Ep #39: Future Intimacy

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, episode 39.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello Diamonds, how are you doing today? It is your friendly neighborhood sex coach Dr. Sonia with another episode of your favorite podcast. And as I mentioned previously we’re going to be talking all about intimacy in the month of June. And today I specifically want to talk about our future intimacy.

I’m talking about intimacy when you’re in your 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s and beyond. It’s on my mind right now because I’m coming up against ageism for the first time in my life. Sure, I’ve dealt with sexism, and racism, and homophobia but I’m kind of used to that. This ageism thing, this is new for me. And for those of you that don’t know, ageism is essentially discrimination against a person based on their perceived age. So some background here as to what has changed in the last year so that ageism is now on my mind.

Well, I’ve been dying my hair for the last 20 years. And I actually went grey in my early 30s. It’s kind of a thing that Wrights do, we grey early. I stopped dying my hair last year because the hair salons closed and I was sheltering in place because of Covid. So previously I had long auburn dyed hair that went past my shoulders. But with Covid for about five months I grew out my grey hair. And then the salons opened up and I actually cut it all off and left the grey hair and cut off the dyed hair.

And you actually might notice that my podcast cover has recently switched to reflect my new hairstyle. I really wanted to embrace my authentic self. And that included accepting my grey hair.

But what I didn’t realize was that I was also stepping into this new world in terms of how people would perceive me, and importantly, how I would perceive myself. I’m not certain why, possibly because people saw the grey hair and for the majority of the time last year we had facemasks on. Whatever the reason was I felt like people were labeling me as elderly. I noticed that people were helping me more, opening the door for me more, making sure that I had what I needed, helping me when I didn’t even ask for help.

And this was something I had not experienced before and it really confused me. And I was also hearing a lot more ma’ams than I had heard before. I’ll give you an example. So this is what I normally do in a grocery store. At 4’11 I’m used to climbing up on the shelves in order to get something on the top shelf. It had never bothered me before and people just passed by me, no problem. I’d see something I needed on the top shelf, I’d kind of just grab onto one shelf. I kind of put my foot up there and I’d kind of grab and get what I need.

Well, it seemed like this time with the grey hair and my mask on that people came running to help me, afraid that I was going to fall off and break a hip or something. I have been doing this my entire life for as long as I can remember in terms of scrambling up on shelves to get what I needed. But suddenly everybody was running to help me. And it was just a weird sensation, a weird feeling.

Another example was when I was in a coaching training program recently. And one of the younger coaches said that it would be hard for her to coach me because she was raised to respect her elders. It actually took me a minute to realize that she was talking about me. And that I officially had been classified as an elder. It was kind of funny at the time but then I wasn’t sure if I was happy about being labeled an elder. And that made me realize that I had all kind of thoughts about what it was to be an elder and what it was to be called elderly.

So when I’m saying that I’m dealing with issues around ageism, let’s really be real. Most of these issues are self-imposed issues due to my own thoughts about getting older. I was shocked. I appeared to have negative ideas about getting older and what that would mean to me. And also what that would mean for my sexual intimacy.

Even though my life is fantastic and it seems to be getting better and better, and I’m really loving my 50s. I really feel like I am growing into myself into my 50s. I feel that my life is pretty vibrant and full of fun right now. I realize that I’m still buying into society’s beliefs about getting older being somehow wrong or bad.

Some of the thoughts that I discovered when I sat there and really looked at my thoughts were I was thinking this is the beginning of the end. It’s all downhill from here. I’ll be bedridden soon. My joints are finally going to give out. My body’s going to sag and it’s going to be non-functional. I’m not going to be cute anymore. I’m not going to be sexy anymore. Maybe I’m going to stop having sex altogether. Maybe intimacy is over for me. This list could go on and on. Maybe you’ve accepted society’s beliefs about intimacy and getting older as well.

