Ep #44: Flowerside Chat Q&A: Part Two

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, episode 44.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello Diamonds, greetings once again from Hawaii. I hope you’re all doing well. Today I have the second half of the flowerside chat for you while I’m working in Hawaii. A lot of things have been happening as I’m learning to run my business from Hawaii. I’m only here for a little time this year and maybe longer next year.

I did have some glitches with my personal hotspot, but I got that sorted out. I also had a weird double vision episode which was a little scary since I’m a radiologist, but it actually resolved within a short period of time. So, I was pretty happy about that. I think it was probably I kind of got an irritation in my cornea or something when I was in the pool with my daughter since that’s what I’m spending half the time, is to create quality time with my daughter, since these kids grow up so fast.

But having this episode with the double vision really made me realize how important it is to contribute your gifts for the good of society, be it my gifts as a radiologist, or my gifts as a sex coach. Both are really important to me. And that’s why I love doing the free flowerside chats and questions and answers. It gives me an opportunity to connect with women across the country and the world actually, and to share my sex coaching talents with as many women as possible.

So, this week sit back and relax and enjoy part two of the flowerside chat. And of course, it has one of my favorite coaches, Coach Donna that I kind of interact with and talk to a little bit more. And you will be hearing more about us in the future. We do plan to be doing more projects together and of course Coach Donna leads the general life coaching component in my YES program, which is my monthly membership program. So, check out the link in the show notes to learn more about YES or check out the link at my website at soniawrightmd.com.

Okay Diamonds, enjoy yourself and I’ll talk to you soon. Take care.

                                                                                                                   

Donna: Next question is, I’m having sex now for the first time in years and I can’t seem to have an orgasm. Why is it that as we women get older it’s so hard to have one?

Sonia: Yeah, this is a very, very good question to ask, and we have a person within our group called Evelyn Rush, and she’s going to be giving two sessions a month with me. And we’re going to be talking about the physiological changes that go on especially for women over 50. So, this is, I’m not quite certain how old, but if we’re in perimenopause, or menopause, or post menopause our estrogen levels are dropping essentially.

And when our estrogen levels are dropping, then things are changing in our bodies and we find that previously maybe we could have an orgasm easier than we had previously. And so basically what happens is when our estrogen drops the nerve endings can decrease in the areas, we can get atrophy in our vulva region. And I’m looking for Iris, my vulva puppet, where’s Iris?

Donna: Oh no, where is Iris?

Sonia: Where is Iris? Iris. Excuse me. Iris is under a table. That’s not a good place for my vulva puppet. I’m sorry, Iris, so sorry. But basically, when we go through menopause and the estrogen, and the testosterone, and the androgens, it’s not just estrogen, but estrogen is a main hormone. But it is also androgens and testosterone that women have to deal with. But if we don’t have any hormone replacement, and I’m talking about localized, you don’t have to get systemic, which would be a pill in your mouth.

But you can get creams or pills, estrogens pills and you can put them in your vagina and around your vulva. But if you don’t have any type of hormone replacement, then actually you can have what they call genitourinary syndrome of menopause which is GSM. And then we actually get atrophy and shrinkage of our – this is the outer lips and this is the inner lips. The inner lips can actually get smaller. And then we can also get this, this is the little rosette or the little opening between our bladder and the outside, and that’s the urethra opening.

And because the other structure of the vulva can shrink, then the urethra opening can actually get larger. And that can lead to some inflammation and infections. It makes it easier for infections to get in there. And so, we start having some urinary symptoms as well that can occur. So basically, when we get to this place where we may be not having the orgasms that we used to have, and part of it can be that we’re not exposed to the estrogens, androgens that we were exposed to previously.

And then part of it is that we continuously, our bodies kind of are always changing. And so, things that might have stimulated you in the past and really got you going may not necessarily be what works now. And so, it’s also a matter of knowing what pleasures us, when we self-pleasure to have an understanding of our body as well.

So, it may be, I don’t know if you have had a chance to be masturbating over these years because it says you’re having sex for the first time in a number of years. I’m not sure if you’ve been having an unassuming penetrated sex, because when most people talk about sex or sexual intimacy, they’re talking about penetrative sex. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be obviously.

