself what is it that you want in the bedroom. While you’re thinking about that, I’m going to talk a little bit about our society’s views about sex. You know how I love to talk about this, right.

Our society has a very narrowly defined definition of sex. Usually it’s along heteronormative concepts of penis and vagina penetrative sex. One partner is more the active one, usually the male, and one partner is more passive, usually the female. You kind of get into your defined roles and go. There doesn’t seem to be much discussion around sex.

In our society, it’s not really approved or expected to ask for what you want, especially if you’re a woman. It’s almost like women should want exactly what their partners want. So often people, especially women, look to their partners to tell them what they actually want in the bedroom. If you’re relying on your partner then you’re not really getting what you want. You’re really just taking what’s available, usually from a limited selection or a limited menu.

It’s like going to a restaurant and ordering off the early bird special. It’s a fixed menu. It’s easy. There’s no real decisions that are needed, but do you really get what you want? Did you really want that chicken fried steak, or would you prefer the ribeye? Or even better maybe you would prefer to be in a completely different line over at the buffet with so many different choices available to you?

Well, let me tell you. There is a sex buffet available to you, but it requires that you get out of the fixed dinner line and ask for what you want. Yeah, I know. Simple but not easy, right? That’s why I’m here today and that’s why we’re doing this call. Just to start the conversation, right?

So you know that I’ve talked about the zone of sexual safety in the past. So I want to talk about that now. Whenever we’re doing something that feels a little bit different, maybe a little uncomfortable for us, go back to your zone of sexual safety. This is where you put that bubble around you. Whenever you’re going to do something new, maybe something a little different, just put that safety bubble around you and make sure you’re feeling comfortable, right.

You know I like to talk about the zone of sexual safety. Having a component of consent. Always when we’re talking about sex, there has to be consent here. It’s even consent with yourself. Do you want to do this work? Do you feel that it’s going to be beneficial to you? Yeah, it might be a little uncomfortable, but do you think in the long run it’s something that you might want to do? So this is a consent. Talk to yourself about it.

I usually add in acknowledgement. That acknowledgement is that sexuality and sexual pleasure are basic human rights. If you think about that, if it’s a basic human right then I think it’s a little bit more palatable for people to think about, “Oh, it’s okay for me to have sexual pleasure.” So I usually put that or suggest that that goes in your zone of sexual safety. Remember that your zone of sexual safety is one that you make. So I’m giving you suggestions, but ultimately, you’re the one that makes your zone of sexual safety.

Since I’m making suggestions, then I would tend to put in there—definitely want to put in there—freedom from emotional and physical harm or abuse from partners or anybody else. This also goes for yourself. So no emotional bullies here. We’re not going to beat ourselves up. It’s a zone of non-judgement. This extends around you and then ultimately around your partner when you’re doing this work. If you can also add in some self-compassion and some self-love. If you can sprinkle that in there, Dr. Sonia would really appreciate it.

So just a second to talk about the zone of sexual safety again. Consent for the sexploration. Acknowledgement that your sexuality is a basic human right. No judgment. You’re not allowed to beat yourself up. Have some self-compassion and some love. If you start from that place with your zone of sexual safety then maybe you decide to approach what you would like to ask for from a place of curiosity instead of judging yourself for anything, right?

So, okay, now that we’ve established a zone of sexual safety, let’s go from there. What is it that you would like to try in bed? Would you like more touch? More clitoral stimulation? Some oral sex? Maybe anal play or anal sex? Maybe you’d like to try some spanking? Maybe you’d like to try some power play with BDSM type of things in there, right? You get to decide what it is that you’re interested in trying. Whatever it is that you’d like to ask for, just make sure you do it without that judgement or beating yourself up for it, right?

Then notice. Notice the thoughts and the feelings that come up immediately when you think about something. So maybe you want to do something a little bit different, a little edgy, but you’re going to start judging yourself. You’re going to have some thoughts that, “Oh, this is not what other people do. How would I ask for this? How is my partner going to take it?”

Just notice the thoughts and the feelings. What kind of feelings are coming up? Is it like a neutral feeling like curiosity? Is it excitement? Or is there kind of a little bit of shame in there, right. We’re just going to write it down. Write down all your thoughts, and write down what feelings are coming up for you, right?

