Ep #183: Intuition and Relationships

The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast with Dr. Sonia Wright | Intuition and Relationships

As women, we are often taught to prioritize logic and people-pleasing over trusting our intuition and ourselves. But the benefits of embracing intuition are immense! This week, Dr. Kimmery brings her years of experience as a couples therapist back on the podcast to share about the importance of intuition within relationships. 

In this episode, we discuss the connection between intuition, relationships, and love, and how intuition has the potential to shape the way you experience things. We talk about how to be in an active state of love, and how listening to your intuition allows you to be more self-aware of what is happening around you.

Tune in to learn the importance of self-awareness and the positive impact that trusting and showing compassion towards yourself can have on your relationships. Discover how embracing your intuition can be transformative in both your relationship with your partner and your relationship with yourself.

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
  • How to tune into your intuition.
  • Why it’s important to listen to your intuition.
  • Why not taking action affects your relationships.
  • The importance of self-awareness.
  • Why listening to your intuition is an act of love.
Listen to the Full Episode:

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Full Episode Transcript:

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, episode 183 with Dr. Sonia Wright.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Diamonds, it’s Dr. Sonia here. How are you doing today? We are continuing in Women’s History Month talking about intuition and I have Dr. Kimmery here, Dr. K. And we are talking about relationships and specifically, intuition, trusting yourselves in relationships. Now, Dr. K. has had many years as a therapist for couples. What we’re discussing here is just general information. It’s not specifically, she’s not your therapist or anything, but I always like to bring her in because I always like to talk to her and whatever concepts are on my mind.

And she can spin her wisdom, and so kind of project it into what’s going on with relationships. I have a little knowledge and understanding in relationships, but I prefer to defer to those that know so much more. So we are talking about women’s intuition and just intuition in general, and trusting yourself because so many ways our society spends, almost a lifetime with women teaching us not to trust ourselves. Teaching that there’s something wrong with our intuition, that that’s hocus pocus or some feminine energy, bullshitty thing, and we should focus on logic and structure.

And also we’re also taught to be relatively people pleasing. And I’m bringing up all sorts of subjects all in one. And so feel free to just pull out what it is that you want to talk about. But in terms of women and people pleasing, and a lot of people pleasing is not, it’s about not trusting ourselves. Women that trust themselves and know what they want and go after what they want.

They’re very often said that they’re aggressive or that they’re bossy or they’re not a good girl or a good woman or a good wife or a good mother or a good whatever. Because we’re not focusing on other people’s wants and needs and putting them ahead of our own all the time. And so it seems from a relatively young age, a girl that is focused on what she wants somehow is wrong.

If she’s focused on trusting herself and saying what she wants in this world or focused on really having an understanding of intuition and really being connected. Self-trust is what we’re talking about here. I feel I could just keep going on with this monologue, but this is not a monologue. This is a discussion with Dr. K. So feel free to jump in on any of those concepts that I kind of threw out there. I had caffeine before this.

Kimmery: Yes, you did. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. I enjoy our talks about relationships and just the different parts and aspects of knowing. So when I think about intuition I think about self-knowing first. If you don’t know you, then it’s very difficult to pay attention and tune into someone else. The self-awareness piece is very important in this.

As we look at relationships and the ways in which relationships form, how they grow over time. And the ways in which you learn about your partner and their functioning, we must also examine how we know ourselves intuitively. Is there a way for us to discover what we need and be intuitive about our inner workings so that we can tune into the things that our partner needs, so that we can tune into what we see in society as we’re interacting with other people outside of our relationship?

Sometimes it’s difficult to discern whether someone is a good person if you’ve continually been mistreated and you don’t trust yourself. And so being able to look at a situation, look at a person, look within yourself to make sure that you have an understanding of what’s happening in front of you, or at least try to make sense of what’s happening in front of you. Then I think intuition can become a real possibility in your functioning. So I think that’s kind of the initial thoughts that I have about it.

People talk about discernment and those two words can be used interchangeably, discernment and intuition, and having an understanding. And I keep talking about that, I know, I keep saying that. It’s very paramount, though, to the process of intuitive actions, intuitive thinking, intuitive interactions with other people.

Sonia: So there’s so many ways that I could go with this too. So I’m going to start with having trust in yourself. In order to be in a relationship with somebody else and have an understanding of what they might be dealing with and empathy for whatever is going on with them. You have to first have an awareness of self, awareness of your emotions, and to have kind of compassion for yourself as well, intuition, compassion. And be okay with understanding all different aspects of yourself and not coming from a place where this is acceptable, this is not acceptable.