Maybe some of your thoughts are older individuals don’t really have intimacy or sex. Older adults are no longer interested in sex. I guess I’m going to stop being interested in sex in my 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond. An older individual either has vaginal atrophy or erectile dysfunction so they are not going to be engaging in any intimacy or sex at all. Older adults are no longer sexy or attractive. Sex is for younger people. Spend some time listing out your ageist biases and see really what is in your mind.

Okay, some of you may be asking yourself, why are we even talking about this? Maybe you’re thinking I thought this was a podcast for women in midlife. Why do I need to worry about this now? I’ve got 20 or 30 more years before I even need to think about my intimacy in my 60s or 70s. Well, let me tell you that your intimacy in your 60s and 70s is actually determined by how you think about that intimacy right now.

If you’re a woman who thinks that sexual intimacy is going to wind down over time and eventually stop altogether then honestly this is what’s going to happen for you. You’re basically predicting your future sexual intimacy based on your current thoughts. If you think that older individuals are not sexual and if you adhere to stereotypes around age and sexuality then it should not be much of a shock that in 20 years from now you’re going to have little or no sexual intimacy in your life.

But exploring your thoughts and identifying your thinking around sexuality as you age, this is something that’s important to look at because you’re essentially predicting your future with your current thoughts. Imagine and build that future in your mind right now based on your current thoughts. And decide if that intimacy future is what you want. And if that’s what you’re planning for, okay, I’m fine with it, if that’s what you want that’s fine.

But I’d also suggest that you check-in with your partner and make sure that they’re onboard for this plan too because a decision that you’re making not only impacts you, it also impacts your partner if you have one. As for me I’m deciding on a different plan. One thing I know for sure is that my current thoughts are going to need to be examined because they’re driving my future intimacy. So I’m going to have to go through what I call a thought cascade to get a better idea of what my future results would be if I decide to continue thinking these thoughts that I’m thinking about aging and sex.

This kind of reminds me of a Christmas carol when Ebenezer Scrooge gets visited by the ghost of future Christmases. I am going to be visited by the ghost of future intimacy as I examine my current thinking and my thought cascade. So why don’t you come along for the ride. So if my thought is my grey hair denotes the beginning of the end of my intimacy. That thought is going to be leading to some feelings, maybe a feeling of apathy, or sadness, or even despair. Okay, let’s choose despair.

So this despair is then in turn going to lead to a number of actions or inactions that I’m going to take. And these actions or inactions could include stopping exercise. Why do I need to exercise if it’s the beginning of the end? Maybe I’m going to become inactive and just sit on the couch. Maybe I’m going to no longer buy lingerie that makes me feel sexy. Maybe I’m going to repeat to myself how old I’m getting and use that as an excuse for everything to not work on my intimacy.

Maybe if I end up with sexual pain I’m not going to go to the doctor and talk to them about the fact that I’m having pain or lubrication issues. Maybe I’m not going to eat healthy and not going to focus on my health. Maybe I’m going to stop having a loving relationship with my body. So at the end of all these actions or inactions it’s going to be a result. And that result is going to be something like an end of my health, an end of the intimacy or possibly an end to my vibrant life. And maybe I’ll just have a stagnant intimacy or no intimacy but I’m going to create a result.

And getting back to the intimacy carol, this is a point where the future intimacy ghost is pointing to a tombstone. And the tombstone says, “Here lies Dr. Sonia’s sexual intimacy.” Cue the melodramatic music, and the spotlight on the tombstone, and the dust, and the spider webs, and maybe a few mourners dressed in black and crying in the corner.

And this is where I start screaming and begging, begging for another chance, begging for a womb stone instead of a tombstone, a womb stone for a new beginning. A chance to rewrite my thoughts and my thought cascade and create a new result, so the ghost grabs my hand, the ghost of future intimacy, she grabs my hand and whisks me back to June of 2021. And I realize I’ve been given another chance to create something new and amazing. I’ve been given a do over. So I search for a new feeling.

