Ep #125: Releasing Perfectionist Thinking

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast episode 125.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, Diamonds, how are you doing? We are back for another episode. So good to be here. And we’re also back from our fourth honeymoon in DC and that was just amazing. And I am excited to be back but we basically went from DC where we were actually for a special speaking engagement. And I have to say, I love speaking engagements. It’s so good to get out and be in front of people, meeting people and talking. And talking about sexual intimacy and what’s going on in their lives and how we can improve it. I love doing speaking events.

And as soon as we finished in DC we came back to Minnesota and we went immediately into a business working retreat with my team. My team is amazing, that’s all I have to say. These women will blow you away. I don’t even have words to describe the amazing women. It’s coach Donna. It’s coach Lisa Hadlestad. It’s also Gretchen Hernandez who’s the behind-the-scenes business person, myself and of course Dr. Kimmery. And what we’re doing is we’re coming together because we want to make a better world.

Honestly, this is what it is. We want to do our thing. We want to impact the world. We want to improve women’s sexual intimacy. And I have to say, the team is planning an amazing year for you all. The first program that we’ve been working on is Your Empowered Sexuality, also known as YES but it’s YES Intimacy coaching program. Lisa Hadlestad and I spoke a little bit about this before on a previous contest episode. And we are going to be speaking about it even more over the next month. I am so excited.

This year I’m up-levelling my audacious life goal, my vision. And what that new audacious goal is, I want to positively impact the sex lives and overall lives of 100 million women. Okay, I looked it up, there’s something like 3.8 billion women. And I only want to impact 100 million and then maybe I’ll head towards a billion. But I figure if I have this goal I’m going to end up impacting somebody positively no matter how many people that is. But I love the thought of 100 million, women being positively impacted by the work that we do here.

But I also recognize that in order to do this, in order to meet this audacious goal I am probably going to need help from additional coaches and not just sex coaches, all different kinds of coaches. Relationship coaches, weight loss coaches, anxiety coaches even money coaches. Women, people in general need more opportunities to freely talk about their sexual concerns. The focus of this program is to help all coaches get comfortable talking about sexuality and opening up these conversations. We need to stop the sexual elephants that are in the room of most people’s homes.

We need to be able to help our clients have that conversation, just start it. We don’t need to be an expert, we just start the conversation, just check in with people about their sexual intimacy issues. Normalize the conversation, this is what this course is about, helping people to recognize that it’s okay to talk about sexual intimacy issues. If you start having the conversation then you can refer them to sexual counselors, other sex coaches, sexual therapists.

But if nobody starts the conversation you’d be amazed at how many people can go through life in so much emotional pain and possibly physical pain because they don’t know where to go to even start the conversation and to help themselves. So you don’t have to be an expert but at least if you’re a coach, give your clients the opportunity. Create the environment so they can feel safe talking about their sexual concerns. So this program is a 12-week program and it has a three-day intensive at the beginning of it.

And in that three-day intensive, coaches get to start feeling comfortable about their own sexuality and any sexual concerns that they may have. So we focus on the coach for the three days and then we go there and talk about how to make your client comfortable with any issue around sex and sexual intimacy. And don’t worry, Diamonds, if you’re not a coach, don’t worry. Myself and our team, we have plans for you too. And we’ll be talking about that more in the future.

But right now, we’re kind of going to shift gears and we’re going to talk about perfectionist thinking. As you recall last week we started talking about perfectionist thinking and how that can negatively impact your sexuality. This week we’re going to continue that conversation and specifically, we want to talk about what you can do in order to release this perfectionist thinking.

So the first thing to recognize about perfectionist thinking is this, that it’s based on a fantasy. It’s based on a fantasy that there is this underlying belief that there’s a right way to engage in sexual intimacy. Society has said this is what is designated as sexual intimacy and this is how you do it And unfortunately, right now we are getting a lot of our information about sexual intimacy from pornography.

Pornography is not good or bad but we need to realize that it’s just a story. It’s just a made-up story for entertainment. That cannot be the ultimate perfection when it comes to sexual intimacy because it’s really not addressing the needs of the majority of women. Yeah, every once in a while you may enjoy a little pounding but not all the time every day. And pornography doesn’t focus on the clitoris, it focuses on penetrative sex. And so it’s not focusing on our pleasure zone.

