Ep #180: Manifesting the Relationship You Want Post Valentine’s Day

The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast with Dr. Sonia Wright | Manifesting The Relationship You Want Post Valentine's Day

Are you, like me, feeling so done and over with Valentine’s Day? There are so many expectations related to it, yet I rarely see people excited for this day, whether they’re in a relationship or not. While it’s supposed to be about love and connection, I often witness disconnection at this time of the year.

Society tells us that certain things should happen on Valentine’s Day and what our relationship should look like. Today, Dr. Kimmery is back on the podcast to discuss how to look at Valentine’s Day as a time to get a better idea of what you’re looking for in a relationship, rather than feeling the stress of what you think should happen on this day.

Listen this week to learn how to tailor your relationship around what you and your partner want and how to define what you want your relationship and your Valentine’s Day to be. We’re sharing what our Valentine’s Day looked like, and we bring up concepts to talk about manifesting the relationship that you want.

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
  • What to take into consideration when you manifest the relationship that you want.
  • Why it’s important to define your love language for Valentine’s Day.
  • How to feel appreciated on Valentine’s Day if you don’t have a ‘partner.’
  • Why it’s ok to have neutral goals regarding your relationship.
  • How Dr. Kimmery helps the people who go her to manifest the relationship they want.
Listen to the Full Episode:

Featured on the Show:
Full Episode Transcript:

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, episode 180.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, Diamonds. I am so excited, 180 episodes together. This is amazing and I was actually going to say, this is fucking amazing but it’s too early in the morning. And once again, I have forced my partner Dr. Kimmery Newsom, to come on too early in the morning, but this is how we roll. And actually this is really in line with what I want to talk about today and we purposely recorded this after Valentine’s Day. This episode is going to pop up in your system a week after Valentine’s Day.

And I did that on purpose because honestly, I am so done and over Valentine’s Day. Actually, I have nothing, I feel there’s nothing wrong with it except all the thoughts and feelings and emotions and everything that comes up for a lot of people around Valentine’s Day. And for those people in relationships and those people that are not in relationships, I’d like to know the actual percentage of people that are excited and happy about Valentine’s Day. We have so many expectations and concepts and ideas. It has to be perfect.

We have to have the best sex of our lives on this day for the whole year. Our partners have to come home with flowers and candies and cards and love tokens and have to have the perfect meal. I don’t think I’ve seen more miserable people out at dinner than on Valentine’s Day dinner. People not talking at all, avoiding each other’s gaze, looking at their food. Hopefully they’re having a good meal, but a lot of disconnection in the midst of a time that’s supposed to be love and connection. So that’s what I see often.

And maybe my vision is skewed and maybe I’m looking for it, so I find it. Maybe there are a lot of happy, happy people. But I think there’s a lot of stressed out people wanting to get things right or people that are saying to themselves, I’m not in a relationship right now. And so now they’ve got galantines and they have all these different things. But I think underneath all that, is kind of the sense that there should be a certain way or a certain way things happen on Valentine’s Day. A certain way a relationship looks around Valentine’s Day.

And I just want to, in the midst of talking about manifestation and what we want to do. I also want to just give everybody permission to say, fuck Valentine’s Day. And I just want to be able to say you know what? We are all okay at this moment and we get to manifest what we truly want in life. We get to manifest the sexuality that we want in life. We get to manifest the relationship that we want in life. And maybe we can look at Valentine’s Day as a time for us to kind of get a better idea about what we’re looking for in our relationship, because today we’re talking about relationships.

So I’m focusing on relationships. I do want to say you don’t really even need a relationship because the best relationship to have is with yourself. And you always had that relationship and you always get to focus on that love in that relationship. And I think that that is your top priority. But then society, which society likes to do, imposes rules, I guess, some rules are good like, don’t kill people. Thank you, I appreciate that rule.

But other rules say that your love life, your relationships have to look a certain way. And I’m here to say they don’t have to look a certain way. So I want to talk to Dr. Kimmery, who is my life partner if you don’t know, about what our Valentine’s Day looks like. Not that we want to do it as a comparison, more an example and to bring up some concepts. And then also from that point just talk a little bit more about manifesting the relationship that you want.

