Ep #37: Sex Acceptance

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast, episode 37.

Female Announcer: Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello Diamonds. This is Dr. Sonia back for more fun. I’m actually just getting back from Nashville, Tennessee. Yes, I was attending Corinne Crabtree’s weekend camp on self-sabotage. I have to tell you. It was totally amazing. I learned so much and I really enjoyed myself. If you don’t know who Corinne Crabtree is and the no BS weight loss program, then you have to check her out. We’ll be putting the links in the show notes for you.

Anyway. It was a wonderful trip, except for the fact that Nashville was basically the same temperature as Minnesota. I don’t know about you, but when you live up north and you travel down south you expect the weather to be warmer. Somehow, I feel like I missed out on something. I had all these plans to be at the pool like in 90 degree weather in my bikini relaxing, enjoying the sun. Soaking it all up. Instead it was a little cold. It was just a little bit too windy. Just a little bit cold. Not bad. You know like in the 60s and 70s, but it was a little too cold for the pool.

The good side is that I ended up getting a lot of sleep, and I ended up having a lot of time to think about things. One of the things that I realized was when I did my mindset series, you know that series where we talked about transitioning from sex intolerance all the way to sex abundance. I realized that I actually had missed a step in there. I kind of left out a step. I jumped straight from sex apathy to sex abundance, and that’s a really giant leap.

Then I realized that leap actually mirrors the work that I do in my group Own Your Sexuality Now. As we’re celebrating the one year anniversary of Own Your Sexuality Now, I wanted to talk to you more about this missing step. This step is what I’m calling sex acceptance.

As I said before, sex acceptance should be one of the steps that we include when we’re thinking about the sexual mindset journey. Or if you’re thinking about this journey as a metamorphosis or a transformation, then this metamorphosis would include the different stages of mindset. Which is stage one, sex intolerance. Stage two, sex apathy. Stage three would be sex acceptance. Then stage four would be sex abundance.

So what exactly is this missing step about? What is sex acceptance? Well, you know I like to go and look up definitions. So let’s just start with the definition. So Google says that acceptance is the action of consenting or receiving, or to undertake something offered. So when I think of sex acceptance, I think of consenting to receiving new thoughts around sex and sexuality. Also choosing to undertake this journey of exploration.

I kind of think of it like being in the wilderness and the jungle. You have a machete and you’re hacking away at all the thoughts that are not helpful for you. You’re getting to this place on this journey to get to the mecca, the island in the center. The sex abundance place, right.

So when I think about sex acceptance, it’s about introducing the idea that sex could be about pleasure, connection, and satisfaction. You know, the triad of sexual intimacy. The judgement, the shame, the embarrassment that was previously associated with sex intolerance and the indifference that’s associated with sex apathy, all of that gets resolved. It’s replaced with curiosity and eventually acceptance.

Women generally step into this stage when they’re ready to do the work of embracing their sexuality and beginning to consider that their sexuality could be something more, something beneficial in their life.

So what I’m asking my Diamonds in my Own Your Sexuality program and also the Diamonds that listen to my podcast and any diamond that encounters me in any place is to think of sex and sexual intimacy in a different way. In a way that benefits you. In a way that focuses on your pleasure. In a way that focuses on this triad of sexual intimacy, including the connection, the satisfaction, and the pleasure.

So sex acceptance is that vital step on the journey that takes us from sex apathy, where you’re just kind of functioning from a to do list place, to a place of sex abundance, where there’s joy and excitement and fun and connection and happiness in relation to sex and sexuality. So I think of sex acceptance as that pivotal part of the process because it’s a point in which your mind expands. Or you get to rewire your mind in order to look at sex and sexual intimacy differently.

Sex acceptance. Let’s just think about that. Sex acceptance. It’s about rethinking the old thoughts. Maybe your old thoughts are something like, “Ugh let’s get this over with. I’m really too tired for this. It’s going to take about 15 minutes. Let’s just make this happen, make this quick.” Or my favorite, “I can’t wait until I’m in my 60s when I don’t have to do this anymore.”

If you’re thinking any of these thoughts, then you’re missing out on so much. I just have to say I’m here to help. This is not going to happen on my watch. You are not missing out on so much fun and intimacy and connection and pleasure. Not on my watch sister.

So sex acceptance is about actively creating the sex life that you want. It’s about actively creating the sexual intimacy that you deserve. Sex acceptance requires that you dream. It requires that you go to your future. It requires that you’re curious. It requires that you envision a different future for yourself, one of fun, connection, intimacy, and of course lots of pleasure.

It’s a different kind of sexual intimacy than what you may be currently experiencing. If you’re not having all the pleasure, satisfaction, and connection that you want with yourself and/or with a partner, then it’s time to ease in to sex acceptance.

So how do we accomplish this sex acceptance? Well, the easiest thing that you could do is you could go buy my course Own Your Sexuality Now, and we could do the work together. If you want to be part of a community that works, if you want to work on it with other women that are exploring the same issue anonymously, and if you want a step by step guide in order to tap into the sexuality and to tap into this sex acceptance, then Own Your Sexuality Now is a program for you.

But I also know it’s something that can be started right now, right here listening to this podcast. If you’re a go-getter and you like to do things on your own, then let’s get to it now.

Okay. So the first step in getting to sex acceptance is to look at where you are right now. Look at what your thoughts are around your sexuality and decide if these thoughts are serving you and if you want to keep them. Maybe your thoughts look something like this. “I’m too old for sex to change. I just have to put up with it.” But if you listen to my recent interview with the Diamond Didi, then you know that this is a fallacy. You actually can choose to change your thoughts.

