Ep #165: Flower Side Chat: Leaving Judgment Out of the Bedroom: Part Two

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast with Dr. Sonia, episode 165.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello, it’s the flower side chat. I am always so excited to do this. So people are saying hi to us. And okay, Donna, any other questions that have come in?

Donna: Yeah, questions about then, how many number of times of sex is good or healthy.

Sonia: It depends on the woman, it depends on the person. [Crosstalk] is going to tell you. So for some person, some people, some couples, some individuals having sexual pleasure, sexual intimacy, once a month works for them. And if nobody’s having an issue with that number, then there is no problem. That’s a great healthy number. But if people are saying, “I would like more. It’s not exactly how I want it to be.” Then you get to work on that, but I never, I’m never here to say it has to be a certain amount or a certain type or any of that stuff.

Yeah. So I don’t think there’s a specific number. Now, if you are feeling like it’s less than you would like it to be, and if that number is about 10 times a year. Then they do talk about the fact that you’re at risk for being in a sexless type of relationship if you’re in a relationship with another individual. So some people say it’s a sexless relationship if it’s five or less, some say if it’s 10 or less. So then again, there’s not a specific number. You get to decide.

Now, if there’s a lot of mismatched libido going on, most relationships have some sort of mismatch in the libido, and it’s not necessarily a problem. It is more so about what is it that works for you two, and what is it that you’d like to do. So that’s the more important aspect of it.

Donna: And also while you’re there, I think I like what you say about the libido of a relationship, the libido of individuals. Would you mind sharing on that a little bit?

Sonia: Yeah. So I had this concept and we talk a lot about libido. And one partner’s libido might be here, another partner’s libido is there. But we need to understand there’s the libido of the relationship. And that doesn’t mean that it’s an absolute meet in the middle 50%, 50/50, that type of thing. But we have a concept that there is going to be a libido of what you have with yourself. And there’s a libido your partner has with themselves.

And then there’s two or more coming into a relationship and you have, you sort of come to this place where, come, no pun intended, but yes. [Crosstalk] you have a certain amount of sex and intimacy and a libido that is within the relationship and there’s usually an understanding of that. And that libido within the relationship may be different from your own individual libido.

Donna: Interesting. Cool. Thank you. And someone says, is there usually a requirement to see a GYN before seeing a pelvic floor PT? And I think actually the answer could be yes or no. If you want to pay out of pocket, you can see a PT all you want.

Sonia: Well, you would still need a referral. Most PTs, you would still need a referral. Now, if they’re doing private practice and they’re not calling it a PT, I don’t know what exactly they would say. Maybe you don’t need a referral, but for the majority of PTs that I know, physical therapists that I know, I mean it’s mandated by law that you have some sort of referral. So yes, usually you will need a referral from a doctor or a provider in order to use these services, yes.

Now, it’s more and more common and more and more physicians have an understanding of the importance of physical therapy, of pelvic floor physical therapy. It’s definitely something that’s very needed. It’s almost every woman should mandatory have pelvic floor physical therapy. There’s a lot of women that have tight pelvic floor muscles. There’s other women that kind of have loose pelvic floor muscles.

But it’s kind of good also to understand that our public floor is like a bowl. I keep doing this because it’s like a bowl of muscles that come together. And then the hole would be here. But basically it’s these muscles that come together within the pelvis and it’s attached to the pelvis bones. And they might be too tight or they might be too loose. And so strengthening that or learning to relax.

It becomes something that’s very important, especially if you have vaginismus. That’s when your muscles are spasming and way too tight and it can be painful with sex. That is definitely covered for pelvic floor physical therapy, is so important. It’s so important for men as well as women. And definitely if we have good tone then it increases our pleasure and it’s something that’s important for us.

Donna: Someone says, I’m 56 and it is so hard for me to have an orgasm during intercourse. Take it away sister.

Sonia: Yeah, okay, so yes, so I know I’m back to my model here because people need to understand. If you could imagine that this clitoris is kind of embedded in the tissues of the vulva. Now, depending, if they’re really close to your vagina but most women’s clitoris is up a little higher. Now, if it’s very close to the vagina, you can imagine if you’re having penetrative sex that it would be kind of being stimulated kind of back and forth. But if it’s up there, it may not be being stimulated as much.

