Ep #66: Empowering Conversations: Implementation

The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast with Dr. Sonia Wright | Empowering Conversations: ImplementationWe recently had an episode about implementation and what that looks like, and there is a list of aspects related to implementation to consider. So to continue our empowering conversations series this week, Coach Donna is joining me again to spend some time working through this list.

Coach Donna and I have known each other for several years and she also works with women in midlife to help them reimagine what’s possible for the second half of their lives and transform into that. We’ve had empowering conversations about asking and initiating, and now we’re talking about implementing.

Tune in this week as we discuss all aspects of implementation and give you some different perspectives, no matter what your belief system is. After you’ve asked for what you want, how do you keep it going? That’s what we’re showing you and we’re discussing why implementation doesn’t have to be perfect.

 

How is your sex life? If you rated it on a scale from 1 to 10, is it less than an 8? If so, we need to talk. I’m inviting you to check out my new 30-day program Your Empowered Sexuality (YES!). We’ll give you the sexual tune-up you need to kickstart your intimacy and create the sex life that you deserve, whether you have a partner or not. Click here for more information!

 

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
  • Why your sexuality is not about your partner.
  • The importance of being vulnerable in your intimate relationships.
  • Why you can create sexual intimacy for yourself even if your partner is not into it.
  • One of the hardest things to have a conversation about.
  • Why Erectile Dysfunction can bring benefits to a relationship.
  • The problem with having a preconceived idea about how someone should behave.
Listen to the Full Episode:

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Full Episode Transcript:

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast episode 66.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello everybody. How are you doing? This is Dr. Sonia and I am here with Coach Donna. And we are going to be having another one of our empowering conversations. You just had my podcast released about implementation, stepping into our sexual power and implementation. And now Coach Donna and I are going to spend some time talking about implementation and what that might look like. And kind of had a list of things to take into consideration. And Coach Donna and I thought that we would spend some time talking about that list.

And of course, I will have Coach Donna introduce herself. And then we’re going to get started. So I’m Dr. Sonia. And Coach Donna is Coach Donna Jennings. She is involved in all of my programs, all my sexuality, women’s sexuality programs. She does coaching, life coaching and sex coaching in my programs. And so if you want to know and interact more with Coach Donna then come and be in one of my programs. I’d love to have you. Okay, Coach Donna, how are you doing today?

Donna: Hey, Dr. Sonia, good day to you. It’s so fun to be here. And I love getting to spend any minute I get to spend with you. We have so much fun when we talk. I’m doing great, thank you. And I just love, love, love, I mean I think if you put it in a nutshell, I love helping women win at life, at love, and everything else they want to do.

Sonia: Menopause too, right?

Donna: Well, exactly, especially, you don’t have to suffer alone. And you don’t have to suffer at all. We can put an end to that.

Sonia: And what I love about working with Coach Donna is that we’ve been in this together. We trained together at The Life Coach School in 2018. And she’s like a little spitfire. I don’t know why I call her little, because she’s probably got four inches on me. But she’s a little spitfire. And we just hit it off and since that time we always connect and talk. And I also like Coach Donna, because she has a different perspective from me. And pansexual, and poly and I definitely I’m pretty open minded in some ways.

And Coach Donna’s open minded as well but she comes from more of a Christian, more of what would be considered more of a Christian conservative background. But at the same time we can find the connection. And I think our connection comes with one, our sense of humor, and two, truly our love for our Diamonds and wanting to be there for you. And also I love the idea that we can give you a different perspective. And sexuality, no matter what your belief system is, it is an important and healthy part of life for women. So this is why we have these conversations.

Okay, so today we’re going to be talking about implementing. Now, Coach Donna, we’ve done empowering conversations about asking or asking for what you want in the bedroom. And we’ve done empowering conversations about initiating, initiating different sexual intimacy pleasures and fun. And now we’re going to go to the implementation. So what I realized that was missing was the implementation. How do you keep this going? After you initiate and after you ask for what you want, how do you keep it going such that you implement the process?

