Ep #179: Manifestation with Coach Lisa Hatlestad

The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast with Dr. Sonia Wright | Manifestation with Coach Lisa Hatlestad

We start manifesting things long before we decide that we’re going to do it. However, many people are afraid to believe in possibilities because they’re afraid to have their hopes let down. By closing ourselves off to possibilities, we are also manifesting, but what we manifest is the absence of possibilities.

This week, Master Coach Lisa Hatlestad is back on the show to talk about the Magician, manifestation, and the importance of believing that magic and possibilities can happen. Together, we discuss when manifesting begins, the power of how we say things, and how the desire for instantaneous results can get in our way of manifesting what we want in life.

Join the conversation to discover how to open the door to the possibility of change. Learn how choosing not to do the work towards something you want is still work, how small differences can create big magic, and how to find the Magician within yourself.

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
  • Why choosing not to manifest requires the same effort as manifesting.
  • Why a lot of people are often afraid to believe in possibilities.
  • The power of the way you say things.
  • Different interpretations of the Magician card upside down.
  • How the Magician relates to women’s sexuality.
Listen to the Full Episode:

Featured on the Show:
Full Episode Transcript:

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, episode 179.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello, Diamonds, so good to see you here. It is Dr. Sonia and Master Coach Lisa. We are here to talk to you today about the magician and specifically, manifestation and all the good things that have to do with women in midlife and sexuality. As I do more and more of these, I realize that definitely the sexuality aspect is important for me. But a lot of it is about women in midlife and what’s going on with us and what we want our life to look like now and what we want our life to look like in the future.

And I was just reading a book or I should say, listening to a book called Outlive, I believe, on audible. And it was basically talking about how we can maximize our health to live longer but live with a good quality of life. And so I think that has me thinking about quality of life and women and what we want. And as we step into looking at manifestation and what that is, what the magician tells us. And so I’ve brought the wise one here to tell me all the things.

Lisa: Surely you cannot be talking about me. Who is this other person?

Sonia: Of course, of course I’m talking about you. Who else is there to talk about? You are so fabulous. I’m your number one fan ever.

Lisa: Ditto.

Sonia: And I don’t know if people know, but Lisa trained me. I don’t even know if you remember, you trained me.

Lisa: I do. You were in the first class I ever taught. And you had had live training and I was there but I wasn’t part of your classes teaching there. But afterward we had online practicum. And yeah, I can say this now. I was really scared. I had no idea what I was doing.

Sonia: We all thought of you as the authority and you knew everything.

Lisa: Well that just shows the structure and how things are perceived. And I want to say this because this is so much about, there’s a flavor of magic here as well. Because the structure was there, people perceived it in a very conventional way, and why wouldn’t we? That’s part of our socialization, if there’s a teacher or something, they get our respect. And it’s not that I wasn’t prepared. It’s not that I didn’t know what was expected of me or that I didn’t have the skill.

But even in that kind of illusion, so to speak, where I was the one that was super confident and look at me, I’m the teacher, whatever. I think I’m exaggerating here a little bit. Inside I was quaking in my boots. And I think that there’s so much about magic that we need to take our eyes off of the outside, off of how things appear and put them on the inside. Because I have so much to say about magic and I don’t want to babble through this whole thing because I know you do too, Dr. Sonia.

Sonia: Every time you babble, I learn. So I’m going to sit at your feet.

Lisa: Oh, gosh, no, don’t say that. We’re sitting as peers here and peers with all of your listeners too, because we all have our own wisdom. And that’s the thing. We have to take our eyes off of the external and what is shown to us and turn them into the internal because magic is really the result that matters. That’s what we mean by manifestation, by materialization, something coming out into reality.

But that isn’t created from external circumstances as much as it’s created from the very subtle way of our thinking and our feelings and our intentions and really being connected with ourselves. Magic cannot happen without that.

Sonia: Okay, so I love that. So magic cannot happen without connection and a sense of self and knowing of ourselves, trusting of ourselves. That connection with ourselves has to be key. So, Diamonds, as you hear this, recognize that anything that manifests goes from a thought into material, in our world has to go through a process. And part of that process involves us trusting ourselves and believing in ourselves, even if we don’t know if we can manifest. If we can bring forth something, it has to start, it’s the seed, the thought has to be nourished by an understanding and a belief in ourself as well in order to bring it to fruition.

