The majority of my Diamonds come to me telling me they’re not interested in sex the way they used to be. As their interest in sex starts dwindling, engaging in “to-do list sex” increases. Sex becomes more of a duty; something you put on your list of thing to do right after you take out the trash.
The issue here is that women think it’s their duty as a wife or partner to take one for the team. You might even feel satisfied after, not because of the pleasure, intimacy, and connection, but because it’s done and dusted for another week. It gets me wondering, what if we stopped deferring other people’s wants and needs above our own, and how can it be reversed
Listen in this week as I show you the real reason your libido seems to have gone into hiding, and how to start approaching yourself from a place of honoring your wants and needs. I’m also offering some questions to help you both identify your ideal experience of sexual intimacy, as well as what you want your overall life to look like.
You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast episode 92.
Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.
Hello, hello, hello, hello Diamonds. How are you? This week is an amazing week for me. I am actually in California as I’m recording this podcast introduction. And my son, Julian, is graduating from Stanford University this week. It’s a proud mama week, I have to say. He finished up his undergraduate and his graduate degree in about four and a half years. And he is going to be graduating this year with a degree, a Bachelor’s of Science Degree in biology with honors.
And also, his research project is pretty amazing. It’s on birds. He loves birds. So, it has to do with birds, and bird habitats, and how things have changed in this area over the last 50 years. And he also was able to finish his master’s degree as well. So, I am out here in California just spending some time being mom and I’ve got both my kids with me. And time is just pretty fantastic for me. And I have also been thinking about revisiting an episode, episode 33 which is called un-doctrination: The Rise of the Wise One.
And the reason for this is because several of my private clients, I am currently coaching around the same subject in the same area of their partners requesting sex two and three times a day and if they don’t get their requests met, they’re kind of pouting. Or they are upset because the Diamond is out pursuing some of their own interests. And so, I see this theme that’s occurring that if the Diamonds are not specifically doing what their partners want them to do there’s a lot of pouting going on. There’s a lot of kind of tantrums going on.
And it reminded me of this episode and how I talk about what to do with a partner that’s having these insecurities and these problems. We can’t control our partner’s actions and reactions but we can allow them to have these reactions and then have a discussion about it. And so, I wanted to revisit episode 33 because I talk about that. And right now, it seems like quite a few of my Diamonds, and I’m quite sure people who are listening to this podcast right now may be dealing with the same issue.
And usually, tantrums really are about insecurities and it’s tapping into – I call it a tantrum but usually it’s some sort of not talking to your partner, not talking to you, or withholding affection or being really crabby or whatever it is. They’re entitled to their actions, we’re not specifically changing the actions but sometimes it would be good to look at what’s going on behind these actions and see, often it’s tapping into some major insecurity where they feel like they’re not loved, or they’re not listened to, or whatever it is, it’s coming up.
And so, the question becomes, how do you deal with it and live your life? How do you deal with it and do what it is that you want to do without having to be in a relationship with somebody that is essentially trying to get you to do something by withholding affection or controlling you in some way? So, let’s look a little bit more at this episode because I think that it answers a lot. And I will be talking to you all next week. Have a great week, Diamonds. I love you a lot. Take care, bye bye.
Today I wanted to talk to you about something that has been on my mind. And it’s specifically around the issue of to-do list sex. I have to say that the majority of my Diamonds come to me and they’re telling me that they’re not interested in sex the way they used to be. And that their libido has decreased or that it’s gone altogether like it was enrolled in a witness protection program without the Diamond’s knowledge and just disappeared. So as their interest in sex is decreasing then they start to engage in to-do list sex.
And you know when I talked about before when I said to-do list sex. It’s when it becomes more of a duty, you put it on your list of things to do right after taking out the trash. And you get it done but you’re not really interested in engaging in sexual intimacy. This sex usually takes about 10 to 15 minutes tops and the women are satisfied but not because of pleasure. They’re satisfied because of efficiency. They’re satisfied because they don’t have to engage in sexual intimacy for another week, another month or maybe even another year.
Maybe it was the to-do list birthday sexual intimacy and they got that over with and they don’t have to worry about it again till next year. And you know what? There are so many issues that make me scream in this scenario. I just want to be like, “Ah.” But I try to stay calm. But for me I think the top issue is that women think it’s their duty as a woman or as a wife, a partner to take one for the team. And yes, there was a time in history when women had little power or ownership over her body. She had little power or ownership over her body in marriage.
And there was a time where a husband had conjugal rights and sex was considered a woman’s duty but that was hundreds of years ago or is it? This concept of sex as a duty I really think is alive and well right now today. My Diamonds tell me again and again that their partners will get mad, their partners will get upset. There’s going to be a lot of whining and complaining. And eventually it’s going to lead to arguments and it’s just easier for them to give in and have sex.
And I remind them that if a child is throwing a tantrum because they can’t have a cookie it doesn’t mean that you give them the cookie. That giving them the cookie it just simply reinforces the behavior. Instead, you discuss the behavior and you come up with a plan that’s mutually satisfying for everybody involved. But when we’re talking about women, and sex, and relationships we have been indoctrinated to believe that it’s our duty to have sex when our partners demand it. Women have no or little interest in their own wants and their own needs.
