Ep #88: Exciting Changes in OYSN!

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast episode 88.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello my Diamonds. I am so excited. I kind of feel like every time I get on this call for this podcast I am so excited. But today I am really, really, really excited because we are talking about more services, more goodies that we’re offering in OYSN. And for those of you that may not know, OYSN is my Own Your Sexuality Now program. And we’re going to be starting at the beginning of June. We have orientation week in May and then we start at the beginning of June. But I’m always thinking about what my Diamonds need.

And what I found was when I’m coaching women in the program my Diamonds get introduced to a lot of new ideas. And these ideas are great. Last week we talked about the kittycat suit and taking off that kittycat suit and becoming your own authentic sexual being. And as they are changing, and growing, and evolving into that authentic sexual self it can impact relationships, if they’re in relationships, it can impact their partner.

And what I’ve got for feedback over these last couple of sessions, especially with my intimate group is as the women grew, and evolved, and changed, that their partners did not necessarily have a place to do the work with them. A lot of my Diamonds will have their partners listen to the group session and the information or go over the workbooks with their partners. But their partners didn’t necessarily have a place to go and process this information.

And so, because I’m always focused on improving and getting things better I heard when my Diamonds said that their partners need something as well. And so, as I heard that feedback that my Diamonds require more services for their partner we decided at OYSN to add on relationship coaching to the services that we provide. And I wanted to introduce you all to our relationship coach who will be joining the OYSN program, the intimate program and I just wanted to start talking about what exactly is relationship coaching just to kind of get an idea.

So, I am so excited to introduce, and you’ve actually already met her if you had listened to the podcast on Black women and sexuality. But I am so impressed with the work that Dr. Kimmery Newsom does that I asked her if she would come on and help within the OYSN group. And she agreed to help and so I just wanted to start with Dr. Kimmery Newsom, I want to introduce you all to my Diamonds, those Diamonds that may not have met you. And would you be able to tell us a little bit more about yourself and then we’ll get a little bit more into relationship coaching?

Kimmery: Yes. Hi, Dr. Sonia, thank you so, so much for having me, I really appreciate it. A little bit more about me. I graduated from Kansas State University with degrees in psychology, marriage and family therapy and a doctorate in human development and family studies. I’ve been a professor for 13 years and a practicing therapist for 17 years. It’s really kind of been a journey for me, quite a journey as I’ve done the academics, and the relationship, and family therapy types of things.

So, I enjoy coffee, that’s one of my favorite beverages and I also enjoy spending time with friends and getting to know people in deeper ways. So that’s just a little bit about me.

Sonia: So, with your relationship practice that you do, relationship coaching, I just wanted to talk a little bit more about that.

Kimmery: So, I got into relationship coaching when I realized that a lot of couples tend to get hung up on past issues and they get stuck there. And often it’s difficult to get them from those past issues into the present moment. And so, I started thinking about ways that I could do that and discovered that relationship coaching is just that.

A lot of the couples that I have seen in my therapy practice are pretty high functioning couples. There’s not a whole lot of pathology, there’s not a whole lot of depression, anxiety, that sort of thing which mostly is indicated for therapy in that sense. But they just have issues that are happening today and tend to focus on what the past has done to cause those issues to be what they are. And so, I decided that relationship coaching was the thing that would help me to get people past those issues.

And I would be able to have conversations with them about the specifics of what’s happening in their lives at the current moment. And how maybe the very near past, if that’s a thing, has affected the way that they are functioning now. And mostly the near past in their current relationship as opposed to things that go further back than one year’s time.

Sonia: Okay. So, what you’re saying basically is with relationship coaching, that you’re focusing on the here and the now. And these people don’t necessarily have any comorbidities in terms of mental health really. They are just having issues within the relationship that just needs to be addressed and something that can be addressed in a shorter period of time, or a more defined period of time, is that what you would say?

Kimmery: Yes, that’s absolutely correct. It doesn’t take tons and tons of sessions in order for there to be solution, and resolution, and action being taken.

Sonia: Yeah. And so that was my next question is why would you choose coaching versus therapy? And so, you’re saying that if you’re kind of focused it doesn’t take a lot – what was that, that resolution versus, that sounded pretty good too?

Kimmery: It doesn’t take a whole lot of kind of stirring in, I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it doesn’t take a whole lot of stirring up and dealing with past issues in order to have current resolution.

Sonia: Okay. So, it’s mainly focused on a relatively good relationship but now here comes Dr. Sonia stirring the pot. One partner and the other partner’s like, “Wait, what, what’s happening here?” That would be a good thing to be doing some couples coaching or something like that. Or if just something changes in the here and the now and people feel like they need to have a place that they can go and kind of talk about things, that would be kind of a take on it?

Kimmery: Yes.

Sonia: Okay. So, when you’re doing your couples coaching and you’re in the virtual room with the couples, so what are some of the things that you’re focusing on in that?

