Ep #21: Impossible Goals

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast, episode 21.

Female Announcer: Welcome to the Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello Diamonds, it’s Dr. Sonia. And I hope you’re doing well. We are in the last week of January of 2021. That went so fast and I’m amazed that we’re already through the first month in 2021. And I’m looking forward to the rest of the year because I have a feeling that it’s going to be an amazing year for you. And it’s definitely going to be an amazing year for me.

So every year my mentor and teacher, Brooke Castillo of The Life Coach School spends the months of December and January looking at goals, specifically impossible goals. What exactly is an impossible goal? I think of an impossible goal as a goal that sparks your imagination. That allows you to dream, but also one that sets your mind on fire. Your mind does not believe that it’s possible and it definitely does not believe that it can be done within a year. Your brain says it will never happen but you go for it anyway.

So last year I declared an impossible goal of starting a podcast as well as leaving my radiology job and transitioning to a full-time life coach. I don’t recommend two impossible goals, really one is enough. But as I mentioned previously I’m kind of an overachiever when it comes to goals. My brain said, “There’s no way. There’s no way that this is going to happen.” And I just let it say that. In fact I said, “Yes, I know this goal’s impossible so don’t worry about it and I’m going to do it anyway.”

Acknowledging that the goal is impossible alleviates some of the stress. It helps you to understand that it’s not going to be a perfect process. And you know what? It wasn’t. Halfway through the year it really did not look pretty. It looked kind of messy, let me tell you. I had not figured it out. I had to be willing to fail at both goals and actually fail again and again. In terms of the podcast I had joined podcasting groups. I had done DUI podcast kits and I kept going at it but I wasn’t figuring it out. And I didn’t have the answers.

And then I made a decision that I was going to keep going and figure it out no matter what. Finally I acknowledged that I needed some help with this podcast thing. And I reached out to Pavel and his amazing team. And he helped me get it up and running. And so here I sit five months later and I’m at episode 21. That is amazing. That blows my mind. And it was done. My impossible goal was done but what about my second impossible goal?

My second impossible goal for 2020 was to transition to become that full-time life coach that I wanted to do. I had had this goal for at least three years. I had been thinking this for a long time. But let’s be honest, it was a dream. It was just in the realm of being a dream. It basically stayed as a dream for two out of the three years and I didn’t see any progress at all. I saw progress when I decided to make it an impossible goal at the end of 2019. About halfway through 2020 I still did not see how it was going to be possible, how it was going to work out.

But in August of 2020 I made the decision to transition out of my job without having it all figured out. It’s kind of like stepping out in faith. I had made some money in my business but not necessarily enough to leave my job and to have a secure financial future.

But I also needed to give six months notice and so it kind of had to be stepping out in faith because I didn’t know what was going to happen in that six month period of time. Now, I don’t necessarily recommend this but I did still put in my resignation. And sometimes that’s what you have to do with impossible goals. You have to go out on faith even if you don’t a 100% believe it. And let me tell you, it was not pretty. It was actually kind of ugly.

And now my BFS, like Tangie and Brig Johnson, they can laugh, and TaVona Boggs, they can laugh at me because they remember the day after I made the decision. And the fact that I just didn’t get out of bed for hours, I was just like, “Oh my goodness, I’ve made a decision, what was I thinking? Yeah, the life coach, Dr. Sonia was not managing her mind to say the least. But I kept at it, I kept doing the work. I kept doing the planning. I kept envisioning it. And at the end of 2020 it was not done, honestly.

My impossible goal was still kind of an impossible goal, I had not transitioned out. But I’m happy to say that I am going to be transitioning in the month of February of this year to a full-time coach. So yeah, it didn’t happen in 2020, it took till 2021. But this had been a dream in my mind for a number of years before that. And the only way it came to fruition is when I made a decision to go for an impossible goal and my impossible goal did happen. It didn’t happen on the perfect timeline and it did not happen in the perfect way.

And as I mentioned before, it was kind of messy. Usually when you’re dealing with impossible goals there’s a string of failures between you and achieving that goal, this is normal. It’s actually kind of reality. It’s very rare, if ever that you can achieve a goal on the first attempt. So I want to make it clear that the path to your goal is usually messy and full of failures and that’s okay. That’s really the way it is. That’s the way you do this.

So in 2021 I have a new impossible goal which is to positively impact the sex lives of 500 women with my Own Your Sexuality Now course. You all know my audacious; my big, big goal is to impact the sex lives of a million women. Well, I’m starting with 500 and I’m going to work my way up from there. I know that these 500 women will impact the lives of their friends and other family members.

So the work that I’m doing with these 500 is going to make a difference in other people’s lives. Maybe it’ll be easier for one of these women to talk about sex with their daughter, or with their sister, or even with their mom. You never know what could happen. You know what? I don’t know how it’s going to be play out exactly but I just have to be willing to start and be willing to fail again, and again, and again on my way to my amazing goal.

You know what? It’s the same way with goals around sexual intimacy. So let’s talk about your impossible goal as it relates to your sexual intimacy. We already talked previously about approaching this goal from a place of mindfulness and not beating ourselves up.

Now, let’s look at it from approaching the goal from a place of it being an impossible goal. So have you thought about your sexual intimacy goal for 2021? What does that impossible goal look like to you? And what do you think that it’s going to feel like when you accomplish that goal? Are you willing to do the work to achieve your impossible goal?