And we often have this idea, whenever we set out to do something that it has to be done perfectly. And so with this implementation talk I really want to talk to get your thoughts on how we can do implementation imperfectly if that’s at all possible? So tell me what your thoughts are, Coach Donna?

Donna: Absolutely. Well, I think it’s essentially, it’s imperfect every time or perfectly imperfect every time. The key is just to get on with it, so to speak. And I think that one of the important points is that you even consider it, that you even reflect on this instead of just kind of putting your love life on autopilot. And then not really giving any thought to it. And so being involved in one of your programs, listening to this podcast means that you’re kind of you’re thinking about it. And wanting it to be more than probably it is.

So that for me is first, is that you’re just giving thought to it. And want to see what could be possible. And as you do, you may explore through podcasts, through books, through programs, what resonates with you, what’s interesting. You have seen something on television, or in a movie, or whatever, that’s like, well, I’d be way too shy to do that. Well, then be bold because when did you decide you’re too shy to do that?

When did you decide what your love life was going to be like? Or did you just let it kind of roll off into a gutter somewhere and become ho-hum? That sounds very boring, doesn’t it?

Sonia: Yeah, when you said, roll off into a gutter all I could think about is a rolling ball with the word sex on it, just heading towards the pins and then veering and go – and you’re like, “Oh, well, I guess that’s what we’ve got now. This is our new sexual intimacy.”

Donna: This is just the way it is. And why not question intimacy? Why not question your sex life? Why not question what’s possible for you? And that okay, yeah, I can talk about this and I want more. Okay, how do I get more? So that’s the beginning in my opinion. And so when it comes to implementation then it’s okay that something might be awkward. It’s okay that something might not be well received. Can you enjoy the process? You may decide, hey, I want to put on some sexy lingerie.

And then you might find out, well, he’s like, “That’s just kind of in the way. I don’t really care about lingerie.” Well, okay, but you like it so put it on anyway. And then tell him to take it off faster.

Sonia: Him, or her, or your non-binary.

Donna: Him or her, that’s right, yes. Get your partner to take it off. See how we balance these other out.

Sonia: I think you do bring up a good point which is really your sexuality is not necessarily about your partner. Yes, you can take your partner into consideration. But also it is if you wear the lingerie because it makes you sexy, first recognize that the lingerie is kind of like a conduit. It’s to help you think the thoughts about yourself that make you feel sexy because we’re always going to go back to the thought cascade in the model, that kind of concept. But hey, it’s okay to buy the lingerie, it’s okay to have fun with this. It’s okay to do the implementation in whatever way it works for you.

And maybe if you like the lingerie and your partner’s not on top of the lingerie kind of idea, maybe you can maybe shop together or something like that. I see you smirking there.

Donna: Yeah. If they’re not on top of the lingerie then tell them to get underneath it.

Sonia: Tell them to get underneath it. So of note, I would like you all to know that the conservative religious one is the one that makes all the sex jokes in this partnership. Let me just tell you that. So we’re very clear about this.

Donna: [Crosstalk].

Sonia: [Crosstalk], innocent just trying to talk about something and she’s over there smirking away, [crosstalk].

Donna: I’ve heard that quick wittedness is a sign of intelligence so I’m brilliant. Anyway, I’m going with that because I can, so I’m saying it.

Sonia: Can I talk about the implementation that way? Okay, so the first thing I was mentioning is allowing the process to take as long as it’s going to take. Because then we start putting parameters around things that it’s got, you know, we’re going to be talking about impossible goals in the month of December as well before we head into January 2022. And once we start making goals then we have kind of guidelines. But it’s an arbitrary guideline. If we say that we want our sexual intimacy to be 50% improved by June 30th, 2022.

That’s just a number or timeframe that we’ve pulled out of our butts. So when we get ourselves upset about the fact that it’s ‘taking too long’. But who says that it’s taking too long or it has to take just this amount? It’s an arbitrary period of time. And we need to recognize that the process is going to take as long as it’s going to take and that is not actually a problem.

