Ep #234: Limited Menu Sexual Intimacy: “Just the wings please!”

Dr. Sonia (00:48)
It is so good to be back. For those of you that did not know, I was out of town for a little while and I had no reception. I thought I was gonna have reception, but I did not. So that was good. I needed reset for my relationship because we have burnt the beans too often. If you listen to my episode with Dr. Kimmery a little while ago, you learned about how she burnt the beans. But

We just needed to reconnect and to discuss the beans and any other concept of cans we had. So, alrighty. Welcome, welcome, welcome. You are listening to the Midlife Sex Coach for Women podcast, episode 234. Woohoo! Welcome back. I’m here. I’m doing my thing. I’m super excited to be here. Let’s do this. Yes. Okay, so today I want to talk to you about something that I think is kind of fun.

I talked to Dr. Kimmery and she was like, Well, you know, and I was like, No, this is a great idea. This is a fabulous idea. So I want to come here and talk to you about this issue. I’m gonna drop this concept and then I’m gonna talk to you as to why I think it’s a brilliant idea with my logical mind thinking that it’s great. And you can if you have a partner, you can sit and discuss this with the partner and see if this might be something that works for you or if I’m just full of shit. So

What I want to talk about is this concept that had this brilliant idea, like this aha moment, right? I was thinking about practicing sex in two ways, like two parts, like yes to sex, but my way, like What what exactly do you mean by the limited menu way? I’ll talk a little bit more about this, but this concept for me has changed the gameplay.

Remember you get to change it up in whatever way you want. And instead of the entire menu, like at Buffalo Wild Wings, they’ve got like something like dub dub menu or something like that, dub wings or something like that. And so like you could just choose the wings. Like you don’t have to choose the buffet. You don’t have to choose everything. You could have the limited menu version, right? So it’s Tuesday afternoon and it’s just the wings menu. What if it were just the wings menu?

And I’m like, my goodness. This is exactly what so many women need to hear. Because one of the biggest intimacy blocks that I see in midlife women is the belief that if they say yes to intimacy, that they’re saying yes to everything, like everything on the menu from top to bottom. Instead of just being like, I think I only need six wings and then I’ll be good. They’re like, I gotta take the 34 wing package and then we have to have the extra sauce and don’t forget the French fries and the salad ahead of time.

They’re thinking about the entire menu, but I’m telling you, you could just get the limited menu. Sometimes the entire menu can be exhausting. So today I want to explore what happens when we create a limited menu. It’s the limited sexual intimacy menu. Yes. So there’s kind of a problem with the full menu. Many women approach intimacy like they’re walking into a giant restaurant. There’s 87 menu items, there’s appetizers, there’s

Entras, those desserts, those side dishes, and somehow they think that saying yes to intimacy means that they are saying yes to everything on the order, right? And they have to say yes to everything. if they say yes to a kiss, then they kind of think that that means saying yes to sex. If they say yes to a cuddle, then they might think that this means saying yes to sex, right? If they get into bed, there’s an expectation.

And then suddenly intimacy feels like feels less like connection and more like an obligation. Like if they say yes, they’re saying yes to everything. And so because they’re worried that they’re saying yes to everything, they say no to everything. Like they there’s no in between. And I want to let you know that there does get to be an in-between. There gets to be the limited item menu. Because women think that if they say yes, they’re saying yes to everything.

They just start to say no, not because they don’t want connection, not because they don’t love their partner, but because they’re trying to avoid ordering the entire menu, especially at 10 o’clock at night. At 10 o’clock at night, maybe they want to cuddle, maybe they want to make up for a little while, maybe they want a little something, and then they want to go to sleep. But they’re like, wait, if I start cuddling, then the whole menu is gonna come into play and it’s gonna be midnight before I get to sleep.

And that being the case, they opt out. But I really want to stress that you get to have the limited menu. Do you think you could ask for the limited menu? And what would it be like if you just asked for the limited menu? Tonight I just like the limited menu, please. I just like the six wing menu.

