You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast episode 151.
Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.
Hello, hello, hello, Diamonds, how are you all doing today? As usual, it’s you and me and early in the morning in Minnesota, nice, peaceful, calm household. Talk about household, a lot has been happening this week. We just added a new member to our family. We are adopting a baby girl. Okay, baby is maybe not the word. She’s 15 years old. Her name is Naya and so we are adding her to our family. We are so excited. So now we have four children total and three at home. So we have Naya, we have Jamie and we have Jason and Julian has left the nest.
I’m so proud of my oldest son, Julian. He’s always been a birder from a very young age. He’s always been interested in birds. And right now he’s in Yosemite tagging birds, working as a park ranger. It’s so cool to see your children living their best lives.
And talking about living your best life, I have to say I just got back from Nashville where I was at Corinne Crabtree’s, No BS camp. The theme of this camp was all about no excuses. If you don’t know Corinne Crabtree and No BS, you do have to know about this woman and her program. It’s a weight loss program. It’s just an amazing program. And it’s even so much more than just a weight loss program. So we’ll put the link in the show notes all about, No BS so you can learn more about that.
But I loved being at this camp because I was a member of a panel of some amazing women, just incredible. And we talked about living your best life now and not waiting on your best life, not waiting for some arbitrary number on the scale to determine if you get to live your best life or not but you get to live it right now.
And I also want to let you know that I brought my BFF to camp. So, Donna came to camp with me, but my other BFF that I’m talking about is Lit Clitty. Yes, I brought my vulva puppet, Iris, and my Lit Clitty, my little Goldie, Clitty, with me on vacation to camp and introduced my BFF, Lit Clitty to all my friends at camp. And we had so much fun, we had a blast. So you get to show off your BFF. You get to say to the world, “Hey, this is one of my best friends. She’s just really amazing and she’s a clitoris.”
And today I’m going to continue my discussion about making your clitoris your BFF. And as I have mentioned previously, boys and men, they have a very special relationship with their penis from day one. And that same privilege is not allotted to women, to girls. So many of us have not developed that friendship that lasts into adulthood. We don’t get take your BFF to work days, but you do have the opportunity to change that. You take your clitoris with you everywhere. It’s something that’s on your body.
And there’s so much shame associated with the clitoris, and there doesn’t need to be. You get to befriend it. You get to stop whatever shame might be coming out for you. And you get to look at your thoughts that might be creating this feeling of shame. And you might actually get to a place where you could give yourself that permission to love your body, to love your clitoris, to love your pleasure.
So let’s talk about what’s getting in the way of you having an amazing friendship, an amazing relationship with your BFF, Lit Clitty, otherwise known as your clitoris. Today I want to ask you, are you dealing with mean girl thoughts? Are there mean girl thoughts getting in the way of your relationship with your Lit Clitty? Are they keeping you from having an amazing friendship with their clitoris? So let’s explore some of these thoughts.
First of all, how do you know if you’re having mean girl thoughts? I usually start with the feeling first. If I’m not quite sure, I say a simple statement like this, “I’m going to make my clitoris my best friend. I’m going to enjoy it. I’m going to appreciate it, just me and her together forever.” Look and see what comes up for you. Were you feeling joyous? Were you like, “Oh, this sounds like so much fun?” Were you laughing or did you feel a wave of shame come over you? Did you feel discomfort? Did you feel confusion?
If you felt shame, embarrassment, confusion or just an overall feeling like dis-ease or something’s wrong? That’s usually a good indication that you’re dealing with some mean girl thoughts. Let’s go over some of these mean girl thoughts.
Number one, I was told that only bad girls or dirty girls touch themselves. I’m a good girl. I don’t do that. Maybe you have a mean girl thought like I was told that this belongs to my husband and not to me. And my job is to save it for my husband, kind of like you have, I don’t know, a lollipop or a chocolate bar or something that you’re going to save for the next 20 years and nobody’s going to touch it. And you’re going to just sit there and it’s going to get moldy, and then you’re going to present it to your husband but nobody’s touching that. This was meant for your husband. And I’m just going to hold on to it for a while.
Let’s look at another thought. Masturbation is a sin. This is a very common thought that we’re teaching our children, hopefully not now, but that many of us around my age, 40s, 50s, 60s were taught that masturbation is a sin. Maybe you were taught, I’m not supposed to touch down there, that’s just not something that I’m supposed to do. Maybe you were taught that your vagina was more important than your clitoris, and somehow you should be focused on your vagina and focused on having vaginal orgasms because those are better than clitoral orgasms.
