Ep #98: Releasing the Pleasure Blocks

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, episode 98.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello Diamonds. It is so good to be back. It is so good to be here with you. Alright, so it’s three in the morning. I am in a hotel doing some radiology work because I love being a pediatric radiologist as well and so I do both things. I am a life coach, and a sex coach, and a pediatric radiologist and I love my life. And I’m in such a good mood because I am back from a much needed break. I let my brain rest and it was so good. I didn’t answer any emails. I didn’t do any of life’s shoulds. I can’t tell you how nice it was.

It was like my first real vacation in four years juggling two businesses or juggling radiology as well as juggling my coaching business. I was down in Florida, I sat by the pool. I had café dates with my partner, I ordered in food. I didn’t cook anything. I just cleared off all the responsibilities on my plate for a while. You know what? I’ve never done that before. It was so good for my brain. Looking back, I realized that this time was my time of celebration. A child was launched into the world and I decided I could take some time for myself.

Yes, my son was Jules he graduated in June from Stanford with his bachelor’s and his master’s degree. And I think I finally just gave myself permission to relax. I find this very interesting because I’m always talking to you Diamonds about taking time for yourself, being good to yourself but here I was putting my pleasure on hold because I was focusing on another person, on my child. It made me wonder, where do these ideas of motherly sacrifice come from?

Of course, if I ask Jules he would say, “Mom, have fun, enjoy yourself. You don’t have to wait until I graduate to enjoy yourself.” So, this is really self-imposed. It’s based upon some antiquated notion that a good mother sacrifices all for her kids and made me think, what else does the patriarchal society dictate for women? We’re taught from a young age that a good woman foregoes her pleasures for others. She is selfless. Her value in this world is tied to sacrifice her own needs for others.

A good woman sacrifices for her partner and for her family. She sacrifices time, and money, and her own needs, including her own pleasure. The interesting thing about pleasure is that it actually takes many different forms. Pleasure is a feeling of happiness, of joy and sensation, a feeling of satisfaction. And as a sex coach I’m often talking about sexual pleasure but it really can be any form of pleasure. You can feel pleasure from grass under your toes.

You can feel pleasure from a hot bath, from a midday nap, pleasure from holding a baby, pleasure from dancing and moving your body. There are, oh, so many different types of pleasure. But one thing that I have found is that the right to enjoy pleasure is not gender neutral. I can talk to women all day about the right to equal pleasure and that they have as much right to equal sexual pleasure as their partner and they agree. They agree with me, they say very logically that their pleasure is equally as important as their partner’s pleasure and specifically if their partner is a male partner.

But then there’s this blockage in their mind in their ability to go from theoretical to practice. And the more I do this work I’m finding that even though it’s logical it has been so ingrained in women not to focus on their pleasure, that they can’t really and truly conceptualize and put into practice prioritizing their pleasure in a relationship. So, in my Own Your Sexuality Now course I actually have the women chant. I have them chant, I am entitled to equal pleasure. And we chant it again, and again, and again.

And at the beginning they’re very timid. And I think they’re hoping that it will end soon, but I persist and I make them chant the phrase at least 10 times. By the tenth time they’re saying the phrase loud and proud. They’re smiling and laughing and they’re bold, and they’re yelling. They’re yelling, I’m entitled to equal pleasure and I love it. It’s one of my favorite parts of the course. It is a major accomplishment just to say the words out loud. I see the freedom, I see the joy. They stop holding their breath. They stop holding their breath like the pleasure police is going to come and get them.

They get lighter like a weight has been lifted off their shoulders and they’re connecting with other women in the group. So, I’m going to suggest that you do this with me right now. Say it, I am entitled to equal pleasure. My sexual pleasure is as important as my partner’s. I am entitled to equal pleasure. I am entitled to equal pleasure. Keep chanting it and see what comes up for you. Say it loud and say it proud.

Okay, once you have established that your pleasure is important then what? What do you do next? I used to focus on helping women to initiate and to ask for their pleasure needs to be met. Women would often tell me, “It’s difficult to get the words out.” So, I’m like, okay, let’s practice it together. It’s difficult to say the words, let’s practice it together right here and then you can go and talk to your partner about it. Of course, since I’m a life coach I’m also looking at what their thoughts are that makes it difficult.

So, we practice and we coach on the thoughts behind it and then we’re also practicing just getting the words out. I say to them, “Tell me what you want to say to your partner.” And this is where really started to understand the origins of the pleasure gap. They can’t formulate the words because they don’t have an idea of what they actually want in bed. They have been relying on their partner to tell them what they want.

