Ep #143: Sex Coaching Q&A with Dr. Sonia and Coach Donna

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, episode 143.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello, everybody. Come on in. So good to see you. Come on in. Yay. Welcome, welcome. That’s so fun. We’re so excited for you all. May is such a fun month, and as you come in, feel free to put in the chat where you are calling in from.

I always love to know where our people are from across the country. It’s always so much fun. So come on in and go ahead and put in the chat if you’re able to, where you’re calling in from. So good to see you all. All righty. I am Dr. Sonia Wright. I am The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™. I think most of you know who I am.

And then I want to introduce you to one of my favorite people in the world, my sister from another mister. So Donna, introduce yourself.

Coach Donna: Hey, I am Donna Jennings and I am a life coach, physician, assistant, and educator. I am the Midlife Mastery coach for women, and I help women create their dream life for the rest of their life.

Sonia: I love that. The dream life for the rest of their life. And so a little bit of background about why we always hold this event in in May. So, May is like a really special month for me and for us here at The Midlife Sex Coach. May is the, like I started doing sex coaching. I’ve been doing life coaching since 2016, and I started doing sex coaching in 2019 and a year later, in May of 2020, I developed my first course called Own Your Sexuality Now.

So every May, it’s like a special time of the year for me. It’s like a celebration of my first online course that I did, and it’s a time where I like to celebrate and so many different things. May is a special month here at The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ World because it’s the anniversary of the Own Your Sexuality Now course. And so we’re celebrating that. We’re celebrating that we’re like four years into doing our sex coaching thing, and we’re also celebrating something fantastic that’s happening right now, which is The Lit Clit Club. Women have been asking for years, when am I going to have a membership.

And so this year we finally got to that place where the whole team got together and we’re like, yes, we are ready to do our membership. So our membership is up and running and we’re pretty excited about that. Yes, I’ll talk a little bit at the end of that, but this really is your night to ask any questions you have about around sex intimacy, creating the dream life that you want.

Like anything that you want to discuss, we are here. So any questions that you have, feel free to ask us and we will coach, we will discuss, we will talk about every anything. And some people have also sent in some questions, some people that couldn’t. That’s tonight. So we also had some other questions.

Feel free to put your questions in the chat if you’d like to. You can also put it in the Q and A. There’s an anonymous feature if you’d like to stay anonymous. We think that that’s something that’s very important. And of course we have our disclaimer, right, because we’re doctors and PAs and things like that.

So we’re doctors and PAs, but we’re not specifically your doctor or your PA. Do you have any questions specifically about your health? It’s always best to go check in with your doctor about that, but we are life coaches. I’m a Master Certified life coach. We are sex coaches. We’ve been doing this intimacy coaching for a number of years, and this is what we love to do.

So we have people coming from Maryland, we have people from Alexandria, Virginia, we have people from Minnesota, we have people from California, we have people from Texas. We have people from all over. And usually it’s interesting to see, sometimes it’s got a predominance of the East Coast. Sometimes it’s a predominance of the Midwest.

Sometimes it’s like the West Coast that’s happening, but we kind of have people scattered all over. So welcome. This is so much fun and we are gonna be starting to answer some questions and so let’s see. Oh yeah, we have also Oregon in the house. Love it. Pretty good too. So we, oh, there we go.

A West Coast representation as well. So I’m gonna start with some of the questions that were sent in ahead of time. And for everybody on this call, feel free to continue to ask and put questions either in the chat or in the Q and A, wherever you’d like to. And Donna, if you can read the call, the questions to me as well.

Donna: I will. Absolutely. Absolutely. And so one question is, do I have to participate? Like, can I be anonymous? Will everybody know my stuff in the membership?

Sonia: In the membership itself?

Donna: Yeah.

Sonia: Oh, yeah. So let’s talk about The Lit Clit Club for a second. So The Lit Clit Club is, it’s kind of webinar style. So it’s all webinar style. There’ll be one meeting style, which we call the Brady Bunch, and that’s just for building community. But the majority of the time you’re just gonna be sitting back and relaxing and asking whatever questions you wanna ask. Kind of in this similar format so that, because we’re gonna have a number of founding members, I’m so excited about this, you know.

Donna: That’s awesome.

Sonia: Everybody benefits from the coaching. It doesn’t matter if you got your situation answered at that call or the next call. There’s something to be learned about it, especially in the group coaching setting. So if you wanna remain anonymous, you can always put it in the Q and A. There’s the anonymous feature, so you feel free to do that.

And then if you put it in the chat, I usually don’t call out people’s names. I usually just answer the coaching question, but not specifically say a person’s name.

Donna: Right. So honor that privacy that way.

Sonia: Yeah. Sorry to get some questions coming in. So, please directly comment on women without partners or with partners who are no longer interested in how your info can benefit them. Sure. I think that that’s something that’s really important.

So when I’m focused on sexuality, whether it be my programs or what else, it’s not specifically about if you’re partnered or not partnered. I believe the majority of people are sexual beings and it’s still something that’s really important to engage with ourselves sexually and to have that in our lives.

There’s like, if you go back and you read, Think and Grow Rich. There’s a whole section where they talk about sexual transmutation and this concept that the sexual energy is one of the strongest energies we have in our lives as human beings. And that energy, when we tap into it, it is the source of all, like you can accomplish so many things in your life.

We get to have a connection with ourselves. So I am never focused on if there’s a partner or if there’s not a partner. I am focused on the individual, the woman, and what she would like in terms of relationship with herself in terms of the ability to express her sexuality, in terms of how she wants to grow and be.

So it’s not specifically if a person has a partner or doesn’t have a partner, different issues may come up. Right, Donna? Like if you have a partner, then you have your own sexuality and your own interest, and then you also have to take into considerations that sexual interaction with another human being. Right. So that may bring up some issues, but if you’re a single person, this is still a place for you. Because when we suppress part of who we are, we’re not living our full lives.

Now, this is different than like somebody that considers themself asexual. I wanna make sure that you understand that I have like high regard and for people that consider themselves asexual, but that’s like 1% of the population.

So there’s people that don’t necessarily consider themselves sexual or they consider themselves asexual. Now an asexual person usually has to do with not necessarily wanting to engage in sexual intimacy with another human being, but they may still be sexual within themselves.

