There is so much expectation around Valentine’s Day and I want to help my Diamonds feel less stressed over it. So as you listen to this episode, I want you to take some time and really ponder what Valentine’s Day means to you. What would you like to do with it? You get to decide exactly how you want it and you don’t have to accept what society says it should be.
In this episode, we’re sharing some ideas to help you redefine and reinvent Valentine’s Day in a way that suits you. We talk about the commercialization of Valentine’s Day, different love languages, and societal expectations, and you’ll hear some of the things that attendees of the flower side chat love and hate about Valentine’s Day.
You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast episode 75.
Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.
Hello, hello, hello, Diamonds. I hope you’re all doing well. This is Dr. Sonia and I am here to introduce you to our final episode in the series of Reinventing Valentine’s Day. Myself and Coach Donna, we’ve been talking about reinventing Valentine’s Day for the last couple of episodes. And I just wanted to wrap it all up with this. We did a flowerside chat, and Q&A session, and some coaching. It’s kind of like a coaching discussion, like everything all wrapped into one. When we really were just thinking about how do we reinvent Valentine’s Day.
And we brought that concept up and kind of shift it over to the loving year. And so, as we finish this series I want you to just take some time and really ponder what Valentine’s means for you and what you would like to do with Valentine’s Day. If you want to make it into Valentine’s 365, whatever you want to do. Just get to think about it because it’s up to you. You have your choice and you can decide what you want to do with Valentine’s. You don’t have to accept what society says Valentine’s is all about or what media, or marketing wants Valentine’s to be about, you get to decide for you.
Okay, Diamonds, enjoy this episode and we will see you next week.
Welcome, welcome, welcome everybody. It’s so good to see you at the flowerside chat. I like to have this periodically so we can just have a chance to talk. And I have Coach Donna with me here today. And so, we’re both going to be talking to you. And we are going to be open for questions and answers for chat. We are talking about Valentine’s Day 365, also what I like to call reinventing Valentine’s Day. There is so much expectation around Valentine’s Day, I was just thinking, what can I do for my Diamonds?
What can I do for them so that they don’t have to be so stressed out Valentine’s Day, whether you’re partnered, or single, everybody’s kind of got their own thing that they’re stressing out about on Valentine’s Day. So, I want to make sure that we address any questions or any issues you have. And let’s just start by finding out where people are from. If you want to put in the chat where you’re listening in from, that would be great. If you’d like to have another layer of anonymity, go ahead and use the Q&A. You can be anonymous in the Q&A if you’d like, so go ahead and put that in there.
We just want to know where people are coming in from. You guys are coming in from all over the country. Boston ish, that’s so cool. And Maryland, Williamstown, Pennsylvania, Richmond, Virginia, Northeast Missouri, Minnesota and I’m of course Minnesotan as well from the twin cities. And, Donna, where are you? You used to be in Atlanta, Georgia, where are you now?
Donna: I am in Alexandria, Virginia, so, Richmond there looks familiar, and Clinton, Maryland looks familiar, so yeah, a little further north and east.
Sonia: Yeah. So, we have people joining us from all over. It’s so good to see you. And so, okay, we want to talk to you tonight about Valentine’s Day. First I want to ask you, put in the chat, or raise your hand, or put in the Q&A, what don’t you like about Valentine’s Day? What are some of the expectations that you don’t really care for, that you thought that you did not necessarily have a choice about? I can tell you, for me for Valentine’s Day for a number of years it was like, okay, chocolates, or flowers. It has to be the perfect day, the perfect date.
And go put in the chat, what are some expectations that society has about Valentine’s Day and what you would like – that you didn’t like about it. This is just to start thinking about what you didn’t necessarily like about Valentine’s Day. What I don’t like about it is we have a tendency to put everything on that one day. Why is there a 24 hour period of time where we choose to put the focus on, that is the epitome of loving? That’s really my question. Donna, what is it about Valentine’s Day that you don’t necessarily love?
Donna: Yeah. I actually just threw something in the chat there. The thing that comes to mind, my earliest thoughts about Valentine’s Day, thinking about it kind of more of a traditional mind was the idea of being externally validated, that I was desirable, lovable. And so, if I got a card, if I could say I got flowers, if I got chocolate, then there was a thumbs up and I qualify, and yeah, it qualified me.
Sonia: Like junior prom. Did you go to junior prom, did you not go to junior prom? It doesn’t matter but at the same time we make it mean something about ourselves. Other people say there’s so much focus on the money and the gifts and not really about the love and how to love. I love that. How to love, that definitely, that’s where we need to put the focus, on how to love, loving, being loved. But this external validation, this focus on money and on gifts, yeah, it has just become another way for people to feel less than in some way. And for other people to feel pressured.
Didn’t like getting chocolate candy, most of the flavors I didn’t like. Please, can we talk about this? What flavor do you like? Now I’m allergic to chocolate.
Sonia: I know, but when I could eat chocolate, the worst flavor was the strawberry creamy things.
Donna: Oh, I’ve got you.
Sonia: The coconut creamy ones. I like the caramels and I like the nuts. But you get the first couple that you know you like and then the rest you’re kind of squishing and trying to see if you can eat it or not.
Donna: You’ve kind of cracked it just a little bit to see what’s inside, you move on. Or pick it up and push your finger through the bottom of it and then set it back down so nobody knows, or it doesn’t look that way. So, somebody could feasibly pick it up, take a bite and think that they caused the disruption.
Sonia: Exactly. And then you start thinking, alright, somebody says that she loves toffee.
