Ep #24: Sex Abundance

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast, episode 24.

Female Announcer: Welcome to the Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello Diamonds. I hope you’re all doing well. Let me tell you, we are in the middle of an arctic freeze up here in Minnesota. I have to say we’ve been pretty spoiled this winter in terms of the weather. I really don’t have anything to complain about. The weather has not been that cold. Most of the winter has been in the 20s which is kind of unheard of for Minnesota. But today it is negative 8 degrees Fahrenheit outside. And if I factor in the wind chill factor then it’s at least negative 18 degrees out there.

It’s that time of year where I start dreaming of Florida, or Texas, or somewhere warm. And I start asking myself, seriously, why do you live in this state? I start thinking of becoming a snow bird and leaving Minnesota for the winter. And you know what? That actually is possible. I’m in the middle of transitioning out of my full-time radiology job into full-time coaching.

And I’m realizing that I actually have the option to work from anywhere that I want to. And it’s opening up all possibilities for me. It’s making me realize how really abundant, how truly abundant life can be. And it’s funny because abundance is something that’s been on my mind recently. Actually it’s been on my mind for about the last year. I spent most of the last year rewiring my brain from scarcity to abundance. And let me tell you, it really is still a working progress.

There is a part of our brain which is wired to look for the danger all the time, and to look for scarcity in every situation. And that part of my brain is what I call the primitive brain. I really want to be intentional around creating thoughts about abundance instead of scarcity. And I realize that my brain was often telling itself a story about not having enough, not having enough of something, whatever it was, money, or food, or joy, or whatever, I was going to run out.

But I realized that I actually have a choice. And I have a choice in terms of what I choose to believe. And then I realized that what I believe is really ultimately what I manifest. And manifest is my word for this year. So I’m focusing on abundance, and manifesting, and belief. I’m always focused on beliefs. So my choice basically was do I want to focus on abundance or do I want to focus on scarcity? But if I put my focus on scarcity then I had to realize that I would be manifesting lack.

And if I’m looking at the feelings that are associated with scarcity then I’m probably going to be feeling a lot of fear. And I decided that’s not what I wanted. I really had to ask myself do I want my life to be one of lack and fear, is that what I want to be as an example for my Diamonds? Or do I want to make another choice? Do I want to figure out how to live and believe in abundance? I figured if I could choose abundance then I knew I would also be choosing joy. And I’d also be choosing abundance not only for myself but also for my Diamonds.

And you know Diamonds you know how much I love you, that everything I do around my work I focus on how it’s going to impact you. And what kind of results am I going to have in my life but also what kind of results are you going to have in your life based on the work and the choices that I’m making. So if I show up from a place of abundance then I’m going to be in a better position to serve my Diamonds. I’m going to choose to be all in from a place of abundance as opposed to choosing limitation, self-preservation and safety, which it would be what I was choosing if I chose scarcity.

So abundance is defined as a state or condition of having copious amounts of something. I like that word ‘copious’, plentiful-ness, large amounts of good things in life. I kind of like that, I like abundance. And that’s why I’m being drawn to it, large amounts of good things in life. I like it already. And scarcity is defined as limited or something that’s in short supply. There is a finite amount of a resource, that’s kind of the underlying concept with scarcity.

And then there’s also this concept that resources are limited but the want, the need for the resources is actually high. So there’s a disparity between the supply and the desire for that supply. And I had to ask myself, how did I want to show up and be an example? I asked myself how would I like my Diamonds to show up and express their sexuality? Do I want them to express it from a place of abundance or from a place of scarcity?

If I’m focused on scarcity then I’m going to be teaching about scarcity, even if I’m not overtly talking about scarcity I’m going to be coming from a position of scarcity. And that’s going to affect my Diamonds. I wanted to come from a place of abundance for my Diamonds. So I decided to choose abundance for myself and for you, for all of my Diamonds.

So if abundance is defined as having large amounts of something, of plentiful-ness, then what does abundance in sexuality look like for my Diamonds? This was my next question that I had. What does sexuality in abundance look like for you? What does sexual abundance look like? Or if I wanted to even shorten it more then I’d call it sex abundance.

