Ep #247: Relationship Assessment, Part 2: What Is Avoidance Costing You?

Dr. Sonia (00:41)
You are listening to the Midlife Sex Coach for Women podcast, episode 247. What? What? Let’s talk. We are talking about part two today: what happens when we know something isn’t working, but we don’t necessarily address it. Last week we did some work and now we’re gonna be doing some more work. So, welcome back to our two-part relationship and intimacy audit.

In part one, I asked you to look. That’s it. We just looked at what your relationship with yourself, your relationship with others, and your experience of intimacy overall was. Right? So maybe you discovered some things. Perhaps there are things that you’re delighted to discover, and perhaps there is something else, something uncomfortable. Maybe something you actually have known for a long time, but you didn’t necessarily admit. And that’s what we’re going to be talking about today, because sometimes awareness isn’t the problem.

Sometimes we already know. Yeah. Sometimes we already know that there’s like a stinky diaper and we try to ignore the smell. But that can only last for so long. Maybe we know we’re disconnected. Maybe we know we’re unhappy with our intimate life. Maybe we know something needs our attention. But knowing and addressing the two are two very different things, right? And I want to talk about why.

One reason that we may avoid looking directly at intimacy problems is simple. We’re kind of afraid that if we acknowledge it, then that means that we’re gonna have to do something about it.

Cause if we finally admit I’m not happy with this, then what? If I admit that I feel disconnected from my partner for years, then what? If I admit that I don’t actually like the sexual intimacy that we’re having, then what? Or one that comes up quite a bit, which is women saying, I’m not sexually attracted to my partner anymore, then what? Right? Sometimes not knowing or pretending not to know feels a lot safer.

I know because I’ve been there. I’ve been there in so many different ways, right? I was the one that was in a sexless marriage for like 10 years, right? Because the situation may not be what we want, but at least it’s familiar. At least it’s familiar, right? Human beings are interested in that. We’re interested in safety. We don’t want to shift everything. Sometimes we’re gonna feel something that feels familiar, discomfort that’s familiar.

Over an unfamiliar possibility.

We say to ourselves, at least I know how this is. And I’ve been doing it for like twelve years. So I’m excellent at this particular form of unhappiness. And it it’s not that bad. That’s what we try to tell ourselves. But like I like to think of it as a silent river that is running under a foundation, right? And we don’t talk about this river that’s running under a foundation, but it’s kind of eroding everything. And we think as long as we don’t talk about it, it’s okay.

But slowly it’s eroding the foundation. Just one stone, one rock, one pebble at a time, right?

And while that’s happening, maybe we’re like, there’s a river underneath here, and I should probably build a dam and figure this out. But building that dam seems like a lot. And changing the situation seems like a lot. And I don’t even know what would happen if I were to change the situation. And that uncertainty is pretty scary. And at least

It’s what I know and so I’ll just sit here with that river flowing under my foundation and I’m not really gonna hopefully it’ll be okay. It’s been okay this long, right? Or maybe we’re asking ourselves, what if I hurt somebody? Sometimes we stay quiet because we’re afraid of hurting someone we love.

If I say I’m unhappy with my sexual experience or relationship, my partner will hear, I’m unhappy with you. My partner will feel inadequate. There’s so much that my partner ties to this concept of sexual intimacy and they get pride from me having an orgasm. I can’t tell them that I haven’t had an orgasm in years, right? And if I say I need something different, maybe they’re gonna hear you’re not enough.

Those are really vulnerable, hard conversations. And sometimes silence can feel like kindness. And we tell ourselves, why bring this up? I don’t want to hurt them. But here’s something I want you to consider. Silence isn’t always protection. Please hear that. Silence is not always protection because your partner knows something’s happening. And sometimes that silence just allows the distance between.

Two people to continue to grow without either person naming what’s happening. So you both know something’s going on. And at the same time, nobody wants to name it. And if you’re not naming it, that that can be a problem, right? It doesn’t mean you need to run home after this podcast and have a four-hour relationship summit. Please don’t do that. And please don’t call my name into this controversy if you decide to do that, right?

