You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, episode 54.
Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.
Hello, hello, hello Diamonds, how are you? This is Dr. Sonia and I’m so excited to be here. I hope you enjoyed last week’s podcast episode. I know it was a little different but sometimes it’s fun to switch it up and to get to see Dr. Sonia, to see me as a mom. Well, I’m very much still in my mom mode right now. My son, Jules, he’s a naturalist and he loves anything to do with nature, ecology, birds, oceans, whatever, he loves it. And right now, he is hiking somewhere in the remote part of South Texas.
My mom mind is out of control, it’s not really being managed at this moment and it’s running free thinking about all the snakes, and scorpions that are out there waiting to get to my baby and get him. So, he and his friend are going on this hike for a week in a remote part of Texas. And they’re looking for a rare frog with poisonous skin. I’m like, “Really, poisonous skin, really, it’s bad enough that you’re up there with snakes and scorpions and things like that, now you have to be actually going out of your way to find a frog with poisonous skin. Yeah, that’s really making me feel happy.”
But it’s always been this way. I can remember when he was 12 or 13 and he told me that he was really interested in marine biology and he wanted to learn to scuba dive. Actually, he’s been interested in marine biology since he was about three. But he came to me when he was 12 and he was like he really wanted to scuba dive. And so, in the middle of Minnesota we found scuba diving lessons for him. And since that time, he has been diving. So yeah, it really is fun having my mind work and thinking about my son 70 feet under water with an oxygen tank strapped to his back.
So, I realized a long time ago that there is my mom brain that wants to keep Jules safe and wants him to play it safe. And then there is life which is meant to be lived. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest. And this is what I love about my son, he lives his best life whether he’s up there in trees, taking photographs of birds or hiking in the desert, or diving into remote places in Australia by the Barrier Reef or just painting. He is leading his best life.
Life is not about playing it safe. Let me repeat this, life is not about playing it safe. It’s about leading your best life and that means asking for what you want and not being afraid to go after it. And it also means cultivating pleasure in your life. And it’s the same thing with sexual intimacy, it’s time for women to cultivate pleasure in their life. This concept of cultivating pleasure has been on my mind for a while now actually.
I kind of started to introduce this idea when I was talking about would do sex, what would you do if you were focused on having fun or if you were focused on your pleasure during sex. But today I really wanted to take it a step further and I wanted to talk to you about the pleasure princess. Yes, now, I’m basing my concept of the pleasure princess on another concept which is called the pillow princess. Maybe some of you have heard about the pillow princess. Basically, she’s a woman that enjoys sex.
And she really cultivates and enjoys her pleasure. She likes to lie on her back, spread her legs, demand and expect to be served. Now, she can be serving herself or she can be being served by a lover or possibly even more than one lover. It really doesn’t matter who’s doing the serving. What really does matter and what I really want to focus on today is the power that the pleasure princess possesses within herself to know that she deserves this pleasure.
So, listen up, Diamonds, because so many of you don’t believe you deserve pleasure, at least not to the same extent as your partner experiences and ‘deserves’ pleasure. So, a pillow princess or a pleasure princess, she deserves to experience pleasure and not specifically for any reason why she deserves it other than just because she does deserve it, because she’s the pleasure princess. And I did switch the name from a pillow princess to a pleasure princess because I want to put the focus on pleasure.
But I also like the pillow princess concept because it gives your mind a visualization that you get to just lie there and relax and enjoy yourself. Sex is not about performing. Let me repeat that. Sex is not about performing. I know that when we see pornography or read erotica it’s all about pouting lips, and arched backs, and perfect bodies, and simultaneous orgasms. Everything seems to be perfect right down to the perfectly aligned vulvaplasty vulva. And in the books and in pornography it does look perfect because it’s a performance. It’s not real.
But what we do in the privacy of our own homes, or elsewhere it’s not about performance, it’s about pleasure and please don’t forget that. There are so many women that are out there in a state of anxiety, specifically performance anxiety, when it comes to sex and sexual intimacy. So many women are focused on serving others or on pleasing others by doing it ‘the right way’. As if there’s only one way to have sex or only one way to be intimate.
Again, and again, and again, women come to me with the same performance anxieties. They’re concerned that they’re taking too long to have an orgasm. They’re concerned that they’re not having an orgasm. They’re concerned that they don’t look sexy enough in bed. They’re concerned that they don’t know all the techniques for oral sex. Now they’re concerned that they don’t know how to squirt. They always seem to be concerned that they’re not having a vaginal orgasm and that they’re having a clitoral orgasm but not vaginal.
They’re concerned that they don’t know how to masturbate properly. Really the list goes on, and on, and on. Now, when you think about the pillow princess or the pleasure princess, she’s lying on her back, she’s enjoying herself, she’s expecting pleasure, she’s demanding her pleasure. Do you think she’s worried about that list? I don’t think she is. So, with all this performance anxiety and issues around sex and sexuality, women have lost their power.
