Ep #27: Sex Intolerance

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast, episode 27.

Female Announcer: Welcome to the Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello Diamonds, how are you doing today? I’m sitting here just laughing at myself thinking that I have got to be one of the most boring sex coaches that I know. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a healthy sex life and I do make sure that I have fun.

But most of my days look something like this, I wake-up around 4:30 to get some business work done, and then my baby girl comes in. I call her my baby but she is nine years old. She comes in around 6:00 or 6:30 and we snuggle together. And then she works on her Kumon while I do my business work. We have breakfast around 7:00 and then we get ready for school and I drop her off about 8:30.

When I worked as a radiologist in the hospital I would have to leave the house by 6:30 in the morning. So that means she would have to be up by 5:00 or 6:00 and get her washed, and dressed, and get the breakfast in, and then drop her off at daycare. And it’s always been my fantasy for years really to stay home with her. And now I get to do that. And I’m living my best life that I have to say I’m pretty excited about this.

I know that this sounds pretty boring to most people. But to me it’s kind of like heaven on Earth. Most of you know that I have a 21 year old son. He is also my baby. And I wasn’t able to stay home with him. I had mom guilt a lot of the time, so much so that when he was about 16 or 17 he was like, “Mom, mom you’re going to have to stop with this guilt.” He’s like, “I had a really great childhood, and you’re a great mom, and don’t worry about it.”

So he had to give me permission so that I was not feeling all the guilt all the time. But this one, with this baby I get to spend time with her. I get to do what I want. I get to live out my fantasies basically, and be that stay-at-home mom and have my business. And it’s pretty wonderful. Remember, you only have one life so you get to live it, make your dreams come true. I’m all about living an intentional joy filled life and making your dreams a reality.

I’m about identifying your values and making sure that you’re living in alignment with them and focusing on what is important for you in your life. So if you find that your life is not all that you want it to be then it’s time to change it. You have the power.

In my practice as a sex coach there’s so many women that come to me because they’re feeling ashamed or guilty about their sexuality. Their sex lives are not what it could be. They’re definitely not living out their dreams. They’re just doing it because they think it’s their duty. And they can’t get over their feelings and their thoughts around sex and sexuality. They think that sex is somehow bad or wrong. And I say that they are suffering from what I call sex intolerance.

So what exactly is sex intolerance? I think of sex intolerance as the inability to incorporate sex and sexuality into one’s identity and to one’s life. It’s an unwillingness to see sexuality as a positive factor that would enhance your life. And we’ve talked about willingness before, about the allowing aspect of things. And when there’s unwillingness there is a resistance to what is, there is a resistance to reality, to what’s going on. And in this case there’s a resistance to one’s own sexuality.

It’s a resistance to the idea that sexuality is an attribute for good in your life and also in the world. You know what? You get to decide what you want to think about sexuality, that choice is always yours. So let’s explore sex intolerance a little bit more.

What actually leads to sex intolerance? There could be many reasons or factors that contribute to sex intolerance. But the most important thing to note is that when a baby is born, they don’t have negative ideas and beliefs about sex and sexuality. These beliefs develop over a period of time based on information that’s provided to us by society, or from our family members, or it develops as a protective mechanism, or a reaction to a situation, or possibly even a trauma.

So sexual intolerance is a learned response, it’s a learned behavior, it’s a learned thought pattern. And remember, anything that is learned can also be unlearned. So, maybe as a young girl you learned that sex was bad or shameful, or only bad girls engaged in sexual activities, and good girls refrained from anything sexual. Possibly it came from religious ideas about sex and sexuality. Maybe a family member saw you touching yourself when you were a toddler and reacted harshly, and you’ve kept that with you.

Maybe there were sexual trauma in your past, or even generational sexual trauma involving your mother, your grandmother or even women that have come before them. Whatever the reason, you’ve learned a response to a belief system about sexuality. So spend some time evaluating your thoughts about sex and sexuality. If they’re negative in general, ask yourself where, when, how these beliefs developed. Are they the result of an event or a result of a belief system being handed to you, or possibly a combination of both?

But spend some time discovering the origin for your beliefs about sex and sexuality. Whatever the reason, our minds are set so that we are no longer in alignment with our innate nature as a sexual being. And this leads to nonalignment and stress. Let’s think about it, the majority of humans are born in alignment with their sexual identity. But due to the development of sex intolerance, they have moved out of alignment. The sex intolerance makes a person reject their normal sexual nature.