Lisa: Yeah, 100%, it needs to be, magic is intentional. Magic is a word that we can interpret in a lot of ways. But Dr. Sonia, have you ever been in a situation and this magic moment just seemed to happen without any making it? So, yes, those happen in the moment. But I am pretty sure that every magical moment was set into motion long, long, long before it ever happened through a lot of times, that’s why they seem to pop out of nowhere, through a lot of times of intention, whether it’s our intention or someone else’s.

So you’ve had a beautiful dinner with your partner and you’re out on the boardwalk having a stroll and something lovely and magical happens in that moment that you didn’t expect and it’s so beautiful. But think about all of the little intentions that you’ve nourished along the way that brought you to that moment in that time and opened your eyes. Because moments happen around us all of the time that we never notice and yet there you are experiencing that one.

Sonia: We don’t realize the investment that we made before kind of the attention. Where if you’re walking down the boardwalk with your loved one and you’re really having this beautiful moment. We put respect in there, the acts of daily living to show that we care about this other person or just making the reservation. All these different ways that we put into making that moment, it didn’t just appear.

Lisa: Absolutely. And then in that moment as well, your presence, somewhere within you, whether you’re conscious of it or not, you have made an agreement to be present to that moment. And that’s why magic takes place, but it’s not magic. You know what I mean. If we’re not seeing it, it’s just something that took place and we missed.

Sonia: But I think we go through life quite a bit just thinking things happen by luck or whatever. And not recognizing that we might have been working on this years before. I think that in the last episode when I was talking about manifestation, I mentioned the process by which I became a doctor, all the steps along the way, starting from having a discussion with my husband at the time, Edward. That he’s like, “You would make a great doctor”, back in 1994. And I didn’t actually enter medical school till 1998. So all those little steps along the way.

And for any woman that’s listening to this podcast and wants to manifest something in their life, wants to find that magician within themselves and bring forth ideas. It starts now or maybe it’s already started. There’s an intention out there. But if you’re one of the metaphysical types of people where you believe you can read about intention and thought and belief. Acting upon substance within the universe, some people that are very metaphysical kind of see it as that and then bring it into reality.

But whatever way you want to come at it, there is this intention, and there’s this belief. But I think with intention has to be belief, before you have the intention to go forth and manifest something. There has to be a belief that it’s even possible. When you’re doing your training, of us, and we’re sitting there thinking Lisa is the best thing since sliced bread. You have to have the belief that possibly you could do this and the intention that you’re going to get on that Zoom call and teach us.

Lisa: Yeah, you said a lot there, Sonia, that is true, true, true. Here’s the thing though. A lot of times when we talk about belief, I think a lot of times people are like, “That’s why I can’t have it because I can’t get myself to believe in it.” And I’ve seen so many women, being a coach and when we’re talking about the belief has to be there first, really beating themselves up because they don’t believe it yet, if you will. But the belief that we need is simply the openness to possibility. And that the example you gave of how you became a doctor is exactly it.

We start manifesting things long, long, we put that manifestation in motion long before I think many times we even have the concrete idea or the concrete agreement that we’re going to do it, that we’re going to try. Simply by, when your husband at the time said, “You’d make a great doctor, I don’t know what your mind did. But a part of you held that and nurtured it. It was a seed planted in the earth. Maybe you acted on it. Maybe you were like, “That feels good.” And then two days later you were like, “Hell, no, I can’t do it.” I don’t know what the process was for you.

But what didn’t happen is that you took that seed and threw it away and said, “Never, never can do it. Never can do it.”

Sonia: It’s so true. And I do want to reiterate what you’re saying and with the belief you don’t need 100% belief at the time that you decide that you’re going to do something. But I love how you say just kind of open your mind to the possibility of it. And that makes me think about, I have been coaching recently a lot of women in sexless marriages and sexless relationships. Or a place where they’re in danger, that maybe they’re having sex maybe 10 times a year or less.