Are you willing to fail again and again in the pursuit of the sexual intimacy goal for 2021? So maybe your goal is to increase the sexual intimacy in your relationship or maybe it’s to initiate sex 52 times in 2021. Maybe it’s to have a more open communication with your partner. Perhaps your goal is to have 20 intimacy dates with yourself in the year. Maybe it’s to process all the thoughts that are blocking you from buying your first sex toys online.

If these goals feel impossible, that’s okay. Just label them as impossible so that your brain does not freak out and then just work on it, just go towards achieving your goal. Recognize that you’re going to go on a journey over the course of this next year. It’s going to be a journey and it’s not necessarily going to be a pretty perfect journey but it’s going to be your journey. This is a very important part to hear, this is very important.

You are not currently the person who is able to accomplish the goal right now. But over the course of the year you’re actually going to become that new version of yourself who is able to accomplish the goal, so you don’t have to worry about it. Part of the impossible goal is the process of you becoming that next level version of yourself. And this is such a good part about the goal and it makes you have to up-level to the better version of yourself. So you are going to evolve and grow into your future self by experiencing epic fails along the way.

Now, Brooke Castillo talks about 25 epic fails to be exact, 25 of them every three months. So you have to be willing to fail and not fail over the course of the year, or not wait for most of the year to go by and then have your epic fails at the end. But you’re going to consistently be doing epic fails throughout the whole year. The way to success is paved by failure, this is no different. There is no other way.

You have to be willing to try something new and to fall on your face again, and again, and again and to learn something. Don’t make the same mistake over again, Process, evaluate, figure out what to do, look at what obstacles are going to be in the way and figure out a plan but recognize that failure is going to be part of this plan. So what are you willing to fail at in order to accomplish your dreams? Are you willing to initiate sex weekly and face rejection with your partner?

Are you willing to have the difficult conversations with your partner, maybe around faking orgasms, or that you’re not getting the pleasure that you want, or that you’d like to bring a sex toy to the bedroom? Are you willing to look at your vulva and explore your anatomy and figure out your pleasure zones? Are you willing to visit the online sex toy store site and begin to learn about vibrators?

And while we are at it let’s also talk about belief, you know what? You don’t have to start at a 100% belief when you’re working on your sexual intimacy goals. You could start with 10% belief, you could start from, yeah, it’s possible that I could have those 20 dates with myself and figure out self-pleasure. It’s possible, I don’t quite believe a 100% but it is possible. And you know what? That’s part of the process. You need to grow that belief while you’re working towards your goals. It’s part of the thought work that’s required to achieve your impossible goals.

Belief happens before results happen, you start with 10% belief. You start where you are right now with belief. And you grow that belief while you are growing the results. Whatever it is that you have to do just be willing to try and just be willing to believe, just be willing to take the next step. And be willing not to have it all figured out. Really the key is actually just to be willing, to be willing to try, to be willing to fail, to be willing to believe, just to be willing.

Be willing to have your epic 25 fails in the quarter. But most importantly, don’t fail ahead of time. Don’t give up. Don’t fail by not trying. Go forward, be willing to try.

So let’s recap things that we’ve been focusing on. Identify your impossible goal and agree with your mind that it’s impossible. Be all in, yeah, it’s impossible definitely. Come up with a plan. Come up with a plan and also know that this is probably not going to be the plan that gets you to your final goal. But this is the plan that gets you to start, to put one foot forward. Be willing to initiate that plan. And be willing to put the 25 epic fails into that plan and do it per quarter and head towards your goal. And make sure not to fail ahead of time by giving up or not even trying.

Not trying is not an epic fail, it’s just a fail and it’s a fail ahead of time. Start working on your belief. Allow that belief to grow while you are working on your big impossible goal. And if you need a refresher refer back to belief and how to cultivate your belief garden. And just remember to keep going, keep going, don’t stop. You may not achieve your impossible goal, your impossible sexual intimacy goal this year.

You may not actually even achieve it next year. But if you keep going you will achieve it eventually. And you know what? You would have gotten there faster than you would have any other way. And your impossible goal will not be in the realm of dreams, but it will eventually be in the realm of reality. So go after your impossible goals. Have your epic fails, Diamonds, go for it.

I actually have a bracelet. Every year I buy a new bracelet that’s associated with my goals and my dreams and my impossible goal. And the bracelet that I have says, ‘belief, fail, manifest’. And those are what I think is required in order to achieve your impossible goal. That’s how it’s done, Diamonds.

Okay, till next time, Dr. Sonia out.

To celebrate the launch of the Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast I’m going to be giving away a $50 Amazon gift card to five lucky listeners who subscribe, rate and review the show on Apple Podcast. It doesn’t have to be a five star review, although I would really love it if it were a five star review. But more importantly, I want your honest feedback so I can create an amazing show that provides tons of value.

Visit www.soniawrightmd.com/podcastlaunch to learn more about the contest and how you can enter. I’ll be announcing the winners on the show in an upcoming episode.

Okay, that’s all for now, see you next time Diamonds.

Female Announcer: Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of the Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast. If you enjoy Dr. Sonia’s fun and caring approach to sexual intimacy, head to soniawrightmd.com to learn more.