You are in for a fantastic treat today, Diamonds! As you know, I have been doing a series where I’m interviewing Diamonds that I’ve worked with, and I’m talking to them about coaching, the Own Your Sexuality Now! Program that will be opening for enrollment soon, and what it’s like to go through the program, the process, and overall changing their life.
As women, we sometimes fail to recognize the state that we are in in our lives. We are taught that our desires aren’t a priority and that we should stay in situations that don’t serve us no matter what because of what other people might say if we don’t. But we often don’t realize just how much pain this causes us, and this is exactly what was happening to Juicy Fruit, who felt like she was slowly dying inside in her marriage.
Tune in this week and hear what was going on in Juicy Fruit’s life when we began working together, what made her realize she was unhappy for so long, and what made her decide to finally change things. The OYSN! course is about empowerment, choosing and loving ourselves, and Juicy Fruit shares how she learned to discover her own importance, what her situation was like when she first started working with me versus now, and how she finally learned to realize her innate value and worth during the program.
You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast. I’m Angela, Dr. Sonia’s podcast producer and this is episode 115.
Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.
Hello, hello, hello Diamonds. Today you are in for a fantastic treat. I am so excited. I have been doing a series where I’m interviewing people that I have worked with, Diamonds that I have worked with. And talking to them about coaching and the Own Your Sexuality program which you know is going to be opening for enrollment pretty soon. But I know that some of my Diamonds may have questions about what it’s like to be in OYSN and what it’s like to go through this podcast and change your life.
So I asked some of my clients and people that have gone through OYSN to come and talk to me and Juicy Fruit has just – I don’t even have words for her. She is so amazing. And I wanted to have her come and interview you so you can see, one, because I admire her so much and what she has done in her life. And then for you to also see what is possible for you. This is really all about what is possible.
So I’ll just start by saying, Juicy Fruit, thank you so much for agreeing to come and talk to me and let’s have a discussion about your situation, what it was like when you first started working with me and what it’s like now. And just what it’s like going through OYSN. So first of all, I need to ask you, why are you called Juicy Fruit? I have my Diamonds name themselves. So what was it about the name, Juicy Fruit that you liked?
Juicy Fruit: Initially we had names to pick from. And when I was growing up I remember the chewing gum, Juicy Fruit. I loved the color yellow when I was younger and it just, the yellow reminded me of sunshine and happiness. And I was like, “Okay, let’s go with Juicy Fruit”, so it stuck.
Sonia: Yeah, I love it. Okay, so I’m going to ask you some questions and here’s the first one. Can you tell me a little bit about what was going on in your life when you started working with me?
Juicy Fruit: Actually I ran across you on Facebook. There was an advertisement. And it piqued my curiosity because I grew up in an era where talking about sex was taboo. And so when I saw about owning your own sexuality which I did not at the time, I thought, well let me check this out, see what this is. And I never ever normally click on advertisements from Facebook. But I thought, let me check this. And I just knew it was for me. And so I’m very glad I did because at the time that I did that I was lonely.
I was living a life with no fix in it, my husband had cancer. And so I had chosen to remain in my marriage because I had made my vows, till death do us part. And I was going to stay in it until death do us part. And so even though there was no sex involved, I had just decided I need to find out about [inaudible].
Sonia: And so you said that you were very lonely. Can you tell me a little bit more about that?
Juicy Fruit: Living with a person who did not show me any affection at all. Most of the love that I got was from my children, my hugs came from people at church, or from my children, or when I’d go have lunch with my girlfriends, I’d get a hug. But as far as that was from my husband, he was dealing with his own demons at the time. And there was just no intimacy at all in our marriage.
Sonia: And sometimes there’s no intimacy but there’s connections, emotional connections in other ways with your partner. Did you feel like you were emotionally connected or had things been going on for a while before the cancer, what was that?
Juicy Fruit: There were things going on for a while. I had been living in an abusive marriage, verbally abusive, didn’t even recognize it myself until I had gone to a domestic violence seminar. And as I sat there listening to women talk and giving descriptions of their lives I was sitting there thinking, oh my God, this is me. And sometimes as women we fail to recognize the state we are in, in our lives. My generation grew up with you just stay no matter what.