Sonia: The toffee. I like the toffee flavor.
Donna: I do like that one as well.
Sonia: It’s the favorite thing. The comparison, who got the biggest bouquet of flowers delivered at the office. Seriously. And why does it have to be the office as opposed to just at your house or something? Because it’s important for other people to know how loved you are. This is a setup for failure, that’s what I like to think of it. Okay, you need the flowers, you need to have the gift and the gift had to be better than last year. So, flowers, gifts, the card has to be everything. And if you don’t have a card, does that mean that you’re not loved or whatever?
The yeah, then you don’t just get flowers. Now you have to have the biggest bouquet of flowers. So, you’re so right about the external validation. And so, I just wanted to give my Diamonds the gift of, they can define Valentine’s Day for themselves. We looked at all the stuff we don’t like. And tonight, we’re going to be looking at what we would actually like Valentine’s Day to be about. If we can just say, “Yeah, I’ve had enough of finding the perfect card, and the perfect gift, and the perfect dinner, and the perfect restaurant, and the perfect reservation.”
And if all those do not line up then somebody doesn’t love me or I don’t love somebody else. And then since I’m a sex coach, then we get to the night. By the time you get to this point, you’re tired and exhausted and you just want to sleep. But then, okay, now it has to be about sex. And for those people that are solo partnered then they start asking themselves. I don’t have this external validation, does this matter to me? Am I valuable if I don’t have a partner? It’s almost like we need a rent-a-partner for Valentine’s Day.
Donna: Yes. I think that’s a Hallmark movie somewhere, probably more than one, [crosstalk] boyfriend because I have to go home and face my family.
Sonia: That’s right. And then you can just drop them back off because that’s a lot of work in between. But you just have the Valentine’s Day that you want. Actually, if we could script that, if we could say, “Okay, this is what I’d really want on my Valentine’s Day.” And I believe a lot in it about giving to yourself. This is what I would like my Valentine’s Day to be like. So, I’m going to ask all of you on the call if there’s something that you’d like to get coached on around Valentine’s Day. Your ideas of what Valentine’s Day should be.
Anything that you want to get coached on, you can either raise your hand, or you can put it in the chat, or put it in the Q&A, anything that’s concerning you, any way to look at this differently. We are all about reinventing Valentine’s Day 365. This is why I’m doing it here today on the 6th of February because I want everybody to have enough time to – eight days to decide, what is it that they actually want for themselves as opposed to having somebody else say to them. So, I have some questions that I wanted to ask.
What would you like Valentine’s Day to really be about? What do we get it to be about?
Donna: Yeah. What would you like it to be about and how do you feel about or how does it make you feel to tell your partner that? Or if you are not partnered, to go get what you want, whether that’s, would you take yourself out to sit at a table on Valentine’s Day and just treat yourself and not care if you’re by yourself?
Sonia: Yeah. I’ve actually been taking myself out to dinner and movies and everything my whole life it seems like since I was in my 20s. I just happened to have partners that are usually working late or doing something. And it didn’t necessarily work for them. And when I was by myself then I was like, I just really want to be kind to myself, and to be loving. And I didn’t want to set it up where I was trying to manipulate somebody into doing what I wanted them to do, yeah.
Donna: Right. Somebody says, yeah, I love taking me to dinner.
Sonia: Yeah, taking me to dinner is one of the most loving things that you can do. So, when we’re talking about Valentine’s Day, I coined the phrase minenetine’s day. This is my day. And they have palentine’s days out there. And I love that, I love the concept, that you can take your pal out. And if we lived a little closer I would take my pal, Donna out.
Donna: I would totally go out to dinner with you.
Sonia: For Valentine’s Day.
Donna: And that would be perfect, especially this year anyway, because David’s going to be studying.
Sonia: Yeah. That’s true, that’s so true. Well, we can have a virtual Valentine’s Day date.
Donna: Okay, I’m up for that.
Sonia: We can have some fun, yeah. We can do something there. So yeah, you get to take yourself out to dinner. And what else would you like to do? Would you like to buy yourself – I particularly like to buy myself diamonds. And actually, I buy the manmade ones because then I know nobody’s been exploited. And the manmade are so much cheaper that you can get just about anything that you want.
Donna: It’s a win/win, right?
Sonia: It is a win/win and it doesn’t cost tons of money, you can get whatever you ever wanted in terms of the perfect ring. You get to give it to yourself. You get to put it on your left hand or your right hand. You get to choose what you want to do, how you want to choose to do it. Let’s see. We have [inaudible], this year, VD is on a Monday. Yeah, this isn’t a day where I’m going to have a lot of time or energy really to make the day big. We’re doing an evening away on the 19th. That’s nice. So hopefully neither us will feel pressured to make the 14th a huge deal. Yeah, it doesn’t have to be a huge deal.
Donna: So you guys have planned the 19th, and have you discussed how you’re going to approach the 14th, like, “Hey, it’s Monday, and we have decided we’re going to celebrate on the 19th? Because that’s what we want Valentine’s to be, togetherness, connectedness, just us. So, you’ve already got time away, it doesn’t matter that it’s not on the 14th. Have you guys talked about that, so that that’s the plan? No, we haven’t, we need to do that. Thanks for that suggestion.
Yeah, so you say, “Look, the pressure’s off, no big deal.” And I know we talked about this a little bit the other day. But as I mentioned, David is starting a training, that it’s Monday through Thursday for two solid weeks, it’s four hours a night, four and a half hours for some nights. And he starts on Valentine’s Day. And I just had a client this morning I was talking to and we may be coaching. We may be doing a breakthrough intensive on Sunday and Monday, not because we’re disregarding Valentine’s Day.