And I mentioned a little bit before about sex abundance in my last episode and how that can be tied to self-confidence and sex confidence and how sex confidence leads to sex abundance. But what exactly is sex abundance? That’s a good question. So I like to think of sex abundance as being in the flow, being in a flow state, where you’ve tapped into your sexuality and you’re just open with it. You’re not trying to limit it or shut it down. You’re not feeling afraid of it for some reason. You’re relaxing into the state of sexuality.

You’re basically in alignment with your sexuality, you’re comfortable with your sexuality and you’re comfortable expressing that sexuality. It’s kind of like you’re floating in a sea of sexuality. You’re kind of relaxed and you’re enjoying the state. And we actually can usually tap into sex abundance for short periods of time. It’s kind of like that relaxed, happy joyous feeling that we have usually during or after an enjoyable sexual experience. The oxytocin is flowing, you’re floating, you’re happy, you’re connected with yourself or maybe you’re connected with a partner.

But what if that state was available for you all the time at will, whenever you wanted to tap into that sexual abundance, into that sex abundance? Well, let me tell you that it is available any time for you because sex abundance is actually a choice.

Let’s think back to a time when you had mind blowing sex in your life. If you’ve ever had mind blowing sex you know what I’m talking about. And you can immediately go back to that place. You probably labeled that partner as a good sex partner and decided that your good sexual experience was based on your lover’s skills.

But I want you to see that it’s not necessarily about the lover as much as it is about the fact that your mind and your body had set up that experience to be amazing. You believed that it was going to be a fantastic experience and it actually was a fantastic experience. So basically you tapped into your sex abundance and you gave yourself permission to be free and to enjoy yourself. You basically allowed your sex abundance to flow in you and through you, and for you to experience that mind blowing sex. You basically believed that it would happen and it did happen that way.

You believed that your partner was a great lover but in order to experience that mind blowing sex you also had to believe that you were a great lover. This is where that sex confidence that I talked about before comes in. And then you also believe that you deserve to experience this incredible sex. So you deserve to experience sex abundance. So, congratulations, you were actually in sex abundance at that time.

So when you think of sex abundance you can think of that experience, what it felt like, the sensations that you felt when you were in a place of that mind blowing sex experience.

Or maybe another time when you unwittingly tapped into your sex abundance is when you’re tipsy. Now, I’m not advocating that everybody go out and get drunk and have sex. That’s not what I’m advocating. I want to be pretty clear about that. But think back to a time when you might have had a couple of drinks and you felt like you were more in a flow state. That’s when you were tapping into your sexuality. People started looking more attractive to you. You relaxed your guard. You kind of went with the flow.

Basically what I’m suggesting is that if you ever experience this situation then to go back to that experience, go back and figure out what led to you being more interested in sex. What that felt like when you let your guard down, what it felt like to be in the flow. And that is your place of sex abundance. And you can actually get there without the alcohol.

So another example might be during your time of the month. If you’re still having your period and you know the time that I’m talking about, that time around ovulation when you’re suddenly horny, when suddenly you partner, if you have one, looks much more attractive to you. Suddenly their annoying habits don’t matter anymore, you’re just in the mood and you’ve tapped into that place. Yes, there is a hormonal component, but there’s also the fact that you’re like it’s my time of the month. And you’ve given yourself permission to be horny and to be sexual.

And let’s not underestimate the power of permission when it comes to sexuality. I love that, the power of permission. It just sounds so good, the power of sexual permission. I like that. So when you give yourself permission to tap into your sexuality it’s closely tied to an underlying belief that sexuality is a normal part of your life and that it should be experienced. It’s a normal part of being a woman. It’s a normal part of having the human experience. So you can give yourself permission to tap into your sexual abundance and to express yourself.

Sexual abundance is also about releasing ideas around sex that may be limiting you or no longer serving you. And adopting new ideas that allow you to enjoy and express your sexuality. You get to decide what it is that you want to think about sexuality in general and specifically as you as a sexual being. You can think of sexuality as something that’s good, and natural, and enjoyable.

Or you could retain your old thoughts, the old thoughts that said that sex was shameful, or there is something bad about sex, or that sex was just for the bad girls. And you know what? If sex is just for the bad girls, you get to decide if you want to join the bad girl club. Let’s face it, it’s really a lot more fun over here, come join us, come be a bad girl. And realize that there actually is no such thing as a good girl or a bad girl. There’s just girls having fun. But let me tell you, it’s a lot of fun over here.