And that still may be something that’s of interest to them. So the majority of people are sexual beings and that’s something that we should honor and we should… One thing that I think is important is for us to have an outlet, for us to have an area that you still get to be a sexual being. So much of our society is about, like you don’t get to be sexual if you don’t have a partner.

I don’t know about you, but this is a really good partner.

Donna: Got one within arm’s length. My friends, get ready for more of that. Okay?

Sonia: Of course I have one within arm’s length. Right? Our best partner is our first partner, which is ourselves. So I think that it’s important to understand when we’re talking about sexual intimacy, that we are also talking about a connection with ourselves and who we are as a human being.

So I hope that answers your question. But to be in my programs, it’s not specifically about being partnered. Sometimes a lot of issues come up because you’re partnered, but then there’s a lot of issues that may come up because you’re not partnered. But it’s a wonderful exploration to go on when you’re not partnered and you’re partnered with yourself.

Actually it’s not partnered or not partnered. It’s like, are you solo partnered? Are you self-partnered? Because you’re always partnered and like that partnered, that relationship is with yourself. And I think that that’s a beautiful relationship and you get to be sexual till you’re a hundred. I definitely believe in that one as well.

Donna: And you know, Dr. Sonia, the empowering aspect we talk about for the women that we coach, for the women that will be in The Lit Clit Club, it’s if you feel like you are stuck because you’re waiting on somebody else to drive the train of your pleasure. Well, then you kind of are, and we don’t come at things from the, we come from an empowering position versus victimhood.

Now, if in that there might be some emotions and some thoughts you gotta deal with around a mismatched libido, a disinterested partner, and what the impact that has on you and the things you think about, that we’re here for that. We’re here for all of that, the mindset and goals on intimacy and being you.

Then let’s let that unfold. But you’ll hear us a lot talk about your sexual intimacy and your sexual pleasure. It’s all in your own hands. Oh, I’m gonna say that and get innuendos like crazy, but it’s in your hands. You get to take 100% of responsibility for your sexual pleasure and we’re here to support you.

Sonia: And then of course, if we’re talking about that then I have to talk about, it’s in hands reach, right? You can always get to your clitoris, right? It was not put at your toe, it was put in a nice location where, maybe a camel toe, but it was put in a nice location. You can easily reach it. Right? So it’s in hands reach, right?

So yes, there’s a reason for that, right? So yes, you, you’ll see that we tend to have a lot of fun here and we do. And that’s part of it is because sometimes like sexuality is kind of a serious topic and it hurts people’s soul.

So I am not about laughing at anybody, but I about like breaking the ice and making it a little bit more relaxing for people. And sometimes we cry here. You know, sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, sometimes we do it all right. But at the same time, it’s a place where it’s a safe place, a safe community where you can come. If you have any concerns or anything like that, you can share that and know that it is a safe place for you here.

So we do, we do laugh a little bit, but at the same time we do quite a bit of coaching and we’re just here for you. And to make sure that whatever you need, and as Donna is saying, empowerment is such an important part of all this. I think that when women tap into their sexuality, they tap into a really strong, powerful part of who they are.

And when they show up in the bedroom as who they want to be and ask for what they want, and they’re comfortable having discussions and they get to that place, they usually take that and they go out from there into the world and they work on the life that they want to lead. So when Donna is talking about empowerment, that’s definitely, we, we talk about empowerment inside and outside of the bedroom because it really does make a difference.

All righty.

Donna: Yeah, and I would also add because someone did say, what’s the difference between the value of being in a membership versus one-on-one and what do I get over a long period of time versus in some condensed format. And I would say, the ability, one of the keys to that is that you can grow within this community over time.

There’s no hurry. It’s not like, you know, yes, I mean one-on-ones. I do one-on-ones. They have their place, but then if they’re different people, if you wanna grow over time, you wanna learn about something and then implement it, and then get a result, and then tweak that. There’s no hurry. Like planting seeds and then like, I’ve got 12 weeks for a harvest.

Right. This is over time, you can work on areas, you can grow, you can get feedback, you can get additional coaching to just kind of walk along your life with you. And I think that that’s a huge advantage of a membership. There’s a lot of pressure off and you get to grow in the process as opposed to like, I gotta hurry up and get this result because yeah, I get it in 12 weeks.

Sonia: I would agree with you, Donna and I think that it’s like you are there in a community. Like when I run my 12 week courses, I love doing them and I connect so closely with people, but then the 12 weeks is up, right?  You get to be within a community, you get to grow and develop over a period of time. And so you get to like start on your journey and then you realize, oh wait, there’s an area that I thought I didn’t know I wanted to go down and explore and we’ll talk about this more.

But you can have a pathway within a membership and you can take some different offshoot pass and go look at something you might wanna look at, non-monogamy a little bit and learn a little bit more about BDSM.

Or you might wanna learn a little bit more about women’s libido, but it’s not something where it has to be in such a short period of time. And as you grow and develop, different things will come up. And so that’s another part of a membership. And then the environment, the information is there for you.

You can always go back into the different vaults, review if you decide. And the way we have it broken down, we have like, I’ll talk a little bit more about this, but sexual health and then dreams gaping and different areas. So you can click on that and just see all the previous calls. So that’s how you can work within a membership.

So it’s like a treasure chest that you get to open to have some fun times with. Alrighty. So let me like get onto some of the questions that have come up for coaching and then we will go from there. So let me see. The first question I have is, “I’ve been married for a long time. I love my husband, but I don’t find that I’m physically attracted to him anymore and that makes it hard to get excited about sex with him. Any suggestions?” This is a really good question to have. And it happens that we go through these different phases, and it may be the case that sometimes things are hot and heavy and sometimes things are not as hot and heavy.

Women often come to me, they’ll come to me because they’re saying there’s some libidos issues that are maybe going on, but also they may be coming because they’re like, I’m not feeling the same type of attraction that I did to my partner in the past.

Now, one thing that I look at, and there’s so many different ways to come at this, but one way to look at this is that you get to decide what you want the outcome of this to be. You get to decide what is the most important aspect, right? I’m always thinking, come at it from the goal, the result that you want in mind.

