Ep #116: An Interview with Velvet Flair: Standing Up and Being Heard

The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast with Dr. Sonia Wright | An Interview with Velvet Flair: Standing Up and Being Heard

I’m so excited to welcome another incredible guest this week, Diamonds, as I’m bringing on another member of Own Your Sexuality Now. Velvet Flair has had some amazing breakthroughs after being in the program, and I love talking and coaching with her, so I knew I had to bring her onto the show.

When Velvet Flair joined the program, she was just out of menopause and feeling stuck in both her life and her marriage. She felt like she was in crisis with her husband, knew she needed help, and knew that she had to seek it externally. It took her a while to break the ice and feel open about talking about sexual intimacy but once she did, everything changed for her.

Tune in this week to hear Velvet Flair’s story, some of the thoughts and beliefs she had about sexual intimacy prior to joining the program, and what finally made her seek help. She shares her favorite parts of the OYSN! program, what her relationship with her husband was like versus what it’s like now, and how everything started to change for her once she decided to seek help.

Own Your Sexuality Now is starting in January 2023! This is my signature program for women that I only offer once a year, and I want you to be in there with me. Applications for enrollment open soon, so get on the waitlist by signing up for my free guide, The Busy Woman’s Guide to Enhanced Intimacy here!
What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
  • Why if you want to be happy in any area of your life, it starts with you.
  • How long Velvet Flair hadn’t been having sexual intimacy with her partner before working with me.
  • Some of the thoughts about midlife that enable us to give ourselves permission to make a change in our lives.
  • Velvet Flair’s opinion on the changes we’ve made to OYSN!
  • How she is tapping more into who she is now in midlife than she has in the last 20 years.
  • Why Velvet Flair originally found it so hard to have a conversation with her husband around sexual intimacy.
  • Some of the thoughts Velvet Flair had around joining OYSN! versus the reality she experienced.
Listen to the Full Episode:

Featured on the Show:
Full Episode Transcript:

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast episode 116.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello Diamonds. I am so excited to talk to this amazing woman. This is another person that has been in my Own Your Sexuality Now course and has had some amazing breakthroughs. And I just love talking with her and coaching with her. And so I’m going to introduce you to Velvet Flair. And I’m going to start by asking her why she chose the name Velvet Flair?

Velvet Flair: Hi, Dr. Sonia. I’m happy to be here. Happy to hear your voice again as well. So Velvet Flair, well, when you asked us to choose something fun or something that describe us, I thought, I always like the touch of velvet. It’s something for me that is a little bit luxurious. And the sound of Velvet Flair, I thought it sounded good. It has something a bit musical to it. So yeah, that’s why I probably chose it. I thought for a day, velvet flair, velvet flair. Yeah, kind of good, kind of good.

Sonia: And we were talking right before we started this recording about the fact that in some of my previous Own Your Sexuality Now that we changed our names all the time. But in this Own Your Sexual Now intimate, people really got intimate with their names. We didn’t change them around. And did you see some sort of connection with your name?

Velvet Flair: I did and it was always a privilege in a way, I remember was always Wednesdays and entering that space of being connected with others. It’s very intimate but very safe, taking Velvet Flair was, I start smiling about it right at the beginning. So it’s a good thing to have another name because it allows you to maybe say things you wouldn’t say normally under your real name. You know what I mean? Because you don’t really know the others but because you take another name, well, it gives you a little bit of permission.

Sonia: Yeah, kind of like Clark Kent in Superman. You have that persona, you get to change your identity and be who you want to be. And it’s almost like you put on the identity of Velvet Flair and get to get in that space of Own Your Sexuality Now like you said, it’s a safe environment where then you can let out everything that you want to let out. And you also don’t have to worry that who you are in the space, the safe space of Own Your Sexuality Now, that information you share.

And we do get very intimate, it doesn’t necessarily go out and follow you out in the other, but it does in some ways. It becomes integrated to who you are.

Velvet Flair: Yeah, exactly. And listening to the others. At the beginning I remember I wasn’t used to be part of the women’s group talking about such intimate things. And it took me a while to break the ice. And although you had always good ways to start the meeting always with something to do, choose a music that would make you smile or it was different topics. And that helped me anyway to get more comfortable talking about intimate things.

Sonia: Yeah, it’s kind of like two levels. On one level you’re getting comfortable about talking in a group. So we would have an icebreaker like go around and say, “What’s your favorite color and why?” And so then you’re kind of talking and connecting already. And then we start with the next layer about sexuality and about what’s going on in your life.

