Ep #68: Impossible Goals 2.0

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast episode 68.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Well, hello, hello, hello, Diamonds. Once again we are back together and having a great time. How are you all doing? I hope you’re having a wonderful holiday season and getting ready for the new year. And I hope your time is full of love, and cheer, and connection, and of course, pleasure. Well, I am doing well up here in Minnesota in this 10 degree weather. And I have to say that I’m actually pretty happy about the weather. I moved to Minnesota from California back in 2004 to do my radiology residency at the Mayo Clinic.

And I made a promise to myself way back then in 2004. I was like, no one is making you go to Minnesota, Sonia. So if you are going to go you need to embrace it all including the weather. You need to be all in because nobody is turning your arm and forcing you. You’re choosing to go to Minnesota. And I really did believe that there was a reason I was meant to leave California and move to Minnesota. There’s something in me that told me that this is where I was supposed to go. And you know what? Yes, it was the right place for me and I know that’s kind of crazy.

But right now all I can tell you is that I just got home and I was recently at the top level of a parking ramp and it was freezing cold, it was 10 degrees out, with the wind chill it was probably getting closer to zero. And I was so grateful for that 10 degree weather. One thing that you may not know about Minnesota is that the colder it gets the clearer the sky is. And the sky is gorgeous and bright. And the air is crisp, and it’s clean, and it’s clear. It’s just really fantastic. I can’t even tell you how beautiful it is out here.

Yeah, yeah, you could die if you stay outside too long. Kind of a minor inconvenience but you certainly feel alive in the meantime. So I want to thank Minnesota for being so wonderful and amazing. Well, along with the holidays and this extreme cold weather also comes the time of the year when we start thinking about our impossible goals. And yes, since I already had an impossible goal at the beginning of this year, I’m calling this episode, Impossible Goals 2.0.

In the past episode, the Impossible Goal 1.0 episode I shared my impossible goal for leaving my job, and starting a podcast, and impacting hundreds of women with my Own Your Sexuality Now program. And looking here at the end of December of 2021 I did in fact leave my full-time job this year. And I did start a podcast. I just celebrated the one year anniversary of the podcast. But I did not enroll over 500 women in my Own Your Sexuality Now program which is what I had talked about at the beginning of the year.

So some people might think that I failed. But the great thing about impossible goals is that they’re impossible. And you can just get to try again. I still have a plan to impact hundreds of women with my Own Your Sexuality Now program. And I have a CME version for doctors that I offer once a year and I’ll be offering it again next year.

And I also have the OYSN intimate program for any woman that wants to work with a small intimate group of women and myself. And that starts in January of 2022 and you can just click on the link in the show notes to find out more information about that program. I am looking for 20 committed Diamonds to work with me. I just think it’s going to be fantastic and I can’t wait.

But right now let’s talk about impossible goals for next year, your impossible goal for 2022. First off, what is an impossible goal and why should we be interested in trying to accomplish an impossible goal anyway? It sounds kind of like a recipe for failure, doesn’t it? Exactly, it is all about the failure. We purposely choose a goal that our brain says we cannot accomplish and then we try to accomplish it. So when our brain says it’s not possible we simply agree with our brain, yeah, you’re absolutely correct, I cannot accomplish this goal and here it is.

Here it is brain, this is what you need to understand, but I’m going to do it anyway. Why? Why, why go for it? Why, what is the purpose? Because it’s worth doing. It’s worth going for it. It’s worth it because you become the person that you’re meant to grow into and become. You actually don’t know if you’re going to accomplish the goal or not but if you don’t even try you will not know. And a 100% you will not succeed if you don’t even try. Not trying is like failing ahead of time. It’s like we’re failing because we are afraid to fail.

What, we are failing because we are afraid to fail so we’re going to fail ahead of time? That makes no sense. But what if we allowed failure. And you know so much of what I talk about is allowing, allowing things not to be perfect. And this is the same thing. What if we welcomed the failure and we said, “Yeah, I did a thing and I did not succeed at it.” I did not succeed yet, what then? Then it opens up for us so much more possibility. And it’s important to know that there is a difference between trying to do something and failing versus not even trying and giving up ahead of time.

When you try and fail, two things happen. One, you learn more about the journey that you’re on to success. You understand the process better and you know at least one thing that will not work in that process. And two, you yourself learn, and grow, and change during the process. But what about the goal and what about who we are if we don’t even try?

What if we listen to our brains when it told us that we could not do something, what about that goal? We failed, but it’s the worst kind of failure. We failed ahead of time. We didn’t even try, we didn’t even get to say what if. When we don’t even try, what happens to the person that we were supposed to become in the process? That person never gets to come into this world. We just stagnate. I’m amazed at the number of people that would rather not even try just so that they can afford failure.

