Ep #216: Creating Your Sexual Self-Identity

Welcome back to the Midlife Sex Coach for Women podcast episode 216. Yes, I am here in the middle of the night recording because I cannot fall asleep and so you get the pleasure of my company or I get the pleasure of your company but we’re going to keep each other company as we do this work together. So I have to report on Valentine’s Day because I’m pretty excited about Valentine’s Day. It happened last week

had made a promise to my partner that I was actually going to get the Valentine’s Day card on time. And so I’m super proud of myself. I was up like at six in the morning at Walgreens on the morning of Valentine’s Day picking out a card. It was me and all the dudes. More proof that sometimes my mind functions like a dude. And I’m not really into Valentine’s Day, but my partner is. So I made sure.

that my partner had cards and candy and flowers and stuffed animals and also a date and a time for us to get together and focus on what we want our goals to be around our relationship this year. So we did all that and I’m super proud because I feel like I did. I did Valentine’s Day. And as I said last week in our last podcast that it’s not just about Valentine’s Day that we get to create

like a whole year of intimacy and we get to be intentional and we get to do this work. So that was me reporting back on how Valentine’s Day went for me and how Valentine’s year is going for me. And I was thinking about, okay, I talked about the fact that there’s Valentine’s Day and then there’s being intentional and putting in the effort for full years of work. And then I thought to myself, where do we start with this?

How do we start to become the sexual being that we want to? And it made me think back to a prior relationship when I was in a sexless relationship for a number of years. I think I’ve mentioned this previously. And the relationship looked great. It looked great on the outside, but it was hollow inside. There wasn’t really much of a connection. And by the end, there was not too much talking or interaction going on overall.

and the relationship just did not make it. ⁓ But I was not gonna go into another relationship being the person that I was at that time. I knew I had to do work to find out who I was as a sexual being. And I was thinking about that process that I went through and how it started. And that is what this podcast is about today. So I wanted to know how would I show up in a new relationship?

having dealt with years of rejection and feeling unloved and feeling unwanted and not engaging in sexual intimacy. So how could I give myself permission to become a sexual being again? That was the question that I had to ask myself. And this became key in creating the intimacy that I wanted. I needed to redefine myself. I needed to create a new sexual identity. And so today’s episode,

is a very powerful one because we’re going to talk about something that changes everything when it comes to intimacy, pleasure, and connection. We are talking about your sexual self identity. Not what your identity was in 20s. not who you think you should be right now based on old beliefs around culture or religion or past relationships.

whatever those old beliefs told you, don’t have to accept those now. We can focus on who we are choosing to become right now. I’m gonna repeat that. Who we are choosing to become right now. So this episode is about concepts around identity creation. The idea that we don’t achieve goals by trying harder. We actually achieve goals by becoming a new version of ourselves.

who naturally lives the intimacy goals, like who naturally does the intimacy actions that we want to have happen. So diamonds, these concepts apply beautifully to sexuality and intimacy in midlife. first question, why does identity matter more than technique, more than anything else? So many women come to me and they’re thinking,

I just need the right technique. I need to fix my libido. I need to figure out what’s wrong with me. But here’s the truth that I want to offer to you with so much love. Nothing is wrong with you. Like if we could spend less time figuring out what’s wrong with us and instead just say, this is the situation, this is the circumstance, and what am I going to do about it,

What’s outdated is this identity that we may be operating under. Maybe it’s a concept that’s kind of a flat one dimensional lover. Based on outdated ideas and outdated belief about ourselves, we actually need a new identity which challenges the old way we see things.

And if you’re yourself as someone who’s just not sexual anymore, or someone who’s bad at intimacy, or someone whose best sexual years are behind her, or perhaps there’s that someone who has a broken body, or someone whose anxiety gets in the way of everything, let’s just wipe that slate clean and let’s create a new sexual identity so that every action that you’ll take

will unconsciously line up, be in alignment with this new identity. Okay? So if you don’t create a new sexual identity for yourself, you’re gonna find yourself and your actions are gonna remain the same. Those actions are gonna be in alignment with your old identity, not who you’re trying to be. So the old identity leads to old actions. And we know what those old actions are. You avoid intimacy, you feel

awkward around initiating. You disconnect from your pleasure. You’ll stay in your head. You won’t go down into your body. And it’s not because you’re broken. It’s actually because your identity is broken. It’s old and it’s an old identity and it’s running the show and it can’t run it any other way. But like an old rerun that we see on Saturday morning, like it’s time to create something new and something different, right?