So yesterday was Valentine’s Day. Happy Valentine’s Day or Happy post Valentine’s Day, which I prefer, Dr. Kimmery. May I just say how much I love you. And yesterday was a wonderful day. We had reservations at this incredible restaurant, but we also have children. And our children have plans as to what they need done. And our baby girl had a cheer practice, a two hour cheer practice. And we also needed to work on it. We’re getting a new bed today so we had to dismantle the other bed, move it into our daughter’s room because it’s this fancy adjustable base.

So a lot happened yesterday and so we actually canceled the reservation and just wanted to talk about what our Valentine’s looked like, but what it actually meant to us. So that was the longest introduction in the world. And Dr. Kimmery has not had her coffee. So let me just say this right now. I am a woman that my love language is acts of service. She is up at 5:00am with one of the best acts of service, without any coffee in her system.

And this woman is a complete Nespresso. I don’t know what you want to say, but really loves her Nespresso. And so I tossed some espresso into her system, a double one as I believe to get her to this place where she can come and talk to us. So we’re talking about our Valentine’s Day first and the fact that acts of service are my top love language.

Kimmery: So good morning, everyone, welcome to the podcast. Yeah, our Valentine’s Day was definitely filled with family things. We did get cards for each other, which was nice and we got things for our kids so that they feel special and so they know that they’re loved and cared for too. But most of it was serving the family. That’s what it was about. And as far as the reservations are concerned, about canceling those reservations, I wasn’t upset about that. It didn’t make me sad or make me feel this is going to be the worst Valentine’s Day ever because we can’t have a fancy dinner or anything like that.

It was, this is what needs to be done. This is how we need to do it. And afterwards, while she’s at practice, let’s go sit in a hot tub at the gym. The thing that I think was really significant about that for me was the simplicity of it all. How do you love every other day of the year? Is it based upon the glamor? Is it based upon the showmanship or the show that you can put on for the world? There are people who enjoy gifts, and that’s a part of what their relationship is about, and that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that at all. We all have love languages.

But I think, as Dr. Sonia was talking about, Valentine’s Day is commercialized such that it puts people in conundrums with their partners. It puts them in conundrums with themselves. How do you feel appreciated on that day if you ‘don’t have a partner’? You can expend that energy towards yourself or you can expend it towards your friends. And before my relationship with Dr. Sonia and our family, that we’ve put together, I really didn’t value Valentine’s Day very much either. And it wasn’t because I didn’t have a partner. It wasn’t because of that.

It just was that that’s the day that people spend a lot of money and that’s not a love language of mine. I’d rather have your time, type of thing. So I think it’s really important for people to define that for themselves, And for us yesterday, it was defined by serving the family and doing the simple things, by spending time together and relaxing, so I really enjoyed it.

Sonia: Yeah, definitely it was a good time. And I’m just reminded, we took the whole family off of sugar at the beginning of this year. And so we gave each one of our kids a little stuffy and one of their favorite little sugary treats. And the really interesting thing was, our kids grabbed those things and they were gone, we couldn’t find them. But they were afraid that we were going to take it.

Kimmery: That we were going to take it back, yeah.

Sonia: I have never seen children scatter, like cockroaches with the light turned out. They were gone so fast.

Kimmery: Yes, they were so funny.

Sonia: You need some downtime, if you and your partner, get your children off of sugar for the year and then give them a chocolate bar. They will be gone because they were afraid that we’re going to take it from them again, or something like that. But we all overall have been so much healthier this year and we’re not going off major sugar, never again. But definitely we reduced it down.

So yeah, so I wanted to talk a little bit about it. We focus on what our relationship should look like, what society says it should look like. And first of all, if you need it, to give yourself permission to create the relationship that you want. And this is where it ties in with the concept of manifesting. And so when I think about manifesting, what is it that you want in your relationship? Do you want it to look like that Valentine’s Day? Because it can, if you want it to look like more date nights, more times, little love notes, whatever is your love language, go ahead. It gets to be that way.

