Ep #129: It’s a Decision

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast episode 129.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello, hello, hello, hello, Diamonds. You know the drill. It’s early in the morning, it’s you and me downstairs in my basement studio just talking to you about things. And I just had my OYSN class last night. And I was coaching someone around the issue of self-love and body love and when does it happen? When do you get to that point where you’re finally loving your own body? And they were asking me about my own journey about loving my 4’11 brown round body and what I went through.

And I realized in the middle of all this that I could coach and coach and coach but there’s one key point that’s missing and I think this is something very often that we don’t talk to our clients about. So today I wanted to talk to you about this. Alright, so let’s dive right into it.

So we spend a lot of time as coaches telling you about your thoughts and your emotions and your actions. I call it TEA time, it’s based on cognitive behavioral therapy but basically it’s this concept, if you have a certain thought it’s going to lead to a certain emotion and then that is going to lead to certain actions and ultimately you’re going to get results from that point in time.

I think that anybody familiar with coaching, especially if they’re at all associated with The Life Coach School, is very familiar with these concepts, that there’s thoughts, there’s emotions, there’s actions that leads to results. If you want a different result you think a different thought. But so often we can end up coaching our client on the same thing again and again and again or it comes up in our own life, the same thing again and again and again.

When will we love our body? When? When our sex lives improves. When will there be more intimacy? When will our relationship be the way we want it to be? When, when, when, when, when. And then we think, we’ll just use our TEA time, we’ll just think about this. And you can think about it. You can think new thoughts all you like but the key component that I don’t think is emphasized as much and should be emphasized is it comes down to a decision.

You make a decision that you’re no longer going to tolerate something. It does not matter how well you are coached if you don’t change your mind in terms of your decision, to raise your standard, to decide you’re no longer going to allow something. If it’s around body shame issues you have to raise your standard and make a decision, you are no longer going to allow yourself to criticize, abuse, emotionally abuse yourself. You raise your standard. You say, “This is no longer an option for me.” You do all the coaching that you need to do.

You can think all the thoughts but at some point there is a process that goes alongside the thoughts, the emotions and the actions that are changing. There is a decision that is made. It has to be a very clear decision that I’m no longer tolerating this. I’m no longer tolerating lack of intimacy in my relationship. I am no longer tolerating body shaming. I am no longer tolerating people pleasing where I spend all my time making sure everybody else is prioritized and trying to make everybody happy.

And so when we’re doing this coaching with you please be aware we may not be telling you this and we may be doing you a disservice because we’re not telling you this. But a key important point of all of this is you have to make a decision that your standard is going to raise. So how do you make this decision? Then people start asking me, “Will it be a yearlong decision? Will it be a two year long decision? Will it be something that takes me five years?”

What about three months of coaching? Maybe by the end of that I’ll make a decision. I feel anybody I should coach I should also give them a module on it’s time to make a decision. It’s time to make a decision and stick with it. And I think that this is something we don’t recognize the value of being able to make a decision.

When you’re making this decision you’re usually going against some principle concepts that you had in your life either growing up or at some point where everybody else is going to be put first. Or a decision you made previously where, well, I’m not going to complain about this and it’s just going to be the way the relationship is. So something happened along the way where you made a different decision and it was so subtle and gradual that you kind of just slipped into this place over a period of time but a decision was made by not taking any actions, that is a decision that’s made.

By deciding that you’re going to tolerate something, that is a decision that’s made. Make no mistake, it’s not like you just found yourself in this situation. A decision was made at some point that you’re going to allow or tolerate, put up with whatever it is in your life that you did not like. So in order to change that aspect of it, in order to change your thoughts, in order to change your emotions, in order to change the actions and change the result there’s a line in the sans. It’s a line in the sand.

And it depends on the person. Some people are just like, had it, they’re like, “I’m changing my life.” They step over that line in the sand. And while they’re stepping over that line in the sand they are making a decision that their life is going to change from this moment on. So, Diamonds, yes, you know I love the thoughts but let’s spend a little time doing this. I know you know the answer to this question right