I like to think of sexual intimacy as any different number of experiences that include connection, pleasure, and satisfaction, those are the key things that are really appreciated and enjoy, or I think is important to have when we’re talking about sexual intimacy. So, if it’s the case that you haven’t had penetrative sex in a long time, the question is, have you been able to self-pleasure over this period of time? And if not, then it’s going to be a matter of getting used to your body and figuring out what gives you pleasure. And then incorporating that in there.

And then I’ll talk about this a little later. But also, it’s going to be important to, you might want to add in some toys because if our nerve endings are not quite there the way they were before, and if the blood flow’s not quite there and if there’s atrophy. Well, first, if you’re having any problems with that then go see your gynecologist or your primary care doctor and get prescription for localized estrogen.

But on the other side of that then you’d also want to be doing self-pleasure and then also you might want to incorporate some toys because you may need a stronger vibration than just your hand. Maybe self-pleasuring with your hand worked well before but now you might need to engage and utilize some toys to kind of give you a stronger vibration in order to enjoy things a little bit more.

Donna: Yeah. Great. We do have a question. Can we talk about how we deal with ED?

Sonia: Yeah, so with ED, I’m assuming you’re talking about erectile disfunction. And that is something that a lot of men start having this issue in their 40s actually. So, if you haven’t encountered it yet, it may be the case that you may be dealing with a partner that is dealing with erectile disfunction. So, a lot of times we just like to throw a pill at it, we just like to be like, “Okay, here, take this pill and good luck and I won’t see you again for a while.” But at the same time there’s more to it than that.

One thing is that when you have erectile disfunction there is a change in the sexual intimacy that you’ve previously had. And so very often we’re so focused on the partner that has the erectile disfunction or erectile difficulties, if you don’t like to use the word disfunction, so the erectile difficulties and we focus in on them.

Well, the first thing that I like to talk to people about is basically make sure that they are actually being checked out by their physician. Because this could be a symptom or a sign of cardiovascular abnormalities going on. And the penile vessels are very small compared to vessels like the aorta or the coronary arteries. Well, actually coronary arteries are really small, but the carotid in the neck. But the penile vessels are very small.

And so, if there’s [inaudible] sclerotic changes or a thickening of the wall happening and the lumen is getting smaller and smaller and you can’t get blood flow to the region. Well, that’s happening in the other vessels as well. And so, you want to get that checked out. So, the first thing is go check in with your doctor and make sure that you’re not having cardiovascular issues going on.

The second thing is in our society we put so much focus on an erect penis. It’s like we talk about that this is the end all and be all basically for a man, is the penal function. But to be aware, you can have an erection or not have an erection, you can still have, a man can still have an orgasm without an erect penis. So, you can still have an orgasm, you can still have pleasure. So now it’s a matter of what do you deal with it?

Well, if you can, well, one, you go to the doctor to check on the cardiovascular aspect of things. But also, you would go to a doctor also a type of doctor which is a urologist. And a urologist often treats and helps issues around ED. And so, there’s different pills that you can take. There’s shots that can be injected into the penis. There’s penile pumps that you can use and then you put a cock ring around it. There’s number of different things that can be done. There’s implants that can happen. So those are the medical side of things that can happen.

So, I’ve dealt with what’s going on cardiovascularly, what can happen when you see the urologist. But then also there is just the what’s happening between you and your partner. So, on the one hand, there is a loss that’s happened here. And so often we’re spending so much time focusing on the partner and their erection difficulties that we don’t specifically focus on the woman that is dealing with the loss of the sex and sexual intimacy that she has had in the past.

And maybe she really enjoys penetrative sex. And now not certain if the penetrative sex is going to be there or if it’s not going to be there. And so, she might be worried about her partner, worried about if the person is going to be able to sustain an erection. It brings up a lot of thoughts. And as life coaches this is where I come in as well in terms of helping people figure out how to be engaged and how to have the sexual intimacy when they may or may not be able to sustain an erection. So that becomes equally as important.

And part of that is to recognize that sexual intimacy is more than just penetrative sex. There’s a lot of different ways that you can engage in sexual intimacy and it doesn’t specifically just have to be penetrative sex.

Donna: Are you ready for the next one?

Sonia: Yes.

