Ep #69: Empowering Conversations: Impossible Goals

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast episode 69.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello Diamonds. I just have to say happy new year. I am so excited to be here in the new year talking to you and all the fun that we are going to have in the year of 2022. So today is my 69^th episode and yes, I have had clients tell me that I could just not let 69 go without making comment about 69 and what that means. So I am celebrating everything that is possible and impossible for 2022, for our sex goals. And if your sex goal includes a 69 well then they, you get to start celebrating right now with episode 69. So welcome to 2022.

This is the beginning of impossible goals for this year. And of course I have my bestie, Donna, Coach Donna. And we are going to be having another empowering conversation about impossible goals. And of course I have to mention that we are going to be starting the Own Your Sexuality Now intimate edition in the middle of January. And you can look in the show notes for the link to click and see all about it. I am looking for women that are committed to making a difference in their lives and in their sex lives in 2022. And I am looking for you.

I am looking for all my Diamonds, I want to be up close and personal with you and have a great time with the OYSN intimate edition. Okay, Coach Donna, I know you have something to say about this being episode 69. So just get it off your back or wherever you want to get it off.

Donna: Or off your chest, or off your back, or off your front. We cannot let this go without innuendos or people will be disappointed I’m sure, or maybe on your back.

Sonia: Yeah. What kind of a sex coach are you if you can’t talk about 69? I have to say it’s not my favorite position. It’s a lot of work, to stay in your body while you’re trying to coordinate things. It’s like okay, wait a second, wait a minute, I’m supposed to be doing this here and enjoying that there, wait. It’s a lot for my mind to take on.

Donna: Right. And maybe more of a linear, so six plus nine, but anyway, but I understand.

Sonia: Yes. I really love to go, so six plus nine makes me happy because then that is what, 15 and then I can add the one and the five together and that makes six. And I love math and so six is just a nice number. And then it’s a six and then if you flip it upside down you go back to 69. How cool is that?

Donna: And we’ve come right back around to where we started.

Sonia: So it’s a loop that never ends just like a 69 loop. Boom, we did it. We could end this call right now.

Donna: And you are welcome, that’s hilarious.

Sonia: But we have to talk about impossible goals because our Diamonds are waiting and also because it’s 2022, it’s the beginning. And I’m super excited for all the things that we’re going to accomplish this year. So 2022, welcome to 2022, so excited to be here. Yeah, just wanted to talk to you about impossible goals. So we both trained at The Life Coach School. In fact we were in the same session, the same class, the same.

Donna: A little cohort or group.

Sonia: The cohort, yeah, we were sitting across from each other. And I was like, “Oh, look at the space you woman from Georgia.” I was like, “Okay, I think I want to know more about her.” So yes, we coached at The Life Coach School. And every time around this year, the end of the previous year and the beginning of the new year we talk about impossible goals. And so I really love talking about impossible goals. I love how we get to say to our brains, “Yeah, that’s okay, it’s impossible so don’t worry about it.”

When our brains say, “This is not going to happen, we can’t do this.” We’re like, “Yeah, you’re right, this is going to be impossible.” So what do we want to talk about in terms of impossible goals today? So do you have an impossible goal that you’d like to work on this year?

Donna: Yeah. So I’ve given it some thought, we actually we talked about this a little bit. And it gave me the chance to really think even more about it, so kind of two things. Number one, one is maybe not so impossible just very different and thinking outside the box. And that was that there are probably some people out there, this is no big deal to them but it is pretty new and different to myself. I’m pretty conservative and my husband is pretty conservative as well and also just very logically minded.

But want to have sex out under the stars and so we’ll figure that out. We’re working on figuring that out. And the other thing is I want to be mindful and initiate sex with David 100 times this year.

Sonia: That sounds pretty good. I love how you brought in the mindfulness because in impossible goals 1.0 the one that I did last year we were talking about allowing and mindfulness when it came to goals. And so I love how you are reminding our Diamonds that we get to be mindful, we get to allow, we get to kind of open our minds and think about things. And when you think about initiating 100 times in the year, first time you go and he is a lucky man.

Donna: And go and go.

Sonia: There’s a lot of my male Diamonds right now that are like, “Okay, alright.” Okay, so you’re going to initiate 100 times this year, what is your brain, what’s the first thing your brain says?

Donna: Oh my God, I need to eat my Wheaties, and I don’t like cereal.