So maybe you’re feeling some shame or some embarrassment. Maybe it’s freedom. Maybe your thought is like, “I don’t deserve pleasure. Oh my goodness. It’s too embarrassing to ask.” Maybe you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings. Maybe you don’t want to think that they are going to call you something like a slut or a whore, something like that.

Recognize that when you start thinking about somebody else thinking something about you, they’re not actually thinking anything about you. You have no idea what they’re thinking. You can’t specifically tap into their thoughts. What’s happening is you are having a thought about yourself, and you’re projecting that thought on somebody else and then projecting it back on you.

Yeah, I know. It’s like what? What are you talking about Dr. Sonia? Just hold one second here. If you’re like, “Oh, I’d really like a spanking or oh I’d really like to be tied up.” Then your next thought is, “Oh my goodness. My partner is going to think I’m freaky or a whore or something like that.” Just realize you have no idea what your partner’s thinking.

Your partner might be thinking, “Hot damn. Let’s get at this.” Right? You don’t know when you’re saying, “Oh they might think that I’m freaky or something like that.” Those are your thoughts about yourself. That’s what I’m trying to say. So just recognize that your thoughts are your own thoughts that you’re projecting on your partner and then projecting back on you. You definitely don’t know what your partner’s thinking.

Then also when we’re talking about your partner, we don’t exactly know. We’re going to ask for something. We’re going to get ourselves in a position where we’re willing to ask for it, but we can’t control another person. So we don’t know what their thoughts are going to be. We don’t control their actions. We don’t control their reactions. We don’t control what they say or do. Sometimes that makes it feel really vulnerable to put it out there as to what exactly you’re interested in doing in the bedroom.

Also recognize that your partner can have whatever reaction that they want to have with this and that’s okay. Also recognize that this is probably more than one conversation that’s going to happen here. It’s probably something that’s going to be something you talk about again and maybe again and maybe revisit.

Also recognize that this is something that you’re going to talk about outside of the bedroom. These conversations are best suited for outside the bedroom. Not necessarily in the middle of the act. If you need to ask for something, you might want to be like, “Hey babe. Yeah. There’s something that I’ve been interested in trying. I just kind of want to get your thoughts about it. Obviously if it’s not something that you’re interested in, that’s okay. I’ve been listening to Dr. Sonia.”

You know what I say. Always blame Dr. Sonia. She’s such a troublemaker. I have to say that most partners love Dr. Sonia. So I may be a troublemaker to some, but I’m also fondly thought of by others.

Anyways you can say to your partner, “Hey I was just listening to this podcast by Dr. Sonia about asking. It started me thinking about maybe something I would like to ask for. I just want to discuss it with you.” Right? So you just start the conversation outside the bedroom.

Don’t necessarily spring it on them in the middle of the sex act. Don’t exactly say, “Hey, I want you to do this, this, this and this right now and do it perfectly and exactly how I want it.” That’s hard to put an environment where there’s a zone of sexual safety there where somebody has the option to say yes or no and consent and decide if this is something that they’d like.

So it might take you a while to get up the nerve to ask for something. Also recognize that it may take your partner a while to process and decide how they want to respond and if this is something they’re interested in. It might be a “hell yes, let’s get to it” or it might be a “maybe, let’s talk more about it”. Or it might be “hell no”. That’s okay. Whatever their reaction is and whatever their thoughts about things, it is okay. It’s not specifically a problem.

You know what is a problem? In my humble opinion what is a problem is not asking at all. We think that it’s safer not to ask. We sit and we look at the situation and we think, “Oh if I don’t ask, everything is going to stay the way it has been. That’s good, right? I won’t have to worry about anything. I won’t get judged.” Well, you’re already being judged. Probably by yourself. You might be thinking, “Oh everything’s going to stay the same and I don’t have to ask for anything. It might be safer that way. I won’t have to fear rejection.” Right?

You don’t recognize that when you’re not using your voice and asking for what you want, and you’re not getting that basic human right, that pleasure that you deserve. Then your interest in sex kind of wanes. It’s not what it was previously. If you’re not getting the pleasure you want, you may be like, “Well, you know, maybe I’ll just watch Netflix tonight. Maybe I’ll get to bed early.” You start avoiding intimacy. Your partner doesn’t specifically know what’s going on because they’re not recognizing that you’re not getting the pleasure that you want.