But take some time to just think about what it is that you specifically want. What is it that you want in a relationship because we’re talking about manifesting. And we had started this season or this series talking about the magician and how the magician is the conduit from dreams to making it a reality. So you become the conduit and about this manifestation concept. So first, you get your dreams, what exactly do you want your relationship to look like? What exactly do you want the sexuality in your relationship to look like?

And I’m talking a lot because Dr. Kimmery, I got her up too early and she’s here, I’m waking up and I have been forced into this one.

Kimmery: I’m trying to shock my nervous system into working, but I’m here with you. I’m right here with you.

Sonia: I am such a morning person. And Dr. Kimmery is more of an evening person or a middle day kind of person.

Kimmery: Yes, middle day, yes.

Sonia: So this will not be what we manifest in our relationship. I would love to manifest our relationship that we’re both up at four in the morning exercising and talking and having a great time. And then there’s the reality. So whatever you’re also thinking about in terms of manifesting for your relationship, also take into consideration the partner that you have.

Kimmery: Exactly, yes. That is correct, yes.

Sonia: But I’d like to say in terms of manifesting the relationship, how do you go about manifesting? You have been counseling couples for just about 20 years. And so when somebody comes to you and the relationship is not what they want, very often people don’t come to a counselor. They’re not like, “Our relationship’s 85% pretty good. Let’s come and just deal with the last 15% and have some fun time talking about things.”

They normally come when they’re on the last 15% of the relationship they’re really thinking about, this might be time to call it. And 85% of the relationship is not the way that I want. How do you help them manifest that relationship that they actually want?

Kimmery: Well, the funny thing is that I just got a couple who are actually wanting to work on that last 15%, which is really interesting because I haven’t ever had that. This is the first time, literally. So it’s funny that you say that, but most of the people, you’re right, most of the people who come to me, are like, “I hate them and can you help me not hate them?”

Sonia: It’s hard to come back from eight. I love them but this, this and this is stopping me. I hate their guts.

Kimmery: The reality is that people create what they want. Manifesting is about creating the life that you want. And I let them tell me their story and give me all the thoughts and the feelings and the ideas about what they had when they first got together and what has shifted. Did they have expectations that were unrealistic? Did they really know their partner? And did they have ideas about how relationships should go that are based upon what society says or based upon what certain organizations such as religious organizations or other marriage types of organizations say that their relationship should be like?

And very often they have those things and they have been ‘making sure’ that they’re following the ‘rules’ of that organization or book or that sort of thing. And so I think that we try to fit into a box. We try to fit our relationships into this mold where it’s kind of like putting the square peg in the circle hole. I mean, you can shave down the sides of it, of the peg. But it means you take off part of who that person is. So if your partner is the peg and you’re shaving it down, then they have to make themselves small in order to fit into what it is that you desire for the relationship.

And so when you’re manifesting your relationship in your life, it’s very important to think about what it is that you want to have possible in your life. What is it that you want to strive for together? And how can you create that, that world that really is about the two of you putting your life in perspective and making goals and looking towards those goals. And also being realistic about what you can do and what are limitations. Because I can’t say, cannot do because sometimes people make choices to not do certain things.

But there are limitations in some relationships too. So those are things that you must think about as well. And so if you’re going to be looking at it from the perspective of the magician, you pull things into existence and create a new potential or a beginning. I think that it is important to remember that there are lots of resources out there. And it doesn’t mean that they have to fit the mold that you have shoved your relationship in.

Sonia: Thank you for that. But I love what you say about the rules. And I think we were having this conversation previously about the fact that since we’re in a same sex relationship, society does not specifically have rules for that. And that’s what are kind of the best gifts about the whole situation. When I say better, I mean our relationship is pretty great. I mean, there’s times when we are just not happy with something, but we work our way through it and things like that.