Do you want to continue to have a loving relationship that’s sexual in nature? Then that’s gonna inform what kind of work you’re going to do. If you wanna have a respectful relationship and you’re not really interested in pursuing sex in that relationship, then you’re kind of going down a different path.

Or you can decide that you don’t necessarily want to be in this relationship at all. But like you get to decide. There’s so many different choices and results that you can have, and depending on what you want, then you kind of work it backwards. So Donna and I trained at the same place, at The Life Coach School. We look a lot at the thoughts and feelings and actions, which lead to result.

So if you look at the results and the results is you want to stay in a committed relationship with only your partner and you want to have sexual intimacy within that relationship, then that’s going to cause certain actions that you’re gonna wanna have, which is engaging in sexual intimacy.

Like that’s gonna be, that’s pretty much, yeah, it’s gonna be an action, maybe a loving connection. It’s gonna be another action that you’re going to want, like, so you get to decide what it is, what kind of actions you wanna take. If you wanna desire your partner, that’s an action. So if you look at these actions, then you kind of go back and like, how do you want to feel in order to be engaging in sexual intimacy, to be having that connection with your partner?

Like, how do you wanna feel, Donna? What would you think? Like, and this is usually, I asked the person, but they had kind of sent this question in ahead of time. But we both have been sex coaching for a long time. So what type of feelings do the people that you coach have a tendency to want to investigate?

Donna: They would be, so if they’re willing or if they’re open to, well open is one. Curious is another. Interested, encouraged, hopeful. Those are types of emotions that lead individuals into being open to and wanting intimacy and to, to participate in that and facilitate that event versus any closed off, even resentment or other types of emotions that might get in the way, driving them to be closed off.

So those are some of the types of emotions, and in my opinion, they’re kind of in the similar bucket. They’re in a similar arena, maybe different charges, different, significant, maybe one’s a little bit more positively charged than another, but they’re all, in general, I call them like cousins to one another in this scenario. Because I think any one of those would lead to being open. And whether that’s initiating, whether that’s communicating to your partner that you’re available. Willing to participate in conversations around that, even if that’s the beginning, right? We’ve had this disconnect. Then we start moving towards connection.

Sonia: Yeah, definitely. And then like it may be the case that like I also look at come as you are when we talk about libido and accelerators. Now if you’re in a relationship with your partner where you’re not necessarily feeling as connected to them or as attracted as you were, then maybe it’s also an area to look at what makes you more interested in sexual intimacy?

What flips your switch, you know? So that might be another area that you go down once you decide that you wanna feel. Willing or curious or horny maybe, right? So yes, whatever the feeling is. Whatever the feeling is, then you, you go back to the thought as well, which is what is gonna lead to that feeling?

What’s gonna make you more interested? So could be that I want a loving, committed relationship with my partner, my partner’s an amazing person, and we deserve a loving, sexually charged relationship. Right? So whatever your thought is that thought is gonna lead to a specific feeling and then that will lead to certain actions.

But it’s also good to have some information. One of my favorite books is Becoming Cliterate. Another one is Come As You Are and Come As You Are talks a lot more about accelerators and breaks, which would be accelerators or things that make you more interested in sexual intimacy. And breaks are things that make you less interested in sexual intimacy.

So if you’re not that attracted to your husband and or your partner, your non-binary partner or whomever, because they are kind of smelly and they don’t have good hygiene. That might be a place that we have a discussion about, right? So there, there’s certain things that, you know, you may have to have a hard conversation about, but then there’s also this place where you kind of focus in on you and what is it that would make you more interested in sexual intimacy with your partner?

Focus in on what attracts you to your partner, what you would find attractive. Do you need to engage? Do you need to feel like you are attracted, or that they find you attractive? Do you need like the, the chore play stuff done? Is there a lack of communication that’s happening? So there’s could be so many different things that are leading to this disconnect, and it becomes important to get an idea of what exactly is causing the disconnect, and then focus in on that, if that makes sense.

Donna: Totally, totally, very much. Chore play. I’m curious if anybody’s heard of the topic, the title or, or that that word chore play. You introduced me to that, that phrase chore play, and I likes it.

Sonia: Chore play’s a great thing and it’s about getting to know yourself, right? It’s about like if you tend to be a person that gets stressed out because you want the house to be a certain way by the end of the evening before you even think about engaging in sexual intimacy. And let me just say that you can have sex anytime night or day, afternoon, evening, but people have a predominance to want sex in the evening or think that that’s the appropriate time to have sex, but they also want their house cleaned.

They also may want the kids put to bed, like they also may wanna do different activities to get their mind right about their day before they end the day. And that’s where chore play comes in. Now, if you’ve got like 1,001 things to do, you’re juggling a stressful job and then there’s tens of stuff to do at home and then you have a partner that’s like, hey baby, how are you doing? Trying to squeeze every little curve you’ve got, that usually pisses you off and puts you in the place where you just don’t want anything to do with them. But imagine the opposite of that, which is you have a partner that is like, honey, what do you need? What, what should I handle?

Not that it should be up to the woman, just in general about chores in life. But unfortunately in our society, it does tend to fall that way. So if you know ahead of time there’s certain things you’d like done, maybe somebody cooking you a meal, the sheets on the bed changed, you know, the laundry done, whatever it is, the kid’s asleep. Whatever. Those are the things that endear you to your partner and make your partner look a lot more attractive. Like if they’re like, honey, you take a break and go take a rest and I’ll take care of this. Then you have room and space in your life for yourself. For self-care.

And to also consider engaging with another person. But if you’ve got so much on your plate, the last thing you wanna do is like have somebody that’s like, hey baby, you’re looking mighty fine. You’re like, no, just no don’t. Right.

Donna: Like, I might look fine, but you can watch me while I sleep. Take care.

Sonia: I look fine. But not for you, please.

Donna: That’s right. Right. Yeah. And we get that a lot in the, in the clients we coach that they are full, their lives are full, they have just no energy left. They feel like they have no energy left, and that sex is just one more thing on the to-do list. And they’re trying to figure out how to even make time for that then.

And I’d say that’s where, again, this community is supportive because what happens in the bedroom is affected by things going on outside the bedroom. And you totally get that. And so helping women understand how to maximize their lives in every area is then also going to feed into being more available for pleasure and, and even interested and looking for it and participating in it, rather than just having to check, check a list, check it o off the list.