If you just sit with who you are and just be like, “Yeah, I’m pretty good with this. Yeah, I might have some issues with that.” And not from a judgmental place, but just like, “Yeah, this is who I am.” And you don’t have to come from a place of shame because shame is so much. If we are in a place of shame over who we are or how we think of ourselves, then we don’t really get to know ourselves and we don’t really get to trust ourselves.

So this is where intuition, it’s interesting how when you say discernment, somehow that seems like it’s along the lines of logic. It feels a little bit more comfortable. So for my Diamonds listening to this, if you like discernment, because our society says there’s something wrong with women’s intuition. It’s interesting that discernment does not, it seems like more of a masculine trait. I’m going to discern what this is or be more action focused. Dr. K. just told us that’s basically the same thing.

But if you like discernment, if it sounds more logical or if it sounds more comfortable, then yeah, trust and discern who you are and what your life is about or focus on the intuition side of things. But is it interesting that, and I’m just talking about since I don’t have the studies, I’m quite sure they’re out there. But they say that there’s brain cells in the heart and in the gut. And so when you have these gut feelings or you’ve had this feeling in your heart, trust that because that’s part of the logic and the discernment.

So if you have a gut feeling or something in your heart says, don’t do this, don’t go there, trust in that, because it is real.

Kimmery: That can be very tricky too, though.

Sonia: Tell me.

Kimmery: And I don’t want to negate that because you’re absolutely right. If you have this gut feeling, this heart wrenching thing that is anxiety provoking, it’s like, that doesn’t feel right. I’m not doing that. I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to go here or to enter into this relationship with someone or this friendship or more intimate relationship. There is an aspect of definitely needing to trust yourself.

However, if your vision is a trauma one, then it may need to be examined a bit further. And the reason I say that is because when we look at things through a trauma lens, through fight, flight, freeze, FON and others. If we look at things through that lens, then we may very well miss out on the opportunity to have something great. And the reason I say that is because the executive functioning part of the brain does not activate. What activates is the lizard brain, which is the amygdala. And it tells the brain and the body what needs to happen.

And so it’s like people running from, hiding from love or hiding from interaction because it’s scary, because they don’t know how to trust themselves in those situations. And so that’s where self-awareness comes in. That’s where the learning about who you are in the context of health, healthy relationship, healthy self in your intrapersonal relationship, the relationship you have with yourself. That’s where this comes in. And you have to do the work to have the intuition that seems healthy and doesn’t isolate you.

Sonia: Okay, well, I had about eight different thoughts come and go in that period of time. But what I’m hearing is, we learn to trust ourselves, we learn to have that intuition. But we also have to have an understanding of our first reactions and thoughts that came through a trauma lens. If we’ve had a lot of trauma in our lives and we haven’t learned to trust ourselves or trust the environment that we’re in, we might jump to conclusions or we might jump to actions or we might shy away from everything.

So it kind of understands the context of what is happening. If you have a gut feeling, understand and identify what that gut feeling is, but also ask yourself, okay, is this coming from a trauma lens? Or is this coming from a place where, okay, I’ve looked at things and I’ve weighed out options, and then I’ve decided this is my best practice based on it? So I hear what you’re saying about the trauma lens, because I think that it is important to question and ask ourselves, hey, is this coming through a trauma lens?

But at the same time, I want to make sure that we have a connection. And that’s what you’re talking about with that intra relationship with ourselves and that sounds like it comes from the work of knowing who you are. That might take some time if you’ve been disassociated from yourself, basically to understand, okay, in this situation, I might feel, I might be coming from a trauma experience. And so I might jump or I might avoid or I might do this. And so I just need to be aware of that.

And also have a better understanding of yourself. If you’re in a relationship with somebody else, you can kind of understand where they might be coming from as well. When I do coaching with couples, it’s an understanding of, okay, what is the lens that they’re looking through the world? And what experiences does your partner have that could be influencing their decisions and can be leading to whatever types of actions that are happening? So what I’m thinking about is specifically when I’m talking to people about having difficult conversations with their partner.

And there’s something that they need to tell their partner. Maybe they’ve been faking orgasms or they haven’t had a lot of pleasure and they would like to try something new in the bedroom. And very often people will say, “No, I can’t tell my partner that because it would hurt their feelings. Or they might get mad or they might get upset.” But they think that that’s kind of the end of it and we’re talking about intuition.

And then on my last podcast with Lisa, we were talking about the allowing. What if we allowed our partners to have those initial things because they’re coming from the perspective that they’re coming from and not make it a big deal. Now, they might get upset a little bit in the beginning, but I am understanding where they’re coming from. And I know that that’s their first reaction. And then they may need a little bit of trying to process thoughts.