But hey, what better way for her than to get this session for herself when she’s single? She’s not partnered. And just set some expectations there and David and I are going to do something different another time. So, it really works and it’s okay. Just how do you want to approach it? I think it’s a great exercise, and thinking for yourself what do you want, being okay with that and following through and not having to worry about answering to anybody.
Sonia: Yeah, I think definitely. That’s the whole theme of this. Let’s take back. You know where we take back the night, we burnt bras. Take back Valentine’s Day. We can all get together and burn the Valentine’s Day card and get back to actual real love, not the representation of love that somebody else would value and say, “You did it right.” But in all actuality, get back to the love of it all and the experience. And the being there for yourself, all of it. So yeah, you get to choose what you want to think about this.
So, Donna, I’m going to coach you a little bit. I’m going to pretend that you’re the American that’s been swayed by the media and by advertising.
Donna: Yeah, commercialized.
Sonia: Yeah. And so, if I ask you, okay, so what do you think about your partner starting his training on Valentine’s Day?
Donna: Well, I mean I will say that the initial response was, “Seriously?” And then the gut response was, seriously. And then I’m like, “Wait a minute.” This is what came in after that was, “Okay, this is how I can demonstrate to him that I love him. It’s okay if we don’t have that time together, we’ll have other times together and we’ll just make that count. So, there’s still the, I’m not ignoring. I’m sorry, maybe I should answer more shortly.
But there’s still the, I want to acknowledge the day and do something about it.
Sonia: Yeah. So how can you acknowledge the day and do something about it the way you would like to, not the way that it’s prescribed?
Donna: Yeah, I think the best way for me to answer that question is to say, what would be fun? And I think that I would like to do something at work, to appreciate our staff, to appreciate other people in the building. We have a couple of custodians that are dedicated to the area we work at, I work at. And yeah, and just let it be an appreciation day kind of thing.
Sonia: Yeah. So, what about for the person that put in this, in terms of not having a lot of time or energy to really make the day big. So, I think an acknowledge, it’s on a Monday. It’s the beginning of the week. We have a lot going on. And then we have that big day. And it goes back to why does it have to specifically be that big day? Why does it have to be February 14th and not the 13th or the 20th, or whatever? She’s planning on, they’re going away and having a lovely evening on the 19th.
So, when we’re in this place where we’re thinking we don’t have a lot of energy. Allow yourself to be in that place. If you don’t have the energy it’s okay. We don’t have to put so much on that day, we get to choose what it is. And in this case it might be just something that’s relaxing. And this is the same person that also mentioned that it comes back to really being about love and how to love. So, when we’re thinking of it that way, yeah, we get to choose something else in this case.
And that’s what I love about all this, is we get to choose something else. It’s okay if we don’t have the energy for that day. And so initially if you don’t have the energy for that day, maybe you’re thinking, goodness, I’ve got to do this, I don’t have the energy. And maybe your first thought is around dread, or resentment, or just not enthusiastic, unenthusiastic. That could be initially what you’re feeling about it. And then you get to decide what you want to feel about it.
So, what would you like to feel about that day? What would you like to feel about Monday in terms of right now you’re like, okay, I don’t have a lot of energy? What do you think you would choose to feel about it if you had the chance? So that would be a question that I have. We get to choose. And this is what I love is we get to choose how we want to feel about anything. This is the wonderful thing about the work we do around coaching just in general. We get to decide how we want to feel about something.
So, what do we want to feel about – and this is for everybody on the call, what do you want to feel about for Valentine’s Day?
Donna: Yeah. Now, I’d like to make a comment. I giggled, and I want to explain why I giggled when I read your description. And that is, okay, so it’s all just us now so I’ll just – one day my husband’s going to be like, “You said what.”
Sonia: And we’ll give you a disclaimer that this might be on my podcast just in case this is something that David may not want shared with everybody.
Donna: Alright, too late. So, here’s the deal. Here’s the deal. He knows, he knows if there’s more to come after dinner, if there is an expectation, then don’t feed me, because I’m going down. By the time we’re wrapping up the meal I am heading for a coma. And so, it’s better if I eat light. Or if there is some big plan as you say to make the day big, you don’t have the energy and it’s at the end of a long day, to make the day big I totally get that.
And the other thing in our house is, and it’s something we’ve just come to terms with, it’s just kind of just like this, and we do talk about it. If he wants to go get dinner and there’s that gleam in his eye, I’m like, “You know not to feed me, right?” And he’s like, “Oh.”
Sonia: So, what’s the deal, have an energy bar just in case you need something in the middle of some fun?
Donna: No, then it’s, we should just switch the evening around. Or make that service the way we want. You’re tired after a long day of being up and energetic at the office. And if you don’t have energy for that then we have a lovely Mexican place we love that we can swing by and bring dinner in.
Sonia: Then you have to bring the dinner in especially in this time of COVID.
Donna: And there’s totally options.
Sonia: And this time of the pandemic is actually helping us because we get to do it a different way. So, for all of you on this call, what would you want your Valentine’s Day to be like? If it could be anything at all, go ahead and put it in the chat what you’d want your Valentine’s Day to be like. You get to make it any way that you want to. And so, this is where we’re redoing Valentine’s Day. So, what is the first thing? So, we talked about some expectations that we wanted to get rid of. And the expectations were that it’s focused on money and gifts.
