Ep #206: Small Action Steps-Big Intimacy

Dr. Sonia (00:47)

Hello, hello, hello. You are listening to the Midlife Sex Coach for Women podcast with Dr. Sonia Wright, episode 206. Hello, hello, hello, diamonds. How are you doing? Welcome back to the Midlife Sex Coach for Women podcast, episode 206. Every time I hear that, I get super, super excited. I’m like, what? How did I get to 206? I remember…

My coach at the time, Amanda was like, you need to start a podcast. And I was like, I, yeah, no, I don’t. And here I am five years later and we’re at episode 206. And Last week we talked about taking action to move us from thinking about amazing sexual intimacy to actually.

amazing sexual intimacy. I talked about just starting by taking small actions. It doesn’t have to be big, huge actions. Not gigantic actions. And in fact, I hope that they’re not big. The point of this is to ease your way into taking actions and gaining confidence at the same time.

You know what? I once coached a woman who had gone with her husband to a sexual therapist and was advised to put sex on the calendar for every day straight for an entire month. And after that she was told that everything was going to be fine. It would all work out. And I, that blew my mind. You know, when you want to be like, aaaaaahhhh well, you just, you just hear somebody say something so horrendous, but this is what she was told.

And so her and her partner, they ended up doing this or at least tempting to do this. I don’t know why anyone would think that sexual issues that have been going on for an extended period of time that can be solved if the couple is forced to have sex for 30 days straight. So she basically came to me emotionally traumatized by this experience and feeling more like a failure than she ever had before. And they ended up

stopping this experiment after just a few days because both of them were very unhappy. Yeah, they were both unhappy and they were both feeling like they were even worse off than they were before. So I’m not talking about huge gigantic actions like 30 days straight of having sex. I like sex and I don’t even want sex 30 days straight. Anyway, so we talked about taking action in our last call on our last podcast episode.

And I want to be clear that the actions are not forced actions and the actions, don’t have to be big actions. And the actions that we’re talking about, they can be tiny actions interwoven. I like that word interwoven with thought, with observation, with communication, with feedback, and eventually improved intimacy today.

We’re going to be talking about something that feels subtle, but actually it’s really actually the most powerful intimacy tool that you’ll ever have. Small actions done consistently.

can change your intimacy and your pleasure one moment, one action at a time. This is the beauty of it all. And this is what I really love about it. Let me talk to you because here’s the truth. Intimacy doesn’t improve in one big magical moment. It’s not like that. It’s not like they show it in the books. It’s like, ⁓ no, it’s not exactly like that. It improves in small lived actions.

showing your body and your brain, your mind, who you are becoming.

So we often think that improving intimacy requires what? What? What does it require? A full transformation as it were. That’s what we think that improving intimacy requires. Maybe a weekend away, right? Maybe we think that it requires the perfect mood. Maybe we think that it requires the perfect partner response.

I look at him, he looks at me and then fireworks or something like that. Or maybe we think it’s a full calendar reset of a 30 day sprint. No, sex and intimacy is not a road race. No, please. Or maybe we think it’s a complete mindset overhaul. No, intimacy improves one action step at a time. And I’m not going to lie.

Intimacy is not all action, but it’s not all thought either. And you can’t build confidence by just thinking about it. You can’t sit there and do mental gymnastics and expect something to change in your life. You build confidence by doing something you weren’t doing before. And that action helps you to develop the confidence. You don’t build sensual and sexual identity by

reading about pleasure. Well, I mean, it can help, but you got to be there, right? You build sensual identity by experiencing pleasure and then developing a sexual identity. It’s like riding a bike. You can’t be a bike rider if you never get on the bike. And in the same vein, you can’t be a partner rider if you never get on the partner. But in all seriousness, you don’t.

Build erotic energy by journaling about desire. We can’t sit and do that mental masturbation that I talked about. You build erotic energy by letting yourself feel desire and follow it. Even in small steps, you got to follow up, right? Small actions are the steps. The small actions are the way.

And you might be asking yourself, why are small actions the way? Why does it work? So your brain learns through repetition. This is almost anything that you acquire that’s new and different in your life. It requires repetition. Your body learns through sensations. Your identity is closely tied to what you do. So nothing changes if everything stays the same. If your actions stay the same, nothing changes. Even small action can send a message to your brain.