But let’s be honest here, women for the most part never had the power to begin with when it comes to sexuality. One of the reasons why women don’t feel empowered when it comes to sex and sexuality is also because our society does not empower women around the issue of sex. Society has placed us in this role of the sexual object, the one that things are acted upon, almost like a doll that’s on a shelf waiting for someone to take her down and play with her. And this is part of the reason that we have this performance mentality when it comes to sex and intimacy.
This is why we start to get concerned when we have to please another person, this person that ‘selected’ us. This person that deemed us good enough to come off the shelf and play with. We don’t want to get put back up on the shelf so we’re trying to perform and to please this other person because they’re the one that gave us access to our sexuality. And they’re the one that’s ‘allowing’ us to come into the real world and to come alive.
Well, let’s just talk about the pleasure princess. The pleasure princess is not waiting to be taken down off the shelf. If she’s on the shelf at all, she’s actually looking down at the world and saying, “Motherfuckers here I come.” She is jumping off that shelf and jumping into her life. She’s actually realizing that she has the ability to experience anything that she wants to experience in life and she doesn’t have to sit on the shelf and wait for someone to give her permission to get off the damn shelf and to become sexual.
And you know what? Even as I’m talking about the pleasure princess, I’m actually realizing that I want to change her name as well, Somehow a princess denotes someone that’s not fully stepping into their power yet. It’s kind of like someone who’s waiting in the wings for her time to come. It also denotes that someone else or something else has the power to deliver or bestow upon her whatever it is that she needs. And when she gets that power or whatever it is, bestowed upon her then she is going to transition out of this powerless person into this powerful queen.
Yeah, so I don’t really like that concept of the princess, the one that’s in waiting. So, we’re going to shift that around two. I like the title of an empress, an empress has a power over her entire empire. She is empowered to make decisions for herself and has the ability to contain or hold her power. She is comfortable with her power. She is strong enough to wield that power and to contain that power, and to use that power for her own good and for the good of other people as well. But we’re going to be talking about for her good.
So, as I’m talking you can see that an evolution has occurred here, from a pillow princess, to a pleasure princess, to a pleasure empress. Ooh, I like that word, pleasure empress. Pleasure empress, it feels so powerful. It feels like yes, this is the embodiment of the pleasure. This is the embodiment of the power. This is the acceptance. So, this evolution to this pleasure princess is to a woman who is fully in possession of her power, her sexual power and she 100% believes, and understands, and knows that she gets to own that power without question.
But also, she owns it without fear or concern on her part or anyone else’s part, that she has this power. So, as I’m remolding this person, this pleasure empress, I’m also remolding the sexual power that she has. And I’m infusing it with the right to sexual pleasure. Now I choose pleasure because I want to focus on pleasure. And I want that for my Diamonds as well, but you can choose and focus on what feels right for you.
Maybe you want more pleasure but maybe you want to focus on more touch, or maybe caress, or sensuality, or you want to focus on more communication. Or you want to spiritually connect. Maybe you just want a good fuck or a fantastic orgasm. You get to decide what is right for you. What do you want to interweave with your power? Can you visualize that interweaving happening? Can you see your power being infused with whatever you want to grow so that the power is feeding it and making it stronger?
So, what do you want to focus on? You get to choose what you would like to empower. So, choose something that you want to experience. And at this point I invite you to name your empowered part of you, the thing that you want to focus on, the part of you that you want to grow. For me it’s the pleasure empress, for you it may be something else. Choose the name of the title which feels the most like you are embodying that power. Is the name empress, or queen, or maybe goddess, or sorceress, or princess? You get to choose what’s right for you. What resonates for you?
In any case, choose what you’d like to put the focus on and then choose how you would like to show up in your power. I choose the pleasure empress. I always want to empower more pleasure for myself and for my Diamonds and I love the empress. For me it’s a visualization of power and strength. And she’s able to sit and hold that power and that strength. But what do you choose?
Diamonds, I’d really love to know where you want to place your power. I’d really like to know what entity you choose. Is it a sorceress, is it a princess, is it an empress, is it a queen? And I’d really like to know what you want to focus on, is it touch, is it love, is it commitment, is it unconditional love, is it pleasure, is it having a good orgasm? You get to decide where you want to put your focus and what you want to infuse it all with. And once you decide, reach out and share it with me. I would love to know what you decided, what became important to you.
You can email me and I’ll put the email in the show notes below. I would love to know who your person is, that part of you that you want to grow and to empower. Okay, Diamonds, that’s all for this week. I’ll talk to you soon. Dr. Sonia out.
Diamonds, how is your sex life? No, really, how is your sex life? On a scale of one to ten how would you rate it? You know I’m all about the intimacy for women in midlife. If you rated the passion in your life as less than an eight then we need to talk, sister. I’m personally inviting you to check out my new program, Your Empowered Sexuality 30 day kick starter. I am so excited about this program. Most of you know that I have an impossible goal to positively impact the sex lives of over a million women. And I am just getting started.
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If you are a woman who wants to enjoy all aspects of her life then this is the program for you. It finally gets to be your time. So, click on the link in the show notes or on my website at soniawrightmd.com and come join me for Your Empowered Sexuality aka YES, Your Empowered Sexuality 30 day kick starter. I cannot wait to see you Diamond, talk to you soon. Take care.