Sonia: And one of the reasons why I wanted to have this Q and A call with you specifically, is because you’re my dream scraper, you’re the person that I go to in terms of like, coaching around people’s and women’s lives, right? So like, we’re all about creating the best life for women inside and outside the bedroom. So tell us a little bit more, like we were talking about you being kind of in charge of the journey to the authentic self, right? What does your coaching like, lead to that journey? And how does that tie into sexuality just in general.

Donna: Got it. Yeah. Thank you. It’s a powerful question. I believe that the world is better when you are you. You are wonderfully wired and uniquely designed. And I don’t just mean genetically designed as a woman. I mean you, who you are, what you bring to the planet, what you bring to the people around you, the impact you have. And I think we are all better when you are you.

I also believe and have experience that we learn from a young age that when we do something and people applaud, we wanna do more of that. And when we do something and people are like, I don’t know about that, or don’t do that, don’t do that, then we shut that down. And so we learn even before we realize what’s happening, when to be whatever is acceptable and when to shush ourselves. And thinking of correlation, there’s a lot of shushing of ourselves in the bedroom and just being whatever is needed when we’re just kind of on that hamster wheel of people pleasing and not necessarily even thinking about it as people pleasing, but what is needed next of me?

Okay. And getting our identity and affirmation from our environment of okay, I’m getting accolades for doing really well in school. Good. I’m a scholar. Okay. And then I’m someone’s girlfriend, boyfriend, lover, right? And then I’m someone’s spouse or partner and I do this for a career and I’m a parent.

I’m all of these identities, but who are you?

Sonia: It’s like they’re all external, right? Like you’re defining yourself by external relationships and functions as opposed to who you are in terms, yeah. All the applause.

Donna: And we can enjoy the things that we’ve chosen to do. We can enjoy. We coach women whose plates are so full of all of the things that have been put on those plates, proverbial plates by everybody else. And they’re walking through life, living a life that was given to them to some degree. And they’re complying with that.

And I wanna help them remember and get sight of what are they like, who do they wanna be instead of a reactionary life. They get to create their dream life. They get to create a life by design where they can be responsive. And that helps us not be pulled in all these different directions. And what’s amazing is we feel like, oh no, we will be totally disruptive of the world around us if we do that. And that doesn’t happen. Well, it’s the world around us doesn’t fall apart.

Sonia: It’s like an internal oppression, right? Like they talk about when an elephant is little and they’re at the circus, right? And they have one leg in a rope and then they like nail that rope into the ground, right? And when the elephant’s like a little baby and they’ve got that rope tied to them, then they like try to get away, but they can’t, right? And now you go two or three years later and their adult form, I don’t know how long it takes to be an adult for an elephant, let’s say five years, and then it’s in the adult form. They still just had that little rope, right? But because they tried as a baby, they tried when they were little with that rope, they now, as an adult, they don’t even try.

Right? And it’s the same type of thing with women. Like we are raised to be a certain way to be good girls and all that stuff. And then we get to this point where we have internalized all the rules so that nobody needs to tell us anymore, right? So it’s like we had that rope on us and the damn thing is like so thin we could just take it off and throw it at any moment. But we’ve internalized all those rules and we keep the rules and we don’t realize that we are the ones that are now keeping the rules, right? And that we can actually get to this place where we’re like, that’s not gonna work for me anymore. And choose what we actually want in our life.

Donna: We can challenge stereotypes because you can have your best orgasms when you’re 70 and 80. It’s, you get to and just, I’m not just talking to you on this call either Dr. Sonia. Anyway. So to even think about that, right. To realize like that elephant you didn’t even realize you were responding to an invisible robe. To invisible boundaries. You didn’t even, you don’t even realize what you don’t think is possible.

Sonia: Yeah, like the invisible boundaries around sexuality would be like, you’re allowed to be like a sex kitten and be sexy like from the age of 20 till about the age of 40. And then we’re, it starts getting question, right. That’s bullshit. That is again a rope that somebody put there that you get to throw off and be 56 and being like, hey, hey, hey.

Donna: Yes. Hello. Yes. Because literally you can have a toddler and be a sex kitten, and just because you’re a mom now doesn’t mean you have to hang up that whole persona.

All of those things you enjoyed and literally had a client say, can I do that?

Sonia: Yeah. And we don’t realize that we can’t and that. We get to give ourselves the permission. Yes. Like it’s not somebody that, there’s not like some Bureau of Sexy, like women’s sexuality. But if there were, I would not, [crosstalk]. Nobody gets to pass out a sexuality card, like you’re good enough. It does not matter. You get to decide.

This is the part where you get to give yourself permission. Your brain, like, you get to be like, I am beautiful, I am sexy, I am amazing. I get to, and our bodies are always changing, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we are like, we only have a, like an expiration date on our sexuality.

Like women, well in their seventies, eighties, nineties, can be beautifully sexual and enjoying themselves, right, and creating the best life for them. But you know, the ones that are still engaged in life and still living life and still looking for new adventures in the bedroom and outside the bedroom, like, you know them, they have this spark in their eye, right?

They look like they’re up to mischief all the time. And I’m hoping that when I’m 90, I look like I’m up to mischief.

Donna: I have no doubt about that. Yeah, absolutely. Have no doubt about that.

Sonia: Yes. But this is something that in the way of like the energy and the way you feel about yourself, right?

Donna: And confidence that you exude and the confidence when you are you, you walk in that. And there’s a freedom in that. There are not layers. And I think of them as like heavy wet blankets or something covering you of conformity and conditioning that are weighing you down and preventing you from breathing and being alive.

When you are you, you’re just more at one with the world. And it’s so, it’s more fulfilling and every area is more fulfilling, including your sex life.

Sonia: You know, what I want is for people that are on this call to put in the chat or the Q and A, what are your dreams in life like, what is it that you’d wanna do?

Do you wanna travel? Do you wanna sing? Do you want, like, people think that we get to a certain age and we give up our dreams, and this is part of The Lit Clit Club. It’s definitely about sexuality, but it’s also about what are your dreams? What’s the next thing you’d like to do, Donna, what’s your dream? What would you like to do.

Donna: I have applied, this is just one of those, off the cuff things, but I have applied to go on Wheel of Fortune.

