Ep #62: Empowering Conversations: Asking

The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast with Dr. Sonia Wright | Empowering Conversations: Asking

I did an episode some weeks back around the concept of empowerment and asking for what you want in the bedroom. And doing an episode on the topic is one thing, but having a conversation about it is something completely different. So this week, I’m bringing one of my BFFs, Coach Donna, onto the show for an empowering conversation about asking for what you want.

Coach Donna and I have known each other for several years and she also works with women in midlife to help them reimagine what’s possible for the second half of their lives and transform into that. She joins me this week to help you stop settling for what’s offered to you, and start asking for what you want.

This is such a needed conversation, and if you need permission to ask for what you want in the bedroom, this episode is it. As women, we are so used to not asking for what we want and just taking what’s given to us, so join us for this empowering conversation about owning your sexuality and getting what you want in the bedroom.

How is your sex life? If you rated it on a scale from 1 to 10, is it less than an 8? If so, we need to talk. I’m inviting you to check out my new 30-day program Your Empowered Sexuality (YES!). We’ll give you the sexual tune-up you need to kickstart your intimacy and create the sex life that you deserve, whether you have a partner or not. Click here for more information!

 

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:
  • The problem with putting everybody else’s needs above your own.
  • Why it is always okay to ask for what you want in the bedroom.
  • Some powerful questions to ask yourself about what you want.
  • Why vulnerability is the key to connection.
  • How to get more pleasure in your sex life.
  • What feelings are helpful in experiencing an orgasm in sex.
  • The importance of communication in your relationship.
  • Why you get to decide every time what you want in the bedroom.
Listen to the Full Episode:

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Full Episode Transcript:

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast episode 62.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Sonia: Hello, hello, hello everybody, how are you doing? We are focusing on empowerment, women’s empowerment for their sexuality and owning their sexuality. And I asked one of my good friends, one of my BFFs to come on so that we could just have a conversation. We just love to talk about things. And if you’re in my You’re Empowered Sexuality group then you already know Coach Donna. And if not, you’re going to know Coach Donna now. I’m going to ask her to introduce herself and then we are going to have a conversation about asking for what you want in the bedroom.

So, Coach Donna, please introduce yourself to my Diamonds.

Donna: Oh, right. Well, hello, Diamonds and thank you, Dr. Sonia. What a pleasure to be here. So yeah, Dr. Sonia and I have known each other for several years now. We went through life coach training together. And just hit it off and have had the best time since then. I have been graduated with Dr. Sonia from The Life Coach School, I’m calling it graduated, I’ll go with that. It’s like a freaking degree.

Sonia: We’re having a reunion coming up in April and we’re all so excited about that too. So some people call it certification, some people call it graduation, some people call it just a new way of seeing the world and living. So yes, all of those things.

Donna: All the above. Yeah, I love working with women in midlife to help them reimagine what is possible for the second half of their life and then transform into that.

Sonia: And I think that you’re just amazing. And I love that you work with women in midlife because I work with women in midlife too. And so that makes it even better, it didn’t matter if you worked with old pickles, I would still love you.

Donna: Well, that’s a segue into our conversation.

Sonia: I know. It’s what came up in my mind. But maybe it’s because I’m in my studio surrounded by every vibrator and dildo known to womandom. And so maybe this little purple one kind of looks like a pickle to me.

Donna: And for those listening, this is every conversation we ever have.

Sonia: It’s the conversation we ever have.

Donna: It’s just how it goes.

Sonia: Well, we have conversations, I am the one that feels like I am the conservative one compared to you. You’re the Christian one. You’re the one that has a religious background. But somehow your puns and inuendoes make me blush. I’m always like, “Ooh, oh, my.”

Donna: I was once told that it’s a sign, being witty like that is a sign of intelligence and I’m running with it.

Sonia: Yes. So we’re going to focus ourselves. And we’re going to talk about asking for what you want in the bedroom, specifically women asking for what you want in the bedroom. And I just did a podcast on this a couple of episodes back. But there’s doing a podcast and then there’s talking to Donna about things. We need to get through this podcast without laughing too hard. But I just really, I love having a conversation. And I want all my Diamonds to hear us talk about things and see this in a different way.