We still don’t have to solve everything or anything today. I’m simply asking you to notice whether fear of somebody else’s reaction has become part of why you’re not addressing what’s happening and what you’ve discovered. That is the only question that you have to look at at this moment, right?

Or it could be there’s a truth about me that I don’t necessarily want to admit. Maybe sometimes the person that we’re afraid of confronting isn’t our partner, it’s ourselves. Because maybe we’ve changed. Maybe what you’ve wanted has changed. Maybe you’re not entirely sure what you want anymore. And midlife indefinitely can bring a lot of this to the surface.

We’re taught a certain scenario and we believe that scenario. Then we get to midlife and we start evaluating things for ourselves. And then we start going, is this actually what I want? And then we might have to admit something to ourselves, and it seems pretty scary. We spend years building an identity. This is who I am. This is what I like. This is how my relationships work. And then somewhere around midlife, a little voice says, Is it? Do I? Are you sure?

Hmm, we may not like this, but it is useful.

Because the woman you are at fifty-five does not have to exactly want what the woman wanted when they were 35 years old, right? So we acknowledge that things are changing and that I’m changing. My truth is different. And this can be both liberating and terrifying at the same time.

Okay, let’s talk about another issue that we don’t necessarily address, intimacy issues, and because it just didn’t happen suddenly. It happened slowly. And it wasn’t necessarily one dramatic day that everything changed where you can point to it and go, Ha. Maybe over time you kiss less less often. Maybe like they had a bad breath problem. And then over time, instead of kissing on the mouth, like French kissing went away, and then

Closed mouth kissing on the mouth went away and then kissing on the cheek showed up and then not even kissing showed up, right? affection became less and less frequent. Sexual intimacy became less and less frequent. And you adapted, right? You kinda adapted to that change. Human beings are very good at adapting.

And that’s wonderful when we’re adapting to something difficult that we need to get through. But adaptation can also mean we start calling something normal simply because it’s been happening for a really long time. So we would be like, I guess that’s the new normal, right? But it’s time to ask yourself, what have I normalized that actually isn’t working for me anymore?

That’s an important question. What have I normalized that is not working for me anymore? Sit with that.

Just because we’ve done it this way for a really long time and this is kinda working for me.

Versus this is not what I want and I want something better. Just think about that progression. We’ve been doing it this way for a long time. It’s not a good answer. If your heart is saying you would like something different, just because it’s your new normal or it’s been your normal for the last couple of years doesn’t mean that it has to be your normal.

And you know, I’ve coached a lot of women.

And a lot of them are like, let me just wait till the kids are out of the house. I’ll deal with this when the kids are out of the house. I’ll make a decision when the kids are out of the house. I’ll make a decision later, right? There’s a lot of waiting that is happening. I’ll wait till the kids are older. I’ll wait till work isn’t so crazy. I’ll focus on a relationship when life settles down. And all of those reasons, they sound pretty legit.

Because life is busy. Raising kids is a lot of work. Getting teenagers launched and out into the world these days, it seems like a miracle, right? So you can put all your focus on that and just say, I’m gonna just wait about this. But we need to understand that things are happening while this waiting is going on. And it’s really interesting that life has a fascinating way of replacing one busy thing with another busy thing. The kids keep growing.

Maybe your parents need you after that. Maybe work settles down, but something else is happening. Life really sends you a beautifully embossed invitation to work on this. You usually don’t get a note saying, Dear Diamond, your responsibilities have officially ended. You now have time to pay attention to yourself and what’s happening in your world. I’m telling you, don’t wait. Don’t wait for that invitation.

But really what I want to talk to you about today is what is this avoidance costing you? And this is the part of today’s episode that I really want you to think about.

