Ep #108: When You Just Don’t Want to F*ck

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women^TM Podcast, episode 108.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women^TM Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello Diamonds, how are you doing today? Of course, it’s you, and me, and 5:00am, nobody else is around. It’s my favorite time to record my podcasts. And I want to tell you that today’s podcast is brought to you from the tribe. You might be asking yourself, what exactly is the tribe? A better question to ask is who exactly is the tribe? My tribe is a group of me and four other women physician coaches who are BFFs for life. We met in person about two and a half years ago right before COVID hit at a physician coaching event.

And the fun thing is I don’t think we’ve ever been all together in the same room since that time. But as I was saying, we met right before COVOD and it was like we instantaneously fell in like with each other. There is just something about these women that I just cliqued with and we have been together ever since that time. As soon as we sheltered in place we started messaging and texting each other. And we still message and text every single day and multiple times in the day and my heart is just with these women. They are fabulous. They are always there to support me just in my life in general and then also with my business adventures.

And so, I just wanted to say that this podcast is dedicated to the tribe. And the reason it’s dedicated to the tribe is because I was like, “Hey, tribe, I have to write a podcast, I have to do a podcast, what should I do the subject on?” And one of the tribe members was like, “Please, just do it on when you don’t want to have sex.” And then everybody else was like, “Yes, yes, yes, please, please do it on this topic.”

So, for all of you Diamonds out there, I want you to know that you are not alone if you’re not in the mood for sex. Do not worry about it. And I want to also tell my tribe that today’s podcast is dedicated to you. I love you ladies and I’ll always be there, a part of your tribe. And of course, my podcast is always, always, always dedicated to my Diamonds because you’re my reason for doing this. So, Diamonds, what if you don’t want to have sex, what if you don’t want to fuck?

And the fun thing is I’m writing down some notes and autocorrect keeps changing ‘fuck’ to all these different words. It’s got tuck, it’s got suck, it’s got duck. Duck is always my favorite. So, I’m contemplating if I should just throughout the course of this discussion just put in the words that they actually, autocorrected actually put in because for some reason they think that they know better than what I want to say. What I want to say is what if you don’t want to fuck? Boom.

Yeah, so what if you don’t want to fuck, what do you do then Dr. Sonia? Okay, I am going to be that sex coach that advices you, if you don’t want to have sex then don’t have sex, plain and simple. In fact, I coached one woman, she had just come off of a sexual intimacy program in which you have sex for 40 days straight whether or not you want to, 40 days straight, you just every single day have sex 40 days straight. And my first thought was, well, that’s the fastest way to kill a relationship.

And I was like, “40 days straight, what is that?” It’s like Noah’s Ark, you have to be on the ark and fuck for 40 days straight?” Why would somebody think that this was a good idea? So, by the end of the 40 days, yes, they have had 40 days of sex but they are farther apart than they had been before they started that journey. And honestly when she came to me she never wanted to have sex again because of going through that experience. So instead of the experience bringing you closer together, they were now hundreds of miles apart.

They had had this traumatic experience of forcing themselves to have sex every day for 40 days in addition to whatever was stopping them from having sex to begin with. And by the end of the 40 days, even the partner that had the higher libido was not really interested in sex. So, they just kind of compounded the situation. So sexual intimacy is greatly impacted by the context of the relationship and life stressors just in general. And this program, this 40 day, have sex every day no matter what, it had total disregard for anything that was going on in the context of the relationship.

And because of this context sometimes you do need to take a break and that is not a problem at all. So let me repeat myself, if you don’t want to have sex then don’t have sex, not tonight. And in fact, actually there has been several instances where I’ve actually advocated for people not to engage in sex, just take sex off the table altogether. If it’s causing more harm and more stress in the relationship then it’s time to stop the sex. And this goes without saying, if sex is painful then just stop it.

We need to come to the bottom of why sex is painful, we need to sort that out. And of course, in this instance when I’m talking about stopping sex then I’m defining sex the way most people in our society are defining sex, which is penetrative sex. And for the majority of people in the society that means penis and vagina sex, but it can also means strap on sex. It’s basically anything that is penetrated into the vagina, is basically what our society labels as sex but I don’t necessarily label it as that. So, I just kind of wanted to discuss that with you for a second.