So if we had this concept in our mind that there’s a right way to do this and society says the right way is what we see in romance novels or pornography or whatever. We get to this unattainable place where we think that something has gone wrong because we don’t meet that. So when we’re talking about perfectionist thinking it’s kind of based on a lie, to begin with. It has this underlying belief that there’s a right way to do something. And in this case, this right way, there is a right way to engage in sexual intimacy.

Then we start with the fear and the anxiety related to not doing it correctly. Basically, we’re trying to guarantee that everything is perfect. However, when we’re focusing on perfection and the fact that we want everything to be done just right the result is usually everything is done just wrong. There’s no in-between and the main reason for this is that there is no such thing as perfection, especially when we’re talking about sexual intimacy. And that perfectionist thinking that’s based on a perfectionist fantasy. This fantasy in our mind is more like a fallacy, an incorrect belief.

Although we’re talking about sexual intimacy and fantasy make no mistake, this is not the fun kind of fantasy, this is a perfectionist fantasy with an unattainable unreachable goal. And this fantasy does not bring us joy. It’s really the wrong kind of fantasy and we just don’t need to keep this fantasy. Once again it goes back to our thoughts. Can we give ourselves permission to release this incorrect thought that there is a right way to engage in sexual intimacy? I believe in you. I think we totally can, we can give this up. I have faith.

Last week we looked at how perfectionist thinking negatively impacted sexual intimacy in your relationship. I asked you to spend some time thinking about this and to bring it to this call so you would have evidence of when you think things have to be perfect it usually ends up being the case that nothing happens. Instead of creating the most amazing sex, we end up procrastinating and avoiding sex altogether because we put it at such a point that it just doesn’t seem obtainable that we don’t even try.

So I’m going to ask you a question again. Are you willing to perhaps entertain the idea that sex does not have to be perfect? What about good enough intimacy? One of the people that trained me at the University of Michigan was Dr. Barry McCarthy and he talked a lot about good enough sex. When you first hear the expression ‘good enough sex’ it doesn’t sound very satisfying. It sounds like something is not quite right but it was okay, it was good enough like you’re settling.

But what Dr. McCarthy is basically saying is that it does not have to be perfect. Sex does not have to be perfect. As soon as we say everything doesn’t have to be perfect and this doesn’t mean that we’re settling. This means that sometimes it may be amazing and sometimes it might be just pretty good but it’s good enough. This releases the anxiety and the fear as to what it has to be. Are you willing to release the perfectionist thinking and also when you release this perfectionist thinking you’re also releasing the fear and the anxiety and the judgment and the procrastination and the avoidance?

All you have to do to start releasing the perfectionist thinking is to have a good enough mentality or maybe you prefer not half bad. Hey, that wasn’t half bad. That was pretty decent. I’m always going to encourage you to focus on Dr. Sonia’s triad of sexual intimacy because it automatically eliminates that perfectionist thinking. Do you remember the triad that I talked about where you focus on connection and satisfaction and pleasure? Not half bad. Hey, did it have connection? Did it have satisfaction? Did it have pleasure? That wasn’t half bad session, that was kind of good.

If you’re thinking that it has to be a specific way, that it has to be perfect and that’s causing you anxiety maybe it’s time to assess your thoughts. Ask yourself, is that what you want to continue to create, a lack of intimacy, a big online shopping bill, an evening or two lost on Netflix, avoiding your partner’s touch? Are these your overall goals? If it’s not your overall goal, are you willing to radically change, radically change your thoughts, radically evaluate your thoughts and decide if you want to keep or abandon these thoughts?

Are these thoughts serving you? Is perfectionist thinking serving you? This is an important question. And are you ready to embrace not half bad sex, not half bad make-out session, not half bad intimacy, not half bad communication, not half bad relationship, not half bad touch and connection and pleasure and satisfaction, not half bad thoughts? Basically in order to release perfectionist thinking we have to realize that there’s something better out there, something better on the other side, something beyond perfection.