Sonia: Yeah. So when we’re talking about impossible goals and we set an impossible goal our brain it comes up with all these obstacles, all these reasons that it’s not going to work. And if we listen to our brains then we talk ourselves out of doing some amazing things. And so one of the things we have to – first thing we have to do is not necessarily listen to our brain in terms of making us make a decision to stop doing it. Listen to our brains to find out what the obstacles are and to find out what are the stepping stones that we’ll have to deal with in this situation.

But don’t necessarily listen to our brains in terms of to talk ourselves out of anything. I really believe that you only have one life. You’re meant to live the life to the fullest. So if in your heart you would like to learn to initiate more and we’ll talk more about initiating because I always think that that’s an amazing thing, then that’s what you’re supposed to do and let’s go ahead and do it, right?

Donna: Yeah.

Sonia: But your mind is going to tell you something. So it’s telling you to eat Wheaties, what else?

Donna: Yeah. And that like oh my gosh, I’m so tired. I’m already tired.

Sonia: You’re already tired.

Donna: So my solution I think, my solution is to gamify it and make it more of an adventure. So it is something to look forward to as opposed to just something to check off the list and to gamify that. And so that’s an obstacle and I am working on the solution and what will that be? Will that be marbles in a jar that David will have no idea what that jar is about? Eventually maybe he’ll figure it out.

Sonia: But if you’re like, “Hey honey, can we have some sex?”  And then you hear click, click, he might start to get an idea. Wait a minute, is this about me or is it about those marbles in the jar?

Donna: And you know what? Even as we’re here talking about it then my brain starts to actually plan that out more of maybe it would be marbles. Or maybe it could be poker chips, whatever. And so one shows up on the table or on the pillow.

Sonia: I don’t know. Does this count? Are you saying you’re not going to necessarily say the words, you’re going to put out the chip or the poker and then not say the words but you’re going to both know what that means and that’s how you’re initiating?

Donna: Well, I think eventually that will be something about it. And maybe the chip shows up on – he works from home like a lot of people do right now. And so he gets up and walks from one end of the house to the other and he’s at his computer and in his office. So what if I get up and put a computer chip, a poker chip or a marble, whatever the symbol ends up being, on his keyboard? And so not initially but once he realizes what this is about then put that down and so then you can kind of look forward to that during the day.

Because I also will tell you this, at the end of the day if we go out to eat especially at the end of the week, I’m done. At the end of the meal I’m like, “Take me home and put me to bed.” So we have figured out, don’t eat first.

Sonia: Don’t eat first.

Donna: That’s right, we get just to go.

Sonia: Don’t eat first. Some people have orgasms and then they’re ready to sleep. Other people eat dinner and have some carbohydrates and they’re ready to sleep. You just need to know who you are, Diamond. And you need to figure out which comes first. Is it the poker chip or the potato chip?

Donna: So prioritize and then gamify it a bit and make it fun so that in my heart I know what I’m doing. And taking some initiative. And then we have a symbol of that that pops up. And so that he may even jump in and take a poker chip or a marble out and throw it on the bed himself. And we’re like ching. But I’m like, “No, no, no, you’ve got to get your own jar.”

Sonia: How do you think you’re going to deal with the initial time, the beginning time when you’re initiating, when there might be a time of discomfort? What do you think you’re going to need to think and feel in order to? Before you start with the poker chip, it sounds like you’re going to be having discussions or say, “Hey, honey, would you like to paddle in my pink canoe?”

Donna: I’m sorry but that brings to mind the camp song, oh my gosh, anyway.

Sonia: Maybe all the camp songs are really all about sex to begin with.

Donna: I’m going to have to sing that through in my head and wonder about that.

Sonia: Well, is that kookaburra sits in the old nut tree or something like that? Who knows what kookaburra, laugh, kookaburra, we don’t really know what kookaburra is all about.

Donna: I have no idea what your song is.

Sonia: It’s about kookaburra sits in the old something tree, merry, merry. Okay, well, somebody on this podcast has got to have heard of the song that I’m not singing very well about kookaburra. Okay, put it in the show notes about kookaburra and I’ll see if it has a reference to sex that we just never knew about.

Donna: That’s hilarious. So first of all I think about that’s how I want to show up. I want to be open and giving. And I want to be connected. And I think one thing that comes to mind was one point we were just working on the house. And he was working hard on something and I looked down. I was kind of up at the ceiling working on something. And I looked down and I was just so grateful. I was just overwhelmed with gratitude, and love, and desire. And I came down off my ladder and I kissed him in the small of his back, that was that. So see you, the home repair can wait.