When we’re deciding whether or not to address something that’s difficult, we tend to calculate the cost of addressing it, that uncomfortable conversation, the vulnerability that’s required, the possibility that something might need to change, the possibility that you might hurt somebody’s feelings. And those costs feel immediate, but what about the costs on the other side? What does it cost if I’m not doing anything at all?

What does it cost if nothing changes? This is part of this audit is the price that is going to be paid if nothing changes. Because we’re sitting there going, Whew, I didn’t say anything, so I didn’t hurt anybody’s feeling. But maybe your partner’s feelings are still being hurt and they’re confused and they don’t know what’s going on and why there’s suddenly no intimacy, right? So they’re coming out with their own explanations because nothing is being said.

And there’s a cost here that we have to look at, and that is the cost of disconnection. So if an issue you discovered was disconnection, what happens if that disconnection continues? Maybe nothing dramatic happens. And that’s actually the point. It’s not like a seismic event, right? It doesn’t seem like it’s an earthquake. Your relationship doesn’t suddenly explode, but it may become less intimate.

you talk about schedules instead of dreams. You manage life together instead of experiencing each other.

And five years really can pass very, very quickly. So instead of asking only what happens if I do address this issue, there’s another question that you need to ask.

What happens if I don’t? That is a question. What happens if I don’t?

And there’s another cost that can happen by not bringing up the issue. There’s the cost of resentment. Now, resentment is real. my goodness. It is silent and it is real and is dangerous and it can impact things. When you are repeatedly ignoring your own needs, resentment happens. Maybe you’re agreeing to intimacy you don’t necessarily want. Maybe you’re not communicating what you do want.

Maybe you’re quietly waiting for your partner to figure it all out. Eventually this unspoken frustration has to go somewhere. It becomes resentment. And maybe it shows up as withdrawal. Maybe it shows up as irritation and snapping all the time. Maybe it comes out as this tiny eye rolls. You know the one you’re just kind of like, goodness. Alrighty. And you think nobody’s noticing, but but they’re noticing.

Resentment doesn’t announce itself, but it is one of the most powerful detrimental things in the world. It impacts your mind, it impacts your soul, it impacts your relationship, and it is accumulating quietly.

So, resentment is definitely a cost that we need to consider. What else is happening if we’re not choosing to bring up whatever the issue is? There’s also the cost of losing yourself, right? And I think that this one is really important. What happens to you? If you spend years disconnected from your desire, from your libido, if you spend years not asking for what you want, what happens? If you repeatedly decide

Your pleasure doesn’t matter and it’s secondary or just doesn’t matter at all. What happens? If you stop asking yourself for what you want, what happens? Eventually the issues become bigger and bigger. And it’s just not around sexual intimacy. You lose connection with part of yourself, the part that wants, the part that receives, the part that wants to feel alive. You’re losing connection with yourself.

And this is not frivolous. This is really important. And I have seen women who have spent decades taking care of everybody else’s needs, not focusing on themselves, and they come to me very disconnected. And part of the work that I love doing is helping women to introduce themselves back to who they are, having them find their voice, having them connect with themselves again. I can’t even tell you. That is the best part of this work. And

I’m a life coach. I’m a master certified life coach. So yes, I talk about sexual intimacy, but the work that I do with diamonds is so much more than just about sex. It is about reconnecting and discovering who you are right now and who you want to be and that your relationship with yourself is the most important thing and that it matters.

And let’s talk about another cost.

And this is one resource that none of us can replace, right? And it’s time. And having spent years in sexless relationships, not just one but several, like I know the cost of time. And I know the cost of not being happy and still sitting. And I don’t know what I expected to now I look back and I’m like, how in the world did you make it that long? And how did you think that that was okay? But at the time I was just like holding my breath and I like figuring it it

I don’t know what I was figuring. I think I was just numbed out and I wasn’t there, right? But this becomes increasingly important to me as I’m approaching 60. And I don’t mean it in a sad way. I mean it in the exact opposite way. I have decades ahead of me. I know I do. But I want to experience those decades differently. I don’t want to do what I did in the past where I was just like grinning and bearing it and just kind of putting up with shit. Not anymore. Let me tell you.

