Ep #175: Contemplating New Beginnings in Midlife

The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast with Dr. Sonia Wright | Contemplating New Beginnings in Midlife

During my sabbatical, something in me called for a change, for an alignment between spirituality, sexuality, creativity, and a connection to a higher power. I was drawn to tarot and to the use of the cards to reflect on women’s sexuality. We start our spiritual journey with the Major Arcana, the card “The Fool”, which means beginnings and risks.

As women, we often think that we can’t change things up or do things differently. But the truth is, you can always decide to start anew. One tool for exploring this idea is tarot cards, and in this episode, we discuss how to view the card, “The Fool,” in connection to sexuality and how it can help us unravel what we want for this new year.

As we enter 2024, I invite you to ask yourself, what you would like to start anew with your sexuality? If you want a healthy sexuality throughout your lifetime, it’s likely going to change over time. You can have a goal, or simply follow the path to see where you’re meant to go. My Diamonds, let me ask you this: would you like to enter 2024 as a Fool, opening the door for fun, wonder, and adventure?

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
  • The meaning of the tarot card, “The Fool” and what it represents.
  • What being a sexual “Fool” looks like.
  • The impact of pessimism and optimism on your life.
  • How tarot cards can help you when taking leaps of faith.
  • How to explore women’s sexuality through tarot cards.
Listen to the Full Episode:

Featured on the Show:
Full Episode Transcript:

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, episode 175.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello, Diamonds, it’s Dr. Sonia. How are you doing this week? I am still on a high from my sabbatical and I feel like I’ve learned so much about letting go. And let me tell you, I still have so much more to learn. But I don’t know if I’d call myself a recovered perfectionist, maybe a recovering perfectionist. And how do I say this? I think a lot of women that have had these careers that are, what is the word? It feels like it’s a little early in the morning, you know how I am up at 4:00, 4:30 doing my podcast.

I think a lot of people that are women that are A type personalities or have these careers where they’ve really pushed themselves over a period of time, and of course I’m talking about myself. We kind of get on this treadmill, this belief system that we can’t stop, we can’t change things up, we can’t do anything different. And I’m really learning with this sabbatical, with the first break that I have taken in 25 years. I mean, I was doing medical school while pregnant. And then I delivered at the beginning of my second year of medical school.

And so I have been doing this mothering thing and medical school and residency and beyond for 25 years and I have not stopped and I hadn’t really thought about stopping. And when I did with my sabbatical, it really, it kind of rocked my world and it still is kind of rocking my world. Because there’s a little part of me that says, well, you gave up or you didn’t do it right or you took a break. What kind of a wimp are you? Why did you need to take a break?

And then there is a bigger part of me that’s like, you know what, Sonia? The world did not end when you took a break. And so all my Diamonds out there, that need to take a break but feel that maybe they can’t. Let me tell you, the world goes on just fine if you take a break. The world will not end if you take care of yourself. Your family will sort themselves out if you say, “Mommy is not available for every second of every moment of every day.” It’s amazing.

And so with that rocking my world, it’s really brought me to this place where I’m asking myself what else, what else is possible? What else can be different? And I’m going down this path of letting go of perfection, letting go of everything being the way I think it should be and coming more and more from a place of curiosity. And also I recognize that it is time for me to go on more of a spiritual journey with this sabbatical.

And I mean, I don’t necessarily think of myself as extremely religious. I mean, there’s a time in my life that I was. But because of who I am, I’ve never quite fit in, in one specific area in terms of religious dogma. So I do tend to consider myself very spiritual but not specifically adhering to one religion. And when I say spiritual, yes, I do have a belief in one God. But people have beliefs in many Gods, that doesn’t faze me because I just feel like they’re facets of the one.

I’m pretty open and accepting in a lot of ways, in a lot of ways I should say, except for myself. I’m really demanding of myself. And so as I was saying with this sabbatical, it really opened something for me and made me start looking and wanting to go down more of a spiritual path. And as I said, since I’m spiritual, I’m not specifically religious, I was drawn to kind of tarot, tarot cards, tarot reading as a way to better understand or take a journey, one would say along the spiritual path, which doesn’t necessarily mean that I have given up all logical realm and now I just focus on the tarot.