And so my focus was, I was going to stay because of how my mother felt, because of what people in the church would say. Because I didn’t want to disappoint my kids. And so I was just in it for a lifetime not recognizing that I was slowly dying inside.
Sonia: Slowly dying inside. Now, thank you so much for using those words because this is what I find a lot of times when my Diamonds initially come to me. And they’re like, “I need coaching, I want to have more sex or more intimacy with my partner and I don’t seem to be able to do that.” And then they’re often, and this is not with all people but this does happen where if I ask a little bit further, “What’s going on in your life?” If I didn’t ask and I just said, “Okay, you want to have sex, let’s go ahead and do this.”
But I’m not the type of person that’s not going to just talk about sex without the context, the entire context of a person’s life. And when we uncover what’s going on in a person’s life verbally abused, this for women especially, not all women but for women more so than other genders, there has to be a connection there. The emotional connection has to be there. And I always say that sexual intimacy is based on overall intimacy and based on communication.
Juicy Fruit: Yes, absolutely.
Sonia: Yeah. And so often we come from this perspective where the women come to me and they’re like, “There’s something wrong with me, I’m not having sex with my partner. I must be the problem.” And then we look at the whole situation and we find out that it makes a 100% sense why there’s no intimacy going on. If there’s verbal abuse happening, if there’s where you’re thinking about what other people, like making everybody else happy, the focus on, I want to make sure my kids are happy. I want to make sure the people at church are happy.
I am numbing out in this relationship in order to make sure that I do the good thing that I was taught to do and to make everybody else happy. But then we usually get to this point in our lives where we’re like, “I am not happy at all.” So you get to this place where you’re like, yeah, this is happening and we may not even realize it until somebody points it out like in this case where you went to that conference. And then you’re like, “Wait, these are some things that are happening in my relationship as well.”
So what made you decide to change it? What made you decide to say, “Enough?”
Juicy Fruit: As I was going through the course for one thing because before I made my big decision I was still at home. And as I was going through the course I began to discover my own self-worth. And I think that’s something that we as women don’t recognize is our own self-worth. We are so busy trying to take care of everybody else that we put ourselves to the side. We don’t have time for us because we’re too busy taking care of everybody else. And so as I was going through the course I realized, wait a minute, I’m just as important as everybody else.
And then I start looking at what I was accepting in my life and the fact that I had two doors. And then I start to question myself, what are you teaching your girls? Is this acceptable? And then when my answer was no, that’s when I knew I needed to make change.
Sonia: Yeah. So you got to this place where you started realizing your value, your innate value. And society trains women that our innate value, our value comes from the things that we do to make other people happy in their life, taking care of the kids, taking care of the family, taking care of partners. Doing everything out there so we look like the good woman. And we fail to realize that we are the good woman from day one. We don’t have to do anything.
And so I love how you say when you’re in OYSN is where you realize that your worth is not based on what you do, it’s based on who you are. It’s based on the being, not on the doing. And I want everybody to listen that’s listening to this message to realize that the course if not just about the sex. It’s really about overall empowerment and how we get to choose ourselves and how that enhances our lives and also does enhance the sexuality in our lives ultimately. So that made you think and say enough.
And this happens often that we may not be there 100% to make the decision based on ourselves. But when we look at the other women and girls in our lives and we’re looking at who are we as a role model and what do we want for their lives, often that does influence us. So I love that part of it as well. So why do you think midlife, why do you think this time was the time that you were ready to look at the truth of your life and to make some decisions, why midlife?
Juicy Fruit: I think when we hit midlife we discover that time is no longer our friend. We’re looking forward to the number of years that we have left but we realize how many years have already passed. And it’s like an awakening. When it hit me it was like, what are you going to do? You’ve been sitting in this numb state for years, you can either stay there or you can make a change and start living. And I decided I wanted to start living. And going through the course, I started falling in love with me.