There’s one way when I introduce a concept with a podcast, just an episode, me, myself and I. But then there’s also when you have a conversation with another woman that’s a similar age and having had some experiences as well. Where we just kind of sit and shoot the breeze and talk about these things. So, Donna, asking for what you want in the bedroom. Well, let me talk about my evolution in the world.

I was raised to be a sweet girl. And honestly, let’s be truthful here, I was never a sweet girl. I always looked like I was a good girl but I’ve always been a bad girl from day one. I was just born under a naughty moon or something. I’ve always had a little smile on my face and up to no good. So there it is, the truth is out, if you ever wondered, the truth is out. But I was raised to be a good girl. I was raised to not do what the bad girls should do. And I don’t know if anybody specifically told me to wait for marriage, but maybe wait till I was a little older, whatever.

But definitely I was not taught about asking for what I wanted in the bedroom. And this is an evolution that we go through in our lives and we get to a certain place in our lives where we’re like, “I think I want something more. I think I want better. And it’s okay, it’s time and it’s okay to ask for what you want in the bedroom.” So, Donna, what do you think about asking for what you want in the bedroom?

Donna: I think, I love that we’re having the conversation. I also think that it’s such a needed conversation. I think there’s room for, maybe people need more permission to even ask. And I think it also is a peek into, yes, social norms and expectations. I mean we’re just, frankly, I grew up watching Ricky, Lucy, and that age and father knows best, and my three sons, and which he didn’t have a wife, but anyway, where the married couple had twin beds.

Sonia: They had twin beds, yeah.

Donna: And somehow a baby pops out, they had babies. But somehow there was quite a reach.

Sonia: Nobody knew how it happened. Oh, Donna.

Donna: See, anyway, but praise the lord, anyway.

Sonia: Yeah, you’re right. Okay, so I’m going to take us back to something interesting that you said. You said, ask permission. We need to give ourselves this permission. And I think for anybody on this call, if you have not already given yourself permission then Dr. Sonia and Coach Donna are officially giving you permission right now to ask for every single dirty, naughty, fun, exciting, interesting thing you have ever wanted to do in the bedroom. It is now on. We have pulled the light bulb on permission and that means that it’s totally on. You can ask for anything that you want.

And just like the genie, you get to rub the genie’s lamp, you get to rub whatever you want to. And you get to ask for what you want.

Donna: And you get to ask to rub whatever you want to, that’s or have it be rubbed, yes.

Sonia: Or have it be rubbed, exactly, yeah. So I love what you’re saying about permission because I think it is something that’s very important when we’re asking. What is it that’s something that you feel comfortable asking for now that you would? And it doesn’t have to be around sex. I’m just using this as an example. I don’t want to put you on the spot as to what you’re asking for in your bedroom, but just in terms of something that you didn’t feel comfortable asking for when you were in your 20s. But now that you’re in your 50s you feel more comfortable asking for.

And it doesn’t have to be sexual in nature. I’m just thinking about when you were back in your 20s, women are trained to be such people pleasers, aren’t we? I mean we are trained, especially in our 20s, we’re trained to follow the crowd and do what society says a good woman is supposed to do, so yeah.

Donna: I think that brings up a good point. And I look at patterns, when I coach and when I talk to people and look at my own life, I look at patterns. And so is the idea of asking for what you want in the bedroom, that’s great because you bring it up because you are the midlife sex coach for women. But does that reflect a broader pattern of not asking for what you want in other areas of your life and just taking what’s available, taking what’s offered you? And you do that in other places, you put other people first.

And so it’s just the natural part of how you’re living life to let that roll on over, so to speak, into the bedroom. But does it reveal a pattern of not asking for what you want? And I’ve had clients who they kind of realize they were two different people to a degree in their professional life or their business. They made decisions. They stood up. They processed through hard things. They said what they wanted. They fired people or fired clients and made decisions on the direction of their business.

But then when they become the wife, when they come home then they seem to take on a different role, a different persona. And they noticed that distinction and that was something they wanted to resolve but there was a lot of conflict around home. The type of mother to be. The type of wife to be. Being there for everybody else, meaning there for you last, there for yourself last.