Kimmery: Well, usually the main focus especially as we talk about the OYSN program, usually the main focus there is dealing with communication. How are you talking to each other about the needs and wants that you have? And not only just needs and wants in the relationship itself but specifically the needs and wants in the bedroom and for sex, and sexual intimacy. And so, focusing on the voice, allowing everyone to have an opportunity to talk.

There are some people who have different desires, and different things, and different wants. And in order for that understanding to be had there may need to be neutral party in front of them so that they can have the conversation that they may not have been able to have if it was just the two of them. So, communication for sure.

The next thing I would focus on usually is inviting them to pretty much collaborate on their needs and have the opportunity to talk with each other about how they can be present for each other when one of their partners or the one is feeling like they’re being blamed or things like that. And so how they can really provide some positive feedback as opposed to maybe the negative things that they may have been focusing on. And then the next one would be mentality.

And I think it’s important for people to highlight what their mentality, especially around sex is because there are so many things and so many messages that we receive in society in general about sex. And so having a conversation about the mentality is something that is definitely important when it comes to couples because each person’s mentality may be totally different. And they may have never had that conversation before. And so that can provide some enlightenment and help them take some steps toward healing and resolving some of the issues they may be having.

Sonia: That’s so interesting that people could be in a relationship for a long period of time and not necessarily talk about their concepts around sex and sexuality but it’s very true. Because our society, we’re not encouraged to talk about these things. We’re not encouraged and it’s just assumed that everybody’s on the same page and that everybody’s going to do it the one way. I talk a lot about myths around sex and sexuality. And one of the biggest myths I think, that gets perpetuated within our society is there’s just one way to express your sexuality.

There’s one way to experience sexuality and that everybody should have the same ideas around it. But that is something that is informed from our past experiences and then just who we are as individuals. And so, we’re coming into our relationship, two or more people and we’re bringing ourselves into this relationship. So how we are within the relationship and how we express or don’t express our sexuality or talk about things becomes really important.

And that’s one thing that I see all the time in my group and when I’m working with Diamonds just in general is the communication, it’s so hard to have these conversations. So, I love the fact that you’re mentioning those things. And then you also brought up OYSN just in general. And so yeah, let’s talk a little bit about how we’re going to collaborate in OYSN and what we’re going to provide for my Diamonds. Because I think that this is really important.

So, I was thinking that the first thing that we would do is just – well, what I was thinking is that the structure within OYSN is to have you come in four times and to do four bonus sessions with our couples and with everybody. Because whether you’re in a relationship or not, the concept of relationships and relationship coaching I think is so important. And so, this is not just for, first of all OYSN is not just for women that are coupled, or in a partnership, or relationship, or marriage. This is for every woman that’s single, partnered, whatever. So that’s the first thing.

But also, the relationship coaching I think is something that is important for all women whether or not they’re in a partnership or not. I think that is something that you can extrapolate the information that we’re going to be talking and teaching on these bonus sessions in all aspects of your life. But specifically, when we’re talking about what we want to address in these sessions, the first thing I thought is that we’d sat and thought about this and the first thing that we would do is just do a general question and answer.

And so, tell me a little bit more about – we can talk because we’ve both talked about it, about what the first session would be about.

Kimmery: Well, yeah, I think the things that you said are really significant. And one of the things that’s really important is offering space and holding space. We talk a lot about that in our culture. And so, we will give partners space to voice their different concerns and the questions that they have about sexuality. And really what impact the program has had on their relationship and the different concepts that are talked about within your program.

And how they have improved things or have made things a little bit more complicated in how we can have a discussion about the complications. And ways in which they can provide some type of opening for them to have different sexual experiences within their relationships.

Sonia: Yeah. And this goes for everybody on the call whether you’re in my OYSN group or you just love listening to my podcast. Once you start processing and seeing sex and sexuality, and women’s sex and sexuality, and myths, and what we’re allowed to do and what we’re not allowed to do. It kind of shakes things up. It can shake things up in a relationship. And so, what I usually see in terms of this process is it’s not necessarily a smooth process. I always envision the conversation is like, “Honey, I’m going to take a sex course with Dr. Sonia.”

And then the other partner’s like, “That’s a great idea.” And they have in their mind that it’s like I’m going to get more sex. I’m going to get more sex. This is going to be fabulous. And what happens instead at the beginning is the woman is like, “I’m taking this course with Dr. Sonia and I’m going to prioritize myself. And I’m going to empower myself sexually. And I’m going to tell you, I’ve never really liked this. The way that you lick my ear, it drives me insane. And I’m not doing it no more.” So, it is kind of this, we shake it up, we stir it up.

