Ep #102: For My Male Diamonds

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women^TM Podcast, episode 102.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women^TM Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

This episode is dedicated to the ones I love. Yes, I’m recording this podcast for you. Let me start by saying I love my female Diamonds and my non-binary Diamonds. But today I’m talking directly to all my male Diamonds. So, all my male Diamonds, if you’re listening to this podcast, this is for you. And to everyone else, please listen and enjoy. And if you know someone who needs to hear this podcast, who needs to hear this message, then pass it on with lots of love.

First off, I want to let all my male Diamonds know that I love you very much and that the majority of the women who are listening to this podcast also love you very much. Just because I talk about female sexual oppression under the patriarchy doesn’t mean that I don’t love men. I’m recording this podcast this week because I think there are things that you should hear. Maybe you’ve already heard them but you may need to hear them again. Maybe you didn’t believe it the last time you heard it or maybe it just didn’t register. So, I’m recording this podcast for you.

And I’m basing these words on all the things that my Diamonds, my female Diamonds tell me. Of course, I don’t presume to talk for all my female Diamonds. This is basically a compilation of the most common things that they tell me and wish that they could express to their male partners. In either case I’m going to tell you these things again because it needs to be said. It needs to be said again, and again, and again.

Let me start by saying the messages that you’re getting from our society and specifically the patriarchal society are not specifically helpful for you. They’re not helpful for women, they’re not helpful for you either. So, let’s just address some of the issues right now. And let me be clear, my purpose in addressing these issues is so that you and your partner can have a fulfilling sexual intimacy that goes on for years, many years, 30, 40 years.

So, number one. I don’t know how to say this any other way but you are not your penis. Yes, I said it. You are not your penis. You are so much more. You are amazing, and kind, and loving, and passionate. Our society would basically like to limit you, to define you as basically being a good man is being a walking wallet with an erect penis, i.e., being the breadwinner of the family and always being ready for sex. I know you are so much more than that. And I know that gender roles are changing and in terms of breadwinning that’s changing as well.

But society has this overall view of what a man should be. And I say, no, I say you get to be so much more. Please don’t define yourself this way. You get to choose who you are and express all of you. To be clear, you’re an amazing person, an amazing person to have in our lives and you matter so much to us. We see the frustration that you go through if you feel that you’re not pleasing us. And I also understand that you’ve not been given  the tools specifically in order to please a woman.

It’s basically a hit or miss thing because often the woman is not exactly telling you what’s going on with her. So, you’re going by guidelines that are dictated by a society or maybe you’re trying to get information and learn and understand about sex and women’s sexuality from pornography, neither of which are particularly helpful in this scenario of creating sexual intimacy that’s going to last a lifetime with a woman. Sexual intimacy is a complex thing. It’s definitely not wham bam thank you ma’am. It’s not who can cum faster.

It’s definitely not I have an erection, where can I stick it. And it’s not more sex is better. What it is, it’s about connection, satisfaction and pleasure. So much focus is placed on the erect penis and vaginal penetration as the be all and end all of life, the be all and end all of sexual pleasure. And to be clear it is not. You could be in the middle of sexual intercourse, penetrating vaginas and missing the most important thing. Yes, penetration is fun and enjoyable but 85% of women do not orgasm from penetration alone.

And this is something that nobody’s told, although society says that vaginal penetration is where it’s at, let me tell you the money is on the clitoris. Get to know it. Study it like your heterosexual intimate life depends on it because it does. So, I don’t know who needs to hear this but I know what is true in my heart which is that you’re all more than erection. You’re so much more than erection, and this is not all about penetration.

Sometimes I prefer a man whose experiencing erectile dysfunction and that’s mainly because then the focus is off the erection, it’s off the penis. And the focus is on mutual pleasure, on beautiful sensual pleasure of both partners. And the clitoris finally gets the attention that it’s due. So, number one was, you’re more than just an erect penis.

Number two. Size does not matter. It’s true. Really size does not matter. What does matter is what a man thinks about the size of his penis and how he chooses to use his penis. If a man thinks that there’s something wrong with the size of his penis then he’s not particularly confident. And that usually leads to sex that is not particularly fun. Yeah, there’s plenty of men out there that have a large penis and they have no idea what to do with this penis. And then it becomes like a club smacking a woman over the head. And it’s not particularly pleasurable.

And the men might even think that they’re great lovers because the woman is rushing to get through the sex. And the woman might even pretend that she has an orgasm to get it done quickly. And because our society defines good sex as having an orgasm and getting it done quickly, the man might stay under this preconceived notion that he’s a good lover when he’s not necessarily at all. And it reinforces the belief that they’re great at sex and their penis size is amazing neither of which may actually be true.