I thought it would be kind of fun to learn how to do tarot readings. And there’s something in me that is calling for an alignment with spirituality, sexuality, creativity, connection to a higher power. All of these things are coming together. And so I invite you to come on this journey. And I really don’t know how long this journey is going to take, but I wanted to kind of explore women’s sexuality coming from a place of using the tarot cards as a guide.

And so I’m just starting with, I like this deck and it’s by Chris Ann. It’s The Light Seer’s Tarot deck. I like what it has to say and how it says it. And I’m also incorporating information from other sources as well. In fact, I picked up this book from Barnes & Noble, Tarot as a Guided Workbook to Unlock and Explore your Magical Intuition. And I’d like to add in sexual intuition and so much more along the guidelines of women in midlife and what’s happening for us.

So I opened to the first section and it’s talking about the major arcana. And it says the major arcana cards deal with the major themes of our lives, big choices and decisions, major moments and things and examinations that require deep reflection. And I kind of thought it would be fun to do a deep reflection upon women’s sexuality around the tarot cards. And I’m going to be checking in with my several partners in crime as we go through this. I’m not sure if it’s going to take all year, we’ll just keep going, or if it’s going to take a month and do you know what? That is okay.

So as I turn and open the book, I first look at the major arcana, which is listed as zero, the fool, jumping into the unknown. And I think this is so perfect for the beginning of this journey with you and also for the beginning of the year. Now, normally in the past I’ve started the beginning of the year asking you, what are your goals? What do you want to accomplish? How do you want to accomplish it? Very logical and literally focused and that’s the way my brain works.

And I’m also at this place where I’m like, “Hey, I get to change this up. I get to change up my podcast. I get to change up how I look at things.” And you also get to change things up, my Diamonds. You get to start again from a blank space or not exactly start again, I would say. It would be more like, and what now? I’ve lived my life up until this point and what now? What would I like to focus on now? So we get to be at the beginning of this unknown journey. And we get to make this journey whatever we want it to be.

We could have a goal if you like having a goal or you could just go down a path and see and trust and believe that you’re going where you’re meant to go. I’m just using these cards as, well, maybe a guide on this journey. And in any case, the first one is the fool, and it’s talking about beginnings and risk. Beginnings on a new journey, for you, this could be the beginnings of a new sexual journey if you’d like to. However, you’ve defined yourself sexually, you get to continue to define yourself sexually that way, Diamonds, or you can choose something new.

I always talk about the fact that as we grow and change, our sexuality also grows and changes, how we express ourselves, what activities we choose to engage in. We don’t necessarily have to keep it exactly the same. And I think I’m always encouraging you that it doesn’t have to be the same. And in fact, if you want to have a healthy sexuality throughout your lifetime, it’s likely going to change. And so we’re looking at the fool. It says the world is full of risk and also some amazing things too.

We get to be at the beginning of this journey and we get to decide how we want to show up at the beginning of this journey. Do we want to show up with fear and trepidation or do we want to show up with awe and wonder? That’s kind of what I’d like. So at the beginning of this sexual journey, what if in 2024 we showed up with awe and wonder. What if we asked what could our sexuality be like? What would we like our sexuality to be about?

And from a non-judgmental, always into the be kind to yourself side of things as opposed to, this is what it was in the past and I don’t like it and something’s wrong with it or me or whatever. Maybe it’s just if I could dream anew, if I could start anew, if I could do something different, what would it be that I’d like to do around my sexuality? Would I like to get into masturbation? Would I like to get into toys? Would I like to get into a new partner? Maybe it’s time for a change up.

Would I like to get into me and my own sexuality? Would I like to explore this with myself or other partners? Would I like to go down more of a kink side of things? You get to decide what it is that you want to do. But we’re talking about rebirth and growth as we begin 2024. And of course, for me with my journey, with my business and with The Midlife Sex Coach for Women and how I want to serve my Diamonds, this also comes into play for me, a rebirth. What exactly do I want to do? What I know I want to do is serve my Diamonds. I want to be here for you.