Sonia: Yeah, I think what we’re seeing is that we have less defined roles or more narrowly defined roles in terms of being a mother and being a wife and things like that than we do in some other areas of our life. So maybe because we still have this narrow definition of what a good mother is and what a good wife is, we don’t necessarily feel we had the opportunity to change those roles up, until you decide that you are going to change the roles up. And once you do then you realize, wow, wait a minute, this is just my mind and thoughts in my mind that are constraining my life.

And if I’m willing to let it go, and obviously if you’re in a partnership you can also check in with the partner as well, or at least give them a heads up, hey, things will be changing around here, because the roles that I have – I’m trying to think of what the word is. I can’t think of what the word is right now. But basically the roles that I have signed up for, are not necessarily the roles that I want to continue. Yeah, so if we look at it that way, it makes sense that we might feel like we are one person outside of the home and another person in the home.

But we get to be whoever it is that we want to be. And honestly, it may be the case that – and I see this a lot with people that are interested in BDSM, they might be very much powerhouses outside of the bedroom, but in the bedroom they might want to be more submissive just because they want to be taken care of or not having to make decisions and such like that.

So this is not about  you have to reflect the same role in all scenarios. It’s more about you get to have the choice as to who you want to show up in, in whatever role it is, but showing up in a way that aligns with you as opposed to showing up in a way that may align with what society says it should be like.

Donna: And every time, if I could answer that, every time, so that if you’re ready to do something different, if you’re ready to change, you’re not stuck with, well, it’s always been like this. And so you get to decide every time. You talk about consent, the zone of sexual safety, all of these things, and choice, all of those things every time. And what you want to experience or what you want to offer, you get to decide that. I’m happy to share something, it is a little bit personal.

Sonia: Do you have the consent of your partner to share this or he wouldn’t care?

Donna: He won’t care. It is, the thing I want to bring up is four, now, there are different things that played into my decision. But I think my decision was borne out of growing up in a single family. And then having other family members with children out of wedlock. So we have another generation of that. And growing up in poverty, and one of the things that perpetuated that was really instability, trauma as a child. And then also religious influence. But what most people, I mean my family, my world knows but most people listening, they wouldn’t know that.

I didn’t get married till I was 40, so I didn’t have sex till I was 40. And one of the things I am grateful for and it really was just a continuation of all the other parts of our relationship is the sensitivity of my husband, who it was his second marriage. And he grew up with different values. And his consideration, and I will say also one of the things about making that decision at 40 as opposed to 20 is I’m much more ready to just go at it.

Maybe when I was 20, it would be everything was no, no, no, and is suddenly yes, yes, yes and how do you deal with that? But I psychologically was ready for that. But we talked and we tried different things, and just the consideration, coming into it. And he was sensitive, and kind, and everything. And we’ve always just had a great connection. And so what fuels that connection?

Sonia: So what you’re talking about is your zone of sexual safety, you created that zone of sexual safety with your partner to allow both of you to have that communication and discuss it. And to be at a point where you can be like, okay, yes, I’m very interested in sex. I haven’t had it before and now I’m married, now let’s go for it. But all those things you created ahead of time so that you were very cognizant of what you needed in order to be able to engage in sexual intimacy for you.

And so this is, I think something that’s really important. When I sit here and say, “Go ahead and ask for what you want.” You don’t have to just blurt it out to your partner. Make sure that you feel in a safe environment so that you can get vulnerable, so you can talk about what it is that you’re interested in trying. And being aware of what you need in order to have that zone of sexual safety for yourself and also for your partner so that you feel comfortable enough to discuss whatever it is that you’re interested in, engaging in it and trying more of.

So when you’re asking for what you want, the important thing about asking for what you want is that you’re not settling for what is available. Like I talked about there’s the fixed price menu, and if you don’t ever stray off of the fixed price menu you don’t know that there’s a filet mignon just on the other side of the menu. Because you’re like at 5:00pm to 7:00pm you can get this fixed price menu at three courses for $20. And you’re going to stick with that because you know what that’s like. But if you turn the page there’s a whole other experience that you could be having if you’re willing to ask.

And the turning the page is kind of the equivalent of asking for what it is that you want. So be willing to ask for what you want. But make sure that it’s in a safe environment. And yeah, we are so used to as women not necessarily asking for what we want and just kind of taking, kind of settling for what’s given to us. Our partner may have a certain skillset and that’s their skillset, and that’s the skillset that you deal with. And if it’s not exactly what you want then either you just suck it up and be okay with it or you get disinterested in sex.