So you have to make sure that you are stimulating it, that you are able to in some way get some sort of vibration either rubbing on your clitoris. But somehow stimulating your clitoris during intercourse is going to be something that’s important. If you need to add in a toy there, then go right ahead and add in the toy. Toys are wonderful things to add in. And I have some over here I can look at, but basically if you can add either manual stimulation to your clitoris while you’re having intercourse.

Or we also have this concept in society that we have to come together, we have to come during penetration and all this bullshit. You don’t, you can come before.

Donna: How do you really feel? How do you really feel?

Sonia: You can come before, 100%. There’s nothing that says that you can’t come before. You get to decide what works best for you. I know some women that come before intercourse, some women come with intercourse and some women come after. Well, when I say intercourse, it’s all together as sex. It’s all together as integral. So you can come before, during or after penetrative sex or anywhere in there.

So if you need more time, more stimulation, more concentration or something like that, or you need to be in a certain position in order to come, do whatever you need. I know women that need to have their legs stuck straight out and kind of clamped together in order to come. So that’s not conducive for penetrative sex, that’s okay, there’s not a problem. So they can just decide that they’re going to have an orgasm before or after. And then they can have tons of pleasure in between.

Or they can also practice having an orgasm with their legs open and figure out a different way to do it and how it works for them. There’s no one way to do it. But if you find that you’re not having an orgasm during intercourse then we get curious and we figure out what exactly do we need to do in order to make this happen. Do we need to add in some toys? Do we need to just be like it doesn’t matter if it’s during intercourse? It can be before and get the stimulation when and where and how you would like it. You get to do all this. There’s no rules.

If I could say anything to you all on this call, there are no rules. You get to make these rules for you. And since every woman is a little different, your sex is going to look a little different from somebody else’s, which is wonderful. Why not variety, why not have fun with this.

Donna: Yeah, absolutely. I love that and I think that that is one of the, I think one of the biggest issues that we see with women that intercourse is not as satisfying, just straight on intercourse, so to speak in and of itself. And there’s the thinking that I should enjoy this, or okay, this is just all it is and maybe something about me is broken. And nothing is broken. Let’s be adventurous. Let’s explore what feels good to you. How can you incorporate that?

Discover your body, discover your partner’s body, discover each other’s, let them discover yours. Someone says, I find it difficult to have an orgasm in the missionary position but oral or back entry, not anal, with cervical, with clitoral, I’m guessing clitoral stimulation.

Sonia: No, no, [crosstalk].

Donna: I see what she means now.

Sonia: Yeah, because [crosstalk].

Donna: I was thinking it’s cervical. I was just thinking a misspelling, I’ve got you, you’re on auto correct. I’ve got it. The cervix.

Sonia: Yeah. Well, it’s really interesting with cervical stimulation. Some women, they don’t need it and they don’t feel it. And for some women, the cervix, it’s just full of nerve endings and it feels so beautiful to get it stimulated. So some women, it really doesn’t matter. And for other women, they would need to be in a position. It’s important for you, if she’s in the missionary position, the odds are maybe she has a higher cervix, that’s higher up in your vagina and she doesn’t hit that spot.

But when she’s flipped over and it’s doggy style, then it’s hitting at the exact way that it needs to hit. So this is what we need to know about ourselves and need to understand. So doggy style, oral sex, that works, but not necessarily mission position. Now, so for somebody that might have more of clitoral type of orgasms and they might like being in the missionary position because they can put a toy right on their clitoris and keep it kind of balanced in a way in a good position between the two bodies.

So they might really enjoy the missionary position, whereas somebody else might be like, “No, that doesn’t work for me.” There might be women that like the cowgirl, on top because when you’re on top you have control of the depth of penetration if you’re engaged in penetrative sex. But you also stimulate your clitoris a different way and it’s rubbing on the body a different way. So we each are kind of a little bit different and so that’s exactly what we need.

And that’s what I love about it and I love having these conversations because one person might not know. They might be like, “Cervical stimulation, what is that?”

Donna: Is that even possible?

Sonia: Let’s try doggy style next time and see. And if you’re doing doggy style, don’t forget the wand that you could put underneath you and get your clitoris. Let me see if I have a wand nearby.