Because otherwise many women are saying, I don’t have the energy. I don’t feel in the mood. I don’t want to start something that I can’t finish. I don’t want to disappoint my partner. So notice what’s happening when that is what you’re leading with with the thoughts. Nothing. Nothing is happening. Let me just tell you. Nothing. Nothing is happening. So I need people to understand they’re not rejecting intimacy. They’re rejecting a particular version of intimacy.

The version that they think is the only version that is available. The version that feels overwhelming. The version that feels like there’s a lot of expectations. The version where they feel like they will lose agency, that they just have to go down this pathway. And it’s w the intimacy that only exists as the full menu. And so the easiest answer becomes, no, thank you. I’m good.

But what if intimacy had a limited menu? And it’s a l limited menu that you actually get to create. So imagine going into your favorite restaurant, and instead of pages and pages of options, there is a simple menu. They’re serving wings today, and that’s it. Just wings. Nothing else is required from you. You don’t have to order dessert, you don’t have to order appetizers.

You don’t have to commit to a five-course meal. You don’t have to commit to being at the restaurant for two hours. You’re just gonna get some wings today. Right? You simply choose from today’s menu. This is exactly what a limited menu looks like. If you’re getting your wings, it’s also what a limited menu can look like for sexual intimacy. A limited menu says yes. Yes, I’d love some connection, but it doesn’t mean yes to everything.

Maybe it’s like, yes, I’d like to make out for 10 minutes and then I’m rolling over and going to sleep. And I have no problem if you want to continue the process and masturbate and self-pleasure. I have no problem with that, but I’m gonna be sleeping. Or maybe I’ll just cuddle with you while you finish up. But I this is the menu that we’ve got available today, you know. So examples of a limited menu that might be a yes, right? The limited menu yes might look like yes to cuddling.

Yes to kissing. Yes to making out. Yes to holding hands. Yes to a back rub. Yes to lying together and talking. Yes to a beautiful sensual touch. Yes to naked cuddling. Yes to connection. But notice what’s not here. Notice what’s missing. Pressure. Expectation. Anxiety. Obligation.

Goal is not to get somewhere and not to take two hours to get there. The goal is to enjoy what’s happening right now and to understand that that is what’s on the menu. And this menu you can make up yourself, you can make up with your partner, you can come together and figure out what each person’s individual limited menu looks like. There’s so many different ways to do this, but what you do get to understand is

By opting into this limited menu, then you have the option for different ways to show up around sexual intimacy. And let me see why this works so well for midlife women? Because many women in midlife are carrying enormous mental loads, their careers. They’re still parenting. And if you think parenting ends when your kid turns 18, like I’ve got news for you.

It doesn’t, especially nowadays when the kids are coming back or they just never leave at all, right? it looks like parents and households and responsibilities and so many midlife women are exhausted. And when intimacy becomes another giant task on the to-do list, of course they’re gonna resist it. They’re gonna avoid it. They’re gonna start scrolling all night instead

Gonna be on Amazon buying different things instead of connect connecting, instead of connecting. But this way, with the limited menu, it creates safety. And safety creates the ability to be bulk vulnerable and the ability to say yes. So your nervous system relaxes because now you’re not agreeing to some unknown contract that’s gonna take a really long time to fulfill, right?

you’re gr agreeing to one specific experience. You could say something like, yeah, I’d like to have a little fun, but I have 20 minutes and then I want to go to sleep. And these are different options that are available. Is there anything that you’re interested in? And just make it clear that there has to be a sister of system of honoring on both sides. Honoring what you all choose to decide to do, right? But the important thing is the decision, it’s the choice, right?

At the core of it is there is a choice. So many women unconsciously believe if I say yes, there’s only one choice. I lose control. We’re gonna go down this whole pathway that’s gonna end up with full penetrative sex, and I’m gonna be up for another hour. I’m not gonna get any sleep. First of all, you can have sex anytime, night or day. It doesn’t have that can be part of your contract, right? That it doesn’t have to be in the night. But often that’s when it happens.

But you’ve had a full day. You’re kind of tired by that time. And you’re like, I just want to go to sleep. If you think your only option is having sexual intimacy for the next hour, you’re gonna opt out, right? So this is again about creating that safety and creating openness and creating discussion, communication, and connection. That connection is then gonna create desire.

