Ep #219: Taking That Leap: Why Readiness is a Myth

You are listening to the Midlife Sex Coach for Women podcast, episode 219. Hello, hello, hello, diamonds. It is so good to be here. And I’m all excited. If you happen to be watching a video of this podcast, I’m in my night clothes. And you might be asking, why in the world are you in your night clothes? Well, let me tell you, I am in my night clothes because I am celebrating.

The pajama party our first pajama party is gonna be this Saturday in the collective. It’s gonna be one of many We’re gonna have them monthly and it’s just our time to get together and girl talk So in celebration of that I decided that I was gonna do something fun Which is to buy new pajamas once a month for the pajama party at least for the first like six or seven months and I’ll reuse them and things like that But I thought it’d be super cool. So for those of you that don’t have the video I am in

this fun little pajama top that has little strawberries and it’s pink and it’s kind of girly and cute and it’s making me happy. What else is making me happy? What we’re going to be talking about today. So today I want to talk about something that actually might feel uncomfortable, but it’s absolutely necessary if you want to create intimacy, connection and the life that you truly desire. And might I add the life that you truly deserve. So we’re going to be talking about the leap.

Taking the leap before you’re ready. Yes, taking action before the entire plan is perfectly clear. Moving forward before you know every step. Choosing faith before you have proof that it will work. Because here is the truth that most people never realize. You never really feel completely ready.

And if you wait until you feel ready and confident and certain, you may never move at all. You may never take any action. An example from my own life is leaving the coaching and coming back to become the Midlife Sets Coach for Women again. So some of you know the story. I stopped my business at a point in time where many of my family members were in crisis and needed me to step up as a mother.

And at the same time, we added another child. We adopted a teenager into our family and she was also in crisis. Wow. Chaos reigns supreme to say the very least. It took some time, but the family survived and we’re now thriving. But I was emotionally and physically exhausted. The weight of that work, plus my own childhood trauma that had not been resolved, weighed heavy on me.

and it took time to heal and to deal with my own demons. And finally I came out for air and then I heard the whisper in my heart that said, go back, go back Sonia and do this work. This work is what you were meant to do. And I was like, ⁓ like hell no. I literally just got through hell and I did not think I was ready. What if everything fell apart again? What if I didn’t have the tools?

What if the world had moved on without me and my message was no longer relevant? There were so many what-ifs that were on my mind and there were no answers. Was I ready? Could I do this and juggle my family responsibilities and my radiology work? Maybe I should wait another year or two until I knew that there was no more crises that were going to be coming. But that whisper, that

whisper that was in my heart, it was still there and it would not go away. So I took a leap of faith and I went all in again.

And sometimes that’s the same thing with intimacy. Many women think that before they can change their intimacy or sexuality, they must first understand everything that there is to understand. Heal everything, fix everything, feel confident, know exactly what to do and have the perfect plan. But diamonds, it doesn’t work that way. That is not how transformation actually works. Transformation happens the opposite way.

You take one small step first, and then that step creates the next step, then the next, and then the next. So many women spend years waiting. They spend years waiting to feel confident, waiting to lose weight, waiting for the kids to grow up, waiting until life feels less busy, until they feel more comfortable with their bodies, waiting until they know exactly how to improve their intimacy.

And during all this waiting years, years could be passing, sometimes even decades. But the truth is that readiness rarely comes first. Action creates readiness. So we’re talking about a leap of faith. There’s something powerful about acting in faith. Faith is not about certainty. It’s about movement despite uncertainty.

You don’t know exactly how things will unfold. You can’t see the entire path, but you still move forward. You take one step and then another, and suddenly something incredible begins to happen. You begin to build evidence for your new identity, your new life, your new intimacy. So inside the Diamond Intimacy Collective and in my coaching,

We talk a lot about identity and we’ve been talking a lot about identity for the last couple of weeks. And that’s because lasting change does not happen from behavior alone. It happens when you become a new version of yourself. You can take action, but there’s also the identity shift that happens as well. And these go hand in hand, taking action, identity shift. But you have to step in and take the action, right?

So we don’t try to force intimacy. That’s not what I’m talking about. You become a woman who values intimacy, but you do have to take some steps, at least a little step in that direction. You don’t try to force pleasure. You become a woman who allows pleasure. You don’t try to force confidence. You become a woman who claims her sexuality that who knows they’re like, Ooh, how you doing?

feels it in her bone and other places too, right? This is who we get to become. And this is like the fun part about being in midlife is that you get to intentionally create the person that you want to be. You get to intentionally take actions that you want to take, right? But here’s the part that surprises people. You don’t become that woman.

after you feel ready. You become her by acting like her first. And this is where so many people get stuck. think, I’ll start exploring my sexuality when I feel confident. I’ll start exploring intimacy when I feel confident. But confidence comes after action. I’ll start initiating intimacy when I know how. But knowing comes after trying. ⁓

That one’s so good. Knowing comes after trying. I will start prioritizing pleasure when I’m less busy, but life will always give you reasons to be busy. In fact, you might buffer and avoid the very thing that you say you want and you’ll just sit over here being busy in a corner, but there’s no new intimacy happening. There’s no new connection happen. The next version you is not waiting for a perfect plan.