So, if the anxiety is so high that it’s causing emotional harm then just stop the sex. I’m not saying stop it forever, and I’m not saying stop the intimacy. What I am saying is stop the penetration component of it. And with that I’m also going to advise two things, investigate the why. What’s going on? What’s happening behind the scenes? What is leading to you not wanting to engage in sex? And then while you’re on this journey and discovering and figuring out what is leading to it, make sure that you preserve the intimacy.

Let’s look at what might be leading to you not wanting to have sex. This is where we’re going to put on our detective hats and start figuring it all out. Is it something like it’s too late in the evening and you’re tired, and this is just not the best time for you to engage in sex? Some people think that sex has to be at night. It doesn’t. You can actually have sex any time of the day. If you’re a morning person, have sex in the morning. Morning sex is fabulous. If you’re a middle of the day person, if you’re a nap person, have your nap and have sex.

You get to decide when you want to engage in sexual intimacy. There’s not one way that this has to be done. Is it that you don’t want to be touched and if so, why? Why is it you don’t want to be touched? Maybe there isn’t a lot of foreplay. Maybe sex is not much fun for you. Maybe there’s not much pleasure so you’re avoiding sexual intimacy altogether because it’s just not good for you. That is a valid reason. We need to do something about that.

Maybe there’s a lot of anxiety that comes up for you around sexual intimacy like performance anxiety, or feeling like you’re taking too long, or you’re not good enough at this and their previous partner was much better. What are you feeling? Is there shame? Is there guilt? Those two emotions are really the fastest way to kill sexual intimacy. So, look at it, what are you feeling, what’s going on there? Are you thinking that sex is a duty? Is it kind of equivalent to taking out the trash?

Let’s get real and look at what are our thoughts around sex? What’s our attitude around sex? What are our feelings around sex? We need to investigate this. As I said before, sexual intimacy is all about the context of you relationship. What actually is happening in the relationship at this moment? Is there resentment and anger and you’re trying to have sex when you’re not interested? Is there a lack of communication? Is there a disregard for your wants and needs?

And this disregard, maybe your partner has a disregard but often it’s you have a disregard for your wants and needs. And this is where you get into that sex being a duty and just doing it when you don’t want to. Take a break from penetration, but during that break figure out what exactly is going on. So, take a break from the penetration but don’t take a break from the intimacy of the relationship. In fact, use this time to bolster that intimacy between you and your partner or partners. Or maybe take that time to bolster the intimacy with yourself and be kind to yourself.

I always say that the triad of sexual intimacy, I call it Dr. Sonia’s triad of sexual intimacy, is based on satisfaction, connection and pleasure. Nowhere on this list is penetration. That is totally optional, but the satisfaction, the connection, the pleasure, those are not optional. So, what if you focused on incorporating these three factors into anything that you do with yourself or with someone else? So, if it’s ‘not tonight honey’, then what is it, what exactly do you need for self-care? And also, what exactly do you need to preserve the intimacy in your relationship?

What exactly do you need right now? Do you need sleep? Do you need connection? Do you need touch? Do you need alone time? Do you need downtime? Figure out what it is that you need but make sure you include that triad. So, if tonight is a not for tonight kind of night, no fucking, no tucking, no sucking, then you get to choose other options.

If you want to connect with your partner but not engage in penetration then here are some suggestions that you might consider. But make sure to set up guidelines ahead of time. And just have a discussion that, “Hey, I am interested in sexual intimacy. I am interested in touch. I am interested in connection. Maybe I’m interested in pleasure and satisfaction but I’m not specifically interested in penetration right now.” This is a valid discussion and you can have these feelings that you’re not in the mood.

If your partner has a penis or a strap on then let them know it’s not tonight. And also let them know that there is going to be no guilt, and no shame, and no discussion of blue balls going on, and no trying to guilt you into engaging in penetration. If you want connection, what form would that connection take? What form would it take if you want connection with yourself? What form would it take if you want connection with your partner? Maybe it’s a cuddle.

Maybe it’s a make out session like, “Hey, I’ve got 20 minutes, we can have fun. I’m not having penetration but I’d really like to have a make out session with you and just enjoy myself without the stress.” Is it a Netflix and chill without the chill? Maybe you sit next to each other on the couch and watch your favorite movie together, or a game and just relax and enjoy life, touch, hold hands, giggle, eat popcorn, really connect. Is it a bath? Take a bath by yourself. Take a bath with your partner. That can be a lot of fun as well.