But I like the fact that we don’t necessarily have relationships in terms of who we are and how we have to be and stuff like that. Or talking about the fact that I’m very femme looking, I look very feminine and I love looking very feminine. And I have a very masculine energy internally. And so that doesn’t mean that I have to look feminine and I have to ‘act feminine’. And I can be who I am. I don’t have to be shaved down. And I have to say that in some previous relationships I did feel boxed in and shaved down.

I had to be the perfect wife and I had to show up a certain way and it had to look a certain way. Even though the relationship was not healthy overall, it looked like it was good on the other side if anybody was outside looking into it. But I’d much prefer just being my own peg in my own hole, which really doesn’t sound good.

Kimmery: That sounds different.

Sonia: I’m not performing for anybody else’s notion and concepts of what it should be, who I should be in the relationship, and what the relationship should be. So it’s kind of a melting down of the relationship, where you still have the same elements, the same concepts of the same people involved but you create something completely different. If you’re melting down crayons, I’m bringing them back into a new color and something that’s never been created before. You get to spend the time to create this.

And I love the fact that you have people that are going to work on that 15%. And so and it’s just like sex, if the sex in your relationship is going well, it only accounts for about 15% of the relationship. But if it’s not going well, 85% of the time you’re focused on that and trying to figure out, I didn’t get sex today. If I did get sex, it wasn’t good sex. So if it’s not the way you want, it really gets amplified. And I think that that’s kind of what can happen with relationships.

So what I’m hearing is that you need to identify what you would like your relationship to look like. But I also hear that there needs to be a place for acknowledgement of where it’s at now and what emotions have come up for you or dissatisfaction or whatever. Don’t gloss over that. Spend some time acknowledging that this happened. Hopefully you’re not at that stage where you’re like, “I cannot stand to even look at my partner. I can’t stand the smell of my partner. I can’t stand to even have an interaction.”

Hopefully it’s more, I do love my partner, but I’m not exactly where I want to be with the relationship or the sexuality or the caring or whatever it is. But above all, recognizing that we get to decide what we want in a relationship. And also we do have to take into consideration the partner that we have in the relationship. As I say, I would love to be up at 4:00am for two hours talking and exercising and having our coffee and writing in our journals. And that’s not necessarily going to happen. But we are up at 6:00 am making breakfast and lunches for our children. That is required.

But if we have Saturday and Sunday, I’ll probably get up and leave the house and go to Starbucks and spend time with my cup of coffee or my cup of tea since I’m allergic to coffee and my journal and figure out what I want in my day. Because I get frustrated if I’m not doing a lot of things early in the morning, whereas you need to rest and relax on your weekend. So yes, please take your partner into consideration. And create the relationship that you want based on who you are and who your partner is.

But the important things, the communication, the respect for each other, the boundaries. We haven’t even talked about the number of people that are having semi-consensual Valentine’s Day sex. They think they have to do it and so they’re like, “Maybe I’ll just get it over early in the morning or I’ll just get it over.”

Or they wait till late at night and they hardly have sex anyway and they’re just not enjoying it. And they’re just because that’s supposed to be the day that you find that old negligee and you drag it out, the same red negligee. But yeah, so we don’t need to include that either. Alright, any last things that you’d like to talk about?

Kimmery: Well, I think it’s important for people to know that it’s okay to have mutual goals. You can dream about whatever it is that you want to dream about for your relationship. The biggest thing I see is honesty. And the ability to establish what each person has the ability to do. In the beginning of our relationship we were up early and a lot of that was because I was traveling back and forth to be with you on the weekends and then traveling back to go to work.

I lived on the Wisconsin side, not very far from the Wisconsin border. And so a lot of times we were up that early and to connect before I was gone for the week and then coming back for the weekend. And so that was something that did establish us, it really did. And then once we decided to take the step to move in together, that shifted a bit because I didn’t have to be up that early. I didn’t have to make the decision to, am I going to sleep more or am I going to go? So it changed. It changed because the flavor of our relationship changed, the social location of our relationship changed.