Sonia: So much for the home repair.

Donna: Yeah. So yeah, remembering that moment, remembering how that felt, remembering just the flow and the freedom of that, and staying connected to that. So there’s being intentional, there’s gamifying and creating an experience in my mind. I am emotionally connected. I’m visually connected. And I’m in that experience. So I am associated into it and can experience that, re-experience that again. And that’s kind of the spark I think.

Sonia: That’s a spark, that’s what’s going to get you going so that you’re initiating, is that what you’re saying?

Donna: Yeah, yeah.

Sonia: You’re going to think about how it worked in the past and how doing that home project led to some other..

Donna: DIY.

Sonia: DIY. And then also, but what if, okay, you’re turned on, you’re ready to go, you’re pumped up to initiate and you’re like, “Hey, cutie, how are you doing?” And they’re like, “No, I have a headache, I’m not feeling so hot right now.”

Donna: Understood.

Sonia: Yeah, how does that, you know, because we did talk on the last episode about having the 25 fails. And there will be some fails. I don’t know if you want to consider this a fail because you still initiated, so that’s not necessarily a fail.

Donna: Yeah, my job is to initiate.

Sonia: But what about rejection, do you feel rejection? Are you going to feel rejection or what are you going to tell yourself about that so you don’t necessarily feel like it’s rejection? Because it’s just a response, it’s a neutral response. If he happens to say, “No, I have a headache”, it’s just a neutral thing. And then we decide what we’re going to do with that information.

Donna: Yeah. I think it’s been the other direction far more often. And so I can certainly understand, if he is tired or just not ready for whatever reason, well, we have also learned that I am responsible for my own satisfaction.

Sonia: You’re responsible for your own satisfaction.

Donna: Did you just make a buzzing noise, a vibrating noise?

Sonia: Ooh. Ooh. Don’t mind me, David. So you have a headache, so I’m keeping it on low for both of us.

Donna: Yeah. So me initiating does not obligate him to follow through, neither really, neither does it obligate him to appreciate me for taking the initiative. I want to do it because I want to do it and because I feel like I want to make him a priority. And I want to make us a priority. And I want to, instead of just kind of going with leftovers, I want to be more present and available.

Sonia: Interesting. So your focus is on being present, and available, and initiating. And the process of who you’re actually going to become while you do these 100 initiations, who you’re going to be at the end of 2022. Now, if you’re doing 100 initiations, okay, so let’s try the math on this. That’s eight a month, a little bit more than eight a month.

Donna: Yeah. And I think it’s probably easier to say twice a week which will be more like 108.

Sonia: 104.

Donna: Yeah, see, there’s better math, yeah, you’re right, 104.

Sonia: Okay, so twice a week you’re initiating. That’s pretty good, that’s reasonable. That’s an interesting way. So by the time this podcast comes out you should have started, you should be at 99 initiations on the wall, 99 more. You take one down, you pass it around, 98 initiations.

Donna: Take one down, pass it around, yeah. So all of you who are traveling here’s a nice song while you’re in the car with the family.

Sonia: I am trying to be here to support you, Donna.

Donna: I like when you say that, thank you. Now I’ve got that stuck in my head.

Sonia: Yeah. Well, now we will be counting down from week one till the end of 2022, we’ll be like, “How’s initiation number eight going? How’s initiation number 14 going?” We’re going to be there with you throughout this whole process.

Donna: I have a friend who works for a radio station and they’re a non-profit so twice a year they do fundraising. And they put sticky notes all over the wall at the beginning to represent what they need. And it’s certain volumes, each sticky note is a volume of money, an amount of money that they need. And it represents 100 or 1,000. And as they go through it then they’re taking them off the wall. And they ultimately want the wall empty. So I’m thinking, I could get sticky notes and I could put them on the back of the door of my office at home and then take them off.

And anyway, so anyway just all these, again, ideas for gamifying it because it would be present in front of me wouldn’t it? I mean I go in my office multiple times every day and usually close the door because dogs are barking and whatever, so for quiet and privacy. So if I did that then that’s another way, it’s in front of me, I’m gamifying it and just I like to say, have it on my frontal lobe to make it a priority in this area of my life. And I think that would be fun, which is what is likely to motivate me to move forward because it would be fun.

Sonia: You’ve got to have the fun side of it, yeah.

Donna: Yeah.