Velvet Flair: Right, exactly, yeah.

Sonia: I’m going to ask you, when you first started, can you tell us a little bit about what was actually going on in your life when you started working with me, with the OYSN group?

Velvet Flair: Okay. Well, I was stuck in a word. I was stuck and I was just out of menopause. And I had a lot of reason to ask for help because with my husband we weren’t in a kind of a crisis but we were not talking. So that was stuck. And I was stuck with myself. I was, how can I say? I felt I wasn’t myself and it was going on for many years. And I wasn’t allowed to be myself. And I was analyzing my past and I was kind of alone. And I felt I really need help so which is good because I was not qualified to help myself at that point, it was too much.

And I was not intimate with my husband, yeah, and the non-verbal things were growing in the room, like the elephant in the room, it was huge. It was almost dangerous. I thought dangerous in the way of losing my marriage and I didn’t want to go there at first. But I thought, you know what, yeah, and I remember, we had a big discussion. And it was bad, it was really, really bad. So after that I heard you talk on another podcast. And I was walking outside with my earphones and your voice was there. And I thought, you know what? I’m going to do this.

I’m going to contact this person and I’m going to go for help. It was really important I think that day in my life because I think things start changing when I took the decision to seek help because I couldn’t do it on my own.

Sonia: So you were married and you’re in a relationship. And you said that you weren’t talking about the issues that we’re going on. And you said that you weren’t having sexual intimacy with your partner. How long had you not been having sexual intimacy with your partner?

Velvet Flair: Five years, maybe more, yeah.

Sonia: So you would definitely say you were in a sexless marriage, sexless relationship?

Velvet Flair: Absolutely, yeah.

Sonia: Okay. But were you still getting along with your partner outside of the bedroom as I were to say?

Velvet Flair: Yes, we were sort of but it was tense. It was not enjoyable in the sense we were not relaxed. We knew there was something going on. And when my husband wanted to be intimate with me I was very closed. So I was the one who closed myself for many reasons maybe we’ll talk about later. But one of the reasons, because I was believing stuff that actually are not true. I was believing that when you menopause that’s it, you don’t have sex. You don’t enjoy sex. It all, what it does it hurts so the end. That was for me like, okay, sex, no, the end.

Although I had good sex in my life but it was like no, I don’t want to talk about it. And if we would talk about it, my husband was sometimes exasperated about the situation. And he would start talking about and I would be very closed and no, I wouldn’t receive it. You know what I mean? I wouldn’t be open to it.

Sonia: Yeah, because you didn’t know what to do. You had a conversation and if your mind is telling you that it’s over once you hit the menopause age and that everything is going to be painful and nothing’s going to be pleasurable anymore. The great sex that you had before is behind you and it’s never going to be there again. If all those thoughts were in your mind it’s hard to have a conversation.

Velvet Flair: Yeah. It was practically escalating very quickly. So we were avoiding the same or if we talked about it was out of control. And it would be offensive then we would be hurt with no way to get out of it. So it was not constructive and I knew we need help. And I knew I needed help more because I thought I was the big reason why the marriage was not working, it was me. All about my menopause, me being unable to receive pleasure, to be open to pleasure. I was closed to it. So it was all my fault. So guilt was enormous. So I was carrying guilt on top of everything.

So it was so terrible that I shut the door. I was shutting the door of that place because it was dark. And I was just living my life on the side of it but not really tapping into some real joy. And it doesn’t need to be super sex all the time but it was a time of my life where it was pretty grey, yeah.

Sonia: And I understand that because I was in a sexless relationship for a long time too. And you do start feeling there’s something wrong with you. And you take on all the blame. And in our society as women we’re taught to take the blame, that we must be the problem. And if you’re coming from a place where you feel like you’re the one at fault, and you’re the one that’s broken, and it’s all your fault, and all your problem. There’s nowhere to go.

So what made you think that it was possible that something could change? What made you think that enough of this, I’m going to do something about it?

Velvet Flair: Well, when you were talking on that podcast you were exactly addressing ideas or realities that women are confronted with, mid aged women like me. And that’s how I respond right away. I thought, these are exactly the questions I need to think about and go deeper and open new doors. I need to, well, the commitment to get help came after. But because you addressed those questions of blame, feeling shame or feeling it’s all because of me, I’m the one who’s terrible. So I was following bad path.