Let’s look at some facts. The average size of a male penis when erect is 5.5 inches. So, five and a half inches, that’s the average size of a male penis. Only one in a 100 men has a penis length over seven inches when erect. If you watch pornography you feel like every man in the room has a penis over seven inches when erect. But this is incorrect. You are watching that one in a 100 man. Please remember that when you see that. Once again, it’s not really size, it’s what you choose to do with what you’ve got, that’s what makes the difference.

Think of macaroni and cheese, there’s some basic ingredients, cheese, butter, milk, spices, macaroni. But there are endless recipes. Sometimes you eat mac and cheese and it’s the best thing ever. And sometimes you try it and you’re like, oh my goodness, how can I get this under the table and feed it to the dog so I don’t have to eat it? And let’s correlate that to heterosexual sex.

So, there’s a man, there’s a woman, there’s a penis, there’s a vagina, there’s a vulva, very important. And there’s infinite combinations but for some reason we think we have to follow a recipe that’s set out by our society. Let me tell you, you don’t have to. You get to spice up the sex the way you like. And please hear me when I say, don’t believe the hype. A good lover is not determined by the size of their penis. A good lover is determined by the added spices to the mac and cheese, to the sex.

In my opinion, a good lover is determined by their enthusiasm, their kindness, their flexibility their ability to communicate in and out of the bedroom, the fact that they’re open to new ideas and that they don’t get offended easily. That’s what makes a good lover, not penis size.

This leads to item number three on my list. Please do not take offence, OMG, if I had a dollar for every female Diamond that came to me and said that they can’t tell their male partner something that they don’t like, or that could be improved in bed because the partner is going to get upset and pout for days. If I had a dollar I would be rich already. If you’re flexible in your thinking, you are opening up 30 to 40 years of pleasurable intimacy for you and your partner. If you get offended you are shutting it all down. That’s really what it comes to.

A great lover is a person who is willing to listen and explore, and not take offence. Please note that people that are easily offended do not become great lovers. They get stuck in their ways. Maybe they’re thinking, it worked on the last girlfriend, it should work on this one. Let me tell you, no, no, nobody, no. Each sexual experience is different. And modifications may be needed every time. You need to understand the person that you’re with and focus on their enjoyment and their pleasure, not on a script that you used previously for some other lover.

If a woman asks for a toy in the bedroom, please do not be offended. In fact, you should be pretty excited and happy. First of all, it has nothing to do with you and how good you are as a lover. What it really means is that she values you and your relationship enough to make sure that the pleasure stays in and out of the bedroom. This really bodes well for you. It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad lover. It has nothing to do with you. And it has everything to do with her and how women are made, and how they need direct stimulation to their clitoris.

So, if they get the direct stimulation that they need to their clitoris during sexual intimacy, which could be before, during and/or after penetration, depending on what interests her, she will have more pleasure. And more pleasure is directly correlated with more sex with you. If you want more sex, please find the clitoris and make it your best friend forever. Please welcome the toys into the bedroom.

And if you want more information please consider reading two books. One is called Becoming Cliterate, and the other one is called Sizzling Sex for Life. The links are below in the show notes. So, you get to decide if you want to be offended if your partner needs a toy in bed. You get to decide if you are going to decide the fact that she needs a toy means that you’re a bad lover. Or you could think of the toy as your wingman. Put it another way, even Michael Jordan needed Scottie Pippen and Dennis Rodman.

Think of her vibrators and toys as your assist and your rebound man and you will be alright my friend.

Number four. Every woman is different. Communication is the key to amazing sex. Let me repeat that. Communication is the key to amazing sex. Get used to talking about sex. At the beginning it might not be easy but over time it’s the best thing that you can do for your intimacy. Okay, women don’t come with owners’ manuals. First of all, we’re not meant to be owned. Second, we’re not cars. Third, you just can’t define us so don’t even try. What worked on one woman will not necessarily work on another.

And let me tell you a secret. What worked on the same woman one day may not necessarily work on that woman the next day. Yeah, you’re kind of screwed. I’m sorry. But the thing that’s going to save you once again is your flexibility, your openness and your willingness to communicate. I know, I know, I know, sometimes it’s not easy. I tend to be more on the logical side. And I had to learn to communicate myself. But communication is key to more pleasure for her and more pleasure for you. Ask questions. Take notes. Spend time just exploring.

Just have the exploring evening. Ask what works. Ask what she enjoys. Ask what kind of stimulation she likes. Ask the level of the stimulation. Sometimes it needs to be increased and sometimes it needs to be decreased and have patience. In fact, if you could be like the vibrator, on the settings, there’s all these different vibration patterns and there’s also intensity. And you can increase and decrease it. That’s key for a lover. Understand that there’s a lot of different patterns of stimulation that she might like.