And then we said it’s focused on gifts that we don’t even like, like chocolate. If I got chocolate that probably wouldn’t be a good gift for me since I am allergic to chocolate. And then we talked about taking ourselves to dinner. And talked about the flowers have to be bigger than that. Those are all the expectations. Now I’m asking you to erase all the expectations and we’re starting with that clean slate. And so, then we’re asking ourselves, what is it that we want? If we can have anything for Valentine’s Day what would you want?
Would you want more sleep? Yeah, we [inaudible] more sleep. They wouldn’t like it to be a big deal. They’d like to get exactly what they want to get. So, if that’s the case, yeah, you get to buy yourself that diamond ring if you want that diamond ring. So, we’ve got sleep, people wanting diamond rings for themselves that they can buy for themselves. They get to redefine it in whatever way they want. And now the question that I have for all of you is if you’re thinking about having that the way you want it, having Valentine’s Day the way you want it, how will you need to feel?
I always go to the feeling. How will you need to feel in order to decide that you don’t want to make a big deal about Valentine’s Day? How do you need to feel? Do you need to feel confident? Donna, what do you think you would need to feel in order to just have the Valentine’s Day that you’re going to have, where you’re coaching with your client and you’re going to get on a call with me and check in?
Donna: Yeah. So, I’m thinking I would want to be relaxed, kind of not putting a lot of pressure on it. So relaxed, and open, and imaginative. That just popped in my head.
Sonia: So, relaxed, and open, and imaginative. And then we have another person saying they’d like to make it a time to cuddle and relax and not feel pressured. I think that is really important, the not feel pressured part of it. Why do we pressure ourselves? And why does society pressure us that it has to be a big day? Honestly, I think it’s like a big marketing scheme for retailers to make a lot of money. And to be intimate, let’s see, pressured. Time to cuddle, and relax, and not feel pressured on this specific day to be intimate unless we really feel like it.
Let me just tell you, everybody on this call, you get to give yourself permission to not be intimate if you don’t want to. You always have a choice. I like to talk about the zone of sexual safety. And consent is the most important part there. Now, there’s this formula that it’s almost like you have to check the box on Valentine’s Day, chocolates, check, flowers, check, loving card, check, dinner, check, sex, check.
But if you’re going to end up in this place where you’re checking the box that is to do list sex. You have now switched over to, to do list sex on the day that’s supposed to be the most intimate day for you. So, you get the choice, if this is what you want. You don’t need to decide that this is what you want to do, when you want to do it. So yeah, so, open, and imaginative, yeah. If you want to come from that place of feeling open, and relaxed, and not pressured then you look at the feeling and you – actually I like to embody that feeling. I like to feel what that feeling feels like for me.
What does relaxed feel like and look like? And even visualize it, what does relaxed and not pressured feel like and look like on Valentine’s Day? What does being relaxed, being not pressured feel like on Valentine’s Day? You get up, you’re just relaxed. And then once you have that feeling in your body of what it feels like to be relaxed on Valentine’s Day, so you’d have, if we’re going to do a thought cascade, you’d have Valentine’s Day. And then you’d have a feeling of not being pressured or relaxed, maybe you say relaxed.
And you know that you want to have time to cuddle. You don’t want to be pressured. Maybe you want to cuddle but you don’t want to have sex, maybe not penetrative sex, maybe a little make-out session. Now, you know the actions you want to take on that day. You know the feeling, which is relaxed. And so, the thought it is, what is the thought that’s going to allow you to feel relaxed on Valentine’s Day and it’s going to lead to these different actions. So maybe the thought is something like it’s just one day of 365 days.
So, the question is what is the feeling that you’d need in order to be like, okay, I’m more relaxed here, it’s not that important that these things have to happen. And then just switch to cuddling and loving, and relaxing, and enjoying your Valentine’s Day. And if you’re solo partnered, what is it that you need to feel so that you’re enjoying your day? So, if you’re solo partnered and it’s Valentine’s Day, maybe a thought that society wants you to think is I don’t have a partner and so therefore I don’t matter, or I’m not as valuable, or something like that and that might make you feel sad.
But we’re asking you to shift that. If you want to feel celebrating, or you want to feel happy and excited about Valentine’s Day, then what kind of thought do you think you would think in that instance? What do you think?
Donna: I would also like to add, this thought came to me and again this could be just in my mind as opposed to someone else’s mind, how I interpret something. But I think it’s important to not try to downplay that it’s Valentine’s Day. If you can sense that you’re trying to ignore the fact that it’s Valentine’s Day, then you’re not ignoring the fact that it’s Valentine’s Day. Then you’re still working around it. And so that thought might include, hey, I’m going to celebrate or I’m going to celebrate Valentine’s Day the way I want to and that’s totally fine.
So, then you are confronting that yeah, it’s Valentine’s Day, no getting around that. Part of me is like, well, you know, in my mind I feel like I can make it any other day of the week. Because as I pursue what does relaxation look like around the concept? I imagine just getting up like any other day, get up, walk the dogs out, as they are out doing their business, I start making coffee. I get their treats ready. We go through the same thing every morning. They come back in and they all have their treats in their separate little places. We go through that.
And then I get coffee, I sit for a few minutes chilled. And then start facing the day. And so, we’re waking up and here we go, but have some peace and quiet around there.
Sonia: Yeah. And I like that idea too. But I have to say, one thing I do love about Valentine’s Day is the focus on love. And so, I just don’t like all the commercialism that’s gone into it and the materialistic aspect that’s gone into it. So, I would probably want to add in something around appreciation of love or something like that. Or I still would like to celebrate the love side of things.