And they don’t necessarily have 100% belief that something can change. But just the fact that they come and they ask for coaching, they ask for some assistance. Or anybody on any topic around sexuality or anything, when you ask for assistance, when you ask for help, when you ask for coaching, there has to be at least a kernel of the belief that something could be different.

Lisa: Yeah, absolutely. And I think sometimes as a society in general, a lot of times we’re afraid to believe in a possibility because we’re so afraid of having our hopes let down, of reality isn’t going to bear that out. And that’s just so human. So no finger pointing or finger wagging here. We all do it. We try to manage our feelings by not hoping for or entertaining possibilities that we don’t really believe in the moment can come true and I get that. But when we close ourselves off to the possibility of a change of something better then we are also manifesting.

And what we’re manifesting is that the possibility isn’t there. So one thing that I tell whether I’m doing sex coaching or any other kind of coaching is, the power of how you say things. And this isn’t any, this is just very basic, but the way you talk about things to yourself shapes outcomes. And it’s okay if at the moment you’re having trouble really believing it but using language, I can’t see it right now. That right now, we need to remind ourselves this isn’t forever.

I can’t see it right now, but I’m open to the possibility that something can change. That in and of itself is opening the door to the possibility of actual change. Magic starts with us. It’s not some big wizard in the sky that says, “You get that and you get that.” That’s not the way it works. It begins with us. And that’s what the magician in the tarot is really there to say.

Sonia: I like that concept that the magic begins with us. Our sexuality begins with us too, because so often as women are taught that our sexuality, somebody else is holding it kind of, and then they give it to you. They give you an orgasm or they help you along with your orgasm and stuff like that. And so the magic is within ourselves, of course, unlike the center of the magic is the clitoris but it could be the mind, because the mind is really important too.

But I just think of, yeah, the magic is within us. Our sexuality is within us. And for all of you that are like, “It’s too late for me or I don’t want to do this or it’s too much work?” Lisa, I heard you say that whether or not you go forth and manifest what you would like, if you don’t go forth with a focus on what you would like and your attention towards what you would like. Your intention is still there or your attention is still there and the intention because more of a negative intention.

Lisa: Yeah. I mean, if you want to call it negative because most of us are like, “I want a better sex life, but I don’t believe it’s possible. So I’m not even going to imagine it or think about it or be open to the possibility.” We’re manifesting there too. It’s okay because I think if we want to talk about the quantum field or spirit or whatever we call it. That source, I don’t want to get too, I’ll leave that to you, Sonia. But that source doesn’t go, “That’s bad and this is good.” There’s no judgment there. It just follows what we are putting out there by what we say to ourselves, so yeah, absolutely.

Sonia: If we say our sex life can never get better, it’s always going to stay this way or I’m always going to have that problem then yeah, you’re right. Whatever you think is definitely what is going to happen in one way or the other. So, we get to have the trust. You know what I find is interesting when I have clients that specifically tell me, “I’d like to do something about my sexless marriage, but it’s too much work.”

And it’s kind of interesting, you’re here on this Earth. Anything that’s important is going to require work. And we can put the work in now or we can put the work in, in five years. But the issues and stuff are going to double in those five years, so you’re going to be putting more in.

Lisa: Yeah, exactly, I get it. And that’s the other thing about, I think the way we’re talking about magic, which is what I believe is true magic so to speak. If you’re trying to, if let’s say you want to lose weight or something. And here’s what I used to think. I can say it out loud now because it’s so ridiculous. “If I could just be the weight and shape and physical condition I want. And then if somebody could just wave a magic wand, make me that way, and then I’ll do the actions.” We want everything. And that’s I think a lot of people think magic is that, abracadabra and boom you’re there.

But that’s not the way it works. And I think to your point, Sonia, I get it. There are many things that feel like one more thing to work on, one more thing to work on. But here’s what I want all of your listeners to consider. You’re choosing not to ‘do the work’ towards something you would like is also labor.

It’s also taking up time, the exact same amount of time is going to pass, and even if you’re not doing the labor, you think you’re getting a break. But what is going on inside of you is that continual longing and yearning for it, not being met by your own effort. And that also is labor and I would say many more times more exhausting.