I want to experience all the years, all the connection, all the pleasure. I want love and intimacy and adventure and communication and I want those things for you too.

But we start today and then another day and another day and we make sure that we are utilizing that time and really appreciating that time. You don’t want to wait. You can’t sit there saying, eventually I’ll talk about this, eventually I’ll address this, eventually I’ll make something different. I’ll I will put myself first and make myself important.

Like before you know it, five years has passed, another ten, you have not connected with yourself. You don’t know who you are. And that is essentially what a midlife crisis is. Is like going like how did I get here and who am I?

Yeah. It is time to connect with yourself. Don’t waste another minute. Like while we’re so concerned about having the conversation and we may not be having the conversation, we’re also not giving ourselves the opportunity to have an amazing life right now and then to enjoy and to relish like every minute of it, right? Okay. So

Some of you might be thinking, here’s where I’m gonna say, okay, diamonds, here are the seven things that you need to do. No, we’re not gonna do that. It’s not seven things, it’s not five things, it’s not two seconds. This was a two-part episode about awareness, about understanding what is happening. So part one was about an audit, asking yourself what is happening. And part two is like, what might the cost be to me?

to continue exactly as I am. And that is enough for right now because I don’t want you jumping over these things. I want you to sit some time and say, what is the cost if I don’t do this, right?

You don’t need to completely overhaul your intimate life because you listen to two podcast episodes. But I do want you to stop pretending

you don’t know something once you do know it.

You can decide you’re not ready to address it.

That’s different. That’s an intentional decision. I see this, I’m aware of it, I’m not ready right now. And there’s tremendous honesty in that. But the acknowledgement, the awareness, the looking at it, that is an important part of all of this.

So I’m going to leave you with three questions. Only three. What did I discover about my intimate life? What am I afraid might happen if I address it?

What might it cost me if I don’t? Okay, like I I did say it was only three questions, but I’m gonna go back to the first one. What did I discover about my intimate life? What did I discover about my life overall? What am I afraid might happen if I address it? What might the cost be if I don’t? This is an audit. You don’t need the answers immediately. You may want to sit with these questions for a while.

Because sometimes one honest question changes the way we see an entire area of our lives.

Okay, Diamonds, that is just about everything for today. But I wanted to end with something. My diamonds, recognizing that something isn’t working doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. Recognizing that your desire has changed doesn’t mean your sexual life is over. And realizing you want something different doesn’t mean you have to know what comes next. But I do believe we owe ourselves the truth because we can spend an enormous amount of energy avoiding something.

We already know. And eventually there may come a moment when you decide, I’m ready to stop avoiding this. I’m ready to understand it. I’m ready to give this part of my life some attention. And that’s where deeper work really begins. If this intimacy and relationship audit has helped you recognize that there’s a gap between intimacy and your intimate life that you currently have and the intimate one that you want.

I want you to know that this is exactly the kind of work that I help women with. This podcast can help you start asking the questions, but learning how to work through what you’ve uncovered deserves more than a podcast episode. And that is why I have created the Reignite program. Reignite is where we take all the time to do the deep work together. 90 days, 12, 13 weeks. We get together weekly.

On Sunday evening, 6 p.m. Central Time, and things are recorded. We do the work together. You don’t have to figure this out today, and you don’t have to figure this out alone. Today, all I’m doing is simply telling you to stop and pay attention because your intimate life matters and your relationship with yourself and with any potential partners, they matter as well. And your time matters. So tell yourself the truth about where you are.

And then give yourself the opportunity to decide what you want to do with that truth. I’m going to be leading a master class on creating amazing intimacy in midlife. And I will be introducing the Reg Night program at that point in time. So click on the show notes and register for the masterclass. That is on September 28th. And the Reg Night program starts on October 4th. And we are going to go through this last quarter.

We are going to address the issues together and I’m really excited to work with you. Okay, Doctor Sonia out.