I know you’re going to smile at that, Donna. It’s like talking to a 14 year old when I’m talking to you about sex, but it makes it so much fun at the same time. And for all my Diamonds that are listening, I am trying not to look at Donna because we’re recording this on a video so that we can talk to each other. But I’m not looking at her because she just smirks, and laughs, and giggles and we just have too much fun.

But anyway, yes, getting back to the fact that you have permission from us and from yourselves to ask for anything that you want, be it if you want more clitoral stimulation. We know that 85% of women will not have an orgasm or pleasure if they don’t have clitoral stimulation. So we’re all for that. If you’re interested in anal play, now, people talk a lot about anal sex. But you don’t have to have anal sex, you could just have anal play. And there’s a lot of really fun nerve endings around the anus that people don’t necessarily explore because they’re like, “I don’t know how to ask for that.”

Well, blame it on Dr. Sonia, say, “I was listening to this permission thing and she was saying there’s a lot of really pleasurable nerve endings around the anus. And maybe I’d like to explore that a little bit.” You get to explore whatever it is that you’d like to explore. If you want to engage in some sort of fantasy, go for it, just make sure there’s consent with everybody involved, and they’re all adults, and nobody’s going to hurt each other.

Donna: Just good to consider your current results. Just ponder, you’ve touched on this a little bit, ponder where you’re at. And then what the desired result is. What do you want to be? Or what do you want the experience to be like? And I’ve had a woman tell me, married close to four decades now. And has not once had an orgasm in their life, in their married life together. And part of me goes, “Why are you not talking about that? Where’s the communication? Do you feel comfortable asking for what you want?”

And sometimes you just have to take things into your own hands, so to speak, literally and figuratively. And so taking that situation, an individual could talk about that and talk about what’s not working or what they wish they were experiencing. Well, okay, how do we move through that? How do we create the result we want? If it was another area in life, what would you do to get what you decided is going to happen?

Sonia: Well, yeah, I mean we can use the thought cascade and we can go kind of reverse if we wanted to look at this. So if we had this concept that this result that we want to have, maybe for this woman the result that she wants to have is to have an orgasm. So then we would be like, “Okay, what kind of actions do you need to take in order to have an orgasm?” One, she’ll probably need to know her body better, so self-pleasure is going to become important.

Two, having conversations and giving herself permission and giving her partner permission to have these conversations and to explore her body is also going to be important. Three, having a conversation about focusing on her pleasure to see, can we get to this place of having an orgasm. Four, I would also at the same time give herself permission to not be so focused on the orgasm if that’s possible. You want the result but at the same time we don’t necessarily want to get into this place of performance anxiety.

And so then if you’re going to take these type of actions and then there is OMGyes which is a great site to learn more about your body, and orgasms, and masturbation, stuff like that. And we can put that in the show notes. That would be also a place to go and to look, or there’s lots of fun books out there as well. And then if you’re going to take different actions the question becomes, what do you need to feel in order to take these actions?

So for a woman that’s never had an orgasm and maybe not explored her body previously, what would she have to feel in order to be willing to do that? So she’d have to maybe come from a place of curiosity. What else do you think she might need to feel, Donna, in order to possibly engage in these different activities that are going to get her closer to an orgasm?

Donna: Yeah. I think she would need to feel open and curious. And something that comes to mind though may sound strange is allowing, just allow. And it’s still that cousin of open, being open to things, but allowing things to unfold and that it’s okay. I honestly think knowing this individual that part of what is keeping her quiet is how do you broach the subject to your husband that, of almost 40 years, you’ve never had an orgasm? She [crosstalk] preoccupied with him, his feelings.

Sonia: Yeah. And see, this is the problem. She’s preoccupied with him. She’s probably in her 50s or 60s at this point in time. And she has another 20 to 30 more years of sexual intimacy. Now, if she would take that into consideration she might be a little less concerned about him and a little bit more concerned about herself and both of them in terms of what do you want your sexual intimacy to be like for the next 20 or 30 years? Do you want to continue this pattern? That would be definitely something to think about.