Sonia: I love that.

Donna: I just thought, what the heck, might as well enjoy it. My husband and I watch it together and I thought, well, why not have some fun? Who says I can’t? Go apply and, you know, we’ll see what comes of it. But I thought, I’m even happier about pressing past the hidden little restraint. Of like, oh, why would you do that? Well, why wouldn’t I do that? Yeah, why not? And when I pushed past the restraint of any little things popping around in my head and just got on the computer and did it, I felt more alive.

I felt freer. More uninhibited. Why? Because I said yes to something I wanted. And it doesn’t hurt anybody. It’s fun. And I thought, give it a shot. And my joy about it is not even dependent on them ever saying yes.

Sonia: It changes who you are, right? It’s your identity of yourself that changes. So when you make a decision to do something and to go forth, do something different than you, than what somebody people say you should be doing, or, you know, like life is meant to be lived in so many different ways, and that’s what this Lit Clit Club is about, lit for your life being lit up in amazing, clit because I’m always gonna love the clit. It’s my best friend and I wanna make it yours, and I wanna make it yours. This is the clitoris here. [Crosstalk].

Donna: And there are many more puppets to come. Many more puppets and many more toys. This is the tip of the iceberg. Yeah, but just the tip.

Sonia: Oh my god. Donna, you’re a talker. I’m a talker. Okay. We have somebody on the call saying, “I wanna travel.” I’ll become a certified life coach. And open a tea room with the next, I adore tea like I am totally that. I was born in England. We moved soon after I was born. But my tea is like my comfort and joy. So a scone with some cream and jelly, I am right there like yes. Little sandwiches. I will.

Donna: All the things like, yes, I will come up to Marlboro for some of that because that, because this is Jacqueline and she says she’s in Marlboro, Maryland. I will make it a drive for that.

Sonia: Yes, definitely. So sweet. So yes, definitely we want you to be thinking about what your dreams are and what your whole, what it is that you’re interested in doing. It’s a life you want. Yes, exactly. Okay, so let me just, let’s see, we have a couple more minutes. I’m gonna get to another question. If you have any questions, more questions, please put it in the chat. But this call, of course, all calls are about life coaching and sex coaching, but this one is with Donna, our dream catcher.

So it’s also about that as well. So let me see about another question that is put in here. So, let’s see. My concern is I’m unable to have an orgasm with my partner. I’m 59 years old and I still have not had one. I have been able to have one with a vibrator, but after somebody tries, my partner tries, but to no avail. So this has to do with orgasms, and this is a really good question. So thank you so much for sending this in, and we’re gonna make the replay available so that everybody can listen to our coaching on this.

So orgasms are one of those things like, once again, society has said that, that we value sex if there is an orgasm, right? And we only value certain types of orgasm. And so we don’t take into consideration that there’s many different ways that we have pleasure around sex, sexual pleasure, and there’s many different ways that we can experience an orgasm. Yes, the majority of people experience an orgasm as like this contraction of the pelvic floor, sequential kind of contraction of the pelvic floor muscles associated with pleasure.

But there’s so many different ways. Some people experience orgasms as just a weakness in their knees. Some people feel it as like a general enjoyable pleasure sensation all throughout their body. Some people feel it like a pleasurable sensation wrapping around their buttocks. It’s a lot of different ways that we can experience an orgasm, but it does not match what society and romance novels and things like that say in orgasm should feel like and look like, right?

So we get caught up in, the first thing that I like to talk about is, who says that the orgasm is the end all and be all of life. Like who says that? Like who gets to decide if sex is good only if there’s an orgasm, right? That’s the first thing. Like you get to decide if you’re enjoying sex. You get to decide that the, it is a pleasurable thing whether or not there’s an orgasm there. So much when we put the focus on orgasm. We kind of are up in our mind all the time and not in our body feeling any sensations, because it’s not the right sensation, so I’m not gonna be in my body. It has to be a certain way, so I’m not gonna be in my body.

It’s like we are like the, the orgasm patrol people. So like this, this, that was something. So when I’m coaching around orgasms, yes, I understand and I honor what you’re saying and what your concerns are. A hundred percent. I honor that. And at the same time, I don’t feel that we should put all the focus on the orgasm that our society does because an orgasm is a good thing, but it’s not how I judge or decide if something is valuable.

It’s a sexual encounter. Like I prefer to focus on was there pleasure, was there connection? Was there satisfaction? Those are the kind of things, uh, what do you put the focus on Donna when you’re coaching around orgasms?

Donna: Well, what is the experience someone wants to have, right? For what purpose? The orgasm. For what purpose? The whole sexual experience. And frequently, interestingly enough, I have a lot of women who they want connection, so he wants sex and again, I guess I’m talking about a heteronormative relationship because usually there is not a disconnect, but just seeing it differently that the male partner is interested in having sex, or that’s how they see the male partner and they want intimacy. They want connection.

So can you have that even without an orgasm? First of all, like there’s multiple layers to this question, but can you have connection? Can you have intimacy? Can you enjoy some pleasure and focus time and being alone even without orgasm? And know that nothing went wrong. I think that’s the key, knowing that nothing went wrong or nobody has to be disappointed. What did you enjoy versus what did not happen?

Sonia: What are the sensations? What did your body feel like? During sexual intimacy, what did you enjoy? Like that type of focus? And then the other side is that this concept that we feel orgasms differently and we need to be aware that it may feel different depending on how it shows up in our body and so to be aware of that. So I think that that is important.

I wanted to share as we get close to wrapping up, any last questions from anybody? I definitely wanna make sure that we’re answering questions and then if there’s not questions, then I’m gonna talk a little bit about The Lit Clit Club. But I wanna make sure that if there’s any questions that anybody needs any coaching on around sex, around intimacy, around creating your best life around the, the miseducation of women. It’s really what I think about.

Donna: And I will throw out right, that it’s really very, it’s new information for women when we talk to them about the, actually, the percentage of women who do not have an orgasm with penetrative sex important versus those that do. Yeah. And it’s like, you can almost just see it like, oh yeah. Like nothing is wrong with you.