The geographical location of our relationship changed. And so there are things that you can start out doing and then when they go away, people are like, “Wait, why? Why did this change? Why did this shift?” And then that’s when you have that conversation, that communication that you talked about. Let’s talk about this. I need more sleep. You don’t. So let’s figure out how we can connect. What are things that we can do to connect?

And for a really long time, we were going to Starbucks in the mornings and being able to have that extra time together. Well, now our lives have changed again. And so now we have to figure out how we can manifest our dreams and still be who we are in reality and in the real world, in real life or IRL as shorthand, as they put it in social media.

Kimmery: Yes. IRL, in real life.

Sonia: You are the cool one in this relationship. I’ve always been urban dictionary. But I do hear you in that, yeah, manifest your dreams. Make them reality. Make the relationship the way you want it and also recognize it’s probably going to keep changing. Because factors in your relationship are going to keep changing. We now have three children and one of the things that we decided, it’s important to make sure that trust and continuity and consistency is something that we want to give our children. All three of them are in different stages. They’ve got different things going on.

And we want to make sure that we’re there every morning and that breakfast is done exactly at the same time and the same type of meal. And those things take priority right now. We drop them off at school, each one of them. And because of that, our relationship looks a little different. Instead of being at Starbucks talking and interacting and really focusing on our relationship, we are making breakfast to make sure that the kids know that they’re loved and they don’t have to think twice. Everything is there for them, so that they get to that place where they’re downregulated.

And that’s part of our relationship is that we get to provide that for our children.

Kimmery: Yes, absolutely.

Sonia: Yeah, it does look different at different stages in our lives. And when the kids are grown and out of the house, I personally don’t think they’re ever leaving, but if they ever do happen to leave us then our relationship will look different. Or just in the next year or so, our relationship is probably going to look different in the morning and that aspect of things as they settle into knowing about love and trust and just that we’re there for them, and in different ways.

So yeah, so I think that it’s good to know that our relationships are always changing. What we want to manifest in the relationship is changing and I hope we get to that place where more and more people are just focusing on the last 15% because they’ve worked hard on the first 85.

Kimmery: Right, yeah, that would be wonderful.

Sonia: That would be wonderful. And it’s possible too, you have to believe that it’s possible. And work with your partner who you have, recognize that it’s possible. Come up together with what you two would like. Get out of these fairytale books about what a relationship should look like and actually look at your own relationship. And then tailor it to the people that are involved in this relationship and what both of your hopes and dreams are. Alright, I told Dr. Kimmery that I would keep her on schedule. And so I’m making sure that I do that. Any last words?

Kimmery: Live your best life and happiness is real and you can have it in relationships. Doesn’t have to be perfect. You can have happiness in your relationship.

Sonia: Yeah, we had the best Valentine’s Day. Dr. Kimmery is a good singer and she serenaded me with Caught Up in the Rapture. That was fabulous. I got my Valentine’s Day card, my kids, we got to spend time with them. We did stuff for the house and the family. And then Dr. Kimmery brought me to the gym to exercise, and we ended up in the jacuzzi, exhausted, tired by our day. That was our Valentine’s Day, which would not necessarily be somebody else’s Valentine’s Day.

We had to drag the adjustable base, which is really heavy, this bed, from one half of the house to the other. And this huge heavy mattress and that was the best Valentine’s gift I think I’ve ever gotten, was just knowing that she was taking care of things. I didn’t have to worry about it. And our kids were going to have an amazing day. Alright, Diamonds, you get to define your relationship. You get to define what your Valentine’s Day looks like. Thank you for joining us for this podcast and thank you, Dr. Kimmery, always, love you.

Kimmery: I love you too.

Sonia: Bye, Diamonds, have a great week.

Kimmery: Take care.

Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast. If you enjoy Dr. Sonia’s fun and caring approach to sexual intimacy, head to soniawrightmd.com to learn more.

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Sonia Wright MD

Hi, I’m Dr. Sonia Wright and I’m YOUR SEX COACH! I’m on a mission to end the pain and isolation associated with sexual difficulties and to help women create satisfying sex lives.

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