If you have specific questions, if you have specific topics that you want me to talk about, then just email me sonia@soniawrightmd.com and tell me what it is that you want to know more about as we go on this journey. Follow your heart’s desire. Follow your heart’s desire. That is something beautiful. You know what I like about the tarot cards is they tell you, if you were to get this card, the fool, it tells you kind of the positive side of things. If you’re going to go down this path and what it symbolizes and what it means.

But they also tell you more of if it’s in reversal, if you’re not focused on going down this path, maybe if you’re afraid of going down a path. If you don’t want to try something new, what could possibly happen if you hold back or if you take something to the extreme? It could be considered too rash or leaping without awareness or maybe sabotaging change because you’re afraid of what the future holds. Let me tell you, change is the one constant, it really is.

If I look at where my life has gone and what it looked like when I started this podcast and what it looks like right now, if somebody told me that I would be the parent of four children. When I started this podcast, I was the parent of two children. And somebody told me I’d be married to somebody 15 years younger than me and we would be working together to raise these kids and to have this amazing family. I would have been like, “No, I don’t think so. I think you have the wrong person.”

But I went on a journey and I didn’t know where it was going to lead and I took huge leaps of faith and I’m still taking leaps of faith in so many different ways. But if I were blocked off from that, if I wanted to sabotage myself, life would be different in a lot of ways. And so you can take a leap of faith and work on your sexuality, work on how you want to show up in your life or you could block yourself off and you could sabotage yourself because you’re afraid.

So I think when I look at the fool card, I think of the awe and wonder of life, the awe and wonder of sexuality, the awe and wonder of our body, the awe and wonder of connection, the awe and wonder of a new journey and a new way to be. And that’s a beautiful thing. Or we can start 2024’s sexual journey with fear, with trepidation, with worry, with anxiety. Is it going to be the same it’s always been? Maybe it’s going to be worse. I’m getting menopausal so now I have vaginal dryness. Things are painful for me. It’s never going to be like it was before.

My body has changed, I’m not ‘sexy enough’. We get to decide. Awe and wonder might look like, well, I’m in my late 50s, I’m headed to 70, well, 60 and then 70. I wonder what my sexuality and my sexual expression is going to be like over the next 10/15 years. How can it be even better than it was previously? How can I not label this process as good or bad, but allow it to reveal itself, allow it to have people along the way to help me?

Now, I think of Kelly Casperson and the work she does and other people that are out there that are helping women in midlife. Women in midlife, sexuality, post-menopausal, perimenopausal, sexuality is not what we were taught years ago. It’s evolving and changing. We get to be sexual beings. We get to continue this journey. We get to have fun with this all. Maybe our mothers didn’t have the same knowledge. And maybe when they went to the doctors, they were told, “That’s just the way it is, it’s postmenopausal. You’re not really going to be having any sex, good luck.”

But that’s not what our journey has to look like now. Our journey gets to be so different and so amazing. And it gets to be anything, anything that we want it to be. It gets to be better than sex in our 30s and our 20s. Honestly, the sexual intimacy that we had in our 20s and 30s, that was probably kind of along the written textbook of how things should go, possibly, not necessarily. But very often we have a concept of how sex should be, what is, ‘the perfect sex’ at that time when you’re interacting with somebody. You’re making sure you focus on their needs and their pleasure.

You’re focused on looking a certain way and being a certain way and it’s almost more like a performance. And now you’re in your 40s, 50s, 60s and you get to let go of the performance. You get to be you. So as you’re going down this journey, what does that look like for you? What does it get to look like for you? We’re starting 2024, what do you want to do this year? My partner and I had decided that we want to go dancing more because we both love to dance. But we focus so much on working hard and things like that but it’s time to have a little bit of fun.

Is it time for you to have a little bit of fun as well? These are important questions. So let’s look and see a little bit more about the fool. And the fool has a very negative connotation. When we think of the fool, we think it’s somebody that is not logical, somebody that’s not informed, somebody that’s making poor decisions for themselves, that may impact others. Or we could see it as kind of more of a naive or kind of more of an open individual, that’s willing to see what is out there. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a problem.