Maybe that’s the form that your mean girl voice takes. You really would be amazed at what thoughts are popping up. Some of you might be thinking that, I can’t believe I still think these thoughts and that’s okay because some of these thoughts were planted in our brain when we were five years old, some of them when we were 10 or 12, we were just starting to go through puberty and look at our bodies and think about things. And we were told stuff that was supposed to keep us safe.
Sometimes we don’t even know where these thoughts came from and why they’re still with us. And on the surface, we might laugh, but these thoughts might be embedded so deeply in our heart, in our minds, that it might take a little while to weed these thoughts out that are no longer serving you. And sometimes we don’t even know the thoughts are there until we start to try to have a closer relationship with our clitoris. And then it all starts to come out and it’s okay if these thoughts throw us off. If we didn’t realize we had these thoughts. And if we’re struggling with why we still have these thoughts, it’s okay.
Let’s look some more at these mean girl thoughts. Maybe it’s like, what’s the big deal about our clitoris? It’s just a little, teeny button and it’s not that great, it’s just this little thing that’s there, I could just do without it. It’s not that big of a deal. Maybe your mean girl thought looks like I should be focused on my partner’s pleasure, not my pleasure. This is so selfish of me.
Maybe your mean girl thought is something like it’s too late for me to develop a relationship with my vulva and my clitoris. I’m going to leave that for the young people, for the younger crowd. It’s just not something that a woman of my age does. It’s too late for me. I don’t even know how to begin. Maybe your mean girl thought is something like if I start having a good relationship with my clitoris, I’m going to want to masturbate all the time. I’m going to get nothing done. I’m just going to just lay up in the bed all day.
Or here’s an interesting one, people are going to know what I’m doing. Somehow they’ll know, and they’ll be able to tell that I’m bad. And this one I find particularly interesting because it really speaks to the fact that there’s thoughts in our head for decades. This might have been a thought that you thought when you were five years old or somebody told you that, “We’re going to know what you’re doing, you’re going to grow hair on your hand. You’re going to lose the sensation in your hand”, or something like that.
These thoughts don’t necessarily make sense, but they’re in our mind. And these are mean girl thoughts that are separating us from our body and from our clitoris and that’s just a few of them. I’ve only made a couple of mean girl thoughts. And let’s be clear about this, it’s you, you are your inner mean girl. You are the one that’s disrupting your relationship with your BFF, with your clitoris. These thoughts are separating you from exploring your body. They’re separating you from knowledge about yourself. They’re separating you from your best sexual experiences and amazing sex life.
If you don’t know your body, you cannot tap into the riches that are just right there. And we somehow think that somebody else is going to be able to tap into our richness, our pleasure zones. But if we don’t even know them, how are they supposed to know them? And that’s putting a lot of pressure on other people. So now that you’ve identified your mean girl thoughts, what do you want to do about it? First of all, write those thoughts down, write them down. And do not allow your inner mean girl to criticize you about these thoughts.
So first you have mean girl thoughts and then you have your inner mean girl that is criticizing you about these thoughts. That’s layering stuff upon stuff, shame upon shame. And that’s going to take you out of the game so fast, you’re going to be like, “I think I’m going to leave right now and just not deal with that.” Write them down, all you have to do is observe these thoughts and acknowledge that they’re there. When you’re ready, you can take some time and kind of look at the origin of these thoughts.
Where did these thoughts come from? Why were these thoughts given to you? How did these thoughts make you feel? What would you like to do with these thoughts? Are these thoughts that you want to keep or are you ready to release these thoughts? Are you ready to release these mean girl thoughts? And Are you ready to have that amazing BFF relationship with your body, with your vulva, with your clitoris? The decision is up to you. You get to make that decision and we’re here, we’re here to help you.
Honestly, what’s standing between you and your new BFF are these thoughts. And for each one of these thoughts you can eventually replace it with a new thought. So let’s talk about that a little bit. So we talked about good girls versus bad girls. So there’s not good girls and bad girls. We’re not separated out like that.
We are grown women. There’s just grown women that are curious about their body and deserve to understand it better, including getting to know your clitoris. You’re not a good girl or a bad girl. You’re a grown woman. You don’t need those thoughts any more, but you do need to get to know your clitoris.