Donna: Right. That’s why it’s important to enjoy the process. Is the hike all about getting to the top of the mountain or the hill that you’re trying to hike up? Or is it the views every step of the way?

Sonia: Yeah. And then if we want to look at this in terms of orgasms. We’ve talked about the past with the oh, just so orgasm. Is it to get the orgasm or is it to have the sexual intimacy and to enjoy yourself? It’s kind of the same thing for the whole journey. If you’re hiking up a mountain. Is it to get to the pinnacle of the mountain? Or is it to spend the time with yourself and whoever you’re hiking with to enjoy the one step after another, to be halfway up the mountain and look and see how far you’ve come when you didn’t necessarily know that you could do it at all?

And this is what we get to do with the journey, the sexual intimacy journey. We get to be like, “Wow, look how far I’ve come.” And so often when we’re just looking at the end result, we miss all the growth, and all the fun, and everything that we have created in the interim.

Donna: Yes. Is it the mountaintop or is it the process? For me it’s yes and yes.

Sonia: Yes and yes.

Donna: All the yeses.

Sonia: I think yes and yes, I’ll be okay with that.

Donna: Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Sonia: Okay. What about small progress is good?

Donna: I thought size didn’t matter. Just kidding.

Sonia: And what do I say to that?

Donna: Yes. So small progress.

Sonia: Size does not matter, it really does not matter. And you know why it doesn’t matter? Because the majority of the pleasure zones for a woman are in her vulva which is outside of her vagina. And if we’re looking for the goddess region, that’s usually within two to three centimeters of the opening of her vagina. So two to three centimeters is less than four inches, it’s less than three inches. So really size does not matter. So if we’re going to get technical I would agree with you, size does not matter.

Donna: That’s right, so small progress is progress, it’s just literally go.

Sonia: Progress, small progress is progress. Small penises are penises. Small progress is progress.

Donna: Small toys are toys, small orgasms are orgasms.

Sonia: Yes, exactly, thank you for that one. I love the fact that small orgasms are orgasms because we have that. We’re just really biased about orgasms. And I just want to bring this back to the forefront that whatever pleasure you’re having is whatever pleasure you get to have. Okay, expected to go forward and backwards, no progress is all forward. So two steps forward, one step back. Okay, what are you smirking about now?

Donna: I’m sorry. You guys listening, she sets this up though. It’s expected to go forward and back. How do you not just go off on – how do you not see that in a sexual way?

Sonia: A sex coach that does not see the sexual inuendoes. She has Coach Donna point them all out to her.

Donna: Expected to go forward and back, no progress is all forward, that’s right. So yes, but it’s again back to the progress. And I think when we take responsibility for our even sexual fulfilment and phrasing it that way. If we take responsibility for our sexual fulfilment then we can figure that out. And we can understand that if something maybe was not as pleasant this time or maybe there was a no. Okay, then let it be and go back to one, that it’s going to take as long as it takes. And so just let the process play out and it’s okay.

Sonia: Yeah. And this process is trial and error really. And this is what we’re talking about here. We have this expectation that okay, if we’re going to work on something it better work, it better work fast, it better be 100% perfect, and wonderful, and successful. And that’s not how anything goes. I’d like to know about any process that ultimately is successful. I’d like to know where it was all pretty straightforward and you didn’t have to have anything where you had some setbacks or some ‘failures’.

I mean I don’t think that that’s realistic. And as such I think that it’s fine. So whatever the progress and process looks like in addition to however long it looks like. But whatever the process itself looks like is completely fine.

Donna: And just really to oversimplify this, but I have been feeding myself for over 50 years. And I still drop food on my shirt. I mean really oversimplifying. So I can’t even feed myself perfectly sometimes but it does not mean I’m going to stop eating. So I know that’s just what, we’re talking about feeding. But it’s just I’m pulling up that point just to really oversimplify and how we don’t do anything perfectly.

Sonia: That is so true. That is so true. It’s just I laugh because I have a big shelf. I have some breasts on me.

Donna: Yeah, she means boobs, yes.

Sonia: So whenever I drop food it just sits right there, along for the ride.

Donna: That isn’t from IKEA.