So new identity creates new results. And we’re going to focus on identity and then results. Sometimes, yeah, we do take the action and that helps the identity as well, but it works both ways. So let’s look at this.

The main thing I want you to understand is we don’t wait for results to change our identity. We get to change our identity first and then the results will definitely follow.

Most of us are saying, I will feel sexual when my desire comes back. I will feel confident when my body changes. I’ll feel worthy when my relationships improve. But identity work is about flipping this around. Yes, we will take action, but from a place of a new sexual identity. So repeat after me. I am becoming a woman who, and you get to fill in the blank.

So I am becoming a woman who honors her pleasure. The I am statement is very, very transformative and very, very powerful. So you use I am statements and not I will with your future, but I am with your present. So I am becoming a woman who honors her pleasure. I am becoming a woman who experiences intimacy as a natural thing. I am becoming a woman who feels safe in her body.

These are all important things to know and to understand. You are practicing being your new self, your new identity before it feels natural and you decide to become her before you fully believe it. And that’s okay. You don’t have to fully believe it. Just possibly believe it. Just put on this new identity for a little bit.

And you’re probably going to take action before your identity is in complete alignment.

And just know that your brain and your nervous system may lose its shit. And that’s okay. It may get dysregulated. We will work on that and it will come back into alignment. It will calm down. It will catch up. So why is midlife the perfect time to create a new sexual identity? Hmm. That is a good question. So, so many diamonds tell me, but I don’t feel like the sexual woman I used to be. Of course you don’t. You’re not the same woman.

I’m going to be truthful. Your hormones are different. Your nervous system is different. Your life experience is different. Your wisdom is different. And you’re not meant to be that 25 year old self all the time. Like when you’re 50, you get to create a new self identity, right? So you’re meant to create a new sexual self, one that is rooted in safety, confidence.

clarity and self-trust. This vision of you doesn’t rely on spontaneity alone. She knows how to create desire intentionally. You know how to do this. If you’ve been listening to me, we’ve started the process and we’re going to continue this process together. She knows how her body responds differently and what works for it and what works against it. She knows intimacy is a skill.

that gets developed over time and not a spontaneous set of actions that we’re waiting on to happen. We get intentional with this, right? So how do you start creating your new sexual self-identity? Here’s a few gentle ways to begin stepping into that new identity. First of all, name her. Ask yourself, who is the woman I’m becoming sexually? Not necessarily who am I now, but…

Who am I working on becoming? Maybe this new sexual self version of yourself, this new identity is grounded. Maybe she’s curious. Maybe she’s playful. Maybe she’s open, open to new things. Maybe she’s slow and methodical. Maybe she’s confident or intentional. Maybe she’s compassionate with herself. 100%, I hope she’s compassionate with herself. Give her words. Give her a name.

Chloe is your inner being that let Chloe come out right? What is your the name of your sexual being of your new sexual self identity? You can give her a name that might be kind of fun Lulu like you can get creative with this you can have so much fun with this right I Remember that there was a time in my life when I wanted to become more feminine and more flirty I had a tendency to be very logical and

It’s funny, but there was a time in my life where like I never wore any makeup I had my hair pulled back or just braided and down the side I just had a t-shirt and jeans and that and a sweatshirt and that is all that I wore for years and then I decided that I wanted to change who I was I wanted to become more flirtatious more sexy more feminine and I Created a name. I gave her a name

And then I worked on becoming that version of myself. And it was fun. It was fun allowing that version of myself to come out. So your brain needs language to build identity. You get to envision her. How would she act? Who would she be? What’s important to her? What are her personality traits?