And you kind of in that podcast, you talked about it right away. So I thought, hey, this is a thing. Maybe I’m not alone here. And maybe there’s a misconception maybe. And it’s exactly what happened is I learned that because we don’t talk. Anyway I don’t talk so often to even friends about my intimate relationship with my husband. I just don’t do that. I don’t have maybe that level of friendship maybe, I don’t know, but it’s not something I feel super comfortable even talking to my sister or certainly not with my mom, certainly not.

So it’s an education thing, it’s a cultural thing, it’s what society thinks. And we talked about it and we addressed that in the initial meetings. And that was for me so – how do we say that in English? It revealed an opening for me, permission to think differently really.

Sonia: Yeah. So I love that you say, permission to think differently because that’s what it’s all about. If we can shift our thinking, that does revolutionize things and open up everything and reveal that there is a possibility that there is a different way that I get to look at this and a different way that I get to be in this. But I think it’s also interesting that it comes at midlife because I’m quite sure some of these issues were there before you turned 50. But then something happens in midlife where we give ourselves permission to say, “It’s time for freedom. It’s time to look at this. I want a different life.”

So when you think of midlife, what do you think it is about midlife? What are some adjectives or thoughts that come to mind about midlife for you that give you the ability to decide that it’s time to change?

Velvet Flair: Well, it’s time for me. It’s a time for myself now because I gave so much to everybody, to my previous marriages. The way I was raised, I give, give, give, give. And I’m amazing for others but not for me. So was time, be amazing with yourself, just be yourself and discover who you are. It was crazy. It was a bit scary at the beginning because it was like, who are you actually? Who are you?

So it was also all the homework we had to do from week to week, it was pretty confronting sometimes because the sheet was blank like okay, really which color do you really like? And I was like, “Interesting.” But midlife is, yeah, I have enough of it. I have enough and you don’t have eternity in front of you. When you’re young you think you have forever. But when we get old we see others getting sick, very sick, die. And you see people disappear of your life. You see life is now, it’s now, more than ever it’s now.

You do something about it or you just continue in that tunnel. And you kind of live half your life. And I decided, I want to live my full life and it’s work, it’s work, and it’s work. And it’s confronting. And it’s not always comfortable but my goodness the results are amazing. And it’s an everyday thing also. Once you commit, you realize it’s every day, it’s when you wake up, it’s every day.

Sonia: Yeah. You commit to life for you, you commit to being amazing for you. I love how you say you’re amazing for other people at the first part of your life. You think that we’re supposed to people please and do everything for everyone else. And then we get to this point where we’re like, “You know what? This is my time. This is time for being amazing for me and to create a life that I want.”

Velvet Flair: It’s funny because since then I tell my husband, “You know, I am amazing.” When I do something during the day, “You know what? I’m pretty amazing.” It feels like, okay, if somebody else would listen to this they would say, “She’s so arrogant.” But I really feel that I am tapping way more to who I am now than the last 20 years almost.

Sonia: And look what you accomplished in such a short period of time. You are amazing. You are always amazing. You always had that capacity but when you put it into action, changed your thoughts and decided that you wanted more for your life then everything changed in your life. So good.

Velvet Flair: Yeah, professionally too. Of course we were in COVID time. It was not easy the COVID because we were stuck at home all the time. My husband and I, we both even work together sometimes. So it’s pretty intense, when there’s an elephant in the room, oh my gosh. And when you don’t leave the room it’s [crosstalk]. It was kind of like celebrated almost through COVID because it was the time to think, to hey, we have time.

Sonia: Yeah, definitely. So let’s talk a little bit about the logistics of being in Own Your Sexuality Now. So what was it like being a part of Own Your Sexuality Now? And I also call it OYSN.

Velvet Flair: Yeah. It was a special place in the week, one hour, it goes really quickly. But well, this is an hour where you see others. You listen to others that share their stories. It’s so moving. It’s so real. The women are so honest, honesty. And yeah, it was the logistic, it was pretty easy to go to access the Zoom call. It was all functioning very well. And I even had one Zoom call I was in the middle of a huge park north of where I live. And it was windy, rainy but I was still there listening and exchanging and sharing.

So no, I would say that the way it’s set up, it’s very good. And also what I appreciate of it is all the material that accompanies the meeting, all the worksheets and all the information, you’re very generous in sharing a lot of things on the website. And the access to all the podcasts also are amazing. So in a way now that I have done two sessions, two groups, it’s still there in my life because I know I can access the podcast whenever I want. And so I never feel alone.