Sonia: Very interesting. So we’re avoiding the work, but we’re not realizing what the mental gymnastics are that’s going on in our head, in our heart, because we want something. And at the same time, we think that’s going to be too much work. Going off of your example of losing weight, it’s going to take too long, it’s going to take a year to lose 60 pounds. So not necessarily doing that, but spending every day beating yourself up emotionally, over the fact that you’re 60 pounds overweight where you want to be.

So it’s not like there isn’t work and a cost that’s happening here in either case. So that’s so important to think about. And I talk about that a lot when I’m talking about clients talking to their partner about sexual intimacy issues. And they’re like, “No, I can’t talk to my partner because it’s going to hurt their feelings or I don’t want them to think badly of me.” Or the 1,001 reasons why they can’t talk to their partner. But they would like the sexual intimacy to change in some way, but at the same time they’re just afraid of hurting them.

They’re afraid of saying something. They’re afraid of, actually, and sometimes it’s, they’re afraid of telling the truth. Yes, I’ve been faking orgasms for the last 20 years, whatever it is. But we’re not looking at the cost, the work that goes into year after year, thinking I’d really like something to change. This is just not the way it is.

I’m living with a roommate and not a partner, all the mental and emotional gymnastics that are happening. We don’t recognize that as work. And if we did in this society, I think that there would be more people motivated to do the manifestation and to take action.

Lisa: Yeah, 100%. And I think if you’re with a partner and you love them, then I think we need to make some room to realize. And I think we all know this intellectually, but this is what our own personal shame will do for us. It really occludes the truth, which is that your partner isn’t just living in some fantasy world. They’re intelligent and perceptive enough to realize that something isn’t right.

And being afraid to hurt their feelings by telling the truth, it’s really interesting because when we’re acting, a lot of my clients actively avoid intimacy. Because they’re not enjoying it, because they’re not, whatever it is. Your partner is part of that. So really bringing it out. This is another part of magic. Magic is not magic until it comes out in the real world. And bringing the truth out and bringing what you want and what you hope for. If you’re partnered for both of you, that needs to be brought out into the real world too. It can’t do anything if you have it locked up inside of you out of fear.

Sonia: So after, when we’re talking about the tarot and the major arcana, we talk about what the card represents. And then we talk about if it’s reversed. And so I think that with the magician, if you’re not manifesting, if you’re kind of stuck or blocked, then it can honestly, internally eat you alive kind of. It’s just almost chewing away at your soul inside.

Lisa: Yeah, absolutely. The magician in the traditional Rider-Waite tarot deck is a man standing before an altar, and he’s got all of the suites of tarot. He’s got the sword and the pentacle and the cup and…

Sonia: The wand.

Lisa: The wand, thank you. So he’s got everything needed and he’s got one hand, one finger pointed up to heaven, and one finger pointed down to Earth. And really the magician, I think in that posture, they’re just embodying being the physical channel between the wanting, between the thinking, between the praying for or whatever it is, and then making it real. And the magician upside down, exactly like you said, we’re just keeping all of that inside if we are not willing to entertain possibility.

Yeah, it’s going to get stuck. It’s never going to come out. And also I think another interpretation of the magician reversed is thinking that we’re all alone, that it’s all on us and that we can’t do it and so it’ll never happen. Where the magician is more in a posture of we are part of it but there’s more. And so kind of linking that back to talking to your partner. We need to learn that we aren’t responsible and we’re just not powerful enough to create somebody else’s experience.

That’s an alchemy that has the other person involved and so keeping everything locked inside again, that’s a magic of a different sort. It’s the magic that we usually don’t want. It’s the magic that gets stuck and can never come out and open to ourselves and/or open to the other person.

Sonia: Yeah. And your hopes, your wants, your wishes, if you’re not fulfilling them and they’re inside and they’re locked inside. I do believe it turns to dis-ease over time, but it goes somewhere and it’s stuck in your body and it goes somewhere in your body.

Yeah, I mean, we all know the people that are living their best lives. They’re not necessarily making tons of money and whatever but their definition of success, may not be money but you can tell the joy that’s in their face. They’re living their best life and it springs forth from them. And then there’s the ones that are kind of just in this mindset that nothing’s ever going to change. It’s a void that’s sucking in energy.