Donna: Okay. [Crosstalk], anyway so.
Sonia: So, we had talked about you get to make Valentine’s Day your day. And I had come up with this idea, if anybody had listened to my last podcast about the Valentine’s burger bar, or the Valentine’s Day bar, where you add whatever you want into Valentine’s Day. You don’t have to go by some prescribed script of the way it should be. But you get to go, it’s like a Valentine’s Day buffet basically. And you get to add what it is that you want to add to Valentine’s Day. So, what is it that people on the call would like to add to Valentine’s Day?
What would you like to add to your version of Valentine’s Day? That’s definitely something that I wanted to check in with. I think for me, it’s not as much about the presents and the gifts, and the things like that. But it is the focus on the love side of things. And then it doesn’t just have to be a romantic love. But I would say the foundation would be self-love in there. And so, I guess that a question is to the people on the call, how would you like to celebrate self-love? Or do you want to celebrate self-love on Valentine’s Day as we go and do this work of reinventing Valentine’s Day?
What do you think? Do you want to make Valentine’s Day about you? Because ultimately people have been manipulating people and trying to follow the script in order to validate themselves. What about just validating yourself, not having to jump through all these hoops or get somebody else to jump through all these hoops to validate yourself? Yeah, so yeah.
Donna: A hot bath for me.
Sonia: A hot bath.
Donna: I like that, I enjoy that, nice and relaxing, and peaceful, and again, relaxing and just easing out of the day. That would be on my buffet. I’m trying not to get anything else on the buffet wet, but anyway.
Sonia: You’re so silly.
Donna: [Inaudible] spill over on the chocolates.
Sonia: And we could put anything on that buffet. What would I want to put on that buffet? Well, I’m in Minnesota right now and it’s negative 10 degrees out there. I would love to put on a walk outside in nature but that might not be the top of the list. I might have to wait on that one. But it might be a walk on my treadmill. It might just be a beautiful dinner with myself. It might be taking the time for a nap in the middle of the day. So, what does self-love look like on Valentine’s Day? I think that that would be something important to ask.
So, what else would other people like to put on Valentine’s Day as we look at redefining it? So, we mentioned we can redefine Valentine’s Day in terms of the day itself with your partner. But what about the day itself with yourself? I think that that also becomes part of redefining. And then if you have any children, I think that that’s also important to model it a different way for them as well for the next generation.
Donna: [Inaudible] going on in the back of my mind about how early do you think kids start feeling any kind of pressure about that? And I mean I can remember elementary school as far back in school as you could go of again, having the little – people would buy the boxes of cards, notoriously I think about Charlie Brown, and there’s Snoopy, and Lucy. And it’s got some little saying on it and then it’s from and to. And they’re passing those out. And obviously things have changed since then somewhat.
And I’m curious about what our kids experience and the pressure on them, what it means to them. How can we support them to demonstrate putting this date and the, if you will, commercialization of it into perspective and give them a newer perspective of it? I would imagine, hey, what if it was a family time, we committed that whatever our family likes to do but it’s something that brings us together. And we do something together. I mean here is your unit, where you belong.
And no matter what, this is home for you. And so, whatever the pressures are, whoever’s passing out cards and not passing out cards, and making comments, and whatever, here is your home. And where you will always have a root of love and belonging.
Sonia: Yeah, I think that’s really important because you know I have a nine year old daughter. I think most people know I have a nine year old. I have a 22 year old and I have a nine year old. And Valentine’s, it’s almost like two different generations or half generations that I’ve done the parenting with Valentine’s Day. And when I was doing it with the one it was about making your own cards and things like that. And then with the second one, the way that they have it is such that going back and looking at the cards that you used to buy the little, teeny cards.
Now the cards either has candy attached to it or it has a toy attached to it. So, it’s almost like we’re indoctrinating the kids earlier. It’s not a little card that says, “I like you”, or, “You’re a good person”, or something, and then you just drop it off. Or a card where you made the card and drop it off. Now it has to have something attached to it. So, we’re starting earlier and earlier. It has to have some sort of candy, so some sort of sugar. And if you think about it, sugar’s a really good dopamine hit.
So, we’re already getting to that place where we’re attaching dopamine hits to toys and to gifts for these little kids. So yeah, we have people that are saying, “Making myself a caramel macchiato at home, staying in my pajamas.” This is so good. So, people are defining what would Valentine’s Day be for themselves. So caramel macchiatos, staying in my pajamas. And could I add, no bra, please?
Donna: Until I’m ready to take them off.
Sonia: Until I’m ready to take them off. Making myself a nice candlelit dinner, yes. Sometimes just being so good to yourself, ending the day with a glass of wine and a bowl of popcorn while reading a good book or watching a good movie. Now, there is a Valentine’s Day that I want actually.
Donna: I can get behind that, yeah.
Sonia: Can we all just say yes to this Valentine’s Day, caramel macchiato in the morning, pajamas all day till you’re ready to take them off. Making myself a nice candlelit dinner, exactly the way I want it. Ending the day with a glass of wine and a bowl of popcorn, reading a good book or watching a good movie. That is an excellent Valentine’s Day. That gets a stamp.
Donna: Dr. Sonia’s stamp of approval.
Sonia: Yeah. I’m always talking about the triad of sexual intimacy, or just intimacy in general, just love in general, satisfaction, connection, pleasure. Is there satisfaction here? Yes. Is there pleasure here? Of course. Is there connection here? Yes. This is beautiful.