Sonia: Yeah. That’s what this is about, never feeling alone and really having that connection. And that’s why I used to have OYSN and it was more like a webinar format where I would sit and talk and then coach through the chat and things like that. And I realized it was missing that real connection and the connection comes from seeing people and being on the video calls. And I wanted to preserve the anonymity with that.

And so that’s why we still have our fun names that’s in there, the Velvet Flair but at the same time, something about the week after week and seeing people’s faces and connecting, so I know that definitely. Can you talk a little bit about the connection that formed between you and other members?

Velvet Flair: Yes. Well, it was every week. The group would change a little bit, some could attend, some not. So it was changing. But to see everybody and the exchange with the other women, we would get more and more comfortable. And even I connected maybe more with one person. So we will continue to have connection out of the Own Your Sexuality Now. But yeah, the connection was always very openminded, and honest I would say, yeah.

Sonia: Yeah, definitely. And so what would you say was your overall favorite part of OYSN?

Velvet Flair: Well, it was definitely the meetings. And the, yeah, the worksheets, how do you call, worksheets? Yeah, that’s very good. But the meeting, that was for me the point where I thought I’m not alone and I can talk. And I got more and more comfortable with time to really express what I feel, what I need and not to be shy and think I’m not enough, or all that crap. I’m not good enough, I’m not this enough, blah, blah, blah, so that was not there.

Sonia: Yeah, you just get to be in the meeting and you are a 100% of the time. And we do record and upload but only the audio, not the video. So when you’re in the call live there is the video going. But then when we upload it for replay if you want to listen to something again, it’s just the audio. Just so everybody that’s listening to this call understands that. And we do that to preserve your privacy at another level but at the same time you can go back and listen to the coaching that you received and the coaching that other women received in that group.

And you can continue, as you say, to tap into that and learn and know that you’re not alone.

Velvet Flair: Yeah, and it’s always available even after the weekly coaching, it’s always available. So if you want to reflect on one topic more specifically and you’re ready to, because the thing is, it goes pretty – how many weeks is it, 12?

Sonia: It’s 12 weeks.

Velvet Flair: 12 weeks. Yeah, it goes quickly the 12 weeks but then to digest really everything, it takes time. I’m slow and I’m fine with being slow. I’m fine, I’m not complaining. But I need to tap again, and reflect again, and go deeper. And then take a break and come back. It’s not like everything’s changing right away, no, not for me anyway, it takes time. But to have access to those calls and to reflect on it later on in another time where you don’t have the meetings every Wednesday, that’s very important for me anyway.

Sonia: Yeah. And you do have access to these calls later on. And every group I kind of uplevel. Every time I do the group I think of what do my Diamonds need? What do my intimate Diamonds need? And so this time around we added in the relationship coaching and we had Dr. Kimmery come in. And how did that help you? What were your thoughts about having somebody that has done years of relationship work be able to kind of give guidance on that side of things?

Velvet Flair: It was great, it was great timing for me because I had questions specifically about relationship. And Dr. Kimmery, she was so efficient. And I really appreciate two times I think, she was twice there, right?

Sonia: Yeah.

Velvet Flair: And she was answering and giving good tools, so smart tools. And I was writing everything down but I listened to the recordings after and no, I thought that was very good to have her around towards the end because, yes, we talk about sexuality. But to be intimate for me in my relationship, it’s about the relationship, first of all it’s how to exchange in the relationship. And you can be intimate if you address some specific questions that are important that makes things being stuck or not flowing. So she was very helpful for me, yeah.

Sonia: Good, because we are continuing that.

Velvet Flair: Good, yeah.

Sonia: The relationship coaching is continuing to be a part of it, so that’s really good. Now, tell me, how has your life changed? What’s changed on the other side of OYSN?

Velvet Flair: Well, first of all my relationship is much healthier and open. And we decided to go through the difficult conversation instead of avoiding it because it was, or I avoid and I stop this relationship. And we both looked at that picture of if we split, what’s the life after and all this. And so both together we decided to stay with each other and go through the hard conversation. And we learned a lot because we’ve never been through those hard conversations. And you don’t die from that.