Sonia: So yes, you’re not perfect at feeding yourself. I’m not perfect. Sometimes it gets down in there and I’m like, “Oh, something for later.”

Donna: So just give yourself some grace, people. And just, again, just allow that, allowing is so freeing because allowing there’s less resistance and less tension in allowing because we’re not meeting it with this shouldn’t be this way. When you meet it with this shouldn’t be this way, does that change how it is? Or does that just frustrate you? And if the answer is it just leads to more frustration, and tension, and judgment, well, how is that serving you? How is that helping you? So put that in the trash and move on. And let’s go back to allowing and letting it be.

And try to let that resistance go, stop fighting that and just, okay, next. And sometimes it’s like okay, you know what, next time, we’ll just chop this up. We’re going to stop talking. We’re going to stop trying to figure this out. We’re going to call this what it was. And we’ll move on to next time.

Sonia: Yeah. And be fine with that. And it’s not going to be perfect. And that’s okay if it’s not perfect. So alright, the next one. Focus on you and the fact that you’re responsible for your own sexuality and your own pleasure. I think that this just goes back to the fact that you get to focus on you. And if you have an expectation that your partner has to give you the pleasure or you have to – we’re talking about manuals here. We’re talking about manuals in that we’re expecting our partners to give us the pleasure that we ‘deserve’, or want, or whatever.

And it’s really about coming at this from a perspective of you’re responsible for your own pleasure and sexuality. So you’re responsible for doing the work and showing up and making the life that you want as opposed to sitting there thinking, it would be really great to have some amazing sexual intimacy. But show up and create that sexual intimacy that you want, whether or not your partner is 100% in on it. You can still create that sexual intimacy with yourself. You can still have a very pleasurable life and express your sexuality even if your partner is not specifically into it.

But at the same time you get to have conversations with your partner. And you get to invite them into the fun if they would like to. And hopefully you get to share your experiences with your partner because that’s kind of what a partnership is about.

Donna: Boom.

Sonia: Boom. Alright, continuing to have conversations with yourself and your partner about sexuality. So this has to do with having the difficult conversations. What do you have to say about that, Coach Donna?

Donna: Well, they may be wishing you would have the difficult conversation. It’s interesting that you can be intimate with someone and as close as you get in intimacy and yet not be saying things to each other and be so far apart even when you can’t get any physically closer. And I think that opens the door and is a little uncomfortable. Okay, but have you not had other difficult conversations? Have you not had other challenges? Is it just about being vulnerable? Well, then have you not been vulnerable before? And did you die?

And I’m not trying to be rude or inconsiderate there. But I’ve often found that in other situations, not just with intimacy but in friendships, in work situations, or just in relationships with other people. If I was thinking about a conversation that needed to be had, they often were too. And we ended up being glad that one of us broached the subject so we could just get it out, air things out there and bring it up literally, no pun intended.

Sonia: You’re the only one that knows these puns and sees them.

Donna: I bet I am not. Somebody needs to reply to Dr. Sonia. And when you hear that you’re like, I got that. I got that.

Sonia: I’m so serious. That I don’t see as much of the puns and the fun as you do.

Donna: That’s alright, puns are fun. And so I bet, he just wants you to be happy or she. Your partner just wants you to be happy as well. And they’re challenging conversations to have, you can at least say, “Hey, I started a conversation and that was my goal and so we started the conversation.”

Sonia: Yeah. And that’s the important part is to realize that it just has to be a start of a conversation. People want to start a conversation and have the middle, and the end done and then come to a decision. And something changed for the better and all within five minutes. Or they don’t want to have the conversation. And that’s not what this is about. Any meaningful conversation that you have is usually going to be more than one conversation. And maybe it’s about tolerating the discomfort of having these conversations.

Okay, here we go, one of the hardest things to have a conversation about, stop your laughing, is really about partner dysfunction. We’re talking about erectile dysfunction and things like that where sometimes it’s easier for us to talk about our own issues than it is to broach the issue that is affecting our partner. And so, but the problem is that it’s not only affecting the partner, it’s affecting you and your partner, and the relationship overall. And it could be putting the relationship in a place where it’s just, it’s jeopardizing the relationship.

