Ep #23: Sex Confidence

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast, episode 23.

Female Announcer: Welcome to the Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello Diamonds. I hope you’re all doing well. We’re kind of celebrating up here in Minnesota. It is such a warm day today, it’s in the 30s and it feels like summer. People are roaming around with just their sweat jackets on. That’s one thing I love about Minnesotans, we’re pretty hardy people. I have to say, we’re definitely hardy people. It’s been a great winter this year, pretty mild, not too many days below zero at all. And we only really have one more month to go out of the winter so it’s pretty exciting around here, a lot to be grateful for.

And something else that I’m pretty grateful for are mentors, mentors in my life, people who have taught many amazing lessons. And the other day I was sitting on my couch talking to one of my favorite mentors. I don’t think she knows that she’s my mentor but I learn so many great lessons from her. Her name is Jamieson and she is my nine year old daughter and she’s really an amazing human being. I watch her navigate this world with a unique combination of shyness, and fierceness, and self-confidence.

I really enjoy talking to her as she’s processing what’s happening in her world. I can tell that she’s thinking deeply about what it means to be a girl in this society. I love watching her give herself permission to go after her dreams even if the messages that she’s starting to hear from society is one of limitations. I love to hear her say to me, “Mama, girls are strong, just as strong as boys and we can do anything that we decide we want to.”

But I also realize that this is an important time in her life. It’s around the tween years when girls start shrinking down, opting out and deferring to others. They start thinking that they’re not enough, they’re not beautiful enough, they’re not smart enough, they’re not skinny enough, they’re not worthy enough. It’s really during this time that they could start to lose their self-confidence. Well, I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that that is not going to happen to my daughter.

In today’s episode I really want to explore self-confidence and specifically how it relates to sexuality. So what exactly is self-confidence? Well, I sum it up as being assured, as secure in your belief about yourself and your abilities. I honestly believe that we’re all born with a certain level of self-confidence, we just innately believe that we deserve to be loved and accepted just the way that we are. We just believe in our value and we don’t question it as babies.

And look at toddlers; if a toddler wants to do something they just do it. When we’re kids we don’t worry about failing, we believe in ourselves and we make things happen. We are like the greatest manifestors because of our self-confidence.

Look at how we learn how to walk, or to talk, or to ride a bike, we just have the confidence to keep trying, and trying again and knowing that we’re eventually going to succeed. We have faith in our abilities but over time something shifts, we start looking outside of ourself for evidence of our self-confidence. It’s like we need to prove that we’re worthy.

We start to question our abilities and our belief in ourself is no longer a given. Somehow confidence becomes based upon proving again, and again, and again that we’re good enough and we have the ability to accomplish our goals. It’s like the belief needs to be reinforced constantly by doing and getting approval from others. We start to look at other people for our self-confidence. But you know what? The thing is that self-confidence is actually an inside job. It develops as a result of trusting yourself and understanding that you can handle any situation.

You can experience any emotion and you’re going to be okay. And you know what? The worst thing that can happen is an emotion. But when you have self-confidence and believe in yourself you know you’re not going to abandon yourself, you’re not going to seek your security from someone else.

You trust in yourself enough to know that you have the tools necessary to get through any situation, that you can handle any situation. And you stop looking for approval from someone else and instead you give yourself the approval that you need because you believe in yourself and in your abilities. Basically you trust yourself and that trust, that trust in yourself. That is what self-confidence is, trusting in yourself and in your abilities. Self-confidence basically comes from within you. It’s the result of your thoughts, your feelings, your actions and your self-promises.

I really believe that self-confidence cannot be given to you and that you have to create it for yourself. If the source of your self-confidence is external, then you’re always going to be seeking approval from someone else and you’re never going to be enough. Just the way you are is never going to be enough.

But if the source of your self-confidence is within you then you can replenish and reinforce that self-confidence. And you’re free to be yourself and not to worry about people pleasing, you become worthy enough to please yourself. It’s what I call me pleasing as opposed to people pleasing. But how does self-confidence work in terms of sexuality. Can self-confidence be used to improve sexual intimacy in your life? Well, I’m a sex coach so you know I think it can. So if you add self-confidence and sexuality together you get something that I call sex confidence.