Just do it, it’s hard but if the other is willing and you find a special moment for that, not when everybody’s stressed out or no, but you say, “You know what? We should have a conversation, let’s say next week, Tuesday at two.” And the other prepares and we meet and we have a hard conversation, well, for us it did a miracle because we’ve changed our relationship. We’re much more open, much more relaxed, much more ourselves and grateful to be together near each other, really near physically. And the tenderness is back, is there. And it’s growing, it’s growing.

It’s changing and we don’t want to leave each other. No, it has been kind of a – I wouldn’t say a miracle because it’s work. It doesn’t happen like that, it doesn’t fall from the sky or hey, happy marriage, yay. No, no, no. But it’s worth the commitment of a try but I wouldn’t say it’s easy. You have to go through some discussions, some hard discussions. But when you learn how to open up to listen, to give it chance, to be, I would say generous maybe and not having misconception and accept the other. Well, I think it makes you be a better person in a way.

Even my husband changed. This is for women what you do, but men, if you’re in a relationship with a man the man will have to change too because there’s [inaudible] there.

Sonia: So how did your husband change?

Velvet Flair: He admitted that he was also in misconceptions about menopause, he admitted that, he was pushing me the blame. And he saw things that I was seeing but he was not seeing. So he saw things that were happening and he apologized. And he saw, okay, we went a really bad path there. And he was in a bad path. Also his education, his sexual education, his whole background, we are in our 60s now. So I think he loves me more. I think he loves better.

Sonia: He loves better, wow, I love that. He loves better. That’s so beautiful. And we went to the book club too, so we were reading at that time. So you could share the book and information you were learning as well.

Velvet Flair: Yeah, that book, oh my gosh. It’s so mind blowing.

Sonia: And I choose books that are definitely going to be educational, books that I’m learning and people in my group are learning as well. And they’re sharing that with their partners which is so wonderful, definitely. So how do you think your sexuality has changed for yourself, and for your partner, and your relationship, how do you think that has changed?

Velvet Flair: Well, it has changed totally in the way that we think of sex differently now. We’re closer physically to each other. So I have toys now that I thought, before it was, I’m not that type of person. It’s such a, you know, I’ve come a long way to be able to say that I enjoy those toys because it’s healthy. I mean your sexuality is part of you and it’s not because you’re late 50 that that’s it. No.

Sonia: No. You’ve got 30, 40 more years ahead.

Velvet Flair: Yes. And it’s giving you permission to be, how can I say? Near your body and happy with your body, celebrate nature, it’s nature at the end. I’m very near nature. I’m a person who loves the forest and walk and meditate and yoga, and all that. And the body is nature. So if you just cut it out or you don’t – and giving yourself pleasure, it’s a beautiful thing. And because of our education, it’s terrible that, it’s amazing. That’s mind blowing how the society makes it so hard for women. That is one thing that I’m blown away by over the classes with you is that reality and it still is.

Sonia: Our bodies are beautiful and they’re meant for pleasure. And then society comes and sticks all these thoughts in our head from a relatively young age. And we don’t access that. And when we’re not accessing that, we’re not fully living our lives. But we’re not fully in our relationships either.

Velvet Flair: Yeah. So if you want to be happy in any part of your life, it starts with you, it starts with you and your connection with yourself. Not just the mind but the body is all connected. So, no, I think it’s important to start to, yeah, reset. It’s a reset button.

Sonia: A 100% yeah, it is a reset button. And I love how you say that you have to do the work. If you’re going to just sit, you will get something out of the course. But if you come and do the work, have the hard conversations and just coming weekly and talking about sex. People have told me again and again, it impacts their life in different ways. They’re more comfortable talking to their partners, to their friends, to their daughters, to other people in their life about sex and sexuality.

And so the course, it directly impacts you but it impacts so many people around you. It can impact your sexual relationships and your partnerships but it can impact family relationships as well.

Velvet Flair: Absolutely, yeah, it opens up the eyes on your own family, on how you grew up in that family and then now how you are, you know, I work with teenagers and kids. And it’s way more the reality now and how I could influence, through me being happier I can influence young people just by my energy being just a better energy, not better, but how do you say? Honest or more like I am really, not faking anything.

Sonia: Authentic, yeah.

Velvet Flair: Authentic, that’s it, thank you, authentic, yeah.

Sonia: And you get to show up as you.

Velvet Flair: Yeah. And the kids, they react to that.

Sonia: Exactly, yeah. So the work you’re doing for you, it’s interesting how we’re taught that we have to be selfless and we have to take care of everybody else’s needs. And we can exhaust ourself by trying to take care of everybody else as women. But when we actually take care of ourselves we can positively impact so many other people’s lives without even having to run after and do this, this, this and be busy. It doesn’t have to be about being busy. It could be about being authentic, and genuine, and showing by being an example of how you can live your life.