But because people are so concerned and they don’t want to say anything that might harm the other person emotionally, they don’t say anything at all. And that’s jeopardizing the relationship and so much more. So it’s because we’re concerned about hurting the feelings of our partner we don’t say anything. And then one day you wake up and you’re like, I can’t live in a sexless marriage ever. I have to get out of this. Because you’ve gone past the point of tolerance and past that point where you could actually have the conversation.

And then you’re onto the place where it’s just like I’m just going to end this or I’m just going to be in a sexless marriage forever. Or I’m just going to start looking elsewhere. And we get to choose different options for our lives. But if the first and primary option that we wanted we don’t get that option to choose because we are afraid of having the difficult conversation then we just kind of look at what exactly are we missing out on because of that.

Donna: Right. And as much as we might say, “I’m afraid it’s going to hurt their feelings”, is it possible it won’t hurt their feelings and they’ll be relieved? So while you’re allowing your brain to give you these concerns, then also allow your brain to give you possibilities, it might be that way, it also might not. And so two sides of that. They may find a relief about it. And again then you can work together to figure out a solution.

And Dr. Sonia, you brought up erectile dysfunction, okay. So, alright, babe, well, that’s not working so well right now. However we love touch. Then now we’re seriously set up to cuddle. And it’s a compromise, he’s not falling short. Great.

Sonia: There’s a lot of good that can come from erectile dysfunction because men slow down. Suddenly they start really focusing on what their partners may be interested in, what their partners like and the pleasure that they can have. They become much better lovers in a lot of ways because they’re into the touch, they’re into the cuddle, they’re into the oral sex, they’re into. And I mean you don’t need an erect penis in order to have an orgasm on either side. So we need to be clear about this.

There is so much more sex and fun that can be had once that erection goes down, in all honesty. And it’s not necessarily a problem unless – I mean there’s things that can be done to make it, to improve the erectile function. But at the same time it’s not something that we need to just roll up shop and never engage in sexual intimacy again, definitely not. Okay, where are we on our list? Be kind to yourself throughout this process.

Donna: Yes. And I think we’ve woven that kind of throughout this, allow to take the time it takes and let the resistance go, and let the judgement go, and let the should have’s go, or should not’s go. And experience it. Be all in just letting it be and experiencing it, taking responsibility for it. But be kind to yourself, yeah, absolutely.

Sonia: Yeah, I just think that, you know, I talk about the emotional bullies. And we can give those up, the shame, blame, guilt, judgment, those type of things. Hopefully they don’t have a place in this work that you want to do to create the sexual intimacy of your dreams. So hopefully you’ll be kind to yourself and loving to yourself. And ask yourself as you’re going through this process, is this kind and loving? Am I being kind and loving to myself? Am I being kind and loving to my partner? You can extend your zone of sexual safety.

Alright, and that goes into seven which is no emotional bullies here.

Donna: Totally. Including not bullying yourself.

Sonia: Right, exactly, self-love, self-compassion. Alright, eight, allow your partner to show up any way that they want to show up. Get rid of the manual. So tell us all about manuals.

Donna: So yeah, manual is really you deciding how someone should be for your own happiness, I mean essentially. And very commonly we have a manual for how someone should behave. And they have no idea the manual exists. But we think you should do this or should not do that. It should be this way, which then when they don’t show up that way because they didn’t get the script, you’re disappointed. They’re out in the cold and now just further apart. And now there’s suffering that was needless.

And so that comes about when you have a preconceived idea of how they should behave or how they should be, how they should show up. If they show up in a way, for me, if they show up in a way that you’re not in agreement with for you, then that boundary is for you. You still don’t get to say, “You shouldn’t do that.” You just have to decide if you’re going to hang around for it or if you’re going to participate in it. Boundaries are for us and that’s kind of going on the far end of that.