So take a small action and it means I’m a woman who cares about pleasure. Maybe take another small action and you become, I’m a woman who wants connection. And then you take another small action and you say, I’m a woman who prioritizes intimacy. So the more you take action, the more you repeat the message, the more your brain believes it and the more your body responds, it’s these small actions.

repeated again and again that create this new wiring in your brain and in your body and ultimately creates a new life for you. So this is how you create new sexual identity. So let’s spend some time looking at some examples. In my podcast last week, I was talking about taking actions and diamonds reached out and they’re like, what kind of actions can you take? What kind of small actions can you take? So I’m going to talk to you about a list.

And maybe it will have about 10 things on it, but 10 small actions that you can do at any day at any time to improve the intimacy. How about this week, right? So you don’t need to do all 10. Maybe just choose one, just choose one that works for you. So I’m going to give you several options so you can choose which one resonates the most with you. Maybe put lotion on your body in a slow way.

present and feel your skin, not just doing it, slathering on quickly, but let your hands communicate care to your body. Feel the sensations. Be in the moment. Be like, my goodness, my skin is so amazing. Tap into your senses and let your body get used to touch. Maybe light a candle or get a diffuser, scatter rose petals in your bedroom. Create an environment that says, this is my place for pleasure.

Maybe send your partner a sexy text. Even if it feels a little awkward, think about your receiving that text and how that makes you feel. Does that put a little spark in your soul? You two could have a code emoji. Like a little code that means like, hey, I’m a little horny right now. You choose an emoji with your partner and you could just send a little emoji. And that’s like a communication, a way to put a smile on your partner’s face. Maybe you get

present in your body and ask, what do I need tonight? Or today, day, morning, night, no judgment, no pressure, just coming from a place curiosity. If it feels right, then ask for it or give yourself pleasure, right? Touch your vulva, self-pleasure yourself for short periods of time, not for a long one. And don’t put the focus on the goal of orgasm, but more awareness for your body, more about information about how you respond sexually.

and how you can tap into your body. When you take a shower, choose one area of your body to admire. Fall in love with your body just a little bit every day. It’s the only body you’re ever gonna have. Don’t wait. The time is right. You get to love your body. Maybe talk to your partner for a few minutes and tell them something that you love about them. Tell them maybe about something that they did to you that felt so good in the past and you’d like to experience it again.

them to do it again. Get used to using your words and asking for what you want. Please use your words, diamonds. Use your words. It’s okay. Maybe close your eyes and breathe and notice the breathing and how your breath in and out of your body. Notice the sensation. Maybe tighten and relax your vulva and feel the strength of your pelvic floor and the pleasure that it can generate. How about kissing your partner for like

10 seconds without rushing. Kiss different parts of their body. Let them know how much you appreciate. Enjoy them. Right. If you’re solo partnered, kiss yourself. Kiss your arm. Like how beautiful is this little arm, right? Kiss yourself. Get, just be like, I love you. Give yourself a hug. Right. Initiate just 10 minutes of a toy time once a week. How about that? Maybe.

Some other options would be looking at your vulva in the mirror and getting a better understanding of your anatomy. Maybe, this is one of my favorites, maybe snuggle with your partner and take turns being the big spoon. Since I’m four foot 11 on a good day, my partner has a tendency to say, it’s more like she’s wearing a backpack as opposed to when I’m the big spoon. So maybe it’s not quite the same, but you get the idea, right? Get one of those really soft brushes and try brushing, dry brushing on your skin.

This is all about sensations, getting back into your body, getting a sense of who you are, because who you were when you were 20 is not now. Remember, most of all, that none of these things require a perfect mindset. That’s not required. A schedule overhaul, that is not required either. A high libido, no. Actually, my libido is not very high at all, right? Part of it is just accepting wherever our libido is at. It’s okay.

It doesn’t mean that you have to have amazing confidence before you become a sexual being. It doesn’t mean that you need to have hours at a time in your schedule.