Donna: Oh, I have every confidence you do. [Crosstalk]. It’s a microphone. Just make your clitoris [crosstalk].

Sonia: [Crosstalk], it’s the VIM and it’s the Fun Factory. Fun Factory is one of my favorite brands and it’s their newest one. I was so excited. So I like Fun Factory products because they have a tendency to be more fuddy, as you get older and you need more stimulation to your vulva region because it may be the case that your nerve endings are not as, you know, you don’t feel things as much. I love Fun Factory toys. These things, they just make me so happy.

Donna: Give me a moment.

Sonia: I know, wait, wait, not a takeover, I’ll just be over here.

Donna: Hey, everybody, it’s just us now. I want to applaud you for exploring what brings you pleasure, what works for you and your partner. You kind of alluded to it, I want to mention that our bodies, I know you hear this, but I want to make sure you get this. Our bodies are different. We are not cookie cutter. As Dr. Sonia mentioned, some people, your vagina may be a little, I’m sorry, yeah, well, the uterus, so the cervix may be a little higher.

We also some of us have retroverted uteruses, retroverted cervix. So that means it moves kind of a little, not so focused on, it’s not staring at the entrance at the doorway, if you will, so to speak. And so that may lend itself to doggy style and  gravity. So please understand that if you explore and try something and then you’re like, “Well, I didn’t get the result that that person talked about.” That’s okay. You’re there for your result. And so you get to keep exploring, keep experimenting.

I would invite you to try to leave judgment and compare and despair in the garage and just enjoy and explore and just have a fun experience.

Sonia: Yeah, 100%, I agree with that, definitely. And we also need to understand, there’s some women that get a lot of pleasure by the cervical stimulation. There’s some women that get a lot of pleasure from their G spot being stimulated. There’s some women, they get a lot of pleasure from the tip of their clitoris being stimulated. There’s some women that get a lot of pleasure from the legs of their clitoris being stimulated. There’s some women that get a lot of pleasure from their anus being stimulated.

So there’s so many different areas that can be the go to place for you. So each woman is a little different. And you get to discover all these different areas in your life. Some women talk more about the more anterior aspect of the vagina gives them a certain type of orgasm. Some people say the area, their cervix and behind their cervix gives them, if they can have penetrative sex, where they can reach that area, that really does it for them.

But I really want you to understand that we’re all a little different. There’s no one way to do it. Now, when we’re talking about masturbation, the Hite Report that came out in the 80s is very interesting. And it actually interviewed women and surveyed women as to what position are they normally in when they are masturbating. And so this is kind of interesting because they found that 80 something percent of women masturbate basically on their back. But there’s a certain percentage of women that masturbate on their stomach.

There’s some people that masturbate on their side with a pillow between their legs or a stuffed animal. When they were little they had a little stuffed animal. And then they discovered if they rubbed just the right way, that felt good. So there’s a lot of different ways that we learn to have orgasms. Some people discovered it when they’re in the bathtub. And all these ways are fine. And so, just as there is as many different ways, and then there’s some women that have a combination.

And just as there is many different ways to masturbate, there’s as many different ways to have sex and to enjoy yourself. And that’s why I just think it’s so amazing about the human body is that we have so many different ways and we have just lots of stimulation.

Real quick before I finish, so this is the Fun Factory VIM, and you turn it on and it has a plus and a minus on it. And so I wanted you to know it has a really fuddy type of thing. But if you’re enjoying the doggy style, just put this under in front between your legs and hit your clitoris while you’re getting the doggy style. And that adds another layer to things too. So sometimes we have these little vibrators, but they don’t work doggy style. Just add this one where it needs to go.

And then also I love wands. This is a wand. I love wands also because if you need to reach your vulva area but you have arthritis or other things that are going on in your hands. Well, this has a long like kind of handle on it, so it makes it a little easier to hold and to control and to add and the tip is very flexible as well. So there’s lots of different toys out there. And so if for some reason you can’t reach your vulva area, there’s always something that can help you reach that.

Donna: And what is the name of that one again, it’s Fun Factory?

Soia: This is Fun Factory VIM, V-I-M. And it’s the newest one that’s out. I think this comes in, they’re not cheap. This one comes in at 169, but it just, it has this amazing motor. And Fun Factory I love because they have a two year warranty on their motor and they last a long time. They’re such good quality. So yeah, sometimes you have to invest in your vibrators until you find the one that you really love. But that’s just kind of like investing in our partners.