Sonia: Right. Our society says that we should be focused on penetration, and we should be focused on having an orgasm with penetration. Only 15% of women actually have an orgasm with penetration alone. The majority of women will need some clitoral stimulation, and so if you put a vibrator on, just like that question saying, I can do it with a vibrator, but not necessarily just with my partner. That’s because the level of the stimulation is different. And so then sometimes the other issue comes up about is it okay to have toys in the bedroom?

What does that mean? What will it mean for my partner? All it means is your body needs a certain type of stimulation. And toys provide that stimulation. And you get to the choice of putting that in if you choose that you don’t wanna add a toys to the bedroom for whatever reason, and I would look at those reasons, but if you choose, you didn’t not want to, that’s okay.

But maybe while you’re masturbating or pleasuring yourself, do it more from the manual stimulation. So your body gets used to that. Because if you’re exclusively masturbating with vibrators and then you’re, you’re having sexual intimacy with your partner, it’s gonna be a different type. Like one’s got a motor or the other one doesn’t. Right? So mix it up a little bit so that you are used to that type of stimulation and that level of stimulation. And figure out what your body needs in order to have an orgasm with that type of stimulation, if that makes sense.

Donna: Yeah, totally. And I think that’s great. Great information. Are there any suggestions for self-partnered women when she doesn’t wanna get overstimulated by direct clitoral contact and then have human contact?

Right, so suggestions for self-partnered women and am I understanding this question that, hey, while I’m self-partnered I’m going to use manual stimulation? I might use the vibrator, I might use a clitoral stimulator. However, I don’t want to get so used to that level of stimulation that when I am partnered, I don’t enjoy it. I think that’s the question.

Sonia: If we go back and look at the structure of the clitoris, and we need to think that this little tip is the part that we normally see. This is pretty sensitive. This is the gland part of the clitoris. So if you’re putting a vibrator or massaging doing direct stimulation to this spot, that might be pretty intense. But we need to recognize that the legs of the clitoris extend deep to the lips of the vulva. And so you could focus on rubbing and stimulating this area if you want to with a vibrator with your hand, as opposed to the tip if you would prefer not to get over stimulated. But I don’t think most of the time with the different types of toys and manual stimulation that you’re going to get to such a level that you’re so overstimulated that you’re not gonna enjoy like manual stimulation.

Now, having said that, there’s usually the, the wands, like the Hitachi magic wand and those type of toys that have really got an intense motor in them. Those are the ones that might be more where you would have, like if you’re putting direct stimulation on your clitoris, on your vulva region and that’s giving you like a whoa type of sensation and you don’t necessarily want that sensation, then I usually suggest like using a washcloth or something or using something that acts more like a barrier between you and the wand or the vibrator, whatever, put lube on the side that’s gonna be against your vulva.

That’s gonna be against, your vulva is the outside of your area. That the area that has the lips. The vagina is the inside part, and then the vulva is everything else that’s between your legs, like your clitoris, your urethra, your inner lips, your outer lips. We call all that the vulva. Now you’ll wanna put some lubrication on that area and then maybe put a cloth down or something so that it would kind of dampen the stimulation if you’re feeling like you’re getting overstimulated by using the vibrator.

But it doesn’t happen that much, but it can happen, especially with vibrators that have like a strong motor on them.

Donna: Yeah. That, that answered that. And then just also don’t forget that the significance of skin as a whole, the sensitivity of skin everywhere and you can play with that vibrator, the wand, whatever, on thighs, on buttocks, on low back, on breasts, right? So versus like honing right in. You can do that, but you could also enjoy and just celebrate with your whole body.

Sonia: Yeah, the whole body experience is a beautiful thing. I had a client that was very much into brushing, like dry brushing and this technique, there’s a special brush out there, and her and her partner would dry brush quite a bit. They had a beautiful sensual type of relationship, and dry brushing became something that became a part of it that they really enjoyed.

So we don’t necessarily have to focus right on the clitoris or right on the vulva. We can definitely have this whole body experience where you start from the top. You can like massage your own head. You can rub like parts of your body that feel just. Delicious and delightful, right? So we get to have that. And I should say that Lisa is our embodiment person. She’s our body image coach. She’s a great sex coach as well, but she handles our embodiment stuff and definitely she’s gonna over the course of our time in The Lit Clit Club, she’ll be taking us on this embodiment journey so that we have that connection to our body since it’s something so important.

All righty. I wanna make sure that we’re good on questions. Questions there? Okay. Let me see if I can share my screen and talk a little bit about The Lit Clit Club. The Lit Clit Club has been years in the making and we wanted to create the best life, have you create your best life inside and outside the bedroom.

So it’s a monthly membership program and over the course of the month of May, you’re gonna be meeting all the coaches in The Lit Clit Club, and we’re just gonna be having a fantastic time. So The Lit Clit Club, it’s an online sex coaching and life coaching program. It’s a monthly membership program. And that’s $97 a month. But I’ll be talking a little bit more about the price as it relates to the founding members month and May.

There’s live weekly coaching and it’s also recorded, and it’s an amazing team of coaches, just amazing. And any topic, honestly, there’s not a topic that we can’t coach on, that we can’t talk to you about.

So topics include libido, anatomy, toys, trauma, sexual health, menopause, and so much more. Right here is the link to The Lit Clit Club, so you can sign up the. The Lit Clit Club is for you if you want to explore and embrace their sexuality. If you want to release sexual limitations that have been blocking you to have an amazing sexual intimacy experience, if you no longer want to settle for lack of sexual intimacy and passion in your life, and if you know that you deserve more in life and you’re willing to reach out and grab it, then The Lit Clit Club is for you.

So The Lit Clit Club is for you even if you feel like you have zero sex drive and it can’t be fixed. Let me tell you, it can be fixed. You can’t eventually, your sex drive it you. It’s for you. Even if you are raised to think that sex is shameful or bad, we can do something about that. There’s nothing shameful or bad around sex or sexuality.

If you think you’re not worthy of amazing sexual intimacy or an amazing life, then you’ve come to the right place because we are here to help. And if you believe your body is not sexy enough, it’s plenty sexy. It doesn’t have to look a certain shape or size or color or any of those things. It gets to be beautiful, sexual, sensual and amazing right now.

So if you think nothing is ever gonna change, then let me tell you, The Lit Clit Club is for you. Your situation is not doomed and we can definitely help you. So as a member of The Lit Clit Club, you get to rediscover your libido, which I think is one of the most fun things to work on with women. And so they’re like, oh my goodness.