I don’t want someone to say, “Okay, so I shouldn’t have any expectations of how someone should behave.” And that’s a bit different. I do have expectations of how people should behave and that generally includes you’re not going to hit me, spit on me, scream at me. But if you choose to do that then I can’t make you not do that but I can decide I’m not going to be around for it. I take control of me. And so unfortunately, so a manual, and let’s go back to sexual intimacy then.

And men have manuals for themselves, partners may have manuals for themselves that then drives them into some judgement and frustration, if they don’t show up the way they think they should which is, let’s just go back to erectile dysfunction. And that doesn’t mean you’re not a man, that your masculinity didn’t just go out the window. This is just an event.

Sonia: Yeah, which brings up a good point which is that society has manuals very much for how women show up as a sexual being and a sexual object. But they also very much have manuals as to how men should show up. A man should always be ready. A man should have high libido. The different ways that men should show up, that they should always have an orgasm, all these things. They should have stamina. They should always please the person that they’re with. And if they don’t please the person that they’re with then they’re not a good lover.

I mean these can push a man into a place of performance anxiety like nothing else. So that’s also something to take into consideration. So when we’re letting go of manuals for our partners, our partners get to let go of the manuals for themselves as well. And as you say, boundaries become important. There is certain expectations of how, I mean, somebody can do whatever, they can think, feel and act in whatever way they choose to. But then you also have your boundaries around those such that, yeah, nobody gets to spit on me, or hit me, or whatever.

Because my boundaries say that I would leave this situation. So we get to choose, we don’t have manuals for somebody else but we can have some boundaries for ourselves as to how we would act in certain situations. But when we don’t have boundaries for our partners, we allow them to show up in whatever way they would like to show up. And we allow them to show up in vulnerability as well. And we can often get closer to our partners that way and find out more about them. So it’s a beautiful thing when we let go of the manuals and let them show up whatever way they want to.

Donna: Yeah, I love it.

Sonia: Alright, what do you want to talk about next?

Donna: Well, get smorgasbord.

Sonia: Smorgasbord, smorgasbord. So the sexual smorgasbord. So that has to do with defining sexual intimacy whatever way you want to define it. Society has a tendency to say that sexual intimacy is defined by penis and vagina sex. But in all actuality, it’s defined whatever way you want to define it. As long as there’s consent involved, as long as it’s adults and as long as nobody’s being hurt emotionally or physically then have some fun. So this is when we look at sexual smorgasbord, you get to define sexual intimacy in whatever way you want to.

Whether you want it to be handholding, or cuddling, or making out, or whatever, all the way up into this world of penetrative sex and beyond. So there’s a lot of different things that can go into smorgasbord sexual intimacy. But the important thing to note is that if you have a sexual smorgasbord plan throughout your lifespan, a list of all your go to fun things to do then as you get older, as your body changes, as things are happening, as you might have a hip pain or whatever, you still get to engage in sexual intimacy.

But if we have this really narrow definition of sexual intimacy, that it can be only one thing. And if for some reason you’re not able to engage in penetrative sex or whatever then you negate sexual intimacy and you may stop sexual intimacy altogether. And that’s not what we want.

Donna: Right, yeah, right, absolutely. Spontaneity.

Sonia: Spontaneity, yeah. Sometimes I think we should do a whole podcast on spontaneity. I don’t know where this comes from and why people think that they have to be spontaneous. And that sex that is planned out is not as good. I don’t know about you, whether it’s spontaneous or it’s planned out I’m going to cum and I’m going to enjoy myself. So I’m like, what the fuck does it matter if it’s spontaneous or if it’s planned?

If it’s planned the odds are it’s going to happen more as opposed to waiting for spontaneity, or that it’s some sort of that. That’s just some bullshit there that we get to say goodbye to.

Donna: And spontaneity is based on how you feel. And particularly women in midlife, that can change in a heartbeat. It does change in a heartbeat. And for example, I’m just thinking about, I was around some people for lunch. And I’m like, “So what are you going to have for lunch?” “I don’t know. I’m not hungry yet so I don’t know what I want.” In my head I was like, are you kidding me? I know what I want. I’m not hungry but I’m thinking about, what would I enjoy? And so I’m planning out lunch because I’m thinking about what would I enjoy.