What are her standards? And we’re gonna talk more about standards in a separate episode. So definitely I’m going to be talking more about your sexual standards. And it’s not just like, don’t fuck the guy down the road. No, it’s like who you are and what defines you as a sexual being and what is it that contributes to your sexual identity as well. So in addition to naming her,

We could practice micro embodiments instead of waiting to feel confidently sexual, maybe practice acting more like that or more from that identity in tiny ways. Yes, diamonds, you knew action was gonna be on the list. You knew it was coming, so here it is. What are some of the actions that your new sexual self can do? Maybe letting herself pleasure herself without rushing. Don’t put a time.

this you get to enjoy yourself connect with your body connect with your pleasure don’t tell yourself you’re taking too long to do this this that or the next feel the pleasure relax into your body relax into your pleasure give yourself permission it’s not a timed event right touch your body with kindness and love say what you would like with your partner more clearly

Allow yourself, this is a big one, allow yourself to receive affection. And this includes, if you need to ask for non-sexual touch from your partner, that is 100 % okay. Ask for what you want and then be willing to receive it. Creating space for intimacy instead of waiting for it to just happen. Be intentional and create that space that you want. Create that time slot.

Create that environment that’s going to make it such that you can be more sexual and enjoy yourself. So identity is built through repetition, not through perfection. None of this has to be perfect, but you do have to repeat this, repeat this action and step into this new version of yourself. Okay. Another thing to do is to catch when your old identity is saying something.

when they’re voicing and it’s usually kind of a negative thing that they’re saying, but catch it and say to yourself,

this is no longer me. So your old identity will try to keep you safe by saying things like, you don’t really want to be more sexual. This isn’t who you are. You’ve never been like that before. It is too late to change. Your body doesn’t work like that anymore. But instead of fighting this voice, try gently saying, that’s who I used to be and I’m becoming someone new.

This is an identity evolution, not self-rejection. The old version of self no longer serves you. It’s okay to say that’s the old version of myself and it’s not what I need or want at this time.

Okay, the next thing that you can do is focus on your nervous system and make sure it stays regulated as you step into this new version of yourself. If your body feels tense, shut down, anxious or pressured around intimacy, then we don’t try to try harder. That’s not the work. The work is focused on your safety, on softness, a gentle approach, slowing down, giving yourself permission.

self-compassion and definitely a regulated nervous system. And I’m thinking about all these different things because I’m going to have somebody come and talk to us more about a regulated nervous system. But just understand if you’re feeling anxious, slow it all down. Nothing has to happen right away. Your identity doesn’t have to shift overnight. But you get to say to yourself, I am becoming this new version of myself sexually. And that is okay.

Just give yourself permission and be kind to yourself. Okay. Also recognize that this is not about performing. It’s about becoming. So your new sexual self identity is not about performing for a partner, meeting somebody else’s standards, proving something to yourself or to anybody else. It’s not about fixing yourself. It’s about becoming someone who feels at home in her body.

sexually. It’s about someone who experiences pleasure in their body and gets to feel safe. It’s about someone who sees intimacy as something that she’s allowed to grow into. You don’t just wake up one day and magically become her. You practice becoming her gently, imperfectly, and lovingly, and compassionately,

so let me leave you with a few diamond truths to carry you through till next week. One, you’re not broken. You’re in the process of evolving. Your sexual self is not lost. She’s being redefined.

you get to decide who you’re becoming. And identity creates intimacy, not the other way around. Okay, Diamonds, it’s been so good talking to you. So Diamonds, if this episode landed for you, I want you to know you don’t have to create your new sexual self-identity alone. This is the exact work that we’re doing in the Diamond Intimacy Collective, learning how to shift identity, regulate your nervous system, and practice becoming the woman who

experiences intimacy the way she wants to. You don’t need to wait until you feel ready. You get to practice becoming her now. So if this episode supports you, please share it with another diamond who might need this message today. And as always, be gentle and loving to yourself. All right, diamonds until next week. Dr. Sonia out. Love you so much.