Ep #193: Impossible Intimacy Game

The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast with Dr. Sonia Wright | Impossible Intimacy Game

In the early mornings, I often find myself pondering the vast potential of our ever-expanding lifespans. Imagine living until 120 or even 150 years old – suddenly, being in our 40s, 50s and 60s, feels like just the beginning. Reflecting on my childhood dreams, I remember wanting to be a mother in my 30s, and the magic is that it basically came true.

Today, we’re focusing on harnessing that childhood creativity and imagination to transform the impossible into the possible, especially in the realms of intimacy and sexuality. My clients often come to me seeking guidance on these deeply personal aspects of their lives, and it all begins with a simple thought – a spark of curiosity about what could be.

Tune in this week to explore how you can redefine what’s possible in your intimate life. Diamonds, whether you’re looking to reconnect with a partner, overcome performance anxiety, or discover new dimensions of pleasure and understanding, the journey is worth every twist and turn. Whether you’re seeking a deeper bond, contemplating an open relationship, or simply looking to enhance your current one, embracing the game of impossible intimacy can lead to a more fulfilling, pleasurable, and authentic life. Are you ready to play?

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
  • How the potential of your extended lifespan can shift your perspective on midlife and beyond.
  • How to tap into your creativity to make the impossible possible in your adult life.
  • Strategies for addressing and overcoming performance anxiety in intimate settings.
  • How to approach personal growth and intimacy with curiosity and an open mind, turning challenges into opportunities for a more fulfilling life.
  • The possibilities of deepening bonds, opening relationships, or enhancing existing ones.
Listen to the Full Episode:

Featured on the Show:
    • Get in touch with me: Email | Website | OYSN 
    • Click here to find out more about the Sexual Intimacy Coaching School and to sign up for the waitlist.
Full Episode Transcript:

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast Episode 193.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together to create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified Life Coach and Sexual Counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hey, hey, hey Diamonds. How are you all doing? It’s Dr. Sonia. It’s early in the morning and we are going to have a little time together. So, the last podcast was all about having that “no regrets” life. And that’s something that’s so important for me, and hopefully something that’s important for you as well. 

It was also about “the impossible game”. Hopefully, you started thinking about what has been impossible in your life that you’ve actually accomplished. And it’s also got you thinking, “What am I going to work on and accomplish over the next 60 years of our life together?”

Right now, the life expectancy is somewhere between 80 to 100 years, right? But maybe by the time we get to that stage in our life, the life expectancy might be more like 100 to 150. Wouldn’t it be crazy, if actually, right now, if we’re in our 40s, 50s, or whatever, we’re actually only 1/3 of the way through our life? Imagine that. If scientific and medical advances are such that we live to 150 years, that kind of puts things in a new perspective, right? 

And maybe, just maybe, you would be interested in playing this “impossible game” and figuring out what it is that you really, really want in life but you think is impossible. Because maybe, just maybe, you have enough time to make it possible, to make the impossible actually possible. 

Hopefully, you’ve had enough time to review other things that have happened in your life already that would have been deemed impossible, but you have made it possible, right? Doesn’t that kind of put some perspective on all of this? 

Yes, that’s kind of how my brain thinks, even early in the morning. I’m like, “Wow, what if I’m actually only a third of the way through my life? That is really crazy.” And it makes you even more committed to health and other things like that; exercising and eating right. 

So, we talked about having this “no regrets” life, and we also talked about playing that impossible game; something that means so much in your life that it’s important to do whether or not you succeed at it. But if you don’t start, there’s no way that you can succeed at it. So, do we want to shift the impossible into the realm of possibility? That becomes a really good question.

Remember when you were a kid and you spent so much time dreaming and thinking about who and what you wanted to be and do when you grew up? During that level of creativity, maybe you thought you’re going to be an astronaut or a pilot. Maybe you thought that you were going to be a mother. 

I remember in the 1970s, or something like that, thinking that it would be really cool to be a mom at the turn of the century. And at that time thinking, “Oh, my goodness, I’ll be 32 years old. There’s no way that I could be a mom at 32, that is way too old.” Because back at that time, 32 was pretty old to have a child. 

And then, when the turn of the century actually came, I lived in San Francisco at the time, nobody was having kids until their 30s. Right? So, that was just the normal thing to do, was to have kids in your 30s. I ended up having a child right about at the turn of the century, which ends up being really cool. But that thought was in my mind a bazillion years ago, and then it came into reality. You just never know what exactly is possible, right? 

Today, I wanted to talk about understanding that anything that is possible now probably started out as being impossible at some point in time. And we get to use our imagination and our creativity to shift things from the impossible realm into the possible realm.

As a life coach, I deal with this every day. People come to me and they have hopes and they have dreams and they’re not sure if it could be possible, but they want somebody to guide them and accompany them on this journey from the impossible to the possible. 