Donna: I want to make sure you hadn’t just stopped to breathe and take a sip. And I didn’t want to derail that train of thought. It was fabulous cover from beginning to end, nice touching on all of those parts. So, would masturbating more regularly make it more likely to have a higher libido with my partner or easier to orgasm physiologically?

Sonia: So, yes and no. Yes because, well, yes for many different reasons. So, I think it’s not yes and no. I think it’s yes for many different reasons. One reason is if you’re masturbating you’re getting blood flow to your genitalia all the time, which keeps it healthier. So that’s one good thing. If you’re masturbating then you also have a sense of your body and where are the best areas to stimulate. So, I like to bring out Goldie, my clitoris. And so, my clitoris friend, 3D model. Let’s be clear about that.

Okay, so we all talk about just this tip here of the clitoris. And so, we think this is what the clitoris is. But the clitoris is actually this whole structure here. It has the gland, which is the tip, it has the neck. And then it has the four legs that come down and wrap around the opening of the vagina right here. But we need to have a sense of what our clitoris looks like. And we need to have an idea of our vulva and where our pleasure zones are on our vulva.

So, masturbation helps us understand the pleasure zones on our body. So, it helps us get a better idea of the structures on our body, where to stimulate. Do you like to be touched on the left side or the right side, or just right in the center, in the glands, those type of things? So that’s also something that’s important for masturbation. But masturbation also teaches our body how to respond to sexual stimulation.

Now, you can imagine for the person previously that’s like I’m now having sex for the first time in a long time. If that person has not masturbated over all these years, her body’s not used to responding to sexual stimulation. It might be a little confused. It’s like, something’s happening and I’m not exactly certain what to do. But if you’re regularly self-pleasuring, your body’s like I’ve got this. I know where we go with this. I know what this is like. And this is going to lead to this and this is going to lead to this.

And you might be able to hit your thresholds easier because you’re masturbating and you know how your body works. If you’re not masturbating a lot then you maybe get into this place of performance anxiety. And so, performance anxiety where you’re not sure what your body’s going to do, you have thoughts about I don’t know if it’s going to perform well. I don’t know if I’m going to take too long for an orgasm, all these type of things.

Whereas when you’re masturbating or self-pleasuring you know about your body. You know hold long it takes you to cum. You know what exactly what sensations you need that are going to help you be more interested in sex and sexuality. So that’s a good questions in terms of would masturbating more regularly make it more likely to have a higher libido.

I think that it can make it more regularly that you have a higher libido because your body is used to a certain stimulation and that your body knows what to do. And then also you can teach your partner, if you know and understand your own body then you can teach your partner what it is that you enjoy bout your body which makes it also easier for you to orgasm. And then also I love the fact that it’s about taking responsibility. I’m all about the responsibility. Taking responsibility for your orgasm or being the one, you’re empowered to have your orgasm.

And I’m going to take a second to talk about orgasms because as people you have orgasms in whatever way you have orgasms. Some women think that there’s only one way that you can have – you should have an orgasm which is with penetrative sex. Our society talks about orgasms and that being with penetrative sex. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Only 15% of women have an orgasm with penetrative sex alone.

The majority of women need some sort of stimulation to their vulva in conjunction with penetrative sex or they just need stimulation to their clitoris in order to get pleasure and in order to have an orgasm. But if we have this concept that there’s a narrow definition of how we can get an orgasm. And if we don’t fit that narrow definition of how we’re supposed to get the ideal orgasm then we get to this place where we’re feeling like there’s something wrong with us. And I just want to make sure that we understand, whatever way you get your orgasm is completely fine.

There’s some people that will get an orgasm from manual stimulation. There’s some people that will get an orgasm through oral stimulation. There’s some people that’ll get an orgasm through rubbing themselves on like a pillow. That’s completely fine. There’s some people that don’t want to be touched while they’re getting to the place of having an orgasm. There’s other people that need to be on their stomach. We all have our own different ways. Bodies are all a little unique. We have our own unique way of orgasming.

So, nobody gets to tell you what is the ideal way to orgasm or to say that that’s kind of weird or different if you’re doing things a little differently than what they expect. Alrighty, let’s see. Any more questions that we can answer for you? I love doing these sessions because it brings up a lot of good questions from people.