And then we kind of figure it out. And I think that the partners do need a place to be like, “Well, what the heck is happening here? These are things that, I thought this was signing up for more sex. But instead, we’re talking, damn it.” So yeah, the first session allows the partner and the woman herself to be like, “Hey, yeah, things have changed and let’s talk about that.”

Kimmery: For sure. For sure. And I think that’s an important thing. I mean it gives people voice. When they hear that they can be free in their communication it gives them voice not only for themselves and in their own inner psyche but also a voice within their relationship too. And so that might be something that definitely shows up and would need to be discussed.

Sonia: Yeah, definitely. I love that. And then the second session that you’re going to do with us is about, what I find is a main part of this work. And you mentioned it already about the communication. I call it having the difficult conversation. And in some ways, I’m not sure if I want to use the word ‘difficult’. I use it because that’s what people recognize. They’re like, “This is going to be so difficult to talk about this sex thing.” So, I use that but it doesn’t necessarily have to be difficult. And I don’t want to color the situation in a certain way.

But it is about the communication and opening up, and having a conversation. So, tell us more about that, that second session that we’re going to do together.

Kimmery: Yeah. So, it kind of flows from providing the space for voicing concerns to discussing how to communicate more effectively and in a safe way. Because sometimes these things can kind of get a little heated and people aren’t sure how to respond. And there’s flustering that happens and it can create a rift. And so, we really want to, you know, we’re about empowerment and not empowerment just of the women who are in the group but also empowerment of the couple relationship.

And so, people need to be able to get their point across and we want to do that so that they can create a greater emotional intimacy which most of the time can also create a greater connection sexually too. And so, we want to emphasize that there is a safer way to have these hard conversations and to talk about the things that may be the most difficult to address. So that will be the next one, yeah.

Sonia: Yeah. I love that about empowering the couple, empowering the relationship. I think that that is so amazing. And that’s a lovely way to put it is really about changing the dynamics but in a good way where everybody feels empowered to talk about what it is that they need. And how things are shifting and changing. Because I always say that if you want a relationship to last you have to be able to be flexible and to shift and change. As one partner changes and grows, the other one changes and grows as well and that’s how you continue to have a good healthy relationship.

So, I love the fact that the communication and the conversation is going to be brought to the forefront in our second session. And then another area that I think would be interesting. And it goes along with, I have a part in my course that I call the sexual smorgasbord. And it’s six pages of different sexual acts or intimacy acts I should say, from holding hands all the way to orgies and everything in between.

And we set it up where the woman that’s in the course looks at the sheet and says yes, no, maybe, never, hell no. And we also encourage the partner to do that separately and to do it together and to sit down and discuss that. And what that gets at is the next thing that we are going to address which would be different wants and needs. And so, talk a little bit more about the different wants and needs.

Kimmery: Yeah. So often as we find in therapy relationships too but also there are people who have a higher libido than other people. And often that causes a rift in the sexual relationship and it causes women to seek out counsel in that. And they may be the one whose libido has decreased or they may be the one whose libido has increased. And there is a mismatch there and that can cause a lot of dissention among the couple.

And so, we want to talk about how to deal with the mismatch in their libido. And sometimes it could very well be because they have different sexual interests that the libidos mismatch. And so, I think it’s important for us to be able to have conversations about that. Is it because there is a lack of interest in what’s happening already in the relationship? Or people get kind of tired of some of the same things over and over again and they just haven’t been able to have the conversation, there we go again, the communication.

And maybe there may be some interest in having some non-monogamy in the context of their relationship. There may be some interest in using toys and that sort of thing. And so, the conversation, here we go, we’re emphasizing conversation. And to have the ability to have these conversations about what their needs are and what their wants are in the bedroom but having that outside of the bedroom is something that’s really, really significant.

Sonia: Yeah. And I love how you say having conversations outside the bedroom because so often the people think the time to start to talking about things is when you’re hot and heavy right in the middle of it. And really when you’re in the middle of sexual intimacy, that’s a very, very vulnerable place to be. And that might not be the place where you can hear, “I really don’t like that”, or, “Please stop.” Or, “I’ve been faking it for 20 years.” That may not be the best place to mention that.

So, I think that it is a skillset that needs to be developed about talking about sex outside of the bedroom and being able to engage in it. And I think that it’s important to allow for different wants and needs and ‘libido mismatch’ and different sexual interests. And to be able to help people create an environment such that they can have these open discussions and say, “Hey, I kind of like a little bit of kink. I’d like a little BDSM. I’d like a little powerplay or something like that.” And so, we are empowering once again people to be able to have those conversations.

And then the fourth session that you’re going to lead us in is something I think is really, really great especially this month of May because this month is self-pleasure or masturbation month. So, talking around this area of pleasure, and self-pleasure, and solo pleasure, and tell me a little bit more about this last session.