So if I let them be okay with, if I’m okay with them being upset or coming from a fear base with their first thought, oh, my goodness, I’m not pleasing my partner the way I should. And then they have a lot of thoughts about themselves as a person, as a lover, as a partner or whatever. And allow that space for it and then be like, “Hey, let’s start talking from here.” So if we allow who we are and self-trust and intuition, then we can kind of extend that over to our partner in the relationship.

Kimmery: And I think intuition in and of itself is kind of this ability to really kind of have an immediate understanding of something as it happens in real time. And so having to make a decision in real time, is this the right time to bring up that I’m not having pleasure with my partner? They’re stressed. They’re talking about what’s happening at work or an interaction they had with someone that bothered them and they’re trying to reach out for communication. And now is probably not the time, and it’s a reading. It’s self-awareness.

It’s an awareness of what’s happening with your partner emotionally and having an understanding of what they can take at that time. So in real time, you are intuiting, you are figuring out where your partner’s state of mind is. And if their state of mind is one of clarity, then you may ask that question, “Hey, I have some things I want to talk to you about. When will be a good time for that?” And understanding that your partner needs kind of that time to prepare for conversations that are harder.

And so it’s really a process of creating this system of inner work that you do that puts you in a position to be able to make those decisions in the moment about what you’re going to do or what you will or will not do, if that makes sense.

Sonia: Yeah, it does make sense. And it makes me think of what we were talking about before, about the work of a relationship. Love is the start of the work of a relationship. I can’t exactly remember how it went, but basically, there’s the honeymoon period, and then there’s the part where you work on the relationship. So you have the intuition that this is a good time for your partner, or this is not a good time to talk to your partner about stuff.

And you have the conversations and you continue to do what needs to be done in order to bring this relationship along. So as we are in Women’s History Month, and we are celebrating women this whole month, and honestly, we celebrate women all year long on this podcast. But we also have to celebrate our partners, be it if they’re additional women, or if they’re non-binary, or if they are male, or whatever gender they consider themselves. We want to celebrate that and celebrate all the allies that women have during this time and celebrate the beauty of relationships.

And so I definitely want to bring that up. And the basis as part of this relationship is the self-trust and knowing and understanding of ourselves. So that we can therefore, from a place of love and understanding and intuition and self-trust, then it kind of bursts out of us and surrounds and envelopes other people and leads to loving situations as well. So anything else we would like to talk about?

Kimmery: Yeah. One last thing is love is an action word. It is not something that is static, unless you allow it to get to that point. And a part of not allowing love to be static or stagnant is utilizing intuition, is utilizing the inner knowing of your partner. And I think that with the significance of what love can be in a relationship, when you are intuitive in your interactions with your partner, when you know that something’s there. And you provide that support, even if they don’t know that you’re providing that support, you just offer something.

“Hey, can I bring you something? I’m in the area of where you’re working, can I bring you something? I noticed that something’s happening. I don’t know what it is, but I noticed that there’s something off. Do you want to talk about that?” And just an offering of yourself. And understand that sometimes your partner may be like, “No, I’m good. Thank you for noticing.” Or they might be like, “Yes, I do need to talk about this.” And so don’t ignore your intuition, act on it, because it is an act of love.

Sonia: I think that’s really beautiful that love is an action word. So I think we’re going to be ending our podcast with talking to my Diamonds. So love is an action word. And maybe some people call it acts of service. But love is active. It’s not, like you say about the stagnant part, that I have to say that I coach a lot of women that are in sexless relationships. They love their partner, but it’s almost like it’s gotten to this place where it’s not action. It’s kind of like a passive love, where the connection is no longer there.

And it’s like they have a roommate. They love this person. They don’t want to leave this person, but they don’t know how to get back to that active side of love. And I’m not just saying that the active side of love, and you are not saying it either, is sexual intimacy, but that is a component of it. And so for all my Diamonds that are in love, be in love. Be in an active state of love of yourself and also of your partner or partners. This is something, don’t let it stagnate.

And don’t be at a place where your intuition tells you, you need to reach out and do something and you don’t listen to that intuition and you do not act. Every decision where you don’t take an action is actually a decision for inaction, which has an effect on the relationship. So as we’re celebrating this month, we’re celebrating women, we’re celebrating intuition, we’re celebrating action as well.

Alright, Diamonds, you know how much I love you. Thank you for tuning in for this episode, and we will be talking again soon. And we might do a little quick bonus episode at some point in time on the ring. Alright, I love you all, Diamonds, take care, bye.

Kimmery: Bye, everyone. 

Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast. If you enjoy Dr. Sonia’s fun and caring approach to sexual intimacy, head to soniawrightmd.com to learn more.

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Sonia Wright MD

Hi, I’m Dr. Sonia Wright and I’m YOUR SEX COACH! I’m on a mission to end the pain and isolation associated with sexual difficulties and to help women create satisfying sex lives.

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