And people are talking about the TENGA egg and they had a question about the TENGA egg. So that is a masturbation sleeve. I should just order some masturbation sleeves. In fact, I think that I’m going to do an unboxing of masturbation sleeves. I’m going to put that on my list of things to order. But basically, a masturbation sleeve, it’s kind of like a toilet roll, like the center of the toilet roll. But imagine that it’s made out of silicone. And it has lots of textures inside of it. And so maybe you put some lube on.

And if you have a penis, a person with a penis then you can use the TENGA, the masturbation sleeve and put the penis inside of it and then you would just use the masturbation sleeve. And it’s very pleasurable and people enjoy it. So that’s kind of what a masturbation sleeve or a TENGA egg is. There’s something called a fleshlight, as opposed to a flashlight. It’s called a fleshlight. And that is a bigger version of a masturbation sleeve. And so that one is a pretty popular one as well.

And there’s different vibrators that are out there for men now. So, there’s the – I think it’s called the Octopussy. There’s a number of different – I know, there’s somebody sitting in a room trying to think of names for sex toys.

Donna: Or a James Bond fan as well.

Sonia: I know, exactly. But there’s different vibrators that are out there for people with penises as well. So that is also a good thing. So, I think that it’s kind of fun that there’s more and more sex toys out there. I’m definitely one that advocates for sex toys. And we’re going to talk a little bit more about sex toys. But one thing I think is important is that – and this goes along with getting your orgasm whatever way you want to have your orgasm is in terms of bringing the toys to the bed. There’s nothing wrong with bringing the toys to the bed.

I think that maybe Donna, you and I grew up at a time where – and I still think it persists now where if you’ve brought toys to the bed then you’re saying something about your partner, that they’re not good in bed and these type of ideas. But they’re old ideas that are not helpful. And especially if your orgasms have changed and you need more consistent vibration in order to have an orgasm then it’s something that’s very important to bring the toys to the bed. And so, we’re going to start talking about toys.

But is there any other questions that people might have before we start talking about different toys that are out there for women?

Donna: We are caught up so far. And I really think a lot of the – I love it when this happens. I’m very confident that things overlap and other people learn from the same questions that someone asks, others benefit from the answer to that because they might have had a similar type of question, so there’s quite a good variety.

Sonia: Let see. I want to just talk a little bit about some of these I’ve talked about previously. But I always love these, I get a lot of people that are saying to me, “What are the best vibrators to start with?” And if you haven’t really used a vibrator before you don’t necessarily need to start with the Hitachi Magic Wand which is – it’s got an intensive motor. You could probably mow the lawn with that thing. So, Donna, if you would do me the honor of typing in and sharing the names of things with the panelists and the attendees as I go through these things.

So, let’s see, I usually start with this nice little one and it’s made by Dame, D.a.m.e. And this one is the Pom, P.o.m.

Donna: P.o.m.?

Sonia: Yeah. You would think it would be P.a.l.m, but it’s P.o.m. And so, this I like, it’s just this nice ergonomic thing. It’s got a little power button on the back here. You can turn it on. And it’s really nice and quiet. I don’t know if you can hear that at all. I’m putting it next to my mic. But it has a little power button on the back. And this one is – and it has different speeds. You can make it more intense or less intense. And then this is the on/off button.

So, this is – if people haven’t really used a vibrator and they might get intimidated by a vibrator, I like this one because it’s just so beautiful. How could you not love this thing? It just makes me happy in more than one way. But that one is one of my favorite ones.

Donna: And that would be a good introductory?

Sonia: I would say that, yeah, there is like the bullet ones and so you can start, I don’t like the bullet ones as much because, honestly, things can get a little slippery. And now that we’ve talked about slippery I need to mention about lubes because I think lubes are something that’s really important, especially when women are perimenopausal on up to menopause and beyond. We start losing our lubrication. This is real and if that’s the case then we need to be aware of lubricants.

And so, if you’re masturbating and you feel things are a little dry, no, you don’t have to put up with that, go ahead. Or if you’re having sex, go ahead and use a lube, it’s something that’s really important to use and to add in. And there’s different lubes that are out there. There’s so many different lubes out there. And so, you could use more of the oil based ones. But if you’re going to use a barrier method like a condom or something like that, you wouldn’t necessarily be wanting to use an oil based one.