Lisa: Yeah, it has nowhere to go, so of course, exactly what you said, dis-ease in our body. And that isn’t about blaming people for their own conditions. Certainly I have suffered from plenty of anxiety and depression over my life. But it is, it’s all of that energy inside your body that can’t come out, so yes.

Sonia: Okay, this has been really a great discussion. It makes me think of, so we talked about manifesting. I love this concept of a conduit. We are just part of this whole process. We don’t have to do it alone. And there’s two sides to both of these. There’s the manifestation and then there’s the blocking the manifestation, but both of them will have a result. So when you’re choosing not to do something, just look at the results and both of them involve the work. That’s the important thing that I love that I heard you say that there’s an equal amount of work in manifesting or in not manifesting.

But for some reason, when we’re actually striving and going for something, we call that work, and when we’re stagnating, we don’t call that work. I’m not sure why that, because that seems, you’re right it feels like more work.

Lisa: Yeah, it doesn’t feel good because if you didn’t want something, you wouldn’t have the longing or the yearning for it. And to suppress those longings or yearnings by refusing or just cutting off the possibility that you could do the work for it. And another thought is, I was talking earlier, how so often we want instantaneous results. Not doing the work and choosing not to believe it’s possible gives us instantaneous results.

Sonia: Not the ones [crosstalk].

Lisa: Congratulations to all of us on that.

Sonia: [Crosstalk], congratulations, another year of not having the sexual intimacy that you want, congratulations. And then we’re shocked and amazed when we discover that we are miserable in a marriage or our partner’s miserable in a marriage. And we’re like, “How did this happen?” Or you really don’t have any sense of what’s happening with your partner. So, please keep the communication open and then entertain possibilities. I think I want to end that because I love it, you don’t have to have 100% belief. It’s more about opening the mind, entertaining possibilities.

Diamonds, where would you like to entertain the possibility that something could be what you actually want it to be, where in your life? In all aspects of your life but also in the bedroom, because we like to talk about the bedroom. But where is it in your life that you would like to entertain the belief that it is possible? We’re at the beginning, we’re just starting February now. And that being the case, entertain the possibility, entertain it. This is so good. Alright, Coach Lisa, any last words?

Lisa: Love it. Well, my last words are, thank you so much. I have so enjoyed this conversation. I love every conversation we have, Sonia. I think the last little thing I want to bring back in that we talked about at the start and throughout is, it’s subtle. And by subtle I don’t mean it has to be super slow and you don’t notice. What I mean is those little, tiny things, the entertaining possibility, the dreaming of what it could be like. Maybe one little, tiny different thing. That’s what I mean by subtle.

And that is what creates big, big magic. And if you think it’s going to take too much time, again the time is going to pass whether you try or not.

Sonia: Whether you try or not. Lisa, it is always a pleasure. And for those Diamonds listening, you may not know that Lisa and I do our Own Your Sexuality Now intensive together over a weekend. We’ll probably be doing our next one in April. We have to solidify and finalize the date, but you get both of us. You get both of our brains, which is just a wonderful thing. So yes, so entertain the possibility. And we’ll be talking again on the next concept, which I can’t quite, it might be the empress. I’m not quite sure what the third one is.

Lisa: It’s the high priestess.

Sonia: The high priestess, it is the high priestess. So we’re going to be talking about the high priestess in a couple of weeks. Lisa and I will talk again about this because I love doing the major arcana. There’s so much that comes up and so much food for thought, so many ways that you can look at this and apply it to women in midlife and our sexuality. So as we say goodbye to you, Diamonds, entertain possibility.

What is it, now that you know and understand, whether or not you go for something, you’re still doing the work. So you might as well do the work headed towards what you want, entertain the possibility and ask yourself, what is it that you would like? Alright, Diamonds, Dr. Sonia, Coach Lisa, we are out. Talk to you later.

Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast. If you enjoy Dr. Sonia’s fun and caring approach to sexual intimacy, head to soniawrightmd.com to learn more.

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Sonia Wright MD

Hi, I’m Dr. Sonia Wright and I’m YOUR SEX COACH! I’m on a mission to end the pain and isolation associated with sexual difficulties and to help women create satisfying sex lives.

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