And I recognized that I could not, not love me and live a healthy life. So once I started loving me it was like, okay girl, let’s get it and go.
Sonia: Let’s get it and go. So I love that you’re talking about the course, OYSN and while you’re in this course is when things are happening. Let’s talk a little bit more about logistically what is it like to be in the course? Because when you’re in the course what was your overall experience in the course?
Juicy Fruit: I thought it was a lot of fun. It was very enlightening. There was a lot of self-discovery. I had to discipline myself to do the work because you can’t go through the course and not do the work. You can listen all you want to, but you do have to make a commitment to yourself to do the work. So I would go back through the lessons and even after, sometimes if I didn’t get to the lesson before we had our meetings I would go back over it again. And sometimes I would just review it because there was so many questions I had.
And like I said, from a woman at my age because I’m past, way past 60, and it was so much discovery for me. And so I also discovered that I wasn’t the only woman going through this. I think that helped me tremendously to know that I was not alone. There were other people going through the same thing I was going through. So that was a tremendous lesson for me.
Sonia: Yeah. So when we’re talking about the course there is modules, there’s 12 modules in the course and each module has a short video to listen to and it has a worksheet, which has maybe six questions on it. And it really starts to get you thinking. And then you’re right, the way that I’ve set out the course is so that you connect with the other women in the course and you realize that you’re not alone and that they’re there to support you and you are there to support them.
And you also inspired so many people as you went and saw who you were when you started this process and who you are now. What were your worries before you started the course?
Juicy Fruit: Whether I would be able to even look at my own body differently because I kind of peeked through all the lessons. And there were things that I had never done as a female. So that kind of worried me. Talking, I didn’t know that I would come out of my shell to open up and talk but everything changed.
Sonia: A 100%. What did you think when you heard that the videos would be on during the coaching calls?
Juicy Fruit: Exciting because I got to see the other women although we had different names. I liked the autonomy of not being able to have your own name put up there, just a face. But the women I just loved listening to their stories. And then it made me want to share my own because from their stories, it was helping me so I felt like my story would help somebody else, so I began to open up.
Sonia: Yeah. And I think that you had original come through my YES program where there wasn’t videos at one point in time.
Juicy Fruit: Yes, initially when we started out, yes.
Sonia: When you first started out. So what do you think the benefit was of being in a program where the video was on and you could actually see and interact with the other women versus kind of just sitting and listening to what I had to say?
Juicy Fruit: I think it’s so much better to be able to see people’s expression, see where they are when you saw their facial expressions. And then see the light bulb come on as you go through the course and the changes that are taking place. And seeing women discover who they are and being proud of themselves. And just holding your heads up high and say, “Okay, I have value.”
Sonia: Yeah, it’s like a transformation. It’s so wonderful and I’m always honored to be a part of this process. What was your favorite part of OYSN, did you have something that you really loved, a module, just the course or anything?
Juicy Fruit: My favorite part, checking out my body and I know that’s probably kind of different from what people would say. But just learning about my own self, learning that I wasn’t dead, I thought my libido had died. And so as I went through that, that was my favorite part of the course, was finding out that my libido was not dead and that took work for me.
Sonia: What did you have to do?
Juicy Fruit: Well, the first time I went through the course, I was a little squeamish if I tell the truth. The second time, I said, “If you’re going to do this, let’s do it, let’s do it.” And so I got the mirror and checked myself out. That was something I had not done before. You might look, glance but never just discover. And so I took time to discover and took time to find out how I felt and the things I liked. So that was a good part of the course for me.
Sonia: Yeah. You did some amazing work in that course and you discovered how amazing you are. Your body is made for pleasure and you deserve that pleasure. Let’s see, what else do I want to ask you? So what has changed in your life since going through OYSN?
Juicy Fruit: Well, I’ve gained a new perspective of who I am as a woman. And I realized that I deserved better than what I was going through. And so I start making steps to change my life. When I first started I think it was back in 20, this is 2022 now, so it had to have been 2020. I moved out this year. This was the year that I actually made a change. I went through the course twice before I realized I really needed to make a significant change in my life.