Kimmery: So, I think this is one of the most important ones. I know in your course you talk about kind of owning your own pleasure and being responsible for your own pleasure. And there are times when our partner, whether our libidos match or not, our partner isn’t wanting to be sexual. And so, what do you do with that energy? And so, there’s some people who feel like if they have any type of sexual pleasure without their partner that they’re doing their partner a disservice and they’re not creating the intimacy that they desire.

There are some people who won’t self-pleasure without their partner because they feel they may be cheating on their partner. And really it’s not an either or, honestly, it’s a both and. Because sometimes the self-pleasure can lead to more self-discovery. And we’re going back to that conversation again, having the conversation about what it is that you want and what you need. And learning what your body needs and wants sometimes comes from when you’re exploring it yourself. And so having that, that conversation as well.

And then talking about different ways in which the self-pleasure takes place. Some people have a good fantasy mind and so they can create fantasies within their mind that cause them to be sexually aroused and able to participate in self-pleasure. And then there are some people who need to use pornography. And what does that mean for the relationship? What does that mean and say about them and about what their partner can offer them? There are so many messages out there. And it’s just really varied.

And so having the conversation about self-pleasure is going to be really, really important. And this is especially true if we’re talking about libido mismatch and those sorts of things.

Sonia: That’s definitely true. And when I come from a place of self-pleasure I’m really talking about the fact that your first lover is yourself. The first lover you’ve ever had in your life is yourself. You learn about your body and your pleasure, and you brought this up as well, through self-pleasure, through masturbation, you learn what you like, what you don’t like, how you like it, what pressure you like, things like that. But honestly as a radiologist I see somebody’s in utero and they’re masturbating.

It’s something that we do from day one. It’s not necessarily something that’s a problem and so to have this concept that it’s an either or. You masturbate or you self-pleasure but once you get in a relationship you can’t do that any longer. It’s not. You still have your first lover with you. And that relationship is a different type of relationship than having sexual intimacy with a partner outside of yourself.

So, I love that we’re going to spend some time talking about that because I hear a lot of, “Well, if they’re doing this and they’re not with me then they’re going against our marriage”, or whatever. And we kind of just kind of get to look at that a little bit more because it’s causing a lot of contention within the relationship which may or may not need to be there. So, look at different ideas and different ways of thinking about this. So thankful that you’re with is Dr. Kimmery Newsom. Thank you so much.

And I am so excited that we’re now going to be offering relationship coaching and these bonus sessions within OYSN. And I wanted to make sure that my Diamonds know that when they join OYSN in addition to the four bonus sessions as you as a guest coach in the program, we are going to try and offer a limited number of couples the opportunity to have relationship coaching directly with you. So, thank you so much for opening up your schedule for that as well because I know that your schedule is very busy.

But I also have seen the case where couples have come to me and they’re like, “I would like to get couples coaching and I don’t know where to go.” So, it’s something else that’s really dear to my heart and something else that I want to make sure that my Diamonds have access to as well. So, thank you so much for coming on the podcast today. And thank you so much for helping out in OYSN, I really appreciate it.

Kimmery: Thank you so much for having me, I really appreciate that as well.

Sonia: Great. So, thank you so much. And if anybody’s interested in the couples coaching within OYSN, just click on the link below in the show notes and you can fill out a quick application there. Okay, Diamonds, love you so much, see you next week.

Diamonds, how is your sex life? No, really, on a scale of one to ten how is your sex life? You know I’m all about the intimacy in midlife especially for women. If you rated the intimacy in your life as less than an eight then we need to talk. I’m personally inviting you to check out my Own Your Sexuality Now program, the intimate edition. We just finished the January cohort and it was on fire. Women of all ages from 35 to 65 were learning about their bodies and expressing their sexuality and doing it on their own terms.

Couples who had not had sex in years found a new level of sexual fun and established a new intimacy. Others learned about their bodies and tapped into their pleasure zone. Another one learned to set boundaries and focus on her pleasure for the first time in the 30 year relationship. Another Diamond got the independence she needed to change up her whole life. She’s starting fresh. Amazing.

OYSN is not just about sex, it’s about empowerment, and of course, pleasure. And right now, I’m enrolling a new group. Orientation starts on May 18^th. Come join an intimate group of women for the next 12 weeks and literally change your life. Let’s create that amazing, satisfying intimacy that you so deserve. If you’re in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s or even 70s, this is the place for you. You potentially have 30 to 40, even 50 more years of intimacy ahead of you. What do you want that to look like?

Let’s get real and let’s talk about what’s going on with your body, your libido and see what we can do to kickstart this intimacy. This program is for you whether you have a partner or not. If you’re a woman or a person who identifies as a woman and who wants to enjoy all aspects of her life then this is your program. It finally gets to be your time. It’s about time. So, click on the link below in the show notes or on my website at soniawrightmd.com to join me in Own Your Sexuality Now, the intimate edition. I can’t wait to see you. Talk to you soon, Diamonds. I love you.