I mean you try on, or a dress, you try on different things you like and then you have to wait until you find the one exactly that you really like. And so that’s kind of the same way with toys. [Crosstalk].

Donna: Think about it as taking your clitoris out for dinner a few times or buying it some drinks and suddenly…

Sonia: Yeah [crosstalk], treat your clitoris the best that you can. Be there for your clitoris and it will be there for you, which means, take care of your vulva. Get the estrogen on board, make sure because even if you’re not having sex with anybody else, if you’re postmenopausal, you’ll want to look into, talk to your provider about estrogen. Because it’s also for vulva health and reduces your risk of urinary tract infections and things like that. So there’s so many good reasons. Alright, anything else we’ve got here?

Donna: Yeah. How do you suggest to introduce hand or suction toys for erectile dysfunction?

Sonia: Yeah, okay. So erectile dysfunction is one of those things that we need to understand. Our bodies change over time. By the time we’re in our 40s a lot of men are experiencing erectile dysfunction or they’re starting to experience erectile dysfunction. Once we get into our 50s and beyond, yes, it’s a reality. It’s part of the experience of sexual experience.

And so that being the case, I’ll just say, I always make sure that I say this, if your partner’s experiencing erectile dysfunction then you need to make sure they go and see their provider. Because it can be one of the earlier signs of cardiovascular abnormality. So make sure the cardiovascular health is there and make sure that gets checked out. After that, then you want to go to a urologist. A urologist would help a lot with the different issues that we’re talking with around erectile dysfunction.

So what do we do to treat it? Of course everybody knows about this blue pill. That’s only one way. There is also shots that you can put in the penis to engorge it. There’s also a suction type of device where you can put the penis inside of this vacuum suction type of device. It pulls the blood into the penis and then usually you put a cock ring or something around it to keep the blood in there.

There’s actually, you can do surgery with prosthetics and they actually put these tubes that have water in and there’s usually a reservoir. And if you press the reservoir, it’s in your abdomen or something, it will fill the tubes of water and you’ll get an erection. And then when you’re done with it, you can press the reservoir and it puts the water back into the reservoir. And there’s even more, there’s more going out in terms of sonographic type of things to help. So there’s more that’s happening in terms of what you can do for erectile dysfunction.

But the thing to understand is our bodies are changing. If we don’t kind of roll with the change as they say, if we don’t kind of go with it then we are kind of, our bodies are changing, our lives are changing. But our concept of sex and sexual intimacy has not changed. It’s kind of stayed the same and it hasn’t shifted at all. We haven’t made room for who we are and what our bodies are doing. And so we believe that it can only be one way and if it does not work out that way, then we kind of shut down the whole system.

And erectile dysfunction is one of the things that kind of shuts down the whole system relatively quickly. So we need to recognize that can we shift our mindset about this? Can we shift our mindset about what sexual intimacy looks like? Can we go with the flow of erectile dysfunction when we have erectile dysfunction? Recognize there’s an ebb and a flow to it. Usually, if we are relaxed about the whole thing, we’re like, “Yeah, this is what my penis does. This is what my partner does, whatever.” It usually comes back.

But if we are in this place where we definitely are thinking, no, this erectile dysfunction, he doesn’t find me attractive. So many women will blame themselves because of their partner’s physiological issue going on. And they’ll say, “He doesn’t find me attractive”, or something like that and it really has not much or anything to do with you at all.

Donna: Yeah. And I wonder, part of the connection you already have can contribute to being able to add this to your conversation topics. Communicating with them around, you being a safe place for them to be vulnerable. Because there is a lot of pressure on the penis for carrying all of our orgasms, which we don’t need it to do. And there’s so much associated with their own identity around that, that it can be a super sensitive topic to have.

So compassionate and being a safe place for them so that you can have conversations. I like to say just because a ride is shut down doesn’t mean the entire theme park has to be closed. But a lot of times clients have complained, when the man in their life, the penis owner in their life, as you like to call them, is having that issue. Then they’re completely shut down and they’re not really approachable. So how can we [crosstalk]?