There’s nothing innately wrong with failure unless we decide that there’s something wrong with it. Yeah, I hate to tell you this but it comes back to our thoughts. What do you want to think about success? What do you want to think about failure? What do you want to think about a goal? If we knew ahead of time that it was going to take 10 failures before we succeed then would you be willing to try? If you knew the exact number would you be willing to try? And would the failure matter?

If you knew it was going to take 10 times but you were eventually going to succeed, would the 10 failures matter? Or would you just be like, “Good, now it’s nine failures. Good, now it’s eight failures. Good, now I only have two left. Good, I’m at that point that I’m going to succeed.” Diamonds, what will it take to try and fail and try again? Okay, what if you have an impossible goal to create the sex life of your dreams? What if you wanted to create, mad, passionate, toe curling sex and sexual intimacy and you gave yourself a year to create it.

Maybe get even more specific, 12 sessions of toe curling intimacy in the year 2022. But then your mind immediately goes to work. And your mind might say, “What the heck is toe curling intimacy anyway? Who am I to think that passionate sex is possible for me? I’m just going to fail at it anyway, why even try? I wouldn’t even know where to begin. This idea is crazy. Maybe it should be five times a year, or maybe one time a year. Maybe one time a year not in 2022 but in 2023. Maybe I’ll give myself five years to create it.

Maybe I’ll try in another lifetime. Yeah, yeah, that’s it, just not for me anyway. Okay, I think I’m going to go eat a donut. Let’s just end this right now.” That’s how our mind works. That’s how our mind negates our goals. And this is how we end up settling or not even trying. So be aware of your mind as it starts this process, as it goes, “Well, maybe this, maybe not this, this is impossible so maybe I’ll settle, and maybe I’ll try this instead.” No, no, it’s not about this.

What if we decided to embrace the failure, to embrace the sack? What if we decided to intentionally create failure on our way to success? My mentor, Brook Castillo, she talks about creating 25 epic fails over a three month period of time. What if we all committed to epic fails on our journey of creating impossible amazing sexual intimacy? What would it look like to have 25 epic fails over the next three months and celebrate it? Yeah, I’m talking about celebrating failing 25 times between January 1^st and March 31^st of 2022.

What would epic sexual intimacy fails look like anyway? I’d love to know what that looks like. What if you said to your partner, “I want to fail at mind blowing sex 25 times in the next three months.” Yeah, your partner might look at you a little differently. But then you could explain it and your partner might be like, “Ha, well, this might just work. I mean it might fail but it might work and I think I’m going to have more fun along the way.” Usually you’ll find that your partner is willing.

Tell them that you’re going to be laughing a lot, and maybe crying a lot, and maybe having some deep discussions, and using a lot of lube and giggling, and maybe getting mad along the way. But I bet at the end of the three months, maybe you’re not going to be at your ultimate goal, maybe your toe curling days are still ahead of you. But you will be somewhere. And you will be a lot closer to where you want to be. And you have a lot to reflect upon. And you will have new experiences.

And you’ll be on your way to that toe curling sex that you want. Where and who would you be in terms of attaining your impossible goal if you decided to embrace the fail and go for it? I recently talked about implementation. And there is a reason that I talked about implementation. The impossible sexual intimacy goal depends upon implementation. It depends upon trying. That’s why I introduced the concept of implementation before revisiting the impossible goal.

So now the question becomes, how could you implement the impossible goal? How could you implement the 25 epic fails in order to create that mind blowing sex of your dreams? Okay, okay, first off, we’re going to want to get specific about what our goal is. Well, maybe it’s what we were initially discussing about 12 toe curling madly passionate sexual intimacy sessions in the next 12 months. And you can decide that there’s a baseline. And you could add in some extra fun along the way over time.

So you get to decide that if these 12 toe curling passionate sessions will involve penetrative sex, new toys, new positions, new sensations. It gets to involve anything that you want. You get to put anything in there. And then it’s time to get your mind onboard. It’s time to allow your mind to go to work and tell you all the reasons that this will not happen and all the reasons that it’s going to be a failure. Yeah, this is what your mind does.

And you welcome it, you welcome all the things your mind is going to tell you to make you not want to do this impossible goal. And you write down all the reasons because these obstacles then become your strategies for success. Let me explain this a little bit more.

Your mind is going to say, “You are not creative. Well, I don’t know what you’re talking about this mind blowing sex, you’re not creative.” So all you need to do is then say, “Yeah, I’m not creative so I’ll need to develop a strategy to become more sexually creative. Maybe you might want to start reading erotica to get some ideas. And that could be part of your new strategy.

Maybe your mind tells you that you don’t know how to have an orgasm. So maybe your strategy is going to have to involve exploring your body, having more self-pleasure sessions or inviting your partner into these sessions. And you two can work on more ways to stimulate yourself and figure out this orgasm thing.