And also understand that there could be an intensity difference, high or low that she may like as well. Have lots of patience with this and have fun with this. So, patience and fun.

Okay, number five. Society says that men have to initiate and that is not true. You get to decide what you want to do and how you want to do it. You get to decide if you want to initiate at all and if you choose to initiate you get to decide what form this initiation would take. And I’m talking about initiate for sex. So, if you’re going to initiate sex and your form or method of initiation doesn’t look like the standard not too subtle, hey, babe, do you want to have sex. Then maybe explain to your partner ahead of time what your form of initiation looks like.

Are you a person that likes to snuggle on the couch and then go from there? Are you a person that prefers to come up and kiss her neck? Are you a person that likes to do the dishes? You get to choose how you like to initiate but also convey that information to your partner, so they can understand when I do this, I’m kind of interested in sex. That’s helpful. And also leave room for your partner to initiate. Have conversations about initiating. Society says that men always have to initiate. That’s not true. You guys get to do whatever it is you would like, you guys, you people, you all.

Okay, finally, you don’t have to be in the mood for sex all the time. I know, I know, I know, I said it. This is kind of like blasphemy but you don’t have to be in the mood for sex all the time. Our society says that men have to always be ready but you don’t. You might be tired. You might have had a long day. Maybe you have a headache. You don’t always have to have sex in order to get the love, touch and intimacy that you need. You’ll actually probably get more hugs, and snuggles, and kisses if you feel your partner understands that your need for touch does not always have to be tied to sex.

Our society says that the only acceptable form of intimacy and touch for men is sex but you get to define this for yourself. You get to define love, and intimacy, and touch for you. If you need a hug, ask for it. If you need a snuggle, ask for one. You would be surprised at the results. Spend some time and figure out what exactly it is that you need. When you want touch, is it sex specifically that you want or do you just want a hug? You get to delve into it and decide. And then start communicating your needs and what they actually are.

You have needs, you have intimacy needs that go along the pleasure line and then you have intimacy needs that go along the touch line. If you’re having a stressful day and you want touch but you don’t want sex, communicate that to us, we want to know.

Okay male Diamonds, I’m quite there is so much more in terms of male sexual myths and things that I can talk about. And I’m quite sure I’m going to come up with more. So, we’ll probably have a part two at some point in time. And if anybody would like me to talk on a specific subject around male sexuality, feel free to send me an email and the link is also in the show notes.

Alright, lots of love, have a great week. And male Diamonds, remember, flexibility, value yourself, you’re more than just add a penis and please learn about your best friend the clitoris. Alright, lots of love, Dr. Sonia out.

Hey Diamonds, do you want to reignite the passion that’s gone missing from your life? Do you want to want to want it again? You know I’m on a mission to end the emotional pain and isolation that women experience associated with sexual difficulties. And many of you also know that I was once in that place where I was experiencing little to no sexual intimacy in my life. And I kept thinking that there was something that was wrong with me, that I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t attractive enough, I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t smart enough to fix this problem.

And I was worried all the time that my relationship was too far gone because of this lack of intimacy. Well, you know what? I was right about one thing, the relationship didn’t last. But even though the relationship didn’t last I committed to doing the work that I needed to do to own my sexuality. And now I have this amazing sex life and it’s everything that I wanted it to be. And I’m also committed to helping my Diamonds by teaching them the same strategies that I figured out in order to revitalize the intimacy in their life.

So, if you want to stop feeling broken, if you want to stop feeling shame and guilt about sexuality, if you want to feel more comfortable with your sexuality and tap into that pleasure then I’m here for you, Diamonds. First of all, know that there’s nothing that’s gone wrong with you. You’re not broken. And you know what? You can solve your intimacy issues. You can let go of that shame and guilt, and you can tap into that passionate person that’s just waiting to come out. Let’s get on a strategy call together and let’s discuss how we can work together and how I can help you.

And know that a strategy call, it’s 100% a safe place, there is no judgment. We’ll talk about your intimacy situation, which is what’s going on right now. We’re also going to talk about your intimacy goals, what you would like your intimacy to look like in the future. And then we’ll talk about how we could possibly work together to come up with a personalized strategy plan for you so you can get the results that you need. So, Diamonds, I’m here for you, don’t wait another minute. Book that consultation call with me today and I can’t wait to talk to you.

You can get that consultation call by going to soniawrightmd.as.me. And the link is also in the show notes. Okay, have a great day. I can’t wait to talk to you. Take care.