Maybe your thought is, “I’m not sexy enough. I don’t look sexy enough. I don’t feel sexy enough.” Remember, sexy is a mindset. So whatever it is that you think is not possible for you, question that thought and decide if it’s one that you want to keep. Question if it’s useful for you. Then decide if you want to keep it or if it’s time to let it go.

So the first thing is to look at where you are and what your thoughts are right now. The second step is to envision that sexual intimacy that you really want. Envision what it could look like in your future. I call that going to talk to your future self or your super self. You could even name her your sexy super self. Whatever makes you feel happy. I kind of like that. Sexy Super Self. Oh Sexy Super Self Sonia. It just gets better and better, right.

Have a conversation with her about the difficulties that you’re dealing with right now. Envision a time when it’s no longer a difficulty. Go to that place where you have already solved the intimacy issue and talk to your super self, your sexy super self, about what she did in order to resolve the issue. Ask her how she became more enthusiastic about sex. Write it down. Take notes.

Step three. This is all about imperfectly working your sex life. There’s no such thing as perfection. There’s only trying and trying again and being willing to fail all the way along the process to success. You’re going to be creating a blueprint that you got from your super self. You’re going to take that blueprint, and you’re going to start to implement it. Honestly, it’s not going to be pretty the first time you work on it, or the second, or the third time, right.

So whether you’re solo partnered or you have another partner, you’re going to need to have a conversation with yourself first and eventually with your partner about the fact that you’re going to be trying new things. Trying new things in the bedroom, trying new things outside of the bedroom, working on your thoughts, journaling to see what these thoughts are. You’re going to be having more open communication while you’re working on improving your sex life. So yeah. You might want to give yourself a heads up and give any partner as well a heads up.

Then you get to step four. Step four is focusing on how you want to feel when you go through this process of sex acceptance. Feelings are so important. It’s how we connect with ourself, but it’s also how we know we’re on the right track. We also know if our thoughts are in alignment with what we want to create.

So some feelings that you might want to feel during this process may be curiosity. Curiosity is one of my favorite feelings. So you may want to feel curious. You may want to feel amused, amusement. If you can kind of laugh at yourself while you’re trying things out, then it’s not too bad. Maybe the feeling of excitement. Or maybe the feeling of determination. You get to identify what feeling you want to think as you go through this process. What feeling do you think is going to help you continue to move forward in your exploration and the creation of your own unique sexual intimacy?

Now that you have the feeling that you want to use during the process, it’s time to go back and figure out the thoughts that were going on to be in alignment with all these feelings. So what thoughts are going to lead you to curiosity? What thoughts are going to lead you to amusement? What thoughts are going to lead you to determination? I should be specific. What thoughts in regard to your current situation will help you create the sexual intimacy of your dreams? What thoughts are going to help you get there?

So if you’re stuck in a place of sex apathy where sex is just a chore that you do on Tuesday nights. You think to yourself something like, “Thank God I don’t have to deal with this again for another week or two.” You might want to change your thought to something like, “Oh wow. I get to work on the sexual intimacy so I have a strong connection and relationship with myself and with my partner.”

Okay Diamonds. There you have it. Sex acceptance. The missing step. So if you want to dip your toe into the world of sex acceptance, then remember there’s four steps in the sex acceptance stage. So step one, look at where you are right now. Step two, go visit your super self in the future. Your sexy super self. Find out what she’s experiencing. She’s probably a lucky bitch. She’s probably having a really good time. You can have that. You can access that too. It is within you.

Step three, come back to the present and figure out the feelings that you want to be feeling as you go through this process. Step four, as always, is work on your thoughts and come up with alternate thoughts that are going to help you on this journey to sex acceptance.

Remember, it’s really a transformation. Sex intolerance to sex apathy to sex acceptance and to sex abundance. If you need to look and figure out and remind yourself about what sex intolerance is and sex apathy is, and even sex abundance, go back to my prior podcast episodes and listen in to those.

Okay Diamonds, that’s all for this week. As always, I’m here for you in any way you need. Own Your Sexuality Now is open and ready for you to start at any time. Just check out the link in the show notes and see what’s going on in the Own Your Sexuality Now course. I can’t wait to see you. Take care. Dr. Sonia out.

Diamonds, do you feel like you’re missing out on passionate intimacy and amazing pleasure even though your life looks fabulous to everybody else? Or maybe you feel like sex is just an obligation on your to do list right after taking out the trash. Perhaps you would love to get rid of this story that plays again and again in your mind that sex is shameful. Or maybe you just want to want to want sex again.

Well, Diamonds, let me tell you the time has come. My Own Your Sexuality Now 90 day program to greater intimacy and pleasure in your life is open to enrollment. In fact, I’ve actually reorganized the structure of Own Your Sexuality Now so that you can join at any time. You don’t have to wait for three month increments anymore.

Just think. You can talk to me weekly and get all your coaching needs met in my anonymous weekly group coaching calls. We have so much fun with these calls, and we get the work done. Best of all, you get a community of other women that are dealing with similar issues. You get to know that you are not alone.

So this amazing program, Own Your Sexuality Now, includes 12 self-paced modules that lead you on a journey to create the sexual intimacy of your dreams. You start from exploring concepts of you as a sexual being, and then you progress all the way to the point where you’re creating a pleasure plan. A unique pleasure plan for you that ensures that you get the pleasure and the sexual intimacy that you deserve.

And I’m so excited about this. And as a special bonus, Own Your Sexuality Now is going to include an additional three months of weekly group coaching calls and support from me Dr. Sonia. So click on the link below, Diamonds, or visit my website www.soniawrightmd.com to find out more about Own Your Sexuality Now and to join. I can’t wait to see you all. All right Diamonds, that’s it for me. Dr. Sonia out.