And I would recommend to anybody going through the course, yes, do it the first time, pay attention to what you’re doing but do it again for yourself. Because every time you go through the course you discover something else. And so this year in 2022 I made a significant change because I finally, I say got enough guts to stand on my own two feet and I moved out of that environment. I was in a toxic environment and I moved out into my own place. And so that gave me the freedom to really discover who I was. And so I’m in a much happier place now.
Sonia: Yeah. And it’s interesting, when you first started, I’m just thinking of the transformation of just your smile alone. Now when you were in our last group the smile was so beautiful, and so broad and you had so much energy and you were open. You were telling me you were traveling. You were living your life, right?
Juicy Fruit: Absolutely. Absolutely. And that’s who I am.
Sonia: And that brings up a good point that once you purchased the course and you’re in the course, you can do the 12 weeks. If you want to do another 12 weeks and be in another group and then just it’s the rebloom part of the program. And you just pay a nominal fee and you do it again. And people are like, “Well, why do I need to do the course again?” It’s a different experience each time. And she’s nodding her head here.
Juicy Fruit: I agree. I agree, absolutely, every time it’s different.
Sonia: And I think it’s different because you’re in a different place, your starting place from one rebloom is different from where you end up. So each time you’re taking it at a deeper level. But then also the women that are in the group with you, some of the women remain and some new women come in. And so it makes the group a whole different group. So it’s just a wonderful environment and it’s really been an honor to see you bloom in this course. And you have your own place now.
Juicy Fruit: Yeah, absolutely, with my own colors and everything that I wanted instead of what somebody else wanted. I’ve been able to do that. And I sit in my space and I feel good because it’s peaceful, quiet, sometimes too quiet but it helps me to gain a lot of perspective because I’m in a different place in my life.
Sonia: So what do you think was the main thought or the main thing that had to change about your thinking for your life to change?
Juicy Fruit: I had to discover my own importance. I thought everybody else was so much more important than me. And I realized I didn’t love myself because I was more concerned about what somebody else thought or how somebody else felt. And going through the course I realized it’s not selfish to love yourself. And that was a great self-discovery, that knowing I am not being selfish. This was affecting my health, it was affecting my mental stability, my emotions, everything was in an upheaval. And once I made that decision my whole life just changed.
It was a transformation for me. It was like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly.
Sonia: And 100% a butterfly. And what specifically about your sexuality has changed, what do you think has changed around that?
Juicy Fruit: I discovered things that I like. I had never bought sex toys before because that was another taboo and so going through the course it piqued my curiosity. And I finally ordered a toy and that was my discovery that my libido wasn’t dead.
Sonia: I remember when you text me about it.
Juicy Fruit: That was hilarious. But that was just so much fun, just discovering me, just learning things that I love that I liked what I felt. And even colors that I like, it was just a whole awakening. I call it an awakening for me.
Sonia: It’s definitely been a wonderful journey. So what do you think you want to focus on in the future?
Juicy Fruit: Still discovering more about myself because even at my age now I’m way past midlife. I turned 70 at August. But I’m still discovering me. And that’s the thing I think is weird, women don’t recognize, we don’t know ourselves as well as we think because we’re just so busy doing everything else. And when you have time to just stop and sit and reflect you realize your own value. And I looked back at my life and I saw the life I was breathing into other people but I wasn’t allowing anybody to breathe life into me.
And so they always say you can’t give from the empty vessel. That’s so true and so going through this course, it was breathing life in me. So I love you Dr. Sonia, you just gave me a whole new outlook on life, so thank you so much.
Sonia: You’re welcome but honestly, you did it for you. Everybody likes to say, “Dr. Sonia, when I went through this course, this has changed my life.” But you did the work, you’re the one that said, “Okay, I’m going to have to look at my body. I’m going to have to look at my life. I’m going to have to see and I’m going to have to be uncomfortable emotionally while I do this work in order to grow.” So it’s been an honor being your coach along this journey but I also want to make sure you recognize what you have done for you.