So there is always a price. There’s always a choice. When you think you’re not paying a price or you’re not making a choice by just deciding to stay silent, you are actually making a choice. There are consequences by staying silent if you look at how it affects the overall intimacy in your relationship. So just be aware of that. That there are consequences to not asking as well.

Then just be okay with that choice. You don’t have to ask. You might want to at least do the preliminary work of processing and thinking about this and then deciding if you might want to ask at some point in time. You don’t have to get to that place all at once where you’re like, “Okay, this is it. I’m going to ask for it. I want my toes sucked.” Right? You don’t have to get to that place all at once. It’s okay to process and think and then decide what you want over a period of time, right?

The nice thing is sometimes when you do the asking and you open up the conversation, then it gives your partner the possibility of processing and thinking and maybe opening up the conversation on their side. You might learn something about your partner as well that you did not know. It might be a benefit for everybody.

You might be thinking, “I’d like to ask for this instead of what he normally does or she normally does or they normally do.” They might be thinking, “Oh, I don’t really like doing that anyways. Let’s try something new.” You wouldn’t know unless you started to explore and have this conversation.

So there’s definitely a lot of benefits from asking and bringing things up, but yeah, I understand that there might be some risk as well. This is what it is in terms of empowering yourself and stepping into your sexual power. We’re talking, as Diamonds, we’re talking to you about stepping into your sexual power and asking for what you want. Instead of sitting in the passenger seat, you get to drive this vehicle. You get to go where you want to go with this, and you get to ask for what you want.

Alrighty. So Diamonds, I think that is most of what we’re going to talk about today. Some quick notes that are just summary. Ask for what you want. You’d be surprised, especially if you want to have sustained sexual intimacy over your lifetime. It’s going to require that you be able to have a conversation with your partner and ask for what you want because your needs are going to change. That’s okay. It’s okay to ask for something different. There’s no problem with that.

Also remember that you don’t control your partner’s actions, thoughts, feelings, and that’s okay as well. They can react whatever way they want to, and it’s just a conversation. It’s not a conversation that’s a one and done conversation where you just say something once. It might work out that way, but it might actually be a lot longer conversation, and that’s okay too. Maybe more conversations. Several small conversations, and that’s fine.

Also recognize with these conversations that they also may be conversations that actually start outside the bedroom. For the most part if you can say, “Hey, I’d like to have the conversation about sexual intimacy with you at some point in time, but I want to make sure we’re both in a good place. When would you like to schedule that?” You can start with that, right.

Start with that conversation. Recognize it’s out of the bedroom. Make sure you’re both comfortable and relaxed and then have your conversation. Then you can fine tune it in the bedroom. Yes, it starts outside the bedroom. It’s probably more than one conversation. Then you can refine it in the bedroom. That’s kind of fun too.

Alrighty. I think that’s it. So Diamonds, so good talking to you. We’re going to be doing a little bit more about stepping into your sexual power. I’m going to be talking about initiating. Women do not like to initiate. We need to talk about this. Okay Diamonds. I will talk to you soon. Take care. Dr. Sonia out.

Diamonds, how is your sex life? No, really, how is your sex life? On a scale of one to ten how would you rate it? You know I’m all about the intimacy for women in midlife. If you rated the passion in your life as less than an eight then we need to talk, sister. I’m personally inviting you to check out my new program, Your Empowered Sexuality 30 day kick starter. I am so excited about this program. Most of you know that I have an impossible goal to positively impact the sex lives of over a million women. And I am just getting started.

Come work with me for 30 days to kick start that intimacy in your life. Let’s create that amazing, satisfying, intimacy that you deserve. Let’s face it, if you’re in your 40s, 50s or 60s, you could have 30 to 50 more years of intimacy ahead of you. What do you want that intimacy to look like? Let’s get real and talk about what’s going on with your body, your libido, let’s see what we can do to kickstart this intimacy. This program is for you whether or not you have a partner.

If you are a woman who wants to enjoy all aspects of her life then this is the program for you. It finally gets to be your time. So, click on the link in the show notes or on my website at soniawrightmd.com and come join me for Your Empowered Sexuality aka YES, Your Empowered Sexuality 30 day kick starter. I cannot wait to see you Diamond, talk to you soon. Take care.