Velvet Flair: Yeah, absolutely. I teach a lot too. So that influences also my teaching, how I teach. So how I communicate to others because I feel better with myself. And I accept that I’m powerful. That’s a thing I don’t want to see it. I was scared of that energy of that power I have. And now I accept that I have a beautiful energy and it’s very powerful actually. So I was scared of it. I was putting it down.

I was putting myself down because it was intimidating others sometimes and I thought, I shouldn’t go there or I shouldn’t be that 100% person I am because men in particularly were intimidated. So for years, and years, and years I learned to shut up. And I learned to shut up in all sense. And now I’m back and it’s amazing what it does. And it’s just the beginning.

Sonia: It’s just the beginning. And you know what I love as well? Is that we have women of all different ages in the class together. And so you’re living your best life and they are actually seeing you and they get to make that choice and decision in their 40s as opposed to waiting for their 50s or 60s. So that’s another level of another way that you get to empower yourself and empower other people as well.

Velvet Flair: The thing I learned is to say, “Stop. Stop, don’t go there.” My boundaries, I learned that. It’s not so long time ago that I had to say stop to someone very near me and say, “You don’t approach this, you don’t come, this is not my luggage, it’s your luggage. You’re not giving me your luggage, you keep that. I’m not taking it.” And it’s a relief.

Sonia: And that’s exactly, women are asked to take on the baggage of the world and to do the work that other people need to do and no time to do the work for ourselves and honor ourselves. But when we have those boundaries and we say, “I hear what you’re saying and I’m giving this back to you because it actually is not my issue.” In a very loving respectful way. “I hear you. I know this is bothering you but I also recognize that I can’t change you, and your life, and your perspective. That is up to you to change. And I will be over here to support you but I’ve got shit to take care of.”

Velvet Flair: Exactly. The way I did it, it was, “I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having a hard time.” It’s learning to put those words in my mouth and say, “I’m not taking that energy, I’m very sorry you feel bad but think about it.” And like you say, I’m here to listen but I’m not taking it on me. So that is lifechanging. So it’s yes, it’s about sex but I think it’s way more also than sex.

Sonia: Way more, yeah. It is, it’s about sex but it’s about empowerment. And how we do one thing is how we do everything in life. So we get to this point where we’re talking about the sex and the sexuality but we recognize that the empowerment around sexuality also becomes empowerment around our life in general, yeah, exactly. So what do you think of your future? What do you think is the next thing you’re working on?

Velvet Flair: Well, it’s exciting. It’s very exciting, I feel very young. And I’m going to celebrate my 60th in January. I don’t believe it because I don’t feel that at all. So it’s just a number but I see it’s exciting. It’s exciting what’s coming up. It’s nothing dark. I mean we have beautiful projects, my husband and I. And no, it’s open, and it’s strong, and I take the time to ride the road, to go the road. How can I say that? Instead of taking all decisions on my retirement, it has to be now. No, I’m taking the steps and I just take the road.

I’m on the road in the present moment. And I try not to go to anxiety like what am I going to do in 10 years? Where am I going to be? So actually it’s more enjoyable that way.

Sonia: It sounds like a wonderful future, to recognize there is a future but stay present right there. Wonderful, I love that. And so when you were going and you’re thinking of joining OYSN you probably had some thoughts that kind of were kind of scary as to what might happen. So what do you think your thoughts were when you were joining versus the reality that you experienced on the other side of OYSN?

Velvet Flair: Well, I was shy to join because I didn’t think I would be comfortable speaking to others about my problems, about my issues. That changed. So from the before and after, so that group of Wednesday and seeing other women like me, it took me a while to speak up and to ask questions. But once it started I felt, hey, I can actually do this. I can actually say what’s on my mind without being judged. There’s absolutely no judgment there. So actually it was such a – how do you say? Mind opener.  And it happened at the right moment. I was lucky in a way.

But yes and no, I was seeking help, listening to other podcasts and trying to get answers through what I can reach. But I didn’t – how can I say that? I was not expecting, okay, I’m going to follow the meeting every Wednesday. And then I’m going to have an amazing sex life after. That was not my expectation at all. I wanted to address intimate things and personal things. And I knew somehow that it would affect my sexuality and it did, it did affect my sexuality. But I didn’t know what to expect really.