And they don’t know what they feel like having. So they haven’t decided on when they’re having lunch. So anything could interrupt that as well, if they’re riding just on how they feel for spontaneity, what they want in the moment. But I was anticipating.

Sonia: Yeah. And so that’s a good point because when we talk about libido, we talk about the responsive libido, versus the spontaneous libido. And if we’re waiting for us to feel in the mood it may not actually happen. But if we recognize what responsive libido is about and we recognize that we might need to give it a little push to get it started. And then that might shift us to the place where we’re more interested in sex and sexual intimacy. Then we’re like, “Okay, it’s okay for me to start from a place of neutrality. What do I want the end result to be?”

The end result is that I want to engage in sexual intimacy. I’m not sure what you…

Donna: It’s a no. What do I want the end result to be?

Sonia: We want the end result to be pleasure, satisfaction and connection, which for Coach Donna is a big orgasm.

Donna: I’d like to buy an O, Pat, thank you so much. Anyway.

Sonia: Remember, Dr. Sonia’s triad of sexual intimacy is not all the big O.

Donna: It’s not always and that’s okay. Oh my gosh, it’s so fun, so fun, thank you.

Sonia: Okay, spontaneity.

Donna: Anyway, I want to, speaking of spontaneity anyway, this is different than sexual intimacy but just throw out the story I share with you real fast. And it touches on a number of the points that we’ve talked about but it was earlier in our marriage. But I had this inspired idea that I thought. And I would get lingerie and I would go leave a message in my husband’s car, vehicle. And so I took some lingerie and went to his job. And of course we all have keys to each other’s vehicle. So open it up and I draped the lingerie across the steering wheel.

And I thought, perfect. And locked everything up and I just was so excited all the rest of the afternoon waiting to figure out the look on his face, the reaction and everything. And it was a fine reaction, was no problem. But he drives an HGV. So it is eye level to the people parking next to him or anybody walking past to get to their car beyond his vehicle. So it was very public.

So the only thing was, “Hey, honey, maybe you could do that a little differently. You could wrap it in a bag or something and hang it there and then I’ll open it and I’ll see what you’ve got, what was there. And I’ll know you were thinking about me.” And so it was imperfect but it was spontaneous, it was imperfect and we’re figuring it out. It’s an example of multiple points that we’ve talked about here tonight.

Sonia: But I also see it as something that’s more on the plan side too. Because the implementation though, that’s not the word that I want, the implication is that there might be some fun happening tonight. So it was spontaneous in the effort to put it there but it also was planned in the evening activities.

Donna: Right. Heralding something.

Sonia: More to come.

Donna: Well, I wasn’t going to say it but you did, there you go. You didn’t recognize the inuendo there, I cannot help you my friend.

Sonia: I could not help myself on that one. You see you’re a bad influence on me.

Donna: I’ve been working on it.

Sonia: All you, Diamonds, please note that Coach Donna is a bad influence on Dr. Sonia.

Donna: And you are welcome.

Sonia: Take note of this.

Donna: So with that let’s talk about toys.

Sonia: Toys, toys, toys. You get a vibrator, and you get a vibrator, and you get a vibrator.

Donna: You just keep these out on your desk, don’t you? They’re never far out of reach.

Sonia: I do. And I’m a little ADHD and so I could be coaching my clients then I’m wiggling something around. They’re like, “What was that that just flashed by?”

Donna: That’s not a pen.

Sonia: It’s not a pen. No, it’s not a pen. Yeah, so we have so much fun with all this. Yeah, so toys are meant to be fun. We get to use them to spice up our lives. But people have concepts about toys that they can only be used with a partner or they cannot be used because then the partner might get upset. And that means something about them, especially some women might think, if I use a toy that society’s going to say I’m one of the bad girls. Yes, I guess I would be considered a bad girl. And it’s kind of fun over here.