It’s a place where your anxiety and your stress is reduced, where connection and touch and intimacy is increased, where there’s laughter and joy and overall connection because that’s really what we’re talking about here. Connection, physical connection, emotional connection, pleasure connection, that’s really what we’re talking about. And that connection does not have to be perfect. So to get to the other side release the perfectionist thinking, say goodbye to it and say hello to your best intimacy.

So releasing perfectionist thinking by one, accepting that there is no perfect sex. That’s the first thing is realizing that it’s all a fantasy and not a good fantasy. So release the perfectionist thinking. Accept that there’s no perfect concept of sex. Develop your sense of humor and imagination and create that not-half-bad intimacy. Also, develop that not-half-bad attitude overall. And when we talk about attitude, I think we mentioned this in the past, attitude is our thoughts, our emotions and our actions. I call it TEA time. So we’re developing not half-bad attitude around sex and sexual intimacy.

And don’t forget to have your conversations with your partner. Have the conversations first with yourself about not half-bad attitude and then have it with your partner. Explain to them that you have been engaging in protectionist thinking and you’re now realizing that this is impacting the sexual intimacy in your life. So you don’t necessarily need it to be perfect but you’d like to try some not-half-bad sex. You’d like to try some not-half-bad make-out sessions.

I’m not guaranteeing anything because I had a client tell me, she has a lot of perfectionist thinking and she was worried that her not-half-bad attitude and trying new things might be interpreted as false advertising, that she wasn’t going to go all the way and if she couldn’t guarantee everything would be perfect then why even try? But when we’re thinking with that perfectionist thinking, remember, we’re missing out and so much. We’re missing out on that intimacy with our partner. And our partner doesn’t even know most of the time that we’re focused on this perfectionist thinking.

So, Diamonds you get to change your attitude, you get to change your thoughts. You get to accept that there’s no such thing as perfection. You get to bring in humor, and imagination and create this excellent intimacy that you want. You get to do this all.

Okay, Diamonds, give up that perfectionist thinking. That’s all for this week. I will talk to you next week. And if you’re a coach or you know a coach, click on the link below in the show notes to get on the waiting list to find out more about Your Empowered Sexuality Sexual Intimacy coaching program. That’s kind of an adjunct certification and it’s going to be so amazing. I’m so excited about that, just working here to make the world better one podcast at a time. Okay, I love you lots, Diamonds, talk to you later, take care, Dr. Sonia out.

Hey Diamonds, do you want to reignite the passion that’s gone missing from your life? Do you want to want to want it again? You know I’m on a mission to end the emotional pain and isolation that women experience associated with sexual difficulties. And many of you also know that I was once in that place where I was experiencing little to no sexual intimacy in my life. And I kept thinking that there was something that was wrong with me, that I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t attractive enough, I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t smart enough to fix this problem.

And I was worried all the time that my relationship was too far gone because of this lack of intimacy. Well, you know what? I was right about one thing, the relationship didn’t last. But even though the relationship didn’t last, I committed to doing the work that I needed to do to own my sexuality. And now I have this amazing sex life and it’s everything that I wanted it to be. And I’m also committed to helping my Diamonds by teaching them the same strategies that I figured out in order to revitalize the intimacy in their life.

So, if you want to stop feeling broken, if you want to stop feeling shame and guilt about sexuality, if you want to feel more comfortable with your sexuality and tap into that pleasure then I’m here for you, Diamonds. First of all, know that there’s nothing that’s gone wrong with you. You’re not broken. And you know what? You can solve your intimacy issues. You can let go of that shame and guilt, and you can tap into that passionate person that’s just waiting to come out. Let’s get on a strategy call together and let’s discuss how we can work together and how I can help you.

And know that a strategy call, it’s 100% a safe place, there is no judgment. We’ll talk about your intimacy situation, which is what’s going on right now. We’re also going to talk about your intimacy goals, what you would like your intimacy to look like in the future. And then we’ll talk about how we could possibly work together to come up with a personalized strategy plan for you so you can get the results that you need. So, Diamonds, I’m here for you, don’t wait another minute. Book that consultation call with me today and I can’t wait to talk to you.

You can get that consultation call by going to soniawrightmd.as.me. And the link is also in the show notes. Okay, have a great day. I can’t wait to talk to you. Take care.