And you know what? My hat goes off to all the partners out there that are trying to figure it out, trying to give their partner pleasure and they’re not getting much feedback here. The partners, you guys, you women, you people, you all, you all are doing your best given this lack of information that’s coming to you from women.

Sometimes I imagine the partners approach to women’s bodies is the way that we used to approach the old TV antennas. Remember, back in the day when there was a TV antenna that would stick out of the back of the TV and you’d go over to the TV antenna and you kind of move it around and you’d look at the picture to see if what you’re doing is making a difference. It’s kind of like that. So, the reception on the TV wasn’t good. You’d move the antenna around, you’d put it in different positions, you’d look at the screen to determine if the picture on the screen was any better.

And that’s what it’s like for some of our partners, they rub here, they poke there, they tweak this and they hope that they’re doing something right but they don’t exactly know because they’re not getting much response from you. How much better would sex be if we would give them a clue as to what we actually want? Instead of taking what we get and staying silent and hoping for something different we actually tell them what we want. I know it’s a new concept and it’s crazy.

But I’m like, let’s give this a try. And what if we could reframe this all? What if we could think of our asking for pleasure as a way to improve and to enhance our relationship? The communication would get better overall, the connection would improve. The sex would probably be more frequent and more enjoyable as well. There’s so many good reasons to start asking for our pleasure needs to be met. But right now, there’s old messages playing in our heads about asking for our sexual pleasure.

My Diamonds tell me about the thoughts in their heads and let me tell you, there’s a lot of self-judgment in there, a lot of slut shaming, a lot of concepts of what good girls are like and what bad girls are and can they ask for what they want? It just comes out of the woodworks these thoughts, thoughts that you might not even be aware are still there. And of course, I ask, what the heck is a good girl anyway? And of course, who wants to be a good girl?

Okay, this is a thought that I’ve had in my head since I was a young girl, maybe I’m a little different but I could never understand why anyone wanted to be a good girl. It really didn’t look like much fun. The prize was supposedly that you grow up, you get married and you live happily ever after. But I remember being about eight years old thinking that this marriage thing did not quite look like a great deal for women. A good woman was expected to cook, and clean, and work, and take care of the kids, and fall into sleep exhausted just to get up and do it again the next day.

I grew up in the 70s so this is what I was seeing, luckily and hopefully things have improved for women and we’re saying there needs to be equal distribution of chores in the household and things like that. But when I look and I see what you are supposed to get, this marriage thing just didn’t seem like a good idea. And I remember thinking to myself at eight years old, no, thank you. No, thank you, I’m good. So, along the same lines, no, no, thank you. You can keep your stupid rules. You can keep your slut shaming to yourself.

I am happy with getting rid of these thoughts and ideas. But this concept that women are not entitled to pleasure is so insidious, it’s pervasive. And that’s what I’m challenging my Diamonds, I’m challenging you to ask for your pleasure and notice what thoughts fill in your mind, what thoughts come to you. And notice what feelings you’re feeling, are you feeling shame? I know a lot of women tell me they feel shame at the thought of asking for their own pleasure.

So, once we get through all this, we coach on it and we get to the point where they may be willing to ask for the pleasure that they want and ask for their pleasure needs to be met. I’ve found out another amazing discovery. Women have no idea what they want. Not all women, some women do but there’s a lot of women out there that have no idea what they want sexually and you know why? Because they don’t spend enough time self-pleasuring. They don’t spend enough time masturbating.

They need to masturbate in order to figure out how their body works to figure out what they want for pleasure. I’m like what the what? Before you can ask for what you want you need to know what you want. You need to identify your pleasure needs so let’s just take a quick sidetrack back to the concept of self-pleasure masturbation. Initially I was spending so much time on coaching my Diamonds on initiating and on equal pleasure that I was missing the whole point that we don’t even know what we want because we haven’t spent time with our bodies.

We haven’t spent enough time with our first lovers, ourselves. It’s time, women, okay, let’s do this. Let’s paddle the pink canoe. Let’s find your pink pearl. Let’s diddle the daisy, let’s pour syrup on the pancakes, come on, whatever you want to call it, let’s get down to it. Get to know your body. Get to know your pleasure zones. Make a date with yourself.

Okay, Diamonds, let’s summarize it all. I think we need to redefine women’s right to pleasure overall in life. I think that it’s something that women start thinking about and noticing when they’re in their 40s because when they get to their 40s is when you start realizing, hey, this happy ever after thing is not necessarily working out in my favor. I want something different. I want more.