But at the same time, it’s not helping your partner if you’re sitting there not enjoying yourself. The odds are, if you’re not getting much out of this, you’re not going to want to engage in sex. And maybe it will put a ding in their ego or something like that, but they get to decide, is that the important thing or is the important thing coming together and focusing on the satisfaction so that both of them can have this amazing sex life from this point out. But she also doesn’t need to specifically say, “Dude, I haven’t really enjoyed sex for 40 years, you suck at this.” That’s probably not the best way to come at it.

Donna: I think [inaudible], yeah, maybe he wishes he would.

Sonia: No, seriously. Seriously. I saw this funny TikTok and it was a woman talking about the clitoris. And then men interrupting and they were using different words for clitoris. Nobody knew really what the clitoris was and so they are calling it cumulus clouds. They’re like, “No, that was big puffy clouds, no.” And then another would be like, “No, it’s this thing.” It was about 10 or 11 guys talking about the clitoris but they didn’t know what the clitoris was. And so they are just exchanging different names for it.

So maybe if we had a discussion about where the clitoris is and how it needed some stimulation then we could probably get back. But she probably doesn’t even know this. This is why I’m like, you need to learn about your own body. But you don’t have to say, “It’s sucked for the last 40 years.” I usually suggest if they’d like to, I mean they can say whatever they want to, this is a free country.

But you may want to say, “My body is changing and I am more interested in figuring out the stimulation that I need for the pleasure that I need at this point in my life. And stimulation changes, sensations change. I was listening to this podcast by Dr. Sonia and it just got me thinking that, yeah, I’d like to go on a journey of self-discovery and pleasure. And I’d like to do it with you. Hey, do you want to get onboard?” Get onboard.

Donna: And there is the thought. I’m on this journey to self-discovery and pleasure. And so we talked about what feelings might she need to feel. Curious, open, allowing and boom right there is a perfect thought that can just lead her forward which is I want to get on a journey of self-discovery and pleasure.

Sonia: And also you can add in a second thought which would be, and I give myself permission to explore this. So give yourself permission, go on this journey, enjoy yourself. All my Diamonds out there, enjoy yourselves and have fun with this. And start having discussions with your partners, please. So much of us are hell bent on protecting our partner. But really you need to ask yourself, what exactly are you protecting your partner from? Because what you think you’re protecting your partner from, you’re also exposing your partner to.

You don’t want them to feel bad about things so you’re not going to say that sex is not very enjoyable. But they know it’s not enjoyable. They know you’re phoning it in. They know that you’re sitting there like, ha, ha, oh, I’ve got to get that trash out. They know that you’re thinking about your to do list and you’re not really focused on them. And you’re like, “Are you done yet? Have you finished? How’s it going down there?” They know you’re phoning it in, that you’re not that into it. And so when you think you’re protecting them, you’re not really protecting them.

And even if you are protecting their emotions, why? The question would be why, why do you feel that you had to protect another person’s emotions? They’re grown. And while you’re protecting them there’s no pleasure happening here. There is no pleasure happening here for you and ultimately that leads to you not being that interested in sex, it’s definitely going to affect your partner too. So yeah, we get to sit there and be like, “I don’t want to hurt their feelings.” But their feelings are being hurt already probably because they know you’re not that interested in sex.

Donna: It’s just projecting really. Really you don’t want to be vulnerable, and feel that uncomfortable sensation and experience all that yourself. I mean let’s be honest, I think.

Sonia: Yeah. Who wants to? Yeah, you don’t want your partner to be uncomfortable but really you also don’t want yourself to be uncomfortable and to have to witness this and have to feel these emotions and go through this work. But I can guarantee you, on the other side, it’ll be better, even if there’s conflict at some point in time. The truth is always better to get out there because then there’s hope for fixing the situation basically.

Donna: Yeah. And I’m very curious, again, just going back to women, do you even know that you can ask?

Sonia: I don’t think women know they can ask. They’re so used to just taking what’s given to them. Some women ask, definitely there’s women out there that do ask. And for all the people out there that have young women and young girls in their lives, we have to teach our girls that it’s okay for them to ask.