Donna: I want to mention, this has happened, I am aware of this with two people that this occurred with. And that was, everybody is not shaped and sized the same. And the use of toys helped promote, helped women having their first sexual experiences. And both of these were yeah, conservative individuals so they were virgins on their wedding night. And let’s just say things didn’t fit comfortably, it would be too painful. And so you could stay like that and just everything’s uncomfortable and really just have a problem from the start.

Or get help and realize you can begin, you could use toys in different sizes to actually begin to make that a more comfortable experience and actually open up things more.

Sonia: Yeah. So I mean you’re talking about toys and part of the toys is that women need direct stimulation to their clitoris, 85% of women need that direct stimulation in order to have an orgasm as opposed to just 15 which get an orgasm from penetrative sex alone. But if you’re not getting the clitoral stimulation then you’re not necessarily getting the lubrication that you need. And so that could be part of the problem.

But what I’m also hearing you talk about is this concept of dilation that we also have to, you know, if parts are not fitting together and if there’s pain we need to make sure we stop the pain altogether. And then there’s dilators which here is a dilator kit that I have right here. It can start from the size of a pinky, to go up to the size of a regular penis and beyond in terms of sizes. And then also to be able to work with physical therapists as well if we need that, if some vaginismus and things are going on.

Yeah, so there’s toys, there’s dilators, there’s sex aids, there’s all different, there’s lubricants. So there’s all different things that we can use but it’s all about enhancing the experience and getting to that place of fun and just connection. So whatever it takes to get to that place, is not a problem at all. Alright, so yeah, so we can just wrap it all up with our last thing which is just getting back to the touch and the triad of sexual intimacy. And that’s just the satisfaction, the connection, the pleasure. Alright, this is what it’s always about.

So in terms of however you implement things go for it. There’s no rules about how it has to be done. You get to decide for you and you get to have fun while you’re doing it.

Donna: Yeah. And you get to continue to explore. And so don’t forget just to continue to explore your sex life as well and intimacy. And let that expand and grow and become more pleasurable as opposed to thinking, well, yeah, I guess this is all there is, fine, for the rest of my life. It doesn’t have to be.

Sonia: Dr. Sonia and Coach Donna are here to tell you that this is not all there is. There is so much more that can be done. So, Coach Donna, thank you once again for empowering conversations. I love our conversations. And I love the fact that we just giggle all the time and all the way through it. And I want to do another conversation with you on impossible goals. So that will be coming up, I think that would be fun. And I just thank you for coming on the show and thank you for all that you do and being a fabulous coach. Thank you so much.

Donna: You’re so sweet. Thank you. My pleasure, this is a lot of fun and so thanks for having me. And, Diamonds, thank you for entertaining me joining Dr. Sonia. It’s a pleasure.

Diamonds, how is your sex life? No, really, how is your sex life? On a scale of one to ten how would you rate it? You know I’m all about the intimacy for women in midlife. If you rated the passion in your life as less than an eight then we need to talk, sister. I’m personally inviting you to check out my new program, Your Empowered Sexuality 30 day kick starter. I am so excited about this program. Most of you know that I have an impossible goal to positively impact the sex lives of over a million women. And I am just getting started.

Come work with me for 30 days to kick start that intimacy in your life. Let’s create that amazing, satisfying, intimacy that you deserve. Let’s face it, if you’re in your 40s, 50s or 60s, you could have 30 to 50 more years of intimacy ahead of you. What do you want that intimacy to look like? Let’s get real and talk about what’s going on with your body, your libido, let’s see what we can do to kickstart this intimacy. This program is for you whether or not you have a partner.

If you are a woman who wants to enjoy all aspects of her life then this is the program for you. It finally gets to be your time. So, click on the link in the show notes or on my website at soniawrightmd.com and come join me for Your Empowered Sexuality aka YES, Your Empowered Sexuality 30 day kick starter. I cannot wait to see you Diamond, talk to you soon. Take care.

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About

Sonia Wright MD

Hi, I’m Dr. Sonia Wright and I’m YOUR SEX COACH! I’m on a mission to end the pain and isolation associated with sexual difficulties and to help women create satisfying sex lives.

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