So what is sex confidence? I think of sex confidence as your level of self-confidence as it relates to your sexuality, your sex confidence. Sex confidence is basically how you think and feel about your sexuality. Basically your belief about your sexuality generates your level of self-confidence. Your opinion of yourself sexually is what raises or lowers your sex confidence. A sex confident person thinks that they’re good at sex, they’re good at expressing their sexuality and they’re comfortable with their sexuality.

When I think of sex confidence I think of abundance. I don’t think of scarcity. Sex confidence, it really allows us to revel in our sexuality. It’s kind of like celebrating your sexuality. It says that we’re all sexually capable and amazing. It’s also about being comfortable with your sexuality. If you’re able to stand in sex confidence then you become more accepting about sexuality, your own sexuality, and other people’s sexuality. You start to relax. You start to have fun with your sexuality and you become more comfortable with expressing that sexuality.

But sex confidence is not about perfection in the bedroom. I can think I’m the best lover ever. It may or may not be true. But I get to think that and I have a choice, I can think I’m the best lover ever or I can think I’m not so good at this. But I wonder which one’s going to lead to a more satisfying experience.

I know that if I think I’m not very good at this then I’m going to be in a place of anxiety. I’m going to be thinking in my head and not enjoying the moment. And I’m probably going to be focusing again, and again, and again on how I’m not very good at this. I’m probably not doing this right. My anxiety level’s going to go up and I’m not going to enjoy myself.

But if I think I’m the best sex lover ever whether or not it’s true, I think I’ll probably be in my body, I’ll be enjoying myself, I’ll be engaging in sexual intimacy with gusto. I can even think of myself getting an award for the being the best sexual lover ever. I can have as much fun with this. But the thing is that I’m building my sex confidence. I’m enjoying myself. I’m engaging in sexual intimacy with myself or with my partner but really from a place of enjoyment, and abundance, and fun, and happiness.

So sex confidence is not about perfection in the bedroom. It is about allowing your sexuality, and it’s about having fun with it, and it’s about approaching your sexuality with curiosity as well. It’s about being willing to feel all the emotions, even the uncomfortable ones. Because when you have sex confidence it allows you to trust that whatever issue you’re going to have to deal with, that you can handle, whatever issue, whatever emotion, whatever comes up, you can handle it. You can handle it.

And you can be able to observe your thoughts around sexuality and realize that those thoughts are not going to harm you. And as you become more comfortable with your sexuality and your sex confidence you naturally shift into a place of acceptance and eventual abundance. And sexual abundance is an amazing place to be. It’s a place where you’re enjoying every moment, where you’re in the moment.

And I talk a lot about mindfulness, when you’re in a place of sexual abundance you’re kind of reveling in the moment. You’re enjoying all the sensations in your body. And you’re confident that you can handle all the sensations. You’re not worrying about some situation going wrong. And even if it ‘goes wrong’ there’s no problem with that.

But you are there a 100%, you’re experiencing the situation. You are enjoying it, you’re in your body, you’re connecting with yourself, you’re connecting with your partner and that’s the important thing. And that’s how you get to a place of sexual abundance. So your sexual confidence will lead you to enjoy and experience, and to be a 100% in the situation.

And recognize whatever happens you can handle it. And that will lead to your sexual abundance. And that’s what I want. That’s what I want. It’s a place that I want all my Diamonds to experience because you deserve sexual abundance.

Okay, I’m going to wrap up this episode with a few questions for you. So what does self-confidence look like to you? How do you express self-confidence? How does it show up in your life? How does self-confidence and sexuality intersect in your life? And what does sexual abundance look like for you? Just some things to think about and I wonder, would you be willing to add self-confidence and sex confidence into your life? It’s a beautiful gift to give yourself. Give yourself the gift the sex confidence.

Okay Diamonds, that’s all I have for you today. I’ll talk to you soon. Lots of love.

Female Announcer: Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of the Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast. If you enjoy Dr. Sonia’s fun and caring approach to sexual intimacy, head to soniawrightmd.com to learn more.