So sex abundance, it’s about allowing yourself to be sexual. It’s about owning your sexuality. It’s about giving yourself permission, giving yourself permission to be in that flow state and to tap into that sexuality. It’s also about incorporating the sexuality into your personality and into your identity. It’s about accepting the fact that you are a sexual being and that that is a normal thing. Yeah, I’m going to say it again, you are actually a sexual being.

You may not think of yourself as a sexual being but we’re all born and not all, because there are some asexual people and I definitely want to honor the fact that there are asexual and demisexual people. But the majority of people are sexual beings. So there’s nothing wrong with their sexuality. It’s meant to be expressed.

And obviously you decide where, when and how you want to express your sexuality. But I’m just saying you don’t have to keep it stifled and contained into a small box, that you compartmentalize and push off to the side and every once in a while you give yourself permission to kind of open it.

Like this concept of Pandora’s box that you sometimes get to open it. You actually could incorporate that into who you are as a being. And that it can be a normal part of your life. And it actually helps you to be more in alignment with who you are and to express yourself, to express your authentic self. And incorporate your sexuality into who you are.

And finally I just want to talk about the fact that sex abundance is available to you any time, whenever you want to tap into it. It’s actually always there waiting for you to unlock. And there does not need to be any fear or scarcity around sexuality. You basically have everything you need right now to be abundantly sexual, yeah, right now. You get to believe that you’re abundantly sexual and that it is your natural state. You get to give yourself permission to explore your sexuality.

You get to spend more time relaxing and tapping into this flow state without the aid of hormones, without the aid of alcohol. It’s basically giving yourself permission to tap into it, believing you can tap into it. Try this, try sitting still for a few minutes. And I know that it’s hard for us to sit still for a few minutes. But try relaxing, stop whatever you’re doing, sit still for a few minutes and try to breathe into it. Try to breathe into your sexuality. Breath work is an amazing thing. And it actually helps you tap into your sexuality.  Try breathing and relaxing into your sexuality.

Try doing a body scan. When we talk about body scans for relaxation we talk about starting at your feet, your toes and then slowly moving up to your ankles and feeling the tension in your calf and your thighs and kind of relaxing that. And then magically somehow we just jump from our thighs to our bellybutton. And then we talk about going into our chest and breathing, and in our shoulders and relaxing, and in our neck, in our head. And we talk about breath work and relaxation.

But if you’re doing a body scan and you’re stopping at your thighs and jumping to your bellybutton you’re missing an essential part of your body which is your pelvis, your vulva, and that needs to be recognized too. There needs to be relaxation there. There needs to be an awareness of that part of our body. And also our breasts, and any other erotic zones of our body, we get to tap into all that. We get to breathe into it. We get to relax. And we get to use that body scan and the breath work to help us tap into our sex abundance and to help us to be able to flow in and out of that state.

So try it some time. Actually spend some time when you’re doing a body scan and you’re relaxing, spend some time actually recognizing what your clitoris and your vulva is feeling like. And recognizing if there’s any tension in your pelvis and relaxing that tension, just like if there’s tension in your shoulder, you’re relaxing that. If there’s tension in your pelvis you get to relax that as well. Try relaxing into your sexuality. Try releasing all that tension and just allowing that sex abundance to flow through you.

Okay Diamonds, so that’s it, it’s about deciding, deciding that sexual abundance does exist for you. It’s about believing, believing that you’re a sexual being. It’s about acceptance, acceptance that sexuality is a normal part of ourselves. It’s about giving yourself permission, permission to tap into that sexuality. It’s about relaxation, and breath, and breathing into all the erotic and sensual places in our body. It’s about tapping into all aspects of your sex abundance. It’s about giving yourself permission and giving yourself the gift of sex abundance.

Okay Diamonds, you’ve got this, alright, until next time, Dr. Sonia out. Go and enjoy your sex abundance.

Female Announcer: Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of the Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast. If you enjoy Dr. Sonia’s fun and caring approach to sexual intimacy, head to soniawrightmd.com to learn more.