Donna: “Part of what makes me happy on Valentine’s Day is sending short texts to friends and family to acknowledge their importance in my life.”
Sonia: I like that. I love that. Now, that is beautiful. That really is about the essence of Valentine’s Day. Sending short texts to people, friends and family to acknowledge their importance. I am going to borrow that, and I thank you. That is so good, yes. That is so good. Okay, let’s see. Who else has got something to say? For children giving cards to classmates, yeah.
Donna: The joy of giving.
Sonia: Yeah. So, what is that? For children giving cards to classmates, show joy of giving, showing love to all, love being freely given to all. That is also very beautiful, very beautiful as well. [Inaudible] chat, okay. So yeah, so children giving cards to classmates to show joy of giving, showing love to all and love being freely given to all.
Donna: [Crosstalk] it sounds like.
Sonia: Yeah, I love the freely given part and giving it to all. So yeah, that’s a beautiful part about when we do have Valentine’s Day for kids and it’s not about the toys. I give my kids, seed packets. I love that as well. Now we’re talking about giving life, and [crosstalk], and learning a skill, and learning gardening. We were talking about this on the last podcast that’s going to be released next week about how I had this indoor thing and all my plants died. I was like, I decided I wanted to be a gardener and I bought this indoor gardening kit and it’s just not pretty.
But I love the idea of giving seed packets. And maybe I’ll start again. But I do love that idea of giving a seed packet, definitely. Definitely that is so good. I bake with my children who create different desserts of love. That is another one, that is so good. I bake with my children who create different desserts of love. That’s beautiful. That’s sharing, that’s spending time. That’s some quality time, some quality time without the pressure. It’s not that you have to create something and it’s not that you have to take pictures and post it all over social media.
It’s spending time with your children and really enjoying that. That is beautiful as well.
Donna: And I couldn’t help but think about the love language as I’m hearing what’s being done here. And so, there are gifts but there’s a lot of quality time. And taking the time to the acts of service.
Sonia: Yeah, that’s thinking about acts of service to kids.
Donna: I think the kids giving cards to other kids is an act of service. You’re baking with your children and I don’t know from that, do you keep that at home? Do you guys enjoy that? So that’s quality time. It’s acts of service on mom’s part.
Sonia: Yeah, and on the children’s part too.
Donna: And then specially do you give something away or you’re doing it, you share that, then it just extends the ripple effect of that even further, so it’s being very sweet.
Sonia: Exactly, yeah. So, we have a couple of minutes left. I wanted to talk about – so we have redefined Valentine’s Day. This year my grandchildren want to take the desserts to the homeless. So good, so good. So that just keeps giving. There’s the quality time, there’s the act of service and then there’s additional acts of service of giving it to the homeless. So that is a way to redefine your Valentine’s Day. Now, that is fabulous. That is something that just keeps on giving in so many different ways.
And I love, Donna, how you’re talking about the love language because Valentine’s Day is about love and we discussed putting the focus on love. And then so there’s the act of service. And then we have other people that are like, “I’m going to have mind blowing sex.”
Donna: Physical touch, baby.
Sonia: Yeah, physical touch, yeah, that’s a part of the love language, so boom. Boom.
Donna: I’d like mind blowing sex, put it out there.
Sonia: And at the end of the day, we can start the day with it. We could have it in the middle of the day. We can have it in the afternoon. I love the words ‘afternoon delight’. So, it is in the middle of the day, can be at night, it can be in the morning. There is time for mind blowing sex. And I’m a 100% into mind blowing sex any time, not just Valentine’s Day. And so that brings me into the Valentine’s 365. This concept that Valentine’s doesn’t have to be one day out of the year, it can be 365 days. And we have talked a little bit about this concept of the loving year.
And I just wanted to introduce that concept again in terms of the loving year. It doesn’t have to end on Valentine’s Day. And then we go into a drought and we wait for the next Valentine’s Day. Between Valentine’s Day of 2022 and Valentine’s Day of 2023, is a whole year that has the potential to be the loving year. And so, it’s about kind of committing to focusing on the love during that year. What would you like your loving year to be about? And it can be about anything that you want it to be about. So, what would you like your loving year to be about?
If you chose to do this, you don’t have to, you can do the traditional way of celebrating Valentine’s Day. But if you’d like to make it something where it’s the bookends and it’s the loving year, we have 365 days of the concept behind Valentine’s Day which is the love. What would you do for 365 days of Valentine’s Day? Donna, what would you do for 365 days of Valentine’s Day?
Donna: And I’ve pondered that even more. So, I think really it helps keep on the front of my mind to be mindful of other people. Now, that goes along also with my goal with David this year, and creating more. And we’ve talked about that in my impossible goal of initiating 100 times.
Sonia: How’s it going?
Donna: Well, better after COVID.
Sonia: Alright, that’s true, you had COVID, I’d forgot that [inaudible].
Donna: Yeah, and then it took frankly about three weeks to get better. So now that goal is in 11 months instead of 12.
Sonia: That’s okay, I have faith, I have belief in you. And then you have the loving year, you have the impossible goal and you have the loving year in which to work on your impossible goal from a loving place for yourself and your partner.
Donna: And be mindful, I think a lot about the concept that we are aware of want match and loving yourself first rather than kind of twisting yourself into what somebody wants. Appreciating yourself and have a great vision for what that would look like as opposed to a sense of I’m incomplete.