She is created through small courageous actions. I love that. And also you don’t need a 10 step plan and you don’t need a five year roadmap. At this point, you just need one step. Can it be one step? Just one. Maybe that step looks like buying a book about intimacy. Maybe it’s listening to this podcast. Maybe it’s joining a community where intimacy is openly discussed.

and where you can be more comfortable and feel more comfortable about it. Maybe it’s about having one honest conversation with your partner. Maybe it’s about exploring your body with curiosity instead of judgment. If we can choose curiosity every single time instead of whatever negative feeling is coming up for you, if you can make that shift to curiosity and neutrality, you’ll be in a better position.

These steps, they may seem small, but they’re actually identity shifting actions. They tell your brain, I am a woman who prioritizes my intimacy. So taking a leap of faith can feel terrifying. my goodness. Especially if you have lived much of your life feeling disconnected from your sexuality. Or if you’re taught that pleasure was selfish, then you’re supposed to focus on other people’s pleasure.

Or if you experience shame around intimacy, your nervous system might say, stay safe, stay small, don’t change. But your future self is calling you forward. The woman you are becoming is on the other side of these small leaps. You don’t have to do one huge leap. It could be just little small leaps. Initiate, check things out, see what you enjoy, have the conversation.

just do little actions and that will lead to an overall shift in your intimacy and that’s what I love. So sometimes one action can create something extraordinary and it can actually feel like a quantum leap. So you decided to join a coaching program, you decided to prioritize intimacy, you decide to say yes to growth and suddenly your entire life begins to shift. Everything seems to change. It’s like,

little momentum that leads to more and leads to more and it just was one step at the beginning but then it becomes a quantum leap over time. But this quantum leap did not happen because everything was planned out and it was perfect. It happened because you were willing to move before certainty existed. I love that. All you have to do is be willing and take a small action. So there’s something that I’ve

seen over and over and over again in my own life. And I know many of you have seen this and had this experience too. When you move in faith, when you take action towards the life you want, the universe begins to respond. I love this. It’s like the universe like, the universe is like, she’s serious. Okay, let’s help her. Let’s give her opportunities. These opportunities appear. The right teacher shows up. The right conversations start happening.

the right ideas emerge. But none of this happens while you’re waiting. It happens once you begin moving, once you start taking action. This is so good.

So you get to create your intimate life one step at a time. Diamonds, creating the intimacy you want does not happen all at once. It happens through small decisions made repeatedly. Choosing curiosity instead of shame, choosing connection instead of avoidance, choosing pleasure instead of self-denial. I love that, choosing pleasure. You get to choose, you get to make that a choice. Every small step you take,

is a message to your brain. I am becoming a woman who owns her sexuality, a woman who enjoys the intimacy in her life, the woman that wants to connect with her partner.

So let’s talk about today. I want to ask you a question. What is one step that you can actually take today? Not 10 steps, not the entire plan, just one. What could that one step look like? Maybe it’s listening to another episode. Maybe it’s starting a conversation. Maybe it’s scheduling time for intimacy. Maybe it’s buying yourself a toy. So good.

Maybe it’s writing a list of things that you would like to ask for in the bedroom. Remember, you get to ask for it. It’s okay to ask. And your partner would be super excited if you’re asking for things. And of course, consent is there and you sit and you talk about things. But just starting the conversation, that makes a huge difference. Joining a community of women that are doing this work together, that also gets to be a choice, a small action, right?

Let it be small, whatever that action is. Let it be imperfect, but let it be movement towards the goal you’re trying to accomplish. So diamonds, let’s just talk about some takeaways. You will never feel completely ready for transformation. Confidence and clarity come after action, not before. Identity is created through repeated courageous choices. I love that. Just one

courageous choice, then the next, then the next. It’s okay. And in between, you can down regulate your nervous system, make sure that it’s nice and calm before you take the next step. But the important thing is to take the next step, right? Small steps lead to massive shifts in your life and in your intimacy. Faith is simply the willingness to move forward without seeing the entire path. You don’t have to see the entire path.

So diamonds, the next version of you, it already exists. She’s confident, she’s connected. She allows pleasure, she prioritizes intimacy. She lives fully in her body and she embraces sexuality. And she is not created through waiting.

She is created through action. One step, one decision, one leap of faith. And before you know it, you will look back and realize that the woman you once hoped to become is the woman that you have already become. The woman that is sitting there looking back at you in the mirror. This is so fabulous. Okay. All right, diamonds. If you want support taking these steps, if you want to be surrounded by women who are also creating their next identity,

then come join us in the Diamond Intimacy Collective. This is where we talk openly about intimacy, where you can get the coaching that you need, where you can get your questions answered, where you can step into this next version of yourself. Because you don’t have to take this leap alone. I’m here. The other Diamonds are waiting for you. We’re having such a fabulous time in the Collective. So Diamonds, you don’t have to know the whole path. Just take the next step.

And of course, I will see you next time on the Midlife Sex Coach for Women podcast. And it will be episode 220. So fabulous. Love you so much. Dr. Sonia out. Bye diamonds. Till next week.