Our minds and bodies are screaming that it’s not the right time for sex. That they’re not interested in it at this moment but we ignore all those messages. And sometimes our body’s screaming out so much that it leads to pain at some point in time. And then we still ignore the pain. What would we learn if we took the time to listen and see what it is that our minds and our bodies are saying to us? Maybe it’s simply saying that they want more connection first. Maybe they want more cuddling, more chores. Not chores, I should say like chore play.
It would be interesting to slow down and find out what we need. But instead, women preferentially defer to other people’s wants and needs above their own. And it got me wondering first of all, why is that we are not putting our own wants and needs above other people’s wants and needs? And how can this be reversed? How can women learn to put themselves first? How can we learn to prioritize ourselves and our own needs? What would that look like to honor ourselves? What would it look like to honor ourselves around the issue of sex and sexuality?
I definitely believe that sex would be so much more fun and I want that for all my Diamonds, to really enjoy themselves and to have a good time with sex. Hopefully sexual intimacy would involve Dr. Sonia’s triad of sexual intimacy which includes pleasure, satisfaction and connection with yourself and with other people. Finding that pleasure, that satisfaction and that connection it’s really essential for enjoying sexual intimacy. And it’s usually not obtained from a place of to-do list sex.
And then you wonder why your libido has gone missing, why it’s in hiding, why it’s in that witness protection program. Look at the situation and you’ll know why your libido’s gone missing. Yes, yes, I acknowledge that part of it is hormonal. But part of it is the life that you’re living and what the messages your body and your mind is trying to tell you. I really would prefer that my clients come from a place of honoring themselves. So, I ask you again, what does it look like to honor yourself, to honor your needs around sexual intimacy? Yes, yes, I actually do have an agenda as a coach.
A lot of people say you shouldn’t have an agenda but I do have an agenda. I have an agenda for my clients to honor their wants and for my clients to get to a place where they’re enjoying that sexual intimacy for themselves with whatever reason resonates with them. So, if a person’s engaging in to-do list sex and not honoring themselves this is like a breeding ground for resentment. Connection cannot grow in a place where there’s resentment just below the surface. This resentment develops because overall you’re not honoring yourself.
You’re not honoring your partner and you’re not honoring your relationship. And that relationship could be with your partner or that relationship could be with yourself. But ultimately this dishonoring is not going to lead to positive sexual intimacy outcomes. So, I ask again, what does it look like to honor yourself? And this gets back to that un-doctrination process that we started talking about last week. It requires that we identify our needs. We need to pause and listen to our mind and our body. If it’s not so easy to figure out our needs, don’t panic.
Just remember that women have been suppressing their needs for so long that it could feel like a blank when we finally start asking ourselves what we want. Just take the time to write your thoughts down to kind of journal on it, to ask yourself what you would like your sexual intimacy to look like. Would there be more cuddling? Would there be more foreplay? Would there be make out sessions that don’t necessarily lead to penetrative sex? You get to decide what you want your sexual intimacy to be like.
Also ask yourself what would you like your overall life to be? Do you want it to have more connection, more communication? Do you want solo vacations? Have you ever tried a solo vacation? Diamonds, I’m telling you, it is heaven. It doesn’t have to be long but it’s really heaven to take a break by yourself and just go somewhere. Maybe it’s getting more education. Maybe it’s living in another country for a while. Basically, you get to create the life of your dreams. And if you’re still drawing a blank, don’t worry, just go to the future.
Go to that place where it’s all done, where you’re living the life of your dreams, where you’re living your best life. What does that look like? And most importantly what does that feel like? Because very often our emotions are what is going to allow us to tap into what we really want, so whatever situation that we’re experiencing basically we want a certain situation because we want to feel a certain way. For example, we go on vacation because we want to feel peace and relaxation. We engage in relationships because we want to feel love and connection.
We exercise and eat right because we want to feel this general wellbeing. So, whatever it is that we are engaging in, it’s because we want to feel a certain way. So sometimes it’s a matter of going back to the way it feels to figure out what it is that you want in your life. Just feel what it’s like when you’re living your best life, the life of your dreams. What it feels like when you’re honoring your feelings and then go ahead and create that life.
Whatever your needs are you get to acknowledge those needs and you deserve to have those needs met because you really only have one life, Diamonds, and it’s meant to be lived. Like we mentioned last week all it requires is you giving up the fairytale and no longer expecting someone else to meet your needs. We’re all full grown women and it’s time to honor ourselves. The world is not going to end if we decide to meet our own needs. If we decide to honor ourselves and show up in this world as your authentic self the world is not going to fall apart suddenly.
In fact, when you show up in this world authentically you’re happier, you’re more engaged, you’re loving life. And you’re also loving your sexual intimacy. And that sexual intimacy changes for everybody involved. It’s not just changing for you. It’s changing for your partners as well. But what is required is for you to show up as yourself. What is required is for you to show up and be selfish. Yes, I said it, I said that dreaded word, my goodness, I said selfish. And we talked about this a little bit previously. What’s wrong with being selfish?