The second thought. There’s no bad part of your body and there’s no part of your body that belongs to another human being. So the thought that my clitoris belongs to my husband. That doesn’t make sense. We’re not holding it for some partner that’s coming. Your clitoris belongs to you, not your husband or your partner and it’s in your best interest to know your body better. And it also informs and improves your relationship with your partner, especially sexually if you know and understand your body.
So you get to say, “It’s in my best interest for me to understand my body better and I deserve the pleasure that was put on my body. And I get to experience it and to own it.”
Let’s take on this one, masturbation is a sin. Is that true? Is that really true? Define a sin for yourself. Does masturbation harm you or anyone else? Who does it harm for you to know your body and how it functions better? How does that harm? Why would that be classified as a sin?
Okay, the fourth thought. If you’re not supposed to touch your clitoris, if it’s bad to touch down there, why is it within arm’s length, why do you think? Do you think something was put on your body in an exact wonderful position for you to be able to access and you’re not allowed to access it? Why? We’re not made so that we have to sit and prove, it’s like there’s one of your favorite foods right in front of you and you’re supposed to spend your entire life not eating that wonderful food. That’s going to make you miserable. We don’t have to live that way.
I love to say that’s why your clitoris is within arm’s reach, just in the perfect position. I mean it could have been stuck behind your knee or by your toe or not even created at all and not put on your body. But it was given to you and your clitoris only has one function and that is for your pleasure. I think it’s okay for you to touch it.
Okay, number five, my vagina is more important than my clitoris. 100% wrong. They both have their own distinct functions on your body. One is not better than the other. One is not more important than the other. But I can tell you that your clitoris has over 10,000 nerve endings and your vagina as a whole does not have too many nerve endings because you’re giving birth.
Imagine if your vagina had the same amount of nerve endings, the same proportion of nerve endings as your clitoris. You would never give birth, or if you did, you’d do that once and you’d never do it again. Our species would die and die really fast. So it’s not about your vagina being better than your clitoris or you should figure out how to derive pleasure from your vagina only and not your clitoris. It’s not about that. Your pleasure is meant to be found predominantly in your clitoris and that is okay.
Number six, your clitoris is much more than just a little button. It’s not one inch long. It is about three and a half to four inches long. And as I said before, it contains over 10,000 nerve endings. It was built and created only for your pleasure. Let’s face it, your clitoris is that girl, it’s an it girl, it’s fabulous, it’s uber fabulous. She’s amazing and she just wants to get to know you. She’s lonely and she’s been waiting for you to be her BFF as well.
Seven, it’s not being selfish to focus on your own pleasure and your relationship with yourself and your body. It’s really the most important relationship that you should have in your life and that other people should have in their life. It’s the foundation, getting to know your clitoris and the stimulation that it likes, can only enhance your sexual experiences. And ultimately you are responsible for your own pleasure and your partner is responsible for their pleasure. You get to come together and create these amazing experiences.
And when I say come together I don’t mean have orgasms simultaneously. That’s also one of those myths that’s going to drive people crazy and make them critique if they’re good enough in bed. I’m talking about, you’re responsible for your sexual pleasure. Your partner is responsible for their sexual pleasure. Both of you come together, two or more, and you have that experience and you get to enjoy yourself. And you’re not coming from a place where you have to focus so much on taking care of somebody else’s needs.
And if you’re solo partnered, you still get to tap into that amazing, pleasurable experience with yourself because you are your first and your best lover always.
Eight, it is never, ever, ever too late to develop an amazing relationship with your clitoris. And it’s really so important to know and to understand this, especially as we get older, we need to understand that we’re losing estrogen. And as I should say at this point, this is that disclaimer part where I am a doctor, but I’m not your doctor. So talk to your doctor about this. This is so important that we have that discussion with our doctors.
We’re losing estrogen as we get older, especially postmenopausal, peri to postmenopausal and it impacts our vulva. It can lead to atrophy and decreased innovation into your vulva, which means we need to know our body. We need to understand our clitoris, what stimulates our clitoris and understand that this is an adaptation process that we will always be going through because the sensations will be changing over time. And of course, go and talk to your doctor and talk to them about genitourinary syndrome of menopause, GSM.
Talk to them about localized replacement or systemic hormone replacement. Talk to them and ask questions, learn more and decide what is best for you. We need to understand how our body changes, especially how our vulva changes. And might I add that masturbation is also great as we get older because we need to continue to bring the blood flow to our vulva area, and masturbation is one of the best ways to do that.