So the pathway isn’t necessarily desire to intimacy. Often the pathway is choice, feeling safe, requesting what you want, making a connection, and then getting to this place of desire, intimacy, and fun, right? changes everything, right? So

This is the fun part. Your menu can also change. It can change daily if you want to. If you think about it, that’s so cool. Monday, it’s spaghetti. Tuesday, it gets to be wings. And I’m not quite sure why it’s a a food menu that we’re doing, but that’s what we’re doing here. So, what does Wednesday get to be, right? And what does Friday get to be? Like you get to change your menu every day. Like that’s the fun part about this. It doesn’t have to stay the same. The limited menu.

can be on a rolling basis, right? It doesn’t have to be the same limited menu. So maybe today’s menu is kissing and cuddling. Maybe tomorrow’s menu is conversation and connection. Maybe next week’s menu is playfulness, flirtation, maybe just setting up a scene or something like that. You know, you get to create what that menu is. Another day might include sexual intimacy

Like the full on thing, right? So the beauty is that you get to decide. You’re not locked into yesterday’s menu and you get to create today’s menu, right? Every single time you get to create it. I also talk about this concept as the sexual smorgage board, where you write down a list of all the fun things that you like to do, and then you go about doing those different things and you get to choose. and

women need

I’m gonna repeat that. I think what many women need is permission. Permission to define intimacy, sexual intimacy differently. Permission to change their mind and that it’s not only one way. Permission to be curious about things. Permission to create experiences that feel nurturing rather than draining. Permission to stop performing intimacy and start experiencing intimacy. Imagine like

When you think intimacy is only going to be one way and this happens here, then six minutes in, this happens, and then eight minutes in this happens, and ten minutes in this happens, and then blah blah blah, and you’re just not that interested. But if you get to create a different menu, a different way of sexual intimacy, a different way of connection, every day gets to be like a new day and a little bit exciting in a new different way, right? So you’re allowed to adapt.

You’re allowed to choose, you’re allowed to evolve, and you’re allowed to create what works. As I said before, you and your partner get to listen to this together. And maybe it can be a thing where you start a conversation and you see what would my menu look like? What would my partner’s menu look like? What would my menu with myself look like? What would partner’s menu

So I’m gonna ask and I’m gonna repeat that. So I’m going to leave you with a question today. If intimacy didn’t have to include the entire menu, what would be on your limited menu? What feels appealing? What feels safe? What feels exciting? What feels possible?

If you could create your own Tuesday afternoon, just the wings menu for intimacy, and and have ranch dressing on the side, of course. But what would be on your menu, your limited Tuesday menu? Because sometimes the path back to intimacy isn’t saying yes to everything, sometimes it’s creating a small, intentional, meaningful yes. And that small yes can change.

Everything. Alrighty. Just remember, Diamonds, intimacy is not an obligation, it’s not a performance, and it’s certainly not about ordering the entire menu every time. The most powerful intimacy ought to begin

your menu, honor your menu. Let me say that again. Create your menu, honor your menu, and give yourself permission.

to create that limited menu. Okay, until next time, I’m Dr. Sonia Wright, the midlife sex coach for women, reminding you that pleasure, connection, and intimacy are available to you at every stage of your life. Have an amazing week, Diamonds. Love you so much. Take care.

Dr. Sonia (16:52)
Before we wrap up, I want to share something exciting with you. Big things are happening in the Diamond Intimacy Collective. And over the next month, I’ll be sharing some of those things with you and revealing some powerful changes. And I’m so incredibly excited about this. For years, I’ve helped women understand that intimacy doesn’t end in midlife, it evolves. And now it’s time to take that work to an even higher level than previously seen. So good.

This is the next chapter. It’s time to stop putting intimacy on the back burner. It’s time to stop waiting for things to magically improve. So good. It’s time to reignite the sexual intimacy in your life. So stay tuned, Diamonds. I can’t wait to share what’s coming up next. Until the next time, Dr. Sonia Wright out.