Donna: Yeah, it is hard. But it is difficult in terms of having discussions. You have to create this environment where it’s safe. I always talk about Barry McCarthy’s book called Coping With Erectile Dysfunction because I think it’s one of the best books that’s out there for everybody to have a better understanding of erectile dysfunction. And there’s so many people out there that are having sex without a penis. So that being the case we know that sex can happen without an erect penis.

So then we just have to formulate a different way of doing things and add toys or hands. And please be aware that an erection is not necessary for an orgasm, for the penis owner’s orgasm. Orgasm and pleasure is separate from an erection, but we have tied it together as one, and that’s not necessarily the case, so also be aware of that.

Okay, so if there’s any more questions now is the time to put the questions in the chat so that we can help you and answer your questions. It’s been such a pleasure. I love, love, love having you all here for the flower side chat. I love being able to communicate with you. We’re going to be trying to do this monthly so that you can come and talk to us and just shoot the breeze with us and hang with us. If not tons is going on, just come and sit down.

You can bring your partner, you can just relax and hang in there with yourself and just learn and just ask whatever questions you want to ask. This is what we’re here for. This is the flower side chat. This is for all my Diamonds because I love you. Alright, anything else that anybody else has a question about?

Donna: Let’s see. Just a love of gratitude. Someone talking about how they feel like diet plays a role on how our body functions. And of course that does. It certainly can have an impact on vascular health. Stress is a factor. And so let’s see. Why is it harder to get an orgasm when you’re postmenopausal? It makes me not want to try. A powerful question.

Sonia: Yeah, postmenopausal, sometimes it is harder because as I mentioned before, when you decrease estrogen then your nerve endings shift and change. And they kind of, some of them atrophy, we have less nerve endings. And the nerve endings that we have may not pick up the stimulation at the same rate as it did previously. So that’s why we need more stimulation.

So that’s why I’m talking about wands, because they have an actual motor in their handle. And so basically they have a stronger motor and they can give you a deeper sensation or stimulation and that can help you with that. But I mean, yes, for some women it does not change and for other women it becomes less. And for other women their orgasms become so much more. I’ve heard of a number of women becoming multi orgasmic after menopause. So it can change in every different direction.

But I think the important thing to realize is we have to spend time with ourselves and get to know our body kind of changes. I call it the second puberty. Our bodies change and then we have to figure out what the heck has happened to our body when we go through menopause. How is it going to respond to things? It responds to things differently. So we are kind of, it’s a whole new body and a whole new way.

And we just kind of have to figure out there’s things that may not have turned you on before may turn you on now and vice versa and that’s okay. But we just need to understand our body is changing as we get older and that’s alright that it does that. We just get to learn as well what our body is doing.

Donna: So, Sonia, how do people find the Lit Clit Club?

Sonia: Yeah. So the easiest way to find anything and to talk to me or whatever you want to do is the website. So soniawrightmd.com, that’s the easiest way to get a hold of us. That’s the easiest way to look at the Lit Clit Club, that’s our monthly program, which is $97 a month. And for that monthly program you can definitely get all your questions answered. We have a specific coaching for women over 50. We have women that want to create their dream life.

We have two sex coaching calls a month with me. We have a sexual health call as well with Evelyn Rush, who answers all of our questions. And we’re talking about sexually transmitted diseases and things. Any question that you can have, all those questions about what’s going on with your vulva. She’s a Planned Parenthood person, so she’s been working with them for over 20 years. So we have body image, because a lot of people have issues with body image as well. So we have life coaching as well.

And we have relationship and trauma coaching. And I try to put it all into the Lit Clit Club because I think that this is so important to basically create our best life inside and outside the bedroom. So go to the website soniarightmd.com and you will find all the information about the Lit Clit Club.

And then we also have a small group intensive that’s going to begin in January, it’s weekend intensive where you can work on all your issues around sex and sexual intimacy over a two and a half day period of time and really make a big difference in the year. Alright, okay, it’s been so wonderful seeing all of you Diamonds and talking to you and Donna, of course, I love you.

Donna: Pleasure, good to see you.

Sonia: See you next month.

Donna: Good to see some friends. Take care.

Sonia: Bye bye.

Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast. If you enjoy Dr. Sonia’s fun and caring approach to sexual intimacy, head to soniawrightmd.com to learn more.