Juicy Fruit: Yes. I worked on me and I realized, yes, I have to do the work. My big decision was, yes, I may be 70 but that’s not the end of my life. There are still new things that can happen for me. I realized that there were a lot of hurt. There was anger that I had to deal with. There was disappointment that I had to deal with and recognize that I didn’t want to be a broken woman. If the time came that there would be someone else to come in my life to love me and care for me, and treat me right, I wanted to be whole.
I didn’t want to bring baggage. So that takes work, you’ve got to work on yourself and get rid of the baggage.
Sonia: Yeah, 100%. And the fact that you realized that it’s not about somebody else coming in and saving you. It’s about you saving yourself, you valuing yourself enough to make a difference in your life and do what needs to be done.
Juicy Fruit: And making decisions that if nobody else ever came into my life, I’m happy with me. And I’m going to do the things that I enjoy and I’m going to buy the things that I like. And I’m going to travel and go to the places that I want to see.
Sonia: A 100%. So, Juicy Fruit, it’s been an honor. Thank you so much for coming on my podcast and talking so people have an understanding of what it’s like to be in the group. Definitely I would love other Diamonds to be in the group. And I just want to thank you so much for coming on and letting people know what’s been happening in your life. And I just love you, so thank you so much.
Juicy Fruit: Thank you, you’re very welcome. Can I add one thing?
Sonia: Of course, yes.
Juicy Fruit: And discovering yourself sexually, it’s not so much about the sex as it is loving yourself because you can’t have good sex if you don’t love you. That was a discovery I made going through this. You’ve got to love you, you’ve got to know that you deserve an opportunity to have pleasure.
Sonia: A 100%. I can’t think of a better way to end. Did you hear that, everyone? You deserve the opportunity to have pleasure and it’s yours, it’s your right. Own your sexuality, own your pleasure, empowerment, beauty, all of it. Thank you so much, Juicy Fruit.
Juicy Fruit: You’re welcome, have a wonderful day.
Sonia: You too, thank you.
This is a public service announcement. OYSN is starting in January of 2023, Diamonds. And for you that may not be familiar. OYSN stands for Own Your Sexuality Now. It is my signature program for women and I’m only offering OYSN once a year. I love this group and I want you to be in this group with me. Enrollment opens for a short time at the end of November and into the beginning of December. So, let’s start the new year with a new empowered sexual you.
And as always, I like to ask questions so here is a question for you Diamonds. How is your sex life? No, really, on a scale of one to ten, how is your sex life? You know I’m all about the intimacy in midlife. If you rated the intimacy in your life as less than an eight then we need to talk. I’m personally inviting you to check out my Own Your Sexuality Now intimate edition. The last group that went through this, they were on fire. Women of all ages from 35 to 65 were learning about their bodies, expressing their sexuality, empowering their lives and doing it on their terms.
Couples who had not had sex in years found a new level of sexual fun and established new intimacy. Other women learned about their bodies and tapped into their pleasure zone. Another one learned about setting boundaries and focusing on her pleasure for the first time in her life. Another Diamond got the independence she needed to change her whole life. Amazing.
OYSN is not just about sex, it’s about empowerment, and it’s about pleasure. And the new class is starting in January of 2023. So come join an intimate group of women for 12 weeks and literally change your life. Let’s create that amazing sexual intimacy that you deserve. If you are in your 30s, or 40s, or 50s, or even older, this is your time and this is the place for you. You potentially have 30 to 50 more years of sexual intimacy ahead of you. What do you want that intimacy to look like?
Let’s get real and let’s talk about what’s going on with your body, your libido, your life, let’s see what we can do to kickstart that intimacy. This program is for you whether or not you have a partner, this is about you and sexual intimacy with yourself first and then with anybody else that you choose. So, if you’re a woman who wants to enjoy all aspects of her life then this is the program for you, it finally gets to be your time.
So, click on the link in the show notes or on my website soniawrightmd.com and grab a copy of my Busy Woman’s Guide to Enhanced Intimacy. And get on the waitlist for Own Your Sexuality Now, the intimate edition. I can’t wait to see you. Talk to you soon, Diamonds. Dr. Sonia out.