It’s not gone. It’s just maybe showing up in a different way in your life, right? You get to be more comfortable expressing your sexuality and prioritizing your needs. Women do not know how to prioritize their needs, so this is something that we work on. You get to put yourself first. You get to create the life of your dreams.

You’re gonna have a better understanding of your sexual anatomy and sexual health. I think this is important part because we are not taught about this. I’m a medical doctor. There’s not a lot that we are taught when it comes to sexual intimacy, and especially around women’s sexuality. Right? And Donna, you’re a PA, right?

Donna: Totally. Same thing here. I’m, yeah, a hundred percent.

Sonia: A hundred percent. So you’re gonna embark on a journey to you. Maybe it’s like your first time where you get to spend time with yourself and you get to focus on your dreams and create your amazing life. It’s gonna be lit in The Lit Clit Club.

Donna: I love it.

Sonia: Roll call. So this is amazing team right here in The Lit Clit Club. I’m just gonna talk about them quickly. So there’s me, that’s me. I’m the sex coach Dr. Sonia Wright. I think most of you know me. I’m a medical doctor. I’m a radiologist. I’m a trained sexual counselor. I’m a master certified life coach. I’ve also worked in a sex toy store.

I’m really on a mission to help women embrace their sexuality, to end any emotional pain in isolation or shame that they have around sex and just to get to enjoy life really. Lisa Hatlestad. She is also a master life coach, and she’s an intimacy sex coach. She is our embodiment and body image coach. She’s just amazing. You are gonna fall in love with your body if you’re not already there.

With the help with Lisa, Donna Jennings is our spitfire. You gotta watch her at all times. But she has this love for life that’s amazing, and she wants to share it with you and to help and to coach you around sex and intimacy, but also around creating the amazing life. And she’s on the call right now. I forgot to mention that each of these people on Monday the 29th are gonna be talking to Lisa.

And then we have Dr. Kimery Newsom. Dr. Kimery Newsom is our relationship and trauma coach. She is also my wife, so you’ll also meet her in many different capacities. We are gonna be having a Q and A call on May 18th. And she does our trauma and relationship. Now, when it comes to trauma, we are really specific that if you’re dealing with trauma, that you need to be seeing your own therapist around this. If you’re seeing your own therapist and you wanna get some additional coaching on it, that’s what we are here for.

Gretchen, she handles our LGBTQ, and she is our LGBTQ coach around sexual orientation around being married to somebody of a different sexual orientation than you. And she’s also, she’s a business coach and a life coach. There’s so many fun things that Gretchen can do. And then on Thursday the 25th is our Q and A call with her, Reverend Jacqueline Arnold.

She is gonna be handling our Queen’s corner. She is our Queen’s corner coach. And for those of you who may not be familiar, Queen’s Corner is for women, 50 years of age and older women that are post-menopausal and women that want to create their best life. We’re gonna be having a Q and A call on May 28th at 1:00 PM Central Time.

All these times are central time so that you can get to know what the Queen’s Corner is about. We have several sex educators and sexual health educators. Evelyn Rush is amazing. She’s another spitfire. She’s been working for Planned Parenthood for 30 years. There is not a question around sexual health that she can’t answer specifically, women’s sexual health or just your partner’s sexual all of it.

Alrighty. This is the schedule for May. We sent it out in the email. I’m hoping you’re on the email list so you can see every Thursday evening at 7:00 PM central time, we’re going to be having something, and then also we have to put it on the 28th, but the 21st and the 28th and the 29th, we’re also having different sessions, so six sessions this month, and just so you have a sense of what The Lit Clit Club is and every month you get quite a bit, so you get weekly sex coaching.

I’m not gonna spend a lot of time on this, but basically you get weekly sex coaching with all of our coaches, our sex coaches. I’m the main head sex coach, and definitely you’ll be getting lots of sex coaching the sexual health with myself, and also other people like Evelyn Rush that can answer questions related to sexual health.

I think it’s so important that women get the information that they need. Especially around perimenopause and menopause. The information is just not out there. Relationship coaching, Dr. Kimmery Newsom handles that with her background in marriage and family therapy. She is here to help you with your relationships with partners, but also with family members and friends because it’s all important.

We do have the weekly life coaching as well because we’re all trained, certified life coaches and we recognize that life is not separate from sex and vice versa. Dream coach. Hey, hey, roll call. That would be Donna who’s in the house right now, who is the dream life coaching. What do you want? You know, what do you want in life?

You get to dream big. You get to explore possibilities and you get to make it happen. So body image and embodiment coaching. We talked about Lisa, she, I just can’t even say enough. I went through a session with her recently, an embodiment session, and I just felt so connected to my, however power and spirituality and my body.

It was just beautiful. Trauma coaching. We mentioned this before. Dr. Kimmery Newsom is gonna lead us on our trauma. So many of us have had trauma in our life. And I can’t tell you how many times I coach women and they’re like, I’m not sure if I’ve had trauma because they’re not sure if it’s okay to label it. But honestly, there’s a lot of women that have had sexual trauma or trauma in one way or another.

And we have to start talking about that. And so Dr. Kimmery Newsom is there to help us. The Queen’s Corner, Jacqueline, Reverend Jacqueline Arnold, she is so amazing. She is inspirational. She does so much work around women leading their best lives in, in their fifties, sixties, and beyond that I just had to ask her to come and be on my team.

Rainbow. That is Gretchen. So the LGBTQIA+ coaching, definitely we’re gonna look at self-identity expression. These are all different classes that are in the month. You choose what you want. You don’t have to go to every session, and they’re all recorded.

Toy unboxing. Okay. Come to the toy unboxing. We’ll have some fun with that. So come to that one. Guest experts, you tell us who you want to have us get to come and talk to you about different subjects, and we’ll find them. We’ll bring them in.

So, as I said before, this is the link so you can just type it out, sonia-wright-md.mykajabi.com/litlit and then come and join the club. We’re here for you. Create that amazing sex life, that amazing life of your dreams. Find the supportive community so you’re not feeling alone. So I mentioned all these things. Relationship trauma, body image for women over fifties.