But if you’re using oil based like coconut oil, or shea butters or things like that, those ones are oil based ones. And they’re nice but they’re not something that you want to use with a condom and things like that. So, then there’s also the silicone based ones. For postmenopausal women I usually suggest the silicone based ones. And I usually like Uberlube in terms of a silicone based one. U.b.e.r. Uberlube.

Donna: Yeah, okay, just like, picks you up at the airport?

Sonia: Yeah. Well, Uber, yeah. I hadn’t really thought of it but yes.

Donna: Never take one of those rides again without thinking, yeah. Silicone, okay.

Sonia: Yeah. So that one is silicone. And then the water based one. There’s a lot of water based ones. I usually don’t like the lubes that they sell in the grocery stores and stuff like that because they have a lot of sugars in them. And if you have a problem with yeast infections and stuff, it can throw off the flora and fauna in your private area, in your vulva region. And so, then you can end up with yeast infection or overgrowths and things like that. So, I usually like the ones that have less sugar in them.

And my favorite water based one is Sutil, S.u.t.i.l., that definitely is my favorite one. Let’s see. It looks like somebody had a specific question. How do you use the Pom? Well, let’s bring the Pom out and let’s talk about that. But as I was saying, the water based and like Sutil, is Sliquid, there’s Sliquid brand. And then on the silicone based one, there’s Pejur, P.e.j.u.r. And then there’s a hybrid which is a mixture of water and silicone as well. So that also is something that you can look into. So those are some lubes.

But the thing about lubes is use it often, use it frequently, reapply it, don’t have any concerns about reapplying it. So, somebody was asking, how do you use the Pom? This is Iris, my vulva puppet and this is the Pom. There is a little button here, sorry. Let me move this out of the way for a minute. It’s so funny because I have the Pom vibrating here. Okay, so there is a button here and this is an on/off button. So, then you turn that button. If you press the button several different times it has a different vibration pattern. I’m not sure if you can hear the different vibration patterns.

And so, then you can just lie down and you can take this little part here, this little nubbing part here. And you can rub it anywhere along the lips of your vulva. This is the clitoris right here. You could do it on your clitoris, if your clitoris is too sensitive. Now, remember the legs of the clitoris are deep to your inner lips. And so, you can rub it along your inner lips as well. I usually don’t put this inside but it can be, but it’s usually just to stimulate on the outside really.

And so, as I mentioned before, I don’t know if you can see it. There you can. And it has an intensity. So, you can press on this side which makes it stronger. And you can press on this side which makes it more steadier. Some people like a more – type of vibration. And some people like a more buzzier type of vibration so that gives you options. And then when you’re done with it you just press the on/off button right there and then it stops. So that’s how you use the Pom.

Let’s see. If there’s any other questions feel free to put it in there. And let’s see how we’re doing on time. We’ve got a couple more minutes. So, this is the Volta, this is another one of the starter vibrators that I really like. It’s by Fun Factory. And then you can see this has three buttons. The red one is the power button which turns it on. And you can see this has got dolphin flippers. Do you see the dolphin flippers? And so, you could put that – you just could not help yourself, Donna.

Donna: I couldn’t help myself. Sorry.

Sonia: The dolphin flippers and Donna are both going – so you can put it right on the clitoris or you can put it down the lips of the vulva as well. And this one actually could be inserted if you wanted to. But what’s really nice about it is it kind of curves onto your vulva. And so, you can be lying down and it has this nice handheld part. So, you can get a good grip on it and then you can just – you can explore your vulva with this because it has a nice tip on it. And so, you can just go all over your vulva and find where your spots are that you really like. So, this is the Fun Factory Volta.

Donna: Volta?

Sonia: It’s from Fun Factory. I love Fun Factory, it’s out of Germany. It’s got this incredible motor and it’s got a two year warranty on it. Just to note, you may not want to get your sex toys from a third party like Amazon or something like that because often the warranty is no longer in effect if a third party is involved. And so, you might want to get it from sex toy stores like the Smitten Kitten online and some other places where you can get it. Shani Hart who comes and talks to us, she has Hart’s Desire, that’s another place that you can also get that toy.