I decide I want to feel sexy instead of despair. I’m going to feel sexy, or connected, or beautiful, or naughty, or vivacious. And not just vivacious, attractively lively which is pretty close to mischievous and naughty and kind of where I like to live. So what thought will help me create this vivacious feeling? My thought becomes I get to create my own mischievous, naughty, sexual intimacy at any age. And that makes me feel vivacious.

And then I can take different actions. I can continue to exercise. I can keep my body strong and healthy. I can continue this love affair with my body just as it is, as it’s growing older. I can continue to love and marvel at it with all of its wonders, with all of its perfectly imperfect parts to my body. I can continue to tap into my sexual intimacy and watch that intimacy grow and change and love it all. If I have sexual health issues I can go to my doctor and keep investigating and advocating for myself till it gets sorted out.

I can take ownership of my sexuality. I can continue to enrich and create a vibrant life for myself. And I can revel in the intimacy that I’ve created. And of all this new action my results will be that I’ve created an amazing sexual intimacy that gets better and better every year so that my sexual intimacy in my 90s is actually even better than my sexual intimacy now. And we saw this in my prior podcast episode where I interviewed the Diamond Didi. She’s in her 70s and her sexual intimacy is amazing so this is really possible.

So I get to choose that I’m unstoppably amazing and a sexual badass in my 90s. So that’s how you do it Diamonds, you figure it out, you decide, you make a decision. And before you know it you’re working on that sexual intimacy from now into your 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s and beyond. And that’s how you get to have this new amazing sexual intimacy. So I’m challenging you Diamonds, what do you want your future intimacy to look like? If your future intimacy ghost came to visit you, what would she be showing you?

Whatever you decide that you want your future intimacy to look like in 20, 30 years from now you have to start right now, start having the discussion with yourself and if you’re partnered, with your partner. Start working on your intimacy right now because potentially you have 50 more years of intimacy or lack of intimacy ahead of you and you get to decide that.

Do you want to conform? Do you want to adopt society’s beliefs about your intimacy? Or do you want that passionate amazing intimacy that you’re entitled to and that you get to create? Do you want the ability to create your own intimacy? That possibility is open for you. I don’t know about you but I’m choosing that wild top passionate intimacy and so can you.

Okay Diamonds, till next week, keep thinking about your intimacy and I’ll talk to you later. Take care. Dr. Sonia out.

Diamonds, do you feel like you’re missing out on passionate intimacy and amazing pleasure even though your life looks fabulous to everybody else? Or maybe you feel like sex is just an obligation that’s on your to do list right after taking out the trash. Perhaps you would love to get rid of the story that plays again and again in your mind that sex is shameful. Or maybe you just want to want to want sex again.

Well, Diamonds let me tell you the time has come. My Own Your Sexuality Now 90 day program to greater intimacy and pleasure in your life is open for enrolment. In fact I’ve actually reorganized the structure of Own Your Sexuality Now so that you can join at any time. You don’t have to wait for a three month increment anymore. Just think, you can talk to me weekly and get all your coaching needs met in my anonymous weekly group coaching calls. And we have so much fun with these calls and we get the work done.

Best of all, you get a community of other women that are dealing with similar issues. You get to know that you are not alone. So this amazing program, Own Your Sexuality Now includes 12 self-paced modules that lead you on a journey to create the sexual intimacy of your dreams. You start from exploring concepts of you as a sexual being. And then you progress all the way to the point where you’re creating a pleasure plan, a unique pleasure plan for you that ensures that you get the pleasure and the sexual intimacy that you deserve.

And I’m so excited about this, and as a special bonus, Own Your Sexuality Now is going to include an additional three months of weekly group coaching calls and support from me, Dr. Sonia. So click on the link below, Diamonds, or visit my website www.soniawrightmd.com to find out more about Own Your Sexuality Now and to join. I can’t wait to see you all.

Alright Diamonds, that’s it from me, Dr. Sonia out.