Everyone should be selfish. It’s not selfish for children to ask for their needs to be met. And generally, it’s not considered selfish for men to ask for what their needs are and to have their needs met. So why is it considered selfish for women to get their needs met, especially their sexual needs? We’re all human beings. And human beings have rights and we have needs. And we get to meet those needs, general life needs and sexual needs. But we kind of need a guide to help us figure out our goals and our sexual needs. We need someone who has our back no matter what.
We need someone who has our best interest at heart. And we need someone who is not afraid to fight for us. And that someone is our inner selfish bitch. Yeah, I’m bringing out all the words, selfish, bitch, here we go, we’re talking. We’re talking about this. Yes, I’m using the word ‘bitch’ because it’s a word that is used as a weapon to control women. It’s a word that’s used to stop women from listening to their own needs. All you have to do is threaten women with the word ‘bitch’ and we go back to being selfless again.
But what exactly is a bitch? My definition of a bitch is simply a woman who is advocating for herself. If you look at any situation where a woman is called a bitch and you just look at what’s happening, you’ll see she’s just advocating for herself. She’s just putting her needs above the needs of other people. What is wrong with that? So, I am very clear that I’m reclaiming the word ‘bitch’. And you can reclaim the word ‘bitch’ too. You can use that word or you can use a phrase like empowered wise one.
In my mind it has the exact same meaning. Bitch, empowered wise one, you get to choose. But I’m going to reclaim the word ‘bitch’ and I am taking control away from the ones that are using the word. My empowered wise one is on the rise. My selfish bitch is coming out. And she’s advocating for me. She’s prioritizing my needs and she’s the one asking for more pleasure in the bedroom. She is the one that’s making sure I bring my vibrator to the bed, no questions. She is the one taking time for me. My inner selfish bitch is a badass and so is yours. And you should get to know her.
What would your inner selfish bitch claim for you, Diamonds? What would she want for you? Maybe it’s more sleep. Maybe it’s a pay raise. Maybe it’s more cuddling. Maybe it’s less grabbing. Maybe it’s more chore play. You get to ask your inner selfish bitch. I bet she has the answers. I would sit down and interview her. I know she has the answers. And she has the ability to heal your soul and your life. She is going to teach you how to have your own back.
Diamonds let me tell you, you have all the answers. And they’re stacked high like a pile of gold. And your inner bitch is sitting on the throne next to your pile of gold. She’s sitting next to your fortune and she’s sitting next to your future. And she’ll help you heal your life. And believe it or not you’re not going to self-combust. You will not self-combust when you’re meeting your own needs. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. You’re going to shine more brightly than a diamond. You’re going to shine like your true self and you’re going to become an example for others on the same journey.
So, let’s continue that journey of un-doctrination. Let’s shine so bright like the diamonds that we are. Let’s discover our inner selfish bitch. Let’s meet our own needs. Let’s live our own life. Let’s be examples for others. It’s time to let go of that fairytale. It’s time to embrace your life. It’s time to embrace your inner bitch.
Okay Diamonds, that’s all I have for you today. I’ll see you next week. Lots of love, Dr. Sonia is out.
Hey Diamonds, do you want to reignite the passion that’s gone missing from your life? Do you want to want to want it again? You know I’m on a mission to end the emotional pain and isolation that women experience associated with sexual difficulties. And many of you also know that I was once in that place where I was experiencing little to no sexual intimacy in my life. And I kept thinking that there was something that was wrong with me, that I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t attractive enough. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t smart enough to fix this problem.
And I was worried all the time that my relationship was too far gone because of this lack of intimacy. Well, you know what? I was right about one thing. The relationship didn’t last. But even though the relationship didn’t last I committed to doing the work that I needed to do to own my sexuality. And now I have this amazing sex life and it’s everything that I wanted it to be. And I’m also committed to helping my Diamonds by teaching them the same strategies that I figured out in order to revitalize the intimacy in their life.
So, if you want to stop feeling broken, if you want to stop feeling shame and guilt about sexuality, if you want to feel more comfortable with your sexuality and tap into that pleasure then I’m here for you Diamonds. First of all, know that there’s nothing that’s gone wrong with you. You’re not broken. And you know what? You can solve your intimacy issues. You can let go of that shame and guilt, and you can tap into that passionate person that’s just waiting to come out.
Let’s get on a strategy call together. And let’s discuss how we can work together and how I can help you. And know that a strategy call, it’s like a 100% a safe place, there’s no judgment. We’ll talk about your intimacy situation which is what’s going on right now. We’re also going to talk about your intimacy goals, what you would like your intimacy to look like in the future. And then we’ll talk about how we could possibly work together to come up with a personalized strategy plan for you so you can get the results that you need.
So, Diamonds, I’m here for you. Don’t wait another minute, book that consultation call with me today. And I can’t wait to talk to you. You can get that consultation call by going to soniawrightmd.as.me and the link is also in the show notes. Okay, have a great day. I can’t wait to talk to you. Take care.