So that is the Volta and by Fun Factory. And I love a lot of Fun Factory products. I’m going to talk to you for a second about these things. So, what exactly are these things? These are clitoral stimulators. And these are the next generation of sex toys for women.

And this one is by the Womanizer. It’s a Womanizer brand and they have quite a few of them. And then you just press this on/off button here. And I don’t know if you can hear but it makes a little – just a little – either they blow a little bit of air, little puffs of air right directly onto your clitoris. And I’m going to bring Goldie up here. And so, it would go right onto your clitoris here. And then the vibrations would go down, deeply down into your clitoris. And so, it might be puffs of air or it might be some little sonic thing. But it actually goes through the vibration of your clitoris.

And so, these are called stimulators. These are actually for the clitoris, directly on the clitoris. And so, they’re a little bit different from the vibrators and these go directly onto the clitoris. And sometimes they kind of will put a little seal right up against the clitoris and directly stimulate the clitoris. So, these are clitoral stimulators. And so, there’s different versions of them out there. And you might have heard of the SONA 2 as well, but it’s some sort of version.

But this, if you’re feeling that your orgasms are not as strong as they were previously you might want to try one of these clitoral stimulators and see if that can help you with that. Let me see. Here’s another version. This one is by Satisfyer and this one is called the Curvy 2. And a Curvy 2 by Satisfyer, it also has this little part where you can stimulate directly. And then this one, I think the power is – you always have to find the button. So, this one has a part that just gives little puffs right there. But it also has a vibration.

So, if you want the vibrator only then you press one part of it and there’s the vibrator only, or you can get the vibrator puff plus the clitoral stimulator portion of it. And then if you want to change it up a little bit you just press this button here. And so, these are the different ones that are out there. So, this one is by Satisfyer and then when you want to turn it off, most of the things, if you press the power button for longer than three seconds you’ll turn them off. So, this is the Satisfyer.

Let’s see. I’m cognizant of time here. If there’s any specific questions. How do men get arousal? I guess that how do men get arousal, I’m not sure if I understand the question. But usually, it’s how do they get aroused. So basically, you can stimulate their penis in some way. You can stimulate the base of the penis. There could be, if you want to use toys, the vibration goes through and it’s very – the interesting thing is the tissue in the penis and the tissue in the clitoris are very similar tissue. They come from the same origin. The embryologic origin of the tissue is similar.

And so, the same pleasure tissue that’s in the clitoris is also in the penis. And so that being the case you can stroke the penis, you can suck on the penis, whatever it is that you would do, there’s different parts of the penis that are more sensitive than other parts of the penis. You can use a little lube in your hand. There’s vibrators that you can use. There’s oral sex that you can do onto the penis. So, there’s a number of different ways. And then for men also, very pleasurable is stimulating their testicles or their balls, that also they can find that very pleasurable as well.

So that’s how men can get aroused. And then what I didn’t mention with this little Pom, which is one of the things that I love is that you can put it between you and your partner when you’re having sex. And so, you are getting direct stimulation to your clitoris, but they can also get stimulation, the vibration goes through to them as well. And so that can be very pleasurable for both of you.

And then that’s also what you can find with the Volta which is the reason why I like it. You can also put it down between two people and the vibration, and especially vibrations at the base of the penis is very pleasurable for men as well. Alrighty, so that was a little run through on different toys that are out there and different options that are out there for women. And any last questions before we call it a night? It’s been good having everybody on the call. Thank you for coming and thank you for asking.

And, Donna, thank you for co-hosting with me because I always like talking to you.

Donna: Yes, it was a pleasure. So much fun.

Sonia: So, if you have any other questions feel free to reach out and ask. And I’m more than happy to answer them. Okay, alrighty, have a great evening.

                                                                                                                   

Diamonds, how is your sex life? No, really, how is your sex life? On a scale of one to ten how would you rate it? You know I’m all about the intimacy for women in midlife. If you rated the passion in your life as less than an eight then we need to talk, sister. I’m personally inviting you to check out my new program, Your Empowered Sexuality 30 Day Kick Starter. I am so excited about this program. Most of you know that I have an impossible goal to positively impact the sex lives of over a million women. And I am just getting started.

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