Sonia: Yeah. Can you talk a little bit about the want match concept? Because I don’t think that’s a concept that I’ve talked too much about. So, I think that it’s a good concept to talk about. So that is based on our mentor, Brooke Castillo, and that we both trained with her. And so, tell me more about want match.
Donna: And I’m going to continue kind of to jump up here. Knowing what you want, what you like and taking the time to celebrate you as you stand alone maybe by yourself, and are like, “So what?” Then that makes you, first of all, you’re clear on what you desire. And when you’re clear on what you desire and you don’t twist that desire around to match what you think somebody else wants. But instead, you’re clear about what you want. And when somebody else is similar then they will come up and for lack of a better way to say it, you’ll fit.
It’ll make sense, there won’t be twisting, there won’t be guessing, there won’t be trying to become. It’ll be much more I think like, “Hey, this is who I am. And if this works, it works, great, I’m willing to give it a try. And I’m willing to go out on a date and we can see how we jive. And see if what I want is consistent with kind of what you want. Are you wanting to go out because you’re looking for a marriage partner or are you wanting to go out just to have a good time? And are you wanting companionship? Are you wanting intimacy?”
Being very clear on what you want and taking the time to get into a conversation with the other party that potentially you would be in a relationship with. And figure out, is it just, you know, is it Mr. Right or is it just right now? [Crosstalk] expectations.
Sonia: Also, being in a want match for a relationship you’re already in. So, there’s a want match for dating. But there’s a want match, if you have your loving year, and then you put your intention in there that you’d want to initiate more of something like that, that’s part of your want. And so, you’d want to check and see if David might have on his list to have somebody initiate sex for the next 11 months.
Donna: Wait, let me just go and check on that. Yes, “David, are you okay if I initiate sex with you 100 times in the next 11 months?” “Huh.” “Well, I’ll be back, David.”
Sonia: And he’ll be like, “Let me write this down real quick, let me put this on the want match.”
Donna: Can we just say that into the mic? Yeah, record it.
Sonia: Yeah. So, for all of you on this call, this concept of the loving year, you get to make that loving year about yourself. I would hope honestly that you would have the baseline loving year about yourself. And then you get to choose if you want to make this the loving year that includes a partner if you choose it to. But the loving year, if we have it with the bookends of Valentine’s 2022 and 2023, and then you add in your Valentine’s buffet as to what you want that to look like. So, you have your Valentine’s loving year and you do your buffet as to what you want that to look like.
Yeah, intimacy of course, I love that. But it could be having 12 hard conversations about any topic that you’d like to have. You get to choose what you want to put in your loving year. And put the focus on how does that create a loving year. So yeah, I just love the idea that it doesn’t have to have just this one day of Valentine’s Day. And it doesn’t have to look a certain way. It can look any way we want to. And I love that it can be a loving year for just your family and friends. It can be a loving year for yourself.
It could be a loving year in whatever way you want it to be a loving year, yeah. But if we’re going to look at the intimacy side of things, and if it’s the case where your mind is not in that place at this moment on Valentine’s Day and you’re thinking that it’s kind of like a duty, then you get to change that up. You get to make your Valentine’s Day whatever way you want to. Yeah, some people want to have mind blowing sex. And if you want to have mind blowing sex, go for it. I’m 100% there. What would you need to think in order to have mind blowing sex?
One person this call is like, “I’d like mind blowing sex.” Well, that’s a good thing to think if you want to create that as a result.
Donna: That’s a great thought. Yes, what do you have to think to have mind blowing sex? I want to have mind blowing sex.
Sonia: I want to have mind blowing sex. You get to define, you also get to define what mind blowing sex is to you. Some people think mind blowing sex is more tantric sex where it’s just like there’s a coming together. You could be engaged with each other, and feeling each other, and loving each other, and gazing into each other’s eyes and breathing a certain way. And then you could be doing that for an hour or two. And some people would consider that mind blowing sex. Other people, it might be five minutes of some intense pleasurable sensations in their body.
Everybody has a different concept of what mind blowing sex is and they get to have it. But for Valentine’s Day you also get to be like, I just want to cuddle. And intimacy for me is the cuddling aspect of things. So that being the case then you get to choose that as well. So, I think the main focus that I wanted to talk about in this is just redefining it in any way you want to. That there’s just not one way that we have to define this. And it doesn’t have to meet a certain expectation. And it definitely does not mean anything about you.
So, I want to take the last couple of minutes to talk about the validation of Valentine’s Day and how we really, we can get away from all that. It does not have to be about we have to have the biggest rose, or the biggest diamond, or the biggest anything. We’re talking about sex.
Sonia: [Crosstalk], always something with you.
Donna: Always something.
Sonia: Whatever it is, it doesn’t have to be the biggest anything in order to validate us. And so, we get to recognize that that does not have to be a part of Valentine’s Day, then we can just release that. Yeah, maybe this is about releasing it, releasing expectations, releasing our thoughts about how Valentine’s Day should be. And getting back to that place where Valentine’s Day is whatever we want it to be.
Donna: And I would suggest making sure you’re on the same page. And this is a moment to make sure you have a match on those expectations, that your want match about Valentine’s Day, if you want to get very nitty gritty about wants, your want match, that you guys are a want match on about Valentine’s Day, about your expectations of that. Rather than going all the way through the day and then be like, “Okay, I’ve got my mask on, my facemask, I’ve brushed my teeth, got my retainer in, got my robe on. Night, night baby. I’ve got my curlers in.” He’s like, “What, what?”