To be honest, I didn’t have a really specific goal, you know what I mean? And like I’m going to be after this, I’m going to be fixed. No, it was from one time to the next, a growing process and a learning process.

Sonia: Yeah. Well, I saw your transformation during the course and it was really amazing, the work that you did. And where you started, yes, you were quiet and you were taking it all in. But then you exploded on the scene and that flair, that velvet flair came out. And we all got to witness it and it was a gift for us to be there and to witness, and to be there to support and get support from you. It’s a giving and a getting. And you’re right, you don’t know what, it’s kind of a leap of faith. So I want to thank you for that faith in me to go into the group and the faith in you that you could change something.

Velvet Flair: But it was scary because you didn’t know which direction. It’s scary in a way because you never did that. I never did something like that. I had therapies before but nothing like that. And so it could have gone different directions. But the faith was there for sure, the time in my life that you know what, I’m in my late 50s, go ahead, do it. What do you lose? Nothing. You gain more than losing. And I gained way more than I thought. That’s the thing, I was not expecting all this and it gave me way more than I thought at the end and it still does.

Sonia: So we’re at the end, do you have any advice for anybody that’s thinking that they might want to do OYSN?

Velvet Flair: Well, I think if you’re facing questions in your life about yourself and about your abilities to glow as a person, you do glow, you have that inside of you. And if meeting could help you do it, because it’s just going to give you freedom and give you tools to access that freedom and really who you are. It is about sex, it is about intimacy but it’s about you. In this society and the time we are in this life on this planet, it’s extremely important I think for women to go through this. And we should have access, every woman should have access to that. And we’re so lucky.

Those who knows you, Dr. Sonia, we’re so lucky. It’s true because it’s very accurate, not accurate but for how the world is today and what we’re all going through, we need that. We need people like you, yeah.

Sonia: Thank you so much, thank you for being on this podcast. Thank you for being in my group. Thank you for being you, Velvet Flair, you are truly amazing. Thank you so much.

Velvet Flair: Thank you so much.


This is a public service announcement. OYSN is starting in January of 2023, Diamonds. And for you that may not be familiar. OYSN stands for Own Your Sexuality Now. It is my signature program for women and I’m only offering OYSN once a year. I love this group and I want you to be in this group with me. Enrollment opens for a short time at the end of November and into the beginning of December. So, let’s start the new year with a new empowered sexual you.

And as always, I like to ask questions so here is a question for you Diamonds. How is your sex life? No, really, on a scale of one to ten, how is your sex life? You know I’m all about the intimacy in midlife. If you rated the intimacy in your life as less than an eight then we need to talk. I’m personally inviting you to check out my Own Your Sexuality Now intimate edition. The last group that went through this, they were on fire. Women of all ages from 35 to 65 were learning about their bodies, expressing their sexuality, empowering their lives and doing it on their terms.

Couples who had not had sex in years found a new level of sexual fun and established new intimacy. Other women learned about their bodies and tapped into their pleasure zone. Another one learned about setting boundaries and focusing on her pleasure for the first time in her life. Another Diamond got the independence she needed to change her whole life. Amazing.

OYSN is not just about sex, it’s about empowerment, and it’s about pleasure. And the new class is starting in January of 2023. So come join an intimate group of women for 12 weeks and literally change your life. Let’s create that amazing sexual intimacy that you deserve. If you are in your 30s, or 40s, or 50s, or even older, this is your time and this is the place for you. You potentially have 30 to 50 more years of sexual intimacy ahead of you. What do you want that intimacy to look like?

Let’s get real and let’s talk about what’s going on with your body, your libido, your life, let’s see what we can do to kickstart that intimacy. This program is for you whether or not you have a partner, this is about you and sexual intimacy with yourself first and then with anybody else that you choose. So, if you’re a woman who wants to enjoy all aspects of her life then this is the program for you, it finally gets to be your time.

So, click on the link in the show notes or on my website soniawrightmd.com and grab a copy of my Busy Woman’s Guide to Enhanced Intimacy. And get on the waitlist for Own Your Sexuality Now, the intimate edition. I can’t wait to see you. Talk to you soon, Diamonds. Dr. Sonia out.

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Sonia Wright MD

Hi, I’m Dr. Sonia Wright and I’m YOUR SEX COACH! I’m on a mission to end the pain and isolation associated with sexual difficulties and to help women create satisfying sex lives.

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