Everything starts with a thought, and the thought might be, “This is 100% impossible,” but still there is a thought, there’s a kernel, there’s something that says, “I would like to explore this a little bit.” And then there’s something within them, a want, a need, a desire, that would love to shift it from the realm of impossible to possible. 

That’s why people tend to talk and work with life coaches and sex coaches, just because they need somebody to be with them along the way. Yes, I’m a life coach. And yes, I’m a sex coach. 

So, let’s look at what that impossible to possible looks like in the realm of sex coaching. Let’s talk about the impossible sex game, or the impossible intimacy game. What in your sexual life, intimate life, right now do you think is impossible to change? What do you think is an impossibility when it comes to sexual intimacy? That’s my question to you. 

The reason I start with the impossible game, just in life in general, is to show you how many examples there have been in your life where you have changed so much. And that is also possible in the realm of sexual intimacy. So, let’s talk about that more. What would you change in your life around sexuality and intimacy, if you had the opportunity to change it? I’ll give you a minute to think about that, because there’s some reason that you’re listening to this podcast. 

Okay. Okay. I understand it may be because I’m just fun and amazing, right? And hanging with me for 15 or 20 minutes, that sounds like a lot of fun. Yeah, sure. I’m a lot of fun, but that’s probably not the whole reason why you decided to listen to this podcast. 

At some point, you heard something that made you think, “Let me listen to this person. Maybe they have something to teach me, something that I could ponder or something to entertain me.” But there’s probably a kernel, a seed of something that made you think it can go from impossible to possible. And that’s why you tuned in, and that’s why you continue to tune in. 

The first step in this impossible intimacy game is to identify what you actually think is impossible. What do you think is impossible when we’re talking about sexual intimacy? Do you think it’s impossible to really enjoy yourself? Do you think it’s impossible not to feel shame around sex? 

Do you think it’s impossible to have an orgasm? Do you think it’s impossible to reform a connection with your partner? What are the things that you think are impossible around sex and sexual intimacy? What is your impossible intimacy dream? 

One thing I have to bring up, which is kind of a disclaimer, is that there usually is a twist along the way. We start out with something that’s impossible, we’re not sure that it can ever come to fruition, that it could ever be a possibility. But I do know that a lot of things do actually turn into possibilities. And then they do come to fruition. But they may not look exactly the way we thought it was going to look. Right? There usually is a twist along the way. 

You know me, I definitely believe in the “Universe”. I believe in a higher power. And when we get to the point where we’re asking for whatever it is that we want, the final outcome might look different than what we actually think it’s going to be. It usually ends up being better than we imagined was possible, but it may not exactly look like it. 

For me, when I think back to 1998, when I wanted to become a mother, I had just started medical school. I thought, “Hmm, this is probably going to be the best time to have a child in my entire career. I’m not quite sure when I’m going to get another opportunity. It’s not going to get any easier. So, this is when I’ll probably end up being a mother of this one child. Let’s see if we can do this.”

That was kind of what I was thinking as I went into this process. In 1999, I had Julian, which was amazing and wonderful. I thought that would be my only child. Fast forward to 2024, I am the mother of four children. I only gave birth to one. They’re not quadruplets. I only gave birth once, they’re not quadruplets, and I’m a mother of four. 

So, when we put something out in the Universe, and we have an impossible goal and it becomes a reality, we don’t exactly know what that reality is going to look like on the other end. That’s kind of what I have to say. 

I’ve worked with so many Diamonds over the years, because I do private coaching as well. Not very often, but I do do private coaching. And also working with my Diamonds in different groups. Many of the Diamonds have come to me because maybe they want to increase the frequency of sex. 

So often women come to me and they’re like, “My partner is complaining that I’m not having enough sex. Just help me have more sex.” They’re not particularly interested in it, and they’re just like, “Just to help me increase the frequency.” 

That actually is an impossible game that I don’t really ever want to play with. If you’re not enjoying sex, and you just want to increase the frequency, let’s look at this. So, we sit and we discuss, really, what is your impossible sexual intimacy goal? And realizing that it is more than just frequency of penetration, if they’re in a heterosexual type of relationship. That it’s more than that, right?

So, that twist turns out to be more pleasure, more connection, which ultimately can lead to more frequency of sexual intimacy. But it looked a little different than what they thought it was going to look like when they started this process, right? 

Other Diamonds have come and worked with me because they want to have an orgasm. They want to have an orgasm with penetration, or they think that that is what they need to have, in order to have to qualify as good sex. And they may find out that their body actually has always been having orgasms, it just looks a little different than what the erotic books or movies or whatever look like. 

And so, they recognize that their body does orgasms in a different way, that is unique and wonderful for them, and that doesn’t necessarily need to change. Their awareness of what their orgasms feel and look like, that needed to change. 