Sonia: That’s true. And don’t blame Donna and Dr. Sonia, if you guys have not had this conversation. So yes, I’m giving you permission to have whatever type of Valentine’s Day that you want but if you’re partnered with somebody else that might have the traditional American concepts and expectations of Valentine’s Day, you may want to check in with them to make sure that you’re on the same page.
And also, if you’re solo partnered check in with yourself to see what your want match is with yourself. Because very often you’ll be shocked at what’s in your mind and what your thoughts are and your expectations are around Valentine’s Day. So, as you’re creating this new want match, where you have the pajamas, and the caramel macchiato, and the nice book, and the movie, and the popcorn, and the glass of wine. Just check in that there’s not a part of you that still thinks Valentine’s Day should be something else.
And if there is that thought, it’s okay to have that thought, but you also get to recognize and to be like, I didn’t realize that was still there, okay, let’s just kind of look at that. So yeah, you do get to decide what you want to think about it and what you want to think about yourself on Valentine’s Day. Okay, we have a couple of minutes left. If anybody needs any specific coaching, let us know, anybody have any questions and answers. Well, we would have the answers hopefully and you would have the questions. Yeah, as we have a couple of minutes left here.
So just let us know if there’s anything specific that you want us to talk about in the last couple of minutes. But we’re just kind of wrapping up the different things that we mentioned about. So basically, expectations around Valentine’s Day, you get to have Valentine’s Day the way you want. I was thinking of Burger King.
Donna: Have it your way.
Sonia: Have it your way.
Donna: That’s right. Have it your way.
Sonia: 100% have it your way.
Donna: Old enough to remember the song.
Sonia: Yeah. The song was something I memorized when I was seven years old and it’s still in my mind now to this day. But ask me my children’s middle names, wait, wait, wait, what? So, remember that you get to release all the expectations and decide what it is that you would like. And you also get to decide what Valentine’s Day means for you, what you want it to be about. And does it reflect your value system? And then we also talked about how Valentine’s Day reflects upon the next generation and what we want to teach them about Valentine’s Day.
And so that this does not perpetuate where we get to the next generation that’s still thinking that they have to have gifts and the biggest flower, and the most chocolate or whatever, in order to have their validation there, or the best dinner, restaurant.
Donna: If they did it right.
Sonia: If they’re good enough or valuable enough for it, they did it right. And then we talked about Valentine’s 365, it’s not just that one day. It can be every day. And then we kind of shifted into the loving year with that concept and how it is the 365, Valentine’s gets to continue in whatever way you reflect and whatever way you want Valentine’s Day to look like. And then you also have your Valentine’s burger bar. You can put anything in there. If you want to make desserts with your children and grandchildren. If you want to give things to homeless people.
If you want to text other members of your family, if you want to give seed packets and grow something beautiful for the next generation. If you want to be in your pajamas the whole day. I’m really thinking of adding that to my burger bar, my Valentine’s burger bar the more I think about it.
Donna: I’ve started thinking seriously about taking that day off and just let it be right, what’s in it for me is just taking time away from me.
Sonia: Yeah, exactly, yeah, taking time away from you and doing this. Alright, well, so I hope we’ve given you some thoughts to think about in terms of how you want to redefine Valentine’s Day for you. The important part of this is that it’s for you and you get to give yourself permission.
Donna: Do you think it’s better to – one question here has popped up. Do you think it’s better to surprise your partner with something for Valentine’s or ask them what they want? Do you know them well enough? I mean and I realize they’re your partner but have you had conversations enough so that you know the things that they like, like they’re not allergic to chocolate?
Sonia: Well, I think that you get to do whatever you want to do first of all. Yes, I know them very well.
Donna: Okay, good, she said yeah.
Sonia: I don’t think there’s any wrong way to do it. If you want to combine both, you start a month before and ask them what they want. So, on the day you can surprise them with it. But I don’t think there’s any one way that it has to be. I think that if you know them well, do they like surprises? Is that part of their love language? Some people love surprises. I hate surprises. I honestly hate them because I want what I want. I’m a little bit of a diva.
But some other people would think that it’s the best thing in the world for somebody that loved them, and appreciated them, to go and buy something that they thought they would like. And so, I think it comes down to if you want to do that for your partner, what do you think your partner would like? Do you have a partner that likes surprises and is very flexible? Or do you have a partner that wants something exactly the way they want it? I think that maybe that’s kind of helpful in deciding if that works. But ultimately it’s coming from a loving place. Yeah, Donna.
Donna: Something that came to my mind is if you’re willing to play your hand just a little bit and leave some room for surprise then let them be involved. What comes to my mind is kind of making a menu about it. They could check, they want to dine in and you can get it and have it at home and enjoy something at home or take them out. And again, you know them but I think I personally would be challenged if I came home after a long day and had no expectation. And then I was greeted and someone was dressed up and was telling me, “Go get your tie on.”
Or I was telling my husband, “Go get your tie on, dress up, let’s go.” But there is a way to perhaps include them a bit in the process and you’re flexible to be able to do some of both, anyway, my brain.
Sonia: Yeah, I think that what you’re talking about is to allow them to have their own Valentine’s burger bar?
Donna: Basically, right.
Sonia: Yeah, give them different choices and check in and see what they would like. And have a discussion about it and get to the loving part of it all.
Donna: I like it, I’d like to know how it goes.
Sonia: Alright, we are past our time and so thank you so much for all joining us. It’s been a pleasure as always, Coach Donna, to have you on the call. And we hope that you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day and possibly Valentine’s 365. And enjoy your loving year. Okay, Dr. Sonia and Coach Donna, we are out. Thank you.
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