Maybe your mind is going to say, “You’re not doing it right and you’ve never done it right so therefore you can’t have fantastic intimacy sessions.” So maybe a new strategy is that you need to do some mind work around these thoughts and figure out how you can embrace new thoughts and how you can become a fabulous sex machine.

Maybe your mind is telling you that you don’t have enough time in the day to become intimate. So then the strategy becomes figuring out when you can find the time to be intimate with yourself and possibly with your partners. So every obstacle that your mind gives you becomes a strategy, a new opportunity to try something new and possibly fail. But also realize that each of these opportunities brings you closer and closer to that amazing toe curling sexual intimacy that you’re trying to create in the new year.

Yeah, so that is how it’s done. Come up with an impossible goal, figure out what your mind wants to say about it. Don’t listen to your mind in terms of putting off that goal. Don’t fail ahead of time by not even trying. Just say, “Yes, it’s an impossible goal, 100% I agree with you, mind, it’s an impossible goal.” And then ask your mind all the reasons why it’s not going to work and write down those reasons. Those are all your obstacles and they become your strategies.

And then commit to the 25 epic fails and enjoy yourself along the way. Have fun with this. It can be silly. It doesn’t have to be perfect, if you’re not focused on perfection and you make it silly, and you make it fun, and you make it okay to have feelings and to have fears, and if you make it okay to have deep discussions. And if you make it okay to be uncomfortable, if you make it okay to implement in whatever way then it works.

Then on March 31^st we’re going to look and see what has happened with those 25 epic fails. And I bet the sexual intimacy in your life has changed. And I bet you have changed as well. So, okay, Diamonds, maybe you don’t want to commit to a full year of epic failures but what about three months and then reassessing? That’s only on average eight fails a month, or two times a week, if you want to get to 25 epic fails. I think that that’s possible for us.

Let’s work on going for our goal and being okay with failing twice a week for the next three months. Yeah, 25 epic fails in the next three months, we can do it.

Okay, Diamonds, we will be checking in with you on March of 2022 to see how this impossible goal is going. Yes, this is going to be so much fun. And I look forward to seeing who you are on March 31^st of 2022. Okay, lots of love to you, Dr. Sonia out.

Hey, Diamonds, it’s Dr. Sonia here. You know what? I love talking with you each week on my podcast but I want to get to know you better. I want to work directly with you. I actually want to coach you live and help you create that amazing sexual intimacy that you deserve. So once a year I open up enrolment for my Own Your Sexuality Now program which is my 90 day group coaching program. And enrolment opens this week and it closes as soon as I enroll the small group of committed women who want to change the intimacy in their life.

So as soon as the small group is full then enrolment is going to end. And this cohort of Own Your Sexuality Now, I also call it OYSN is a unique group because it is the intimate edition which has half the normal number of women in the group. We’re going to focus on doing the work in a small safe, supportive environment where you get to see that you’re not alone, that there are other women that are dealing with the same issues that you’re dealing with.

And it doesn’t matter your age or your background. We are all here and we are all in it together. You deserve that connection, satisfaction and pleasure of a healthy happy sex life with yourself and/or with another partner. So are you committed and are you ready to do the work? Would you like to create that blueprint, the pleasure plan for the next 40 years of amazing intimacy? If so then I’m looking for you to join this group. You’ve done all the things that you’re supposed to do. You’ve been responsible.

You’ve catered to everybody else’s needs but what about you, when do you get to focus on you? I say the time is now. And I say it doesn’t get any better than right now. Why wait another second? We are heading into the new year, what do you want your sexuality to be like in the new year? If you’re not feeling connected, if you’re not getting the satisfaction and if you’re up in your mind and not enjoying yourself then it’s time and I’m here to help. Let’s do something about it.

If you think about it, you could potentially have 30, 40, even 50 more years of intimacy ahead of you, what do you want it to look like? Let’s get real, let’s talk about what’s going on in your body, what’s happening with your libido, and we can kickstart this intimacy. Let’s talk about what it would take to tap into that amazing intimacy that you deserve. And I don’t care if you have a partner or not, you deserve amazing sexual intimacy in your life. If you’re a woman who wants to enjoy all aspects of her life, this program is for you. It finally gets to be your time.

So come join me as we discover how to get your groove back on and live your best life. I can’t wait to see you in OYSN. Yeah, OYSN, the limited edition. So click on the link in the show notes to find out more. And just so you know there are two scholarships available so I can’t wait to see you in Own Your Sexuality Now. We start OYSN, the intimate edition in the middle of January, will you be joining us? Click on the link below to find out more.

Talk to you later, Diamonds, Dr. Sonia out.