Intimacy, touch, connection, that doesn’t have to take hours. It only requires a minute, a decision, a yes, a yes to yourself, a yes to your partner, and, and definitely not perfection. It doesn’t have to be perfect at all. So just remember, small actions impact your identity, which impacts your intimacy. So when you take small actions, even

im perfectly, your brain starts to say, wait, maybe I can do this. Maybe I can or I will be a sensual woman. Maybe I am a woman who deserves pleasure. Every woman deserves pleasure. Maybe I am a woman who gets to feel turned on. You get to feel turned on. And that identity shift, it unlocks everything else. And this isn’t about pressure or performance. It’s about living your sexuality. One tiny expression.

one tiny action at a time. So small actions can lead to change. You can change your self-image, your energy, your desire, your connection. You know, I love, I love thinking about these things. What else can it change? What can it change in your life? You really get to create this life. You really get to create the incredible life sexuality.

of midlife. This one, I’m always talking about this, but it’s so true. You get to change your relationship with your body. I think that we should all fall in love with our body. And because over time, small actions add up and then you become like a new sexual identity and a new lifestyle of intimacy. Small actions, one on top of each other leads to new sexual identity and a new lifestyle of intimacy in your life. So.

Today, I want you to ask yourself with love and so much curiosity, what is one small action step that I can take today that honors my intimacy, that honors the sexual woman I am becoming? Small actions are important and doing it now is even more important. So not tomorrow, not someday, but today. Even if it’s only about 20 seconds, because the action sends a message to your brain, I am choosing myself.

I am choosing my sexuality. am choosing intimacy. I am choosing me. I am choosing my pleasure. And you know, that’s always going to be something that yes, a hundred percent, you get to choose your pleasure. thoughts and feelings matter, but identity is built upon doing and action. You don’t have to wait for the perfect day, the perfect mindset or the perfect moment to begin. Just take a small action.

you get to become the woman you want to be. So by taking one small action today and another small action tomorrow and another one after that, my beautiful diamond, you really deserve a fabulous life of intimacy. You deserve that life of connection and of pleasure and of confidence. So take that small action. Let’s build that new identity. This one that’s going to carry you into midlife and beyond.

Let’s expand your intimacy in your life. Let’s get creative here and a little more every single day. so until next time, my beautiful diamonds, stay bold, stay brave and keep owning your sexuality. love you so much. Thank you. well, before we wrap up today, I just wanted to take a minute to talk to you. Talk to all my diamonds out there who might be feeling a little spark right now. Just a little pull.

Something that says, want more. I do want to take action. And if this episode 206 resonated with you, if talking about small actions lit something up inside of you, then I want to invite you to take this really next powerful action, which is to join me, to join me for Own Your Sexuality Now. It’s a weekend intensive. It’s online. We do it Zoom meeting style, and it’s happening January 31st and February 1st of 2026

It is a transformational two-day online experience where we go deep. We’re going to be in community. We’re going to be in a safe, confidential place. We’re going to be focused in on pleasure and empowerment. And you can step into that new sexual identity. We’re heading into 2026. Come step into your new sexuality,

Create the intimacy that you’ve been wanting. So inside OYSN on your sexuality now, we dismantle old stories that you’ve been carrying around about sex and intimacy. We break free from shame and self-judgment. We identify what you actually want in your sex life. We build the confidence to ask for and receive the pleasure we deserve. We explore anatomy, libido. We look at intimacies.

tools and definitely sexual smorgasbord. And don’t forget the toys. And we learn to embody sexuality. It’s not just a theory. So this resonates with you. If your body is buzzing, if your mind is thinking, maybe this is for me, listen to that. Head over to the link in the show notes page or visit soniawrightmd.com. That’s S-O-N-I-A W-R-I-G-H-T-M-D.com and click on own your sexuality now. It’s under work with Dr. Sonia.

So can’t wait to see you at OYSN in the Zoom room at the end of January. And I did it specifically for the end of January because February brings Valentine’s Day. And Valentine’s Day can be a fabulous time or it could be a time of dread. And we don’t want that to be a time of dread for anyone. Let’s create that sexuality, that intimacy. So until next time, diamonds, keep choosing you, keep choosing your pleasure, keep.

owning your sexuality now with so much love, so much love. Dr. Sonia out.