Now, I don’t love this but some people do, try dry brushing, it stimulates your skin, your pores. Some people say it makes them feel alive and it relaxes them. Other people say, “I really love it when my partner gives me a massage.” So maybe massage is something to think about. Maybe you want a meeting of the minds. Maybe you want intellectual penetration and not physical penetration. Maybe you want to delve into each other’s minds and have a discussion and get back to getting to know your partner.

Maybe it’s date night, you just want to dress up and go somewhere, and relax, look into each other’s eyes, have a nice glass of wine, laugh and joke and then come home and sleep. Maybe it’s a mutual masturbation session. Maybe it’s a solo masturbation session. Maybe you need to just take a nap together or separate. Maybe it’s kind of a day trip where you just get in the car and drive, and just look at the beautiful scenery. We’re kind of getting to autumn. But at some point we are going to see the leaves change and maybe it’s just a nice day trip together.

Okay, Diamonds, you gave yourself the no fuck pass, so you get to decide what you want to do with that free time. I suggest building a stronger bond with yourself and with your partner, taking some time to look and see what’s going on. So, remember to investigate what kind of thoughts and feelings are coming up for you and why you may not specifically want to engage in sexual intimacy or penetration.

Make sure to have any of those conversations that you need to have with your partner, and make sure it comes from a place of love, it’s not accusing, it’s not like you want to fuck me all the time and penetrate me and blah, blah, blah. Have it come from a place where I’m not really in the mood, but these are the different options that are available. I really want to be close to you. I really want to connect with you, but right now I’m not in a place for penetration.

Remember, don’t ever force yourself to do something you don’t want to do, instead get curious as to why you don’t want to engage in penetration. And then of course redefine sex. Sex is not just about penetration. Sex is about sexual intimacy and there’s a 1,000 different ways. In my Own Your Sexuality Now course we have module called The Sexual Smorgasbord which is six pages of sexual intimacy acts that you can engage in. There’s so many ways that you can define sexual intimacy, it is not specifically about penetration.

Okay, Diamonds, have a great week. This is Dr. Sonia and she is out. She’s going to get started on that list of fun things and you get to as well, alright, Dr. Sonia out, have a great week.

Hey Diamonds, do you want to reignite the passion that’s gone missing from your life? Do you want to want to want it again? You know I’m on a mission to end the emotional pain and isolation that women experience associated with sexual difficulties. And many of you also know that I was once in that place where I was experiencing little to no sexual intimacy in my life. And I kept thinking that there was something that was wrong with me, that I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t attractive enough, I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t smart enough to fix this problem.

And I was worried all the time that my relationship was too far gone because of this lack of intimacy. Well, you know what? I was right about one thing, the relationship didn’t last. But even though the relationship didn’t last I committed to doing the work that I needed to do to own my sexuality. And now I have this amazing sex life and it’s everything that I wanted it to be. And I’m also committed to helping my Diamonds by teaching them the same strategies that I figured out in order to revitalize the intimacy in their life.

So, if you want to stop feeling broken, if you want to stop feeling shame and guilt about sexuality, if you want to feel more comfortable with your sexuality and tap into that pleasure then I’m here for you, Diamonds. First of all, know that there’s nothing that’s gone wrong with you. You’re not broken. And you know what? You can solve your intimacy issues. You can let go of that shame and guilt, and you can tap into that passionate person that’s just waiting to come out. Let’s get on a strategy call together and let’s discuss how we can work together and how I can help you.

And know that a strategy call, it’s 100% a safe place, there is no judgment. We’ll talk about your intimacy situation, which is what’s going on right now. We’re also going to talk about your intimacy goals, what you would like your intimacy to look like in the future. And then we’ll talk about how we could possibly work together to come up with a personalized strategy plan for you so you can get the results that you need. So, Diamonds, I’m here for you, don’t wait another minute. Book that consultation call with me today and I can’t wait to talk to you.

You can get that consultation call by going to soniawrightmd.as.me. And the link is also in the show notes. Okay, have a great day. I can’t wait to talk to you. Take care.