At the core of our being is sexual, and I’m saying for the majority of people, there are some, there’s a minority of people that are asexual, but for the majority of the people, the core of our being is sexual. But our minds want to reject that sex and sexuality for some reason. And we label it as bad, or something that’s not good for us when we’re dealing with sexual intolerance.

The problem is that the majority of people are sexual beings. And if we’re functioning from a place of intolerance then we’re rejecting or suppressing a part of ourselves. And we do not get to show up as our authentic self. Over time the effort that it takes for us to block our sexuality, drains our energy. We end up stressed, frustrated, resentful, angry, and even possibly depressed due to all of this repression. We start judging ourselves for our innate need to be sexual and our need to express our sexuality.

We may start to think that sexuality is basic or almost animalistic, and a trait that we don’t need and something that we want to control. Over time we’re going to start manifesting this negative internal energy and self-judgment, and eventually it grows, and it eventually becomes externalized. And when I say externalized I’m saying we start judging others as wrong for their sexuality and for their perceived enjoyment of sex.

We start taking our self-judgment and then we extend it out to others because whatever we cannot tolerate in ourselves we will not be able to tolerate in other people. So maybe if we are in a place of self sex intolerance and our partner is enjoying sex and likes sex then we start to have at some point judgment about our partner, and our partner’s sexual nature. And that can also lead to problems in a relationship. We start to think that other people should act a certain way and be in alignment with our negative beliefs about sexuality.

So, in addition to judging and shaming ourselves for our normal feelings and desires, then we start blaming, judging and shaming others. All this is going to lead to frustration, and anger that’s directed towards ourself, and also directed towards others. And we end up utilizing emotional energy in a way that’s really not necessary, it’s basically a waste of time. You are fighting what is and you’re never going to win, a 100% of the time you’re going to lose when you’re fighting reality.

But most importantly, if we’re rejecting a part of ourselves, namely our sexuality, then we are not showing up as our authentic self. I believe that the main purpose for being on Earth is to express our talents and to show up as our authentic self. It’s to have the human experience, you are a spirit that’s embodying into a human body in order to feel, and experience, and grow, and to live as a human.

Part of the human experience is also experiencing sex and sexuality. But when we choose sex intolerance, we’re closing ourselves off to a vital part of ourselves. There’s so much positive energy that comes from tapping into our sexuality. Sexuality is tied to our life source. Sexuality’s about connection, it’s about love, it’s about pleasure, it’s about exploration, it’s about experimentation, it’s about fun, it’s about wonder, it’s about ah. And it has a power and an energy that you’re never going to be able to tap into if you’re walling off that part of you, if you’re compartmentalizing your sexuality.

So in addition to not showing up as your authentic self, you’re wasting energy in an internal battle with yourself, and you’re also not being all that you can be, you’re not inhabiting your body fully, and you are missing out on pleasure. But more importantly you are also missing out on an amazing relationship with yourself. You are missing out on meeting your best lover, you. Remember, you’re always your first and your best lover, always.

That relationship with yourself, that loving relationship with yourself continues to grow throughout your life. But if you’re blocking off your sexuality then you’re missing out on one of the greatest love affairs of your entire life, that love affair with yourself, both emotionally and also sexually.

So let’s recap. What do you miss out? What do we miss out on when we choose sex intolerance? By choosing sex intolerance, we end up judging ourselves and eventually judging others. We waste emotional energy on thinking things should be otherwise and fighting against reality. We don’t show up as our authentic self. We miss out on the connection with ourselves and with others. We don’t get to fully inhabit our bodies and have that full human experience. We don’t get to fully connect.

We don’t have that wonder, that pleasure, that love, the sheer joy that’s associated with sexuality. And since sexuality is so closely tied to creativity, we’re not necessarily expressing creativity and joy to the full extent of the emotions that we can express. We’re not fully living in the realm of the emotions, and the feelings, and the sensations that we could because we’re not able to tolerate sex and sexuality. We’re also missing out on the opportunity to have a healthy and fun sex life.

And most importantly we are missing out on meeting out best lover, the best lover of our lives, ourselves. Think about that for a moment, you are missing out on meeting and being with your best lover, your most important love and relationship of your life. I’ll give you a minute to digest that.

So what can we do? If we choose that we are no longer going to live in a world of sex intolerance, then what then? What do we do? First of all, we have to evaluate like I said before, evaluate where, and when, and how, why these thoughts developed around sex intolerance. Recognize it was just your family and/or your brain trying to keep you safe.