I have a nine year old daughter and I certainly want her to have pleasure. I want her to ask for all the things that she wants in life. And I want her to go after all of that, not just in the bedroom but just when her time, when she grows up. But just in her life in general, life is just reflected in the bedroom as what’s happening outside of the bedroom too. And if we don’t feel that we have permission to ask, if we don’t give ourselves permission.

This, the other thing is we sit and we wait for permission. Let me tell you, nobody’s giving you a damn thing. If you want it you have to go and get it. And it’s okay to have to go out and get it. Go and get yours. For all the Diamonds on this call, go and get yours, ask for what it is that you want because life is meant to be lived and it’s meant to be enjoyed. And it’s amazing. And all you have to do is ask. And it’s not a one and done.

I don’t know how many people will tell me, “Well, I asked for that once five years ago and then he didn’t do it or she didn’t do it.” And so I didn’t ask for it again. Fucking, hey, ask for it again. It’s not that big of a deal. Maybe they didn’t understand or maybe they felt a little self-conscious. It’s okay, you can ask for what you want more than once. You can have a conversation that lasts more than one time.

Honestly, it will have more than one session involved in terms of talking this through. And get comfortable asking for what you want in life, it’s not a problem to ask for what you want. Everything that you want in the world is on the other side of asking.

Donna: And it’s you taking responsibility for your pleasure, for your own pleasure. And not just leaving it up to chance for somebody else to think about.

Sonia: Unless chance is called Chance.

Donna: Unless their name is Chance, yeah.

Sonia: Unless their name is Chance and even then it’s not about leaving it up to your partner. It’s about leaving it up to you, for you to take responsibility for your own pleasure. I definitely advocate for that.

Donna: I like to just ask some strong questions around that concept of asking. What would happen if you did ask?

Sonia: Yeah, what’s the worst thing that could happen? And what’s the best thing that could happen? So often we sit there and we focus on the worst, that I could ask and they might say no. Okay, then you’re in the same as that position where you’re in. But then they make it mean something. I asked, they said no, that means that they don’t find me attractive or they rejected me or whatever. It doesn’t mean any of those things. It means whatever you decide it means.

So if you ask and they don’t necessarily, you know, you can’t control another person. So even if you ask for something it’s not a guarantee that you’re going to get it. But you’re certainly in a better position to get it if you actually ask for it than if you don’t.

Donna: So I like to ask, I like to offer these four questions to kind of get the ball rolling in someone’s mind about this and moving forward. And that is what would happen if you did ask? What would happen if you did not ask? What won’t happen if you ask? And what won’t happen if you don’t ask?

Sonia: Well, yeah, this is clearly at the point where Donna’s intelligence level gets beyond mine.

Donna: This is really going to blow that open to really go deeper, get up underneath the things to get to the meaning, to get to that deeper stuff. That’s really the stuff that’s clogging everything up. And so let’s just break that loose a little bit. And this makes the mind kind of…

Sonia: Okay, repeat it again. What would happen if you ask? What would happen if you don’t ask? What won’t happen if you ask? And what won’t happen if you don’t ask? It’s the what won’t happen if you don’t ask, that’s got so many layers there that are like, what won’t happen if you don’t ask? Give me an example of that one. What won’t happen if you don’t ask?

Donna: So now we’re talking about, you were talking about pleasure right in the bedroom and asking for pleasure in the bedroom. So what won’t happen if you don’t ask? From a different direction, to bring things to the surface.

Sonia: Well, if I ask, what won’t happen? If I ask for somebody to go down on me, let’s just get an example here. So what won’t happen if I ask for somebody to go down on me is that I won’t be sitting there going, “This sucks and I’m not getting much pleasure out of this.” Because I’ll be getting more pleasure.

Donna: And you won’t have the regret of not asking.

Sonia: I won’t have the regret and the frustration of not getting the pleasure that I want.

Donna: And quietly resenting somebody else for not reading your mind and [inaudible].

Sonia: Yeah. Why can’t they read my mind? It seems pretty clear to me, why are they not getting it when I just say maybe like a little, “Oh.” If they touch the right spot I go, “Oh”, ever so nicely, [crosstalk].

Donna: [Crosstalk].