Sonia: But definitely, I mean I do a lot of coaching around sex obviously, I’m a sex coach. But I do like to bring in the element of fun because sometimes these are hard things that we’re dealing with. And we get to decide how we want to approach it. I’m not saying to ignore your emotions and your feelings but sometimes it’s easier to handle the discomfort from a place of humor.

Donna: Yeah, totally.

Sonia: And so that’s one way to do it and definitely I can see having humor involved in this could definitely be a way to go about enjoying this process. So we talk about impossible goals and your brain is telling you that it’s impossible, it’s not something that can be done. And the first step is to agree with your brain but not to choose to not do it because it’s impossible but to in fact choose to do it or attempt to do it even though it is impossible. But also not beat yourself up if you don’t reach that goal by the end of the year.

We don’t necessarily have to beat ourselves up. We can just instead choose to come up with another goal or continue with the goal or do whatever we want to do. But as I was saying that the person that we become during this process is really a badass. And I’m always talking about becoming a badass at any age and how that’s kind of a fun thing to do, that we can become a badass at any age. So yeah, we get to be a sexual badass at any age.

And so this is the reason we would do it, not just to accomplish what we set our minds to, but the person that we become during this process. Because I would imagine the person that you become, that by the end of December has initiated sex 100 times is also a person that probably can initiate and do other things that they might have been afraid of doing. And has figured out a system, a gaming system to do in other ways. So it’s going to be interesting as we have this conversation and we do impossible goals 3.0 next year, what exactly is.

I’ll be like, “Hey, Coach Donna.” And then we have to talk about the fact that you’re going to be frolicking in the woods. Please, please, watch out for splinters. I am 100% there for you and support you in every way except if you get caught by the police.

Donna: And don’t call you for bail money.

Sonia: Don’t call me for bail money and don’t call me if you need to get splinters out your butt, that’s what David’s there for. So I am 100% there to support you unless you actually need me for something.

Donna: That’s right, I’m there for you.

Sonia: I’m like the instigator. I’m like, “Donna, what are you going to do?” And then I’m not there when you need it. But, Diamonds, for everybody listening to this podcast know that I will be there for you 100%, even if I’m not there for my BFF.

Donna: Unless you need bail money or splinter removal.

Sonia: We might need to start a fund, the frolicking fun fund. All you Diamonds that are choosing to roam around naked and have sex in the woods we perhaps would need to start a fund to get you all out.

Donna: I am more interested in a rooftop.

Sonia: In a rooftop, okay, yeah, I can see a rooftop, that’s kind of fun.

Donna: Yeah, I’m not a fan of critters, things that slip and slide. You stop it. Anyway, creepy crawlers, put it that way.

Sonia: Creepy crawlers, okay, alright. Alright, no creepy crawlers and then just woodchips at the most.

Donna: Ouch, yes.

Sonia: Okay, so okay, we’re talking about rooftop, okay. Alright, we will allow you have to your rooftop fund. So what about this 25 fails? And not specifically in relation to your goals but just in terms of talking to our Diamonds about 25 fails a quarter. So our mentor, Brooke Castillo talks about the impossible goal and being willing to have 25 fails a quarter which comes out to 100 fails in the year. And what that means, when you get more comfortable with ‘failing’ and it’s attempting to fail. It’s attempting and most of the time you’re successful anyway.

So it doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to rack up 100 fails, but it’s just more that you’re willing to try 100 things and just like Donna’s doing, twice a week. And so if we think about it, I love how you say twice a week because if we think about that, that sounds a little bit more reasonable. So for all of you Diamonds on this call, we talked about mind blowing, toe curling sex, attempting to have that in the year. So you get to work on that. You get to work on that this year.

And I’m here 100% in order to help you because I definitely believe in doing whatever I can to assist you with that toe curling sex. I think that we all should have toe curling sex, it’s fun.

Donna: Yes. Yes.

Sonia: Crazy. And so anything else that we want to talk to our Diamonds about in terms of the impossible goals?

Donna: Well, I concur, I think it’s very important to, because some of the people that we talk to are very type A, very driven. And so perhaps have a greater tendency to go into a judger mindset if a goal is not set, or sorry, reached. And understanding, like you’ve mentioned, that the whole point of this is really stretch yourself and discover who you can be when you go to stretch yourself beyond what you imagine.

And the point isn’t that you cross the finish line with a certain number of whatever it is you want to accomplish, or the certain goal, maybe it’s something to do a number of times or whatever. But focus on a goal and be the person that pursues that and is not afraid to try it, and not afraid to pursue it, not afraid to ‘fail’ or not reach what you’re trying to achieve. But in the process look who you are becoming. And that’s the key, look at who you’re becoming.