All that is like a monthly membership of $500, but for me, I think it’s so important to keep it to be a reasonable place. So it’s $97 a month or $970 a year. Which, like if you try to go find a sexual counselor or a sexual therapist or anybody that deals around sex coaching, you’re not gonna find it for $97 a month.

You know, this is an investment in your life and in your intimacy and in your dreams. And $97 a month, it really doesn’t get better than that. And if you choose the 12 month option, then you get it for the price of 10 months. It’s so important that my Diamonds have access to me, have access to this program and have it at a reasonable price.

So 97 is like, my Own Your Sexuality now program is $2,500 for 12 weeks. This one is $97 a month, but May is the founding members month. So founding members, I’m gonna tell you straight up that we have bonuses and we have a special price. So let’s get into what a founding members month is all about. It is $67 a month.

Or $670 for a year. You choose if you wanna do it monthly, you can cancel any time you want to or if you wanna do it for a full year at the price of 10 months. But be aware, if you’re a founding member price, it’s continuous. Like if you join and then you stop, you’ll revert back to the $97 a month, which you know is not the end of the world.

But be aware if you want the $67 a month price or you want the $670 price for a year, that’s a continuous membership just to be aware of it. But this price is only available in the month of May because,

Donna: And is that forever Dr. Sonia? As long as you’re a founding member and continue your membership, as long as continuous, you will always have this price?

Sonia: That’s because I feel like my Diamonds have been there for me, you know? They’ve been there from the start, they’ve been listening to my podcast, they’ve been coming to different things and they’ve been figuring out how they can work with me and I’m just gonna figure out how I can work with them and make it easier for everybody.

So as long as they’re continuous in their membership, that’s the price that they will be charged.

Donna: That’s a good year too.

Sonia: Yeah, that was, that was a good year. 66 was an even better one, but 67 wasn’t.

Donna: No, I’ve got you.

Sonia: So, bonus gift, having difficult conversation. It’s so important that we are able to talk and communicate, and women and people just in general have a hard time talking around sex. So I have a workbook for you, which is a bonus gift on having difficult conversations.

And another, and this is all for the founding members. Another bonus gift is the You Are Worthy workbook. The work, what we do is based on a fundamental belief that you are worthy. And it’s not something that is taught to women. It’s something we have to teach ourself or we have to figure it out from somewhere. Let us start from this concept and start with this workbook.

So you’re coming from a place of you being worthy already. So founding members actually start a month early. Most people like at the $97 rate, when that hits into effect, that starts July 1st.

But the founding members start in June. So you get a month additional, like you get to start a month early. So that’s pretty cool as well. So June 1st we start for the founding members. So anybody that purchases in the month of May, we’ll start June 1st, which is right around the corner. And it’s also like we’re doing these free sessions all through the month of May as well, just to make sure we’re providing value to you.

So, as I said, The Lit Clit Club, it’s like $500 a month of value or more with all these things that you here. I mean, it’s just, I said to myself, what can I give my Diamonds? I love my Diamonds. What can I give them? And this is what we all sat down, we got together, the whole team, and this is what we decided that our diamonds needed.

So we listened to you when you asked for it. And so we’re just making sure, you know, the founding member price, again is $67 a month, and that price is valid through the month of May. So you can either do $67 a month or you can do the full $610, excuse me, $670 for the full year. And this is the, the link, and I’ll put it also in the chat.

And yeah, so we are here for you. I’m so excited. I can’t even tell you how excited I am about this. And we already have people that have joined. I’m so excited. We have quite a few members that have already joined as the founding members, so it’s up and running. We’ve only been offering it for one day, so I’m like, yes, let’s do this.

This is just gonna get better and better. Okay. Very excited everybody. So that is the end of our session. Thank you for those of you that stayed a little late so we could talk to you a little bit more about Clit Club. If you have any questions, put it in the chat or just send us an email with the questions.

We definitely want you in the Clit Club and it’s so good to see all of you. All righty, have a great evening. Bye. Talk to you soon. Take care.

Hey Diamonds, have you heard the amazing news? Dr. Sonia, that would be me, and my team have created a sex coaching and life coaching monthly membership program called The Lit Clit Club. Yes, you heard it here first. The Lit Clit Club was made just for you for all of my Diamonds. It’s a safe place where women can come to create the life that they want. It’s a place where you get to talk openly about your sexual concerns and be heard. There’s no judgment here, no reprimand, no labels. Just acceptance, knowledge, freedom, love.

It’s a place where you get to ask all the questions you’ve ever wanted to ask about sex. You get to dream big and create your life your way, inside and outside of the bedroom. So come to the club for the sexual intimacy coaching and stay for the empowerment and the freedom. Do you have questions about libido, menopause, perimenopause, sexual health, relationships, sexual orientation, pleasure equality, orgasms, religion and intimacy? Wow, I need to take a breath because I’m not finished with this list yet.

Maybe you have questions on toys, BDSM, non-monogamy, self-love, healing from trauma, maybe embodiment and positive body image. Wait, one more breath. Perhaps you’re focused on creating the life of your dreams, journeying to your authentic self. Just stop people pleasing and me please instead. We have the answers and the coaching just for you. So click on the link below to find out more. We start June 1^st, 2023. Did you hear that May is Founding Member Month for all of my loyal Diamonds that have been with me on the sex coaching journey over the years? I want to say thank you.

So in the month of May 2023, you get to be a founding member at the founding member price of only $67 a month as long as you have continuous membership. That $67 a month is a substantial savings off the regular fee of $97 a month. Or you could sign up for one year. So you could sign up for 12 months, and that is only $670 instead of $970. So you get $300 off that. I want you with me. All of my Diamonds, I want you with me as a founding member.

This membership is for you. The Lit Clit Club is your place, your safe haven where you get to come and interact with me, get the coaching that you want, interact with my team. I have an amazing team and you’re going to be meeting them over the month of May and June but you also get to jump in and just click on the link below to find out all about The Lit Clit Club. So join The Lit Clit Club and rewrite your sexual story. Heck, you get to rework your entire life and make it exactly what you want.

So you get a new you in the bedroom and you get a new you outside the bedroom. Lit Clit Club is for you. We want you there. We are dedicated to doing this work with you and we’re going to have a hell of a lot of fun. So come join us. Can’t wait to see you inside the club. Love you, Diamonds.