Sonia: But if I was like, “Right there. Right, that thing there, that’s the spot, go for it, go in there, right, right there.” The odds are better that I’m going to get the pleasure that I want. So I won’t be resenting that person. And that resentment is real. I’m glad that you brought that up because women are like, “No, I’m not upset in the bedroom if I don’t get what I want. It’s not the end of the world.” It comes out in different ways. That resentment is there, it’s not going away, it shows up in different ways.

You might not even know what’s causing you to get angry with your partner. You might not understand why you’re in a mood that day. But if you break it down, if you’re not getting the pleasure that you want, at some point you kind of feel like somebody’s taking advantage of you. It’s all your thoughts. So you’re thinking that somebody might be taking advantage of you. But if you get to that place of where you’re feeling resentful that somebody’s getting pleasure and you’re not getting pleasure.

And we’re honestly talking about the pleasure gap specifically when we’re talking about heterosexual sexual encounters, there is a pleasure gap. And this pleasure gap is where 90 to 95% of men are enjoying themselves and only 60 to 65% of women are enjoying themselves in the same situation. There is a gap in the amount of pleasure that’s going on. And I would say that gap then reflects the level of discontinuity and disconnection in the relationship, and resentment that can manifest itself as a result of this pleasure gap.

Donna: Yeah. So one suggestion for what won’t happen if you don’t ask. Vulnerability is an example. So if you don’t ask, well, then okay. But if you do ask you might feel vulnerable. So what’s not going to happen by not asking? Not putting yourself out there.

Sonia: Yeah. But then people might be like, “Well, that sounds pretty good not putting myself out there.” But it sounds like that’s a good option but it’s not necessarily the best option. Connection comes to vulnerability. Make sure you have your zone of sexual safety set up or your zone of safety, just emotional safety set up. If you’re going to need to be vulnerable, make sure that you at least can take care of yourself in that situation and have your boundaries. Make sure that people are respecting those boundaries.

And you can have a conversation ahead of time with your partner as to what you would need in order to be able to feel safe with the boundary, all those different things are stuff that you can set up ahead of time. But being vulnerable in itself is not a bad thing. It sounds like it’s a bad thing and who wants to get vulnerable? I think I’ll skip that, me, me, me. But vulnerability is the key to connection really, yeah.

Donna: And by the way, we’re at least two people naked and so that itself is a vulnerable state of being.

Sonia: That’s true, that’s very true.

Donna: So emotionally vulnerable, whatever vulnerabilities someone’s trying to avoid, but that itself can be the gateway to joy and pleasure.

Sonia: Yeah, definitely. So good. Alright, well, I’ve been enjoying this conversation and hopefully my Diamonds have been enjoying this conversation as well. And we’re going to continue to do some more conversations. I think our next conversation is going to be about initiating because I think that that’s such a fun one to do. So we will be coming back with a conversation about initiating in the future.

Okay, Diamonds, it is so wonderful to talk to you and have a great week. Dr. Sonia and Coach Donna are out.

Diamonds, how is your sex life? No, really, how is your sex life? On a scale of one to ten how would you rate it? You know I’m all about the intimacy for women in midlife. If you rated the passion in your life as less than an eight then we need to talk, sister. I’m personally inviting you to check out my new program, Your Empowered Sexuality 30 day kick starter. I am so excited about this program. Most of you know that I have an impossible goal to positively impact the sex lives of over a million women. And I am just getting started.

Come work with me for 30 days to kick start that intimacy in your life. Let’s create that amazing, satisfying, intimacy that you deserve. Let’s face it, if you’re in your 40s, 50s or 60s, you could have 30 to 50 more years of intimacy ahead of you. What do you want that intimacy to look like? Let’s get real and talk about what’s going on with your body, your libido, let’s see what we can do to kickstart this intimacy. This program is for you whether or not you have a partner.

If you are a woman who wants to enjoy all aspects of her life then this is the program for you. It finally gets to be your time. So, click on the link in the show notes or on my website at soniawrightmd.com and come join me for Your Empowered Sexuality aka YES, Your Empowered Sexuality 30 day kick starter. I cannot wait to see you Diamond, talk to you soon. Take care.

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About

Sonia Wright MD

Hi, I’m Dr. Sonia Wright and I’m YOUR SEX COACH! I’m on a mission to end the pain and isolation associated with sexual difficulties and to help women create satisfying sex lives.

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