So, here’s a wrap up of what I’ve learned around the concept of women’s pleasure. One. Women are entitled to equal pleasure in and out of the bedroom whether it’s an orgasm or a mid afternoon nap, prioritize your needs, prioritize your pleasure, give yourself permission. And if you’re not giving yourself permission find out why, look at the thoughts that are in there.

Two. This is something that needs to start at a young age. Girls need to learn that they’re entitled to equal pleasure just in life in general. They need to learn that their needs are equally important. And the best way for them to learn that is by watching significant women in their life and to see how they are living and how they are prioritizing their pleasure. So if there’s any young girls in your life, a daughter, a niece, a godchild, tell her that it’s more than okay to enjoy herself. Tell her that she does not need to put anybody else first. Tell her it’s almost required to be selfish.

Three. We can no longer define a girl or a woman as a good girl or a bad girl, a bad woman or a good woman. And we can’t define a good woman as someone who sacrifices for others. Please erase this concept from your mind and also from your daughters’ minds and your nieces’ minds, and anybody else’s minds. Redefine what a good woman is. A good woman is one who takes care of herself, but even better yet, just get rid of the idea of good. There’s no good girl, there’s no bad girl, there’s just women, there’s just girls and they get to be whatever they want to be and prioritize their pleasure.

Four. I’m encouraging you all to have a self-pleasure practice in and out of the bedroom. Masturbation, self-pleasure is very important but also take time to rest, take time to relax, take time to enjoy yourself, take time for that walk if you want it, take time for that afternoon nap, take time to read that book. Prioritize yourself.

Five. Recognize that pleasure is political, let me just say it. Marginalized groups are not given the same right to pleasure in our patriarchal society. Pleasure is power. Pleasure has a monetary impact. Pleasure should not be a privilege. Pleasure is a basic human right. So, when you tell yourself that you’re not entitled to pleasure, realize that this is some internalized bullshit, plain and simple.

When you feel guilty about pleasure, when you think it’s wrong that you have pleasure, or even if you think that other groups or other individuals should not be so happy or should not be so loud, or should not be enjoying themselves, ask yourself why, has the pleasure police come? Notice what’s going on. What are you basing this pleasure blockage on? Go within and find the thought that is preventing your pleasure. Do the work. Release the blocks and remember that others are entitled to pleasure and that you are equally entitled to pleasure, it is your right.

Okay, Diamonds, that’s all for this week. I’ve really enjoyed talking about pleasure. So, you enjoy your week and remember, you’re allowed to have pleasure in whatever form you like. And don’t forget to engage in self-pleasure, this podcast is your permission. This podcast is your pleasure prescription, you get to enjoy yourself. You get to have pleasure. You are entitled to pleasure. Okay, Diamonds, lots of love, I will talk to you next week, Dr. Sonia out.

Hey Diamonds, do you want to reignite the passion that’s gone missing from your life? Do you want to want to want it again? You know I’m on a mission to end the emotional pain and isolation that women experience associated with sexual difficulties. And many of you also know that I was once in that place where I was experiencing little to no sexual intimacy in my life. And I kept thinking that there was something that was wrong with me, that I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t attractive enough. I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t smart enough to fix this problem.

And I was worried all the time that my relationship was too far gone because of this lack of intimacy. Well, you know what? I was right about one thing. The relationship didn’t last. But even though the relationship didn’t last I committed to doing the work that I needed to do to own my sexuality. And now I have this amazing sex life and it’s everything that I wanted it to be. And I’m also committed to helping my Diamonds by teaching them the same strategies that I figured out in order to revitalize the intimacy in their life.

So, if you want to stop feeling broken, if you want to stop feeling shame and guilt about sexuality, if you want to feel more comfortable with your sexuality and tap into that pleasure then I’m here for you Diamonds. First of all, know that there’s nothing that’s gone wrong with you. You’re not broken. And you know what? You can solve your intimacy issues. You can let go of that shame and guilt, and you can tap into that passionate person that’s just waiting to come out.

Let’s get on a strategy call together. And let’s discuss how we can work together and how I can help you. And know that a strategy call, it’s like a 100% a safe place, there’s no judgment. We’ll talk about your intimacy situation which is what’s going on right now. We’re also going to talk about your intimacy goals, what you would like your intimacy to look like in the future. And then we’ll talk about how we could possibly work together to come up with a personalized strategy plan for you so you can get the results that you need.

So, Diamonds, I’m here for you. Don’t wait another minute, book that consultation call with me today. And I can’t wait to talk to you. You can get that consultation call by going to soniawrightmd.as.me and the link is also in the show notes. Okay, have a great day. I can’t wait to talk to you. Take care.