Or maybe they needed to recognize that they needed to add in clitoral stimulation. Only 15% of women actually have an orgasm from penetration alone. 85% of women need some stimulation to the clitoris. So, maybe that has shifted things to have a better understanding of what their body needs, right? Maybe that’s what their orgasms within sexual intimacy looks like. 

A rather impossible game involved learning to love and appreciate their body and their pleasure. It looked a little different on the other side than what they did when they came to me and they’re asking for assistance.

Other Diamonds were wanting to open up the relationship. They felt that it was time to open up their relationship. We did the work together, and they did open up the relationship. 

They thought their impossible game was opening up the relationship, but it actually was having a more committed and loving and appreciative relationship with their first or their primary partner. And that’s what they didn’t necessarily think was going to happen. They thought they would just understand polyamory a little bit better and then that’s what they would do. 

They did not understand that if you want to stay committed in your first relationship, you have to start with love and romance, and make sure there’s a strong bond and connection with the person that you want to open the relationship with. The original relationship has to be in good, healthy standing. If it’s not in a good place, opening up the relationship when your primary relationship, or your first relationship, the original relationship is not healthy is not necessarily the way to open up a relationship. 

Eventually, they might have opened up the relationship, but they found so much more in their original relationship as well. So, that might be something.

Do you notice that there’s this trend? You have an impossible goal or impossible sexual intimacy idea. It shifts over time, and what you end up with is something even more. And the process along the way is really amazing. 

Other people wanted to open up the relationship because their first relationship was not working very well. So, I might have worked with them one time, and they ended up creating an incredible relationship with their primary or their first relationship, and then going on and opening up the relationship. 

Others realize they didn’t actually want to be in a relationship with this primary person, it was not healthy for either one of them, and they chose to end the relationship. That’s not exactly what they were thinking was going to be the plan originally. And so, things happen. The person that they became along the way, and the process along the way, became something very amazing and beautiful for them, right?

Maybe some Diamonds came to me because performance anxiety was killing their intimacy. They came because they wanted to figure out how to perform without the anxiety. And they learned that sexual intimacy is not a performance at all, right? It’s about a connection with themselves and their body, and any other person they choose to share their body with. 

There are no Oscars given for sexual intimacy. This is not about a performance or acting or being a sexual kitten, or any of those things. It’s about actually being in the moment, in the sexual intimacy, and enjoying yourself. It’s about that. It’s about you, definitely. It’s about connection. It’s about pleasure. 

So, what they learned actually was, they had to fire themselves as an actor, and their concept of performance. And then shift it around to really enjoy themselves, to slow down, to focus on the pleasure. 

Do you hear that? Pleasure, pleasure, pleasure. So many women come to me and pleasure is not the top thing on their mind. Yes, I have an agenda. I have an agenda. And the agenda is to reunite women with their bodies and with pleasure, and the impossible goal to weave in pleasure and love and self-love in there. I guess that would be my horrible agenda. But it’s so important when we’re talking about the intimacy game, right? 

Diamonds, what does your impossible intimacy game look like? All you need is a willingness to try. A willingness to hope. A seed of a belief and understanding. And willingness to say to yourself, “Maybe, just maybe, this impossible game, this impossible intimacy game, maybe it is actually possible.”

There also needs to be an understanding that when we go to play this impossible intimacy game, whatever the goal is, whatever the dream is, that there may be some sort of twist involved in this, and that is okay. It turns out, along the way, the results may look different than what you thought they would look like. But they’re usually a better fit for what you want and who you are, and who you have become along the way. 

So, whatever the results, the impossible intimacy game is one worth playing. Because on the other hand, it usually involves more connection, more satisfaction, more pleasure, a better relationship with yourself, a better understanding of yourself. Probably more connection, if you have a partner, more connection with that partner. And ultimately a better life. 

And if we have possibly 100 more years, even if we only have 40 more years on this earth, we really get to play this game. We really get to have the intimacy that we want in our life. So, what is your impossible intimacy dream? Are you willing to play the game? Are you willing to live a “no regrets” life when it comes to sexual intimacy? That is my question for you Diamonds. 

You know how much I love you. I love you so much that I do have an intimacy agenda for you. Which involves loving yourself, loving your body, having connection with yourself, having connection with other people, pleasure. And recognizing, in midlife, your life can be whatever you want. You have the ability to shift anything from impossible to possible. It is possible. You can create that sexual intimacy of your dreams, and you get to do it and enjoy yourself. 

Okay, Diamonds. That is the episode for this week. Love you so much. Talk to you later. Lots of love. Dr. Sonia out.

Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast. If you enjoy Dr. Sonia’s fun and caring approach to sexual intimacy, head to SoniaWrightMD.com to learn more.

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Sonia Wright MD

Hi, I’m Dr. Sonia Wright and I’m YOUR SEX COACH! I’m on a mission to end the pain and isolation associated with sexual difficulties and to help women create satisfying sex lives.

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