So in the Light Seer’s Tarot book, it says the fool, new beginnings, potential, adventure, enthusiasm. I love that. Enthusiasm, we get to have enthusiasm for 2024. And a lot has happened in our lives over the last couple of years with COVID. So much has happened in the last three years that we could not imagine. And as we go into 2024, many of us may be dragging, dragging our asses, dragging the weight of the world on our shoulders, wondering if things are ever going to get better.

And then we look and we see that we can have enthusiasm. We can focus on new beginnings, new adventures. And also is listed as an awakening, an innocence and an optimism. So as we start 2024, I choose to be the fool, be the optimistic person. And I was not raised to be an optimistic person at all. And yet in my late 50s, I’ve decided why not, why the hell not? Why not be optimistic? What is the worst thing that could happen?

My teenager mind or my mind in my 20s, somebody that had gone through a lot of trauma would say, “Optimism is not for me. Pessimism is so much better, that protects me from things because I’m not expecting anything to go well. So therefore, when it doesn’t go well, I don’t get disappointed, I don’t get hurt.” It’s a way to protect. But is it really a way of protecting yourself or is it a way of not living? Is it a way of, I’m not going to hope, I’m not going to feel, I’m not going to expect? We get to be optimistic. What’s the worst thing that can happen if you’re optimistic?

Things may not exactly go how you plan it, but it may be even better than you planned. But if you’re focusing on the pessimistic side of things, it might tend to be a little bit more negative. You may not try new things. You may not approach the world with a more positive attitude. I think as we head into 2024 we need a little optimism. I think we’ve kind of been burnt out over the years of everything that’s happened in our lives and in our society and with COVID and with so much.

So as we enter 2024, is there anybody else that would like to enter 2024 as the fool, with the ability to think, hey, it’s time for an adventure? I think women in midlife should have so many adventures because usually up until this point, we’ve done everything that everybody else wanted us to do. We’ve been the good girl. We’ve been the great wife. We’ve been the good partner. We’ve been the wonderful mom. We’ve done the great work, employee type of thing, run the business. It is time for a little bit of fun.

It is time for a little bit of wonder and optimism and choosing to step forth, not necessarily knowing what this is all about, which I think is pretty cool. So as we start 2024, I invite you to be a fool in so many aspects of your life, and of course, sexually. What would it look like to be a sexual fool? What would it look like to buy a new vibrator, a new toy? What would it look like to have a conversation with yourself and/or with your partner about what you would like in the bedroom, what you would like this to be outside of the bedroom?

So as I look at these new beginnings, new adventures, enthusiasm, awakening, innocence, optimism, that all sounds pretty good. And I choose that as opposed to the shadow side, which would be assuming you already have the answer, rash or impulsive choices, lacking experience, analysis paralysis. It’s interesting that analysis paralysis is put under the shadow side of being the fool. It’s when we want more and more data. We have to know everything before we even step out. We don’t. We don’t.

And you know what? If you look at any situation that’s impacted your life negatively, positively, we usually, we got as much data as we could, but that really didn’t impact the outcome. The outcome is what it was basically. So for this episode, Diamonds, it’s about stepping out in faith with enthusiasm, rewriting things, having an adventure, being playful. Being playful, that’s not something that I’ve done in my life.

At 57 years of age, I’ve decided that it’s time to be playful and everything doesn’t have to be perfect. And I get to let go of how everything has to be exactly like this in order to stay safe. And that’s also another reflection of living a post-traumatic life, where you have to find everything has to be a certain way in order for you to stay safe. I don’t want to play that way anymore. And I’m encouraging and inviting my Diamonds not to play that way anymore either. Let’s have some fun with this.

Alright, Diamonds, that was a fun podcast. So good talking to you. Tell me what you think about being the fool, about adventures, about new ways of doing things. And let’s continue to have some fun with this. Alright, so good talking to you all. I love you all Diamonds. Thank you for holding firm and being there when I was on my sabbatical and thank you for returning for more fun. Alright, Dr. Sonia out.

Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast. If you enjoyed Doctor Sonia’s fun and caring approach to sexual intimacy, head to Soniawrightmd.com to learn more.

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Sonia Wright MD

Hi, I’m Dr. Sonia Wright and I’m YOUR SEX COACH! I’m on a mission to end the pain and isolation associated with sexual difficulties and to help women create satisfying sex lives.

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