So understand about GSM and how decreasing hormones can lead to atrophy of our vulva, which could predispose us for some negative health issues. Talk to your provider about this, this is very important and understand that you are never too old to know more about your vulva health and about your clitoris.
Nine, If you develop a good relationship with your clitoris, you’re just developing a good relationship. You just get to know your body, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to forsake all else, never get out of bed again, maybe for a day or two. But you will eventually get out of bed. You will not forsake your life. You will not just lie around doing absolutely nothing, except for masturbating, it is okay. But what it will mean is that you have access to your body and you have access to your own pleasure, end of story, end of story.
And let’s look at 10, people will know what you’re doing. This one I find is very interesting and it’s a thought that we have from a young age and it doesn’t necessarily go away. I actually was talking to a woman that told me that all these stories that she was told in terms of this is not for her, she should not touch it, people will know that she’s sinning. That’s a lot to put on a person, especially a child. And that can lead to fear and shame and really just avoidance and not touching your body part.
That is a lot to put on a child and they take that into adulthood. Let me just tell you right now. There is not some ink packet that will burst open if you’re masturbating and put ink all over your hands and everybody will know what you’re doing. They will not know what you’re doing and you know what? They won’t care as long as you’re doing it in the privacy of your home, they’re not going to care because they’re busy masturbating as well. The majority of people in the world do masturbate and are currently masturbating right now and the world has not ended, it’s okay.
Alright, Diamonds, there you have it, dispelling mean girl thoughts so that you can get closer to your BFF, so you can form a relationship with your clitoris, with your Lit Clitty. And once again, remember, it’s okay to have mean girl thoughts but you don’t have to keep them. You get to identify them, you get to look at them, you get to ask yourself, are these thoughts true? You can also ask yourself, are these thoughts serving you? Are these thoughts going to get you closer to what you want, which is a healthy sexual relationship with yourself and with any partners that lasts throughout your lifetime?
If these mean girl thoughts are not serving you, it’s probably time for you to release them and let them go. And you get to decide that, and it’s not something that has to happen in an instant. It can, you can be like, “This is some bullshit and I’m done with these thoughts.” Or you can take your time and release them. You get to decide how to do this, but what I think would be a wonderful thing is if you develop your amazing relationship with your BFF Lit Clitty. Okay, Diamonds, that’s all for today. Dr. Sonia is out. So much love. I will talk to you soon.
Hello, hello, hello, Diamonds, have you heard the amazing news? Dr. Sonia, that would be me and my amazing team has started a sex coaching and life coaching monthly membership program called The Lit Clit Club. The Lit Clit Club was made just for you. It’s a safe place where women can come to create the lives that they want, the lives that you want. It’s a place where you get to talk openly about your sexual concerns and be heard. There’s no judgment, no reprimand, no labels, just acceptance, knowledge and freedom.
It’s a place where you get to ask all the questions that you ever wanted to ask about sex and about life too. You get to dream big and create your life your way inside and outside the bedroom. You know I love the concept of creating the life that you want inside and outside the bedroom, that soul bursting life that you deserve. So come to the club for the sexual intimacy coaching and stay for the empowerment and the freedom.
Do you have questions about libido, menopause? Lord help us, menopause is no joke. Sexual health, relationships, sexual orientation, pleasure equality and orgasms, religion and intimacy? I am not finished with this list yet. Maybe you have questions about toys, maybe about non-monogamy. Perhaps you’re interested in BDSM, maybe self-love, self-pleasure. Maybe you have questions about self-orientation. Maybe you need to work on healing from trauma.
Maybe body image is something that you want to focus more on and definitely embodiment. Perhaps creating the life of your dreams or journeying to your authentic self. Maybe you just want to stop people pleasing. Whatever questions you have and concerns you have, we have the answers and the coaching that you need. In all actuality, you have the answers inside of you. And the coaching will help bring that out. And you know what? You get to choose how you want to be coached.
You can be coached by video, by audio only or you can use the questions and answers session, it’s whatever works for you. You get to sit back and relax and get the help that you need and your cameras are off. And every month we have a new workshop in addition to our regular coaching sessions. So click on the link below in the show notes and find out more about The Lit Clit Club. We can’t wait to see you there in the club, come join us. Things are just starting to heat up. Alright, Dr. Sonia out. Love you all, Diamonds.