The belief is, if you conform to societal norms and rules then you will be safe. But the truth of it all is that you create your safety in your mind with your own thoughts. Safety is not guaranteed for women by following the rules. I’m going to repeat that. Safety is not guaranteed to women by following the rules. There’s many examples of women following the rules and not staying safe. I know the majority of us have experienced situations where we followed the rules established by society around women, and sex, and sexuality and still found ourselves in unsafe situations.

So I want to make this clear, your safety is not guaranteed by following the rules. And let’s remember that rules around sex and women and sexuality are always changing. Let’s look at those rules, or let’s look at some of those rules.

So one of the prevailing rules is that you should not or cannot be sexual until you’re 18m, but wait, there are states that have laws that girls as young as 15 can get married. And then it’s okay, right? But generally, the rule is that between the age of 18 to about 35 you get to be sexual, even super sexual if you like as long as your sexuality is unlocked by a man.

But don’t forget, you need to look modest, you need to look and act like a good girl, like a good woman. But you also need to look thin, you need to be attractive, you need to act sexy whenever somebody wants you to act sexy, and you need to be ready for sex whenever a man wants it. So these rules are already confusing. It’s something like you need to be a lady in the streets, and a freak in the sheets. But this is all about somebody else’s concept of what it is and how it should be for a woman that’s sexual.

But then you’re not allowed to be sexual forever. So you get this permission that you can be sexual, but maybe around 45 it’s like it’s all over, definitely by 50 it’s all over. Society is like, yeah, you women over 50, you don’t need to be sexual anymore. So you’re no longer a sexual being. It’s like your sex card is taken away from you. And you end up in the sexual wastelands where you’re, you know, I don’t know, just baking bread or doing something in a corner, you’re knitting or something like that.

And not to say that women and people that bake bread and knits don’t have a sex life. I bet they’re having a lot of sex. But society says that you kind of give back or they take back your sexual permission card and then you do something else. You’re no longer allowed to act sexual. So supposedly if you follow these ever changing rules as to how a woman should be and act sexually, then you get to stay safe. But where exactly is the safety in all those rules? I really don’t see your safety being guaranteed in all those rules.

I see somebody else’s pleasure being guaranteed, but I don’t see your pleasure or your safety being guaranteed. What I do see being guaranteed is that you are being controlled. So I will repeat it. You get to determine your safety. Talk to the part of your brain that is trying to protect you, that’s trying to figure out the rules. And let your brain know that you’re a grown woman and you are now capable of protecting yourself and staying safe.

And you get to decide what you would like to do about this sex intolerance and these sex intolerance beliefs and thoughts that are living in your brain right now. So spend some time with the feelings and the thoughts that come up for you when you think of yourself as a sexual being. Is it shame? Is it fear? Is it concern for a bad reputation? Is it violent repercussions? Go to that place where the worst thing has happened. What would you do then? Would you be able to be there for yourself? What are the odds that this actually would happen?

What are the odds that the worst thing possible is actually going to happen? Next, decide if you would like to change your thoughts and your beliefs. Ask yourself, how would you like to feel about your sexuality? Are you interested in incorporating your sexuality into your life? If so, identify how you would like to feel when you think about sex. Maybe you want to feel curious. Maybe you want to feel proud, maybe excited, maybe content.

For me I like to think of myself being in my late 90s in a rocking chair kind of laughing and giggling to myself about all the sex that I’ve had and all the sex that I’m still having with myself or with others. So contentment, happiness, joy, a little bit of humor, those are the things that I like to feel and think about.

So whatever is that the feeling is then work backwards and figure out what your thoughts are going to be in order to generate that feeling. If you decide that you’re ready to leave sex intolerance behind then it’s time to get clear about your why. What are your reasons for leaving sex intolerance behind and embracing sex tolerance? Maybe it’s to meet your most amazing lover. Maybe it’s to meet your sexual self. Is it to have a full human experience with all the feelings, the connections and the sensations?

Focus on what you’ll actually gain if you were to allow yourself to be sexual, to allow sex and sexuality into life and to take full ownership of your sexuality. You get to be your authentic self, all of you. So over time I hope that you choose a path that takes you from sex intolerance to sex tolerance. And use the tools that I’ve talked about in the past, the tool of sex confidence. That eventually will lead you to sex abundance. So it’s sex intolerance to sex tolerance, and eventually to sex abundance.

And if you need any help along this path, I’m here for you, just reach out. Okay Diamonds, that’s all for this week, lots of love. Dr. Sonia out. Take care.

Female Announcer: Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of the Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast. If you enjoy Dr. Sonia’s fun and caring approach to sexual intimacy, head to soniawrightmd.com to learn more.