And then that same individual played out in other areas of your life, whether that’s self-care, or career, or health and wellness, or finances, faith or personal development. Then you stretch in that area and you grow in that area. And what happens is it’s not each year and each impossible goal, really has this snowball effect on who you become.

Sonia: That’s so true.

Donna: So it’s not like all year long I do this, and then the next year I’ll focus on this. It’s the person that I became this year is who I bring into the next year and the next impossible goal. And that ends up having this effect weaving through every aspect of my life.

Sonia: That’s so true and I love that. So, Diamonds, the ones listening to this podcast, think back to who you were and what you were doing when you first started listening to this podcast or you first started deciding that you wanted to do something different about the intimacy in your life. Think back to when you made a decision that you were going to do something and change it. And then see where you are right now and who you are, and what you have accomplished in this short period of time that you’ve been listening to my podcast and being involved in activities with me.

Look at what’s happened in your life and this is only the beginning, it’s just the beginning of so much. And that’s what I love because I love opening up people’s minds and realizing that hey, this is not just something you do for a month or a year, you are creating the foundation for the intimacy that you’re going to have for the rest of your life. This is the amazing thing, is the intimacy that you are going to have for the next 40 years, you’re starting, you’re doing it right now. You’re having the conversations. You’re figuring out what it is that you want in life.

You’re starting to initiate, you’re starting to talk about all the things that you want. This is your time. You’re becoming those sexual badasses. So hey, and every year, every month it builds upon each other and this is the amazing thing. Alright, Donna, is there anything else you’d like to add before we conclude?

Donna: I think that that does sum it up really nicely, really nicely, yeah, thank you.

Sonia: Yeah. So, Diamonds, what is your impossible goal for 2022? What is it that you want to work on so that when we come back and start talking about impossible goals 3.0 you can look back at this time and say, “Wow, look who I’ve become in this process.” So what is the impossible goal?

Alright, we’ll be back with some more fun, alright, can’t wait to talk to you.

Hey, Diamonds, it’s Dr. Sonia here. You know what? I love talking with you each week on my podcast but I want to get to know you better. I want to work directly with you. I actually want to coach you live and help you create that amazing sexual intimacy that you deserve. So once a year I open up enrolment for my Own Your Sexuality Now program which is my 90 day group coaching program. And enrolment opens this week and it closes as soon as I enroll the small group of committed women who want to change the intimacy in their life.

So as soon as the small group is full then enrolment is going to end. And this cohort of Own Your Sexuality Now, I also call it OYSN is a unique group because it is the intimate edition which has half the normal number of women in the group. We’re going to focus on doing the work in a small safe, supportive environment where you get to see that you’re not alone, that there are other women that are dealing with the same issues that you’re dealing with.

And it doesn’t matter your age or your background. We are all here and we are all in it together. You deserve that connection, satisfaction and pleasure of a healthy happy sex life with yourself and/or with another partner. So are you committed and are you ready to do the work? Would you like to create that blueprint, the pleasure plan for the next 40 years of amazing intimacy? If so then I’m looking for you to join this group. You’ve done all the things that you’re supposed to do. You’ve been responsible.

You’ve catered to everybody else’s needs but what about you, when do you get to focus on you? I say the time is now. And I say it doesn’t get any better than right now. Why wait another second? We are heading into the new year, what do you want your sexuality to be like in the new year? If you’re not feeling connected, if you’re not getting the satisfaction and if you’re up in your mind and not enjoying yourself then it’s time and I’m here to help. Let’s do something about it.

If you think about it, you could potentially have 30, 40, even 50 more years of intimacy ahead of you, what do you want it to look like? Let’s get real, let’s talk about what’s going on in your body, what’s happening with your libido, and we can kickstart this intimacy. Let’s talk about what it would take to tap into that amazing intimacy that you deserve. And I don’t care if you have a partner or not, you deserve amazing sexual intimacy in your life. If you’re a woman who wants to enjoy all aspects of her life, this program is for you. It finally gets to be your time.

So come join me as we discover how to get your groove back on and live your best life. I can’t wait to see you in OYSN. Yeah, OYSN, the limited edition. So click on the link in the show notes to find out more. And just so you know there are two scholarships available so I can’t wait to see you in Own Your Sexuality Now. We start OYSN, the intimate edition in the middle of January, will you be joining us? Click on the link below to find out more.

Talk to you later, Diamonds, Dr. Sonia out.