Ep #118: Relationship Coaching in OYSN!

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast episode 118.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello, hello Diamonds, 118, this is super, super, super amazing and I am super, super, super psyched for this call because I get to talk to Dr. K., also known as Dr. Kimmery Newsom. And some people might know her as Dr. Kimmery Wright Newsom. And yeah, we have something to announce that’s pretty big. What have we got to announce, babe?

Kimmery: I mean you can start first if you want to.

Sonia: So I think actually a few of you know this already but we got married a couple of weeks ago. It’s actually, now it’s going on close to a month now. Time is going really fast but we were out in Arizona for Life Coach Live. And we had gotten married the week before. So we kind of had an unofficial honeymoon but at the end of this month we’re going to have our official honeymoon. But we actually decided that we were going to have at least four honeymoons over the next year.

So our first honeymoon, we live in the twin city so we had a honeymoon night at The Four Seasons. And that was spectacular. And then I had to go off to work in radiology the next day. And then we had a short honeymoon in Arizona with the Life Coach Live. And that was fun, that was amazing and beautiful. And coming from Minnesota to go to Arizona was great. And the thing I loved the most about it is we got to talk about our hopes and our dreams, and our thoughts and our feelings right at the beginning of our marriage, right?

Kimmery: Yeah, it was pretty fabulous, I have to say.

Sonia: And you got to see your lovely wife up on stage as well.

Kimmery: Yeah. You were doing your thing, I just, I relished in it all. It was amazing.

Sonia: It was so fun having you, I definitely enjoyed that. But definitely being able to start our marriage really talking about hopes and dreams and what we want that to look like. And as I was thinking about things, I realized, for relationships, if we can give ourselves that gift of continuing to talk about our hopes and dreams throughout a relationship. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is a month old or 20 years old. But being able to relate to each other, and talk, and be vulnerable, and really say what’s going on in our lives and what we want that to be in the future.

That’s what keeps relationships vital and alive. So that’s definitely what I think helps keep a relationship going. And as I was mentioning before, we’re going to have at least four honeymoons. So we had the two and at the end of this month we actually are going to go to Hawaii for a whole week because I want to share one of my favorite places in Hawaii with my new wife, my new partner. And so we’ll be doing that for a week.

And then we are going to be going to Las Vegas next year to celebrate with our friends and family because we kind of eloped. We had what, five, six people at our wedding at the most?

Kimmery: Yeah, we had two couples and then our two children and then us.

Sonia: So it was a total of eight people at the wedding so yeah, it was very small to say the least. And so we are going to invite friends and family to come to Las Vegas and celebrate next year. And so that will be another honeymoon but with friends and family as well. And I kind of just want to keep having honeymoons. The thing I love about relationships, there are no rules. You get to make up rules. Society has rules about relationship but everybody on this call, all the Diamonds know I’m not really into rules.

But I am into living my best life. And so who’s to say that we can’t have 20 or 30 different honeymoons? And we’ll be like, “I’m on my honeymoon.” And they’ll be like, “Wow, when did you get married, last week?” And we’ll be like, “Five years ago, we’re on honeymoon.” [Crosstalk].

Kimmery: And yes, that is correct.

Sonia: But one of the things that I love about the work that we do together is all about relationships. And we do it together as a team and in the work that we do for women around sexuality and relationships. But also to keep our relationship vital, and alive, and living its best life. So it’s kind of different ways that this work around relationship and it’s always fun that sometimes if we’re having a disagreement or something like that, we get to get real with these things.

And I don’t want anybody on this call to think that relationship is bliss all the time. It’s work. Sometimes you want to be pissy assed and instead of being pissy assed you have to calm yourself down and say, “So how does that make you feel or what’s going on for you?” Or you have to take the other person into consideration. And you have to take the overall health of the relationship into consideration when you want to grow a thriving relationship. So we’re in the middle of enrollment for Own Your Sexuality Now which I love this time of year.

And I love the fact we’re going into the new year and I’ll be talking further with my Diamonds about the new year. But also with Own Your Sexuality Now, one amazing bonus thing that we’re offering is that we’re offering, if you sign up for the Own Your Sexuality Now which starts in January, January 11^th. If you sign up for it you actually become a founding member of Dr. K. Dr. Kimmery’s relationship group because with OYSN, Own Your Sexuality Now, we’re realizing that when the women go through this course they change.

And there’s no place for their partners to get to work on the relationship. Suddenly their partner’s like, “Whoa, this is like a new woman that I’ve married here. In the bedroom she’s asking for what she wants. She’s telling me she’s going to prioritize herself. She’s focusing on how beautiful her body is”, which they often love.” But they often need a place to ask questions too. They may have thoughts that, wait, she’s owning her sexuality and she’s owning her orgasms, and her pleasure, and that’s her responsibility.

Then does she even need me at all? So partners go through a phase where they need somewhere to get coached as well. And so because of that we add in relationship coaching to Own Your Sexuality Now because we think it’s so important. So tell me a little about what is relationship coaching.

Kimmery: Well, thank you for that information that you provided for folks listening, that’s a good way to kind of move into this. Relationship coaching is basically having conversations with people about what’s going on in their relationships. And then finding ways and solutions to work on those things right now in the present, walking through the different scenarios that they may be experiencing. And asking questions and getting curious about the things that they need to do in order to continue to formulate their connection in a way that is helpful and useful for them.

It’s like you said, Dr. Sonia, that when people have issues with sex around any type of topic regarding sex, relationship and relational dynamics definitely change. And so I think it’s important for people to understand that. And that it’s okay and let’s have a conversation about what we can do to make it useful and helpful for the couple as well.

Sonia: And so what makes you an expert on relationship coaching? I don’t think we’ve really gone over your CV or your resumé. What makes you the person to do relationship coaching? So people might be like, “Dr. Sonia has just taken her wife and given her wife a job.” No, [crosstalk]. So let’s talk about what your experience is, what your training is, what is it that makes you the relationship coach?

Kimmery: So let’s start from the very beginning. I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology from Kansas State University. And from there at Kansas State University I did a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy. And I’ve been licensed as a marriage and family therapist for almost 18 years now and practicing as well. And I also have a PhD in family dynamics, human development and family studies. And so all of these things combined, including teaching as a professor for 13 years in the college classroom.

All of these things combined, plus the research that I’ve done and all of the clients I’ve interacted with have helped me to really put together a program that will speak to the needs that people have, primary needs in relationships. And the ways in which they can interact better with one another, communicate better with one another, be able to enjoy relationship and having fun. And so I believe those experiences for me and the successful therapy that I’ve done, make me pretty much the perfect person for the relationship coaching.

I’ve been inundated in the field with all this information, for almost two decades. And so I think that that in and of itself and that experience in and of itself qualifies me for this work.

Sonia: Okay, yeah, maybe I’ll agree. I love how I’m just laidback, and casual, and swear, and laugh. And you come from the academic perspective. As soon as you opened your mouth it’s like, “Ooh, that must have been two or three degrees she just dropped.”

Kimmery: Oh my goodness, you’re so funny. And it’s true and that’s a relational dynamic there. We have to understand how each of us communicates and we have to understand what that means and what’s necessary for us and how we get our points across and that sort of thing too. And that’s something that you and I have had to work at over this course of our relationship and we still do the work.

And so yeah, I mean I think it’s just a process in and of itself. And you are who you are and I love that about you and I am who I am and I think that you love that about me. So it works. It works.

Sonia: It does, it definitely works. So tell me, being a foundational member, what is the name of your course?

Kimmery: It’s called Winning at Relationships. And in some circles, winning is a theme. People say it all the time, “I’m doing this, I’m doing that, winning.” In this sense I want to talk about it as a way of kind of championing the relational dynamics. You conquer the thing that may be a stuck point for you. And you learn how to use those tools to move forward in the next phase of the relationship which allows you to keep winning at relationships. So it’s not a place where you arrive.

It’s a process that you start so that the things that you continue to learn, and you continue to implement, and continue to do for yourself and for your partner become almost second nature. And so it’s a continual thing as opposed to being a static one time, one done deal type of situation.

Sonia: That’s cool. And so what are some of the topics that you have for the modules? And what, just tell us everything. It’s hard for me because in the dynamic in our relationship, I’m the one that teases you all the time. And so [inaudible], tell us everything. And then as soon as you start talking I want to interrupt and be like, “Tell us more.” Yeah, I’m going to try to calm myself down and not be the annoying one.

Kimmery: I appreciate the excitement. I appreciate the excitement. You encourage me really well so I appreciate that, thank you. So there’s an introduction. You’ve got to kind of start somewhere. So you introduce the couple to different topics, different things that they may be struggling with. You give them an opportunity to tell you ways that they want to work, all those sorts of things. And then the first module is wiping the slate clean, creating a new foundation. The question is, are you willing to give your relationship a new bill of health?

Sonia: And my naughty self comes in because all I can think of this wiping the slate clean, and I could think of is just flipping over a little toddler and wiping their butt.

Kimmery: That’s exactly right.

Sonia: Get rid of all the shit and start all over.

Kimmery: That is exactly what it is actually. And we put it in Dr. Sonia’s terms, you wipe away all the shit and start over. And both people have to be willing to do that. You have to be willing to let go of things that happened specifically in the past, ways that those things have pretty much put you in the position that you’re in right now. And learn how to fight for your relationship so that you can actually win at your relational functioning.

Sonia: So that’s kind of hard because we want to be right all the time. So you have to be willing to give up your story and be willing to not be right in order to be able to look at the big overall picture which is creating a healthy relationship for the next 30 years.

Kimmery: That’s correct, yes. And the reality of that is you’re right, everybody wants to be right. But in the quest for being right, things go wrong. And so that’s where you have to decide, is my relationship worth fighting for? Or do I want to be right? And do I want to be right alone or do I want to be willing to let go of something and grab onto something more feasible for our relationship and our relational dynamic as we grow together?

Sonia: That’s good, of course I want to be like, well, I’m right all the time, I’m Dr. Wright. And then I’m like, but I want to be Dr. Wright Newsom. So I can’t be right all the time.

Kimmery: I appreciate that as well, thank you. Thank you for that.

Sonia: Alright, so we’re wiping the slate clean. What do we do [inaudible]?

Kimmery: Yeah. So we’re talking about honesty. Let’s practice being honest. So if you’re going to wipe the slate clean, that means that you have to know what was on the slate in the first place. So you have to be honest with your partner about things that they may know that you may be holding onto, things that they have done recently, things that they continue to do over years and years. And you also have to be honest with your partner about things that you haven’t said anything to them about.

Because those underlying issues are also things that can be relationship destroyers. And so we have to be aware and willing to talk about those things too, so practicing honesty, telling the truth, putting it all out there.

Sonia: Be honest all the time, saying you’ve been faking orgasms for the last 14 years?

Kimmery: Yeah, you need to tell your partner that.

Sonia: Okay, alright.

Kimmery: Don’t you talk about that? Don’t you say, “Let them know what’s going on so that you can have a different way of experiencing pleasure?” Because if you’re not experiencing pleasure, what is it worth? Why are you doing it?

Sonia: No, I leave it up to them to choose how they want to, you know, what exactly they want to do. But I do focus on the now and moving forward around that, yes.

Kimmery: Yeah. And so having a conversation about that and just saying, “This is what’s been happening. This is what’s been happening. This is what’s been happening.” And that’s what the introduction is all about. That’s what the pre modules are all about is having those conversations.

Sonia: So getting used to having. So there has to be kind of an agreement at some point to have the honesty, we’re wiping the slate clean. We’re actually going to be honest. I don’t like your casserole, I never have liked it.

Kimmery: Okay. So we’re chewing up the meat and spitting out the bones here. The meat of the relationship, casserole, maybe the person’s cooking is kind of their pride and joy. Maybe that’s something we focus in on. But mostly what we’re talking about are things that have kind of created a level of brokenness, cracks in the foundation that the person and their partner have created. Maybe there is a dishonesty about finances. Or there’s been a dishonesty about the sexual relationship. Or there’s been a dishonesty about whether they’ve had extramarital connections with people.

Maybe there has been some type of fracture that seems like it is just a gaping hole in the middle of the relationship. And now we need to do something to repair it if we decided that’s what we want to do. And so it is a commitment. You make a choice and you decide together what you want to do.

Sonia: That’s good. So what do you do after that? You’re wiping the slate clean, you’re being honest, you’re making commitments, what next?

Kimmery: And then you learn how to trust again. You talk about trusting. What does that look like? What does it mean to be trustworthy? How each person defines that for themselves, how they define it for the partner, what are the ways in which I know that I can trust you? What are the things that I can trust you with? Because that’s one of the major things, if trust has been violated, it can be repaired. It’s not irreparable for the most part. But most people have to be willing to do the work in order to repair that trust.

And so having the confidential conversations, in our individual sessions, if that’s what they choose or in group chat and that sort of thing about ways that trust has been violated, what happens when trust is violated in your relationship, what do you do? What happens when a lie is perpetuated over and over again? And it continues to kind of permeate into your relationship? How do you wipe the slate clean on that? And the thing about it is, is people see wiping the slate clean as a one-time thing.

It’s almost like forgiveness, it’s a choice. And sometimes people do things to remind you that you need to forgive them again. And so it’s just about really making the decision, you make the decision, okay, I’m going to trust you when you say that you are having orgasms now that you really are having orgasms now. That is not something that you just say so that I feel better about who I am but that you’re really being truthful.

Sonia: Those sound like the foundation modules. Is there anything else you would put under the foundation modules or are those the basic ones?

Kimmery: No. Those are the kind of the foundation ones. And then you move into the next few which talk about compassion and being kind to one another. You’ve talked about the struggle, what the struggle is in the pre module. In the first module you talked about wiping the slate clean. Are we willing to do that? And you put the things on the table that need to be wiped clean in the pre module. And then the next part is practicing being honest, setting that time down and being honest. And then building the trust again, talking about what that process is like.

And then you move into kindness. You move into compassion, how to be compassionate toward your partner? Because that may not be something that you’ve been practicing.

Sonia: No. Usually when you’re not being vulnerable, you’re so focused on protecting yourself and avoiding the topic that you don’t necessarily put the focus on being kind and compassionate to your partner. Now, I know we talked a lot about the foundation modules, and then can you just quickly touch on the other modules and we can discuss those at another? Because we’re going to be having monthly relationship calls on the podcast. So compassion, what else are some other ones?

Kimmery: Yeah, communication, loyalty. And there’s going to be an intensive relationship Q&A, so they can ask questions and all that kind of thing. And then sexual intimacy, attachment styles, patience.

Sonia: Patience, who needs patience?

Kimmery: Apparently you, patience.

Sonia: That would be you, Sonia. I can’t help myself.

Kimmery: Conflict management.

Sonia: There should be one about being in relationship with neurodivergent brains. Okay, I’m sorry.

Kimmery: That’s where the patience is, patience, yes. Conflict management. There’s also what I call the relationship bill of rights. And then the final one will be a relationship Q&A where, where do you go from here? Kind of some fun things? How do you talk about your shared interests and where is that going to propel you in your relationship?

Sonia: I love that. I can’t wait to be a founding member of Winning at Relationships. I’ve got some work to do.

Kimmery: See, people, the work is never done. The work is never done.

Sonia: Work is never done.

Kimmery: Never done.

Sonia: So yeah, I’m just really excited to bring the relationship coaching into Own Your Sexuality Now. I’m so excited for the January group. And I just, I’m so excited for the new year. I love doing Own Your Sexuality Now at the beginning of the year because this is the time we will get to decide who we want to be and how we want to show up in this next year. And also how do you want to show up in your relationship? What do you want your relationship to look like?

So 100%, come and join us in Own Your Sexuality Now and be a founding member of Winning at Relationships because we definitely want that. And you get to see, have the inside view to Dr. K. and Dr. Sonia’s relationship. And you can see if Dr. Sonia will drive Dr. K. crazy. Probably not, she has the patience of – she’s so gracious, and loving, and kind. But you’ll actually get to see what it’s like within our relationship as well.

So, Diamonds, I want you to have a wonderful, amazing relationship like I have, and even more and even better. And it’s just a blessing. And I always talk about the fact that we have 20, 30, 40 more years of sexual intimacy. You can have 20, 30, 40 more years of a great, amazing relationship. And then also for people that are in a solo partnership, you’re in a partnership with yourself, this is still a great course because everything that we do with our partner we need to be doing with ourselves. We need to be in relationship with ourselves.

So whether or not you’re partnered you are actually partnered. And this work is – I mean honesty with ourself, what is it that we have been feeling guilty and not being able to forgive ourselves for, is it time to wipe that slate clean? There’s so much. Can you be patient, and loving, and kind to yourself? So all the work that is in Winning at Relationships, it’s actually needed whether or not you’re actually in a relationship with somebody else or not.

So join us in Own Your Sexuality Now, join us in Winning at Relationships and, babe, is there anything else you’d like to add?

Kimmery: I am looking forward to working with all of you and I’m so excited as well for what this year’s going to bring. I think it’s going to be a wonderful, wonderful year. And I hope that you believe that to be true for you too.

Sonia: A 100%. Okay, Dr. Kimmery Wright Newsom, Dr. Newsom, thank you so much for being on this call and thank you so much for talking to us about Winning at Relationships. And thank you so much for your patience as you choose to go through life with Dr. Sonia.

Kimmery: I love you.

Sonia: I love you too. Alright, Diamonds, I love you all as well. So come join us in Own Your Sexuality Now and Winning at Relationships. We’re going to have a fabulous 2023. Come join us.

Hey, Diamonds, it’s Dr. Sonia, OYSN is starting in January of 2023. Will you be there? I only offer OYSN live once a year now. That time is now. I love you, I love this group and I want you to be part of it. Enrollment is now open for the next two weeks. And did I mention the bonuses for this group? First, we have Dr. Sonia’s favorite things giftbox which is full of fun toys, books, lube and even a special self-love journal from OYSN. That’s available for the first 20 women that join the group.

The second bonus, which is truly amazing, is that you get to be a founding member of Dr. Kimmery’s relationship coaching group. It’s like getting two programs in one. Honestly, you know, it just doesn’t get better than this. I know you want to join so let’s do this. Let’s start the new year with the new empowered sexual you. Imagine where you could be in 90 days. Yes, in three months it could be completely different. Your intimacy can be loving, connected, pleasurable, you get to decide. And you know I love to ask questions so here’s a question for you.

What do you want your sexual intimacy to look like in 10 or 20 years? What you think and what you do now determines your future intimacy. If you’re settling now, your intimacy, your sexual intimacy is likely to be non-existent in the future. You have no incentive to keep engaging in sexual intimacy if it’s not good, if it’s not empowering, if it’s not pleasurable. Do something now that your future self will thank you for. This is the best gift ever for yourself and for your relationships. It’s the gift that keeps on giving year, after year, after year.

You owe it to yourself to invest in your sexual intimacy now and forever. Doesn’t matter if you’re single, if you’re partnered, or if you’re in a, it’s a complicated situation, the OYSN program is for you. I’m personally inviting you to check out the intimate edition. The last cohort was on fire. Women in that group from age 35 to 65 were getting it done and on their own terms.

Couples who had not had sex in years found a new level of sexual fun and intimacy. Other women learned about their bodies and tapped into their pleasure zones. One Diamond learned about setting boundaries and focusing on her pleasure for the first time. Another Diamond got to be independent and changed up her entire life. OYSN is not just about sex, it’s about empowerment for women and, of course, pleasure.

Orientation week starts January 9^th, come join an intimate group of women for 12 weeks and literally change your life. If you’re a woman who wants to enjoy all aspects of her life then this program is for you. It finally gets to be your time. So click on the link in the show notes or on my website, soniawrightmd.com and sign up for Own Your Sexuality Now, the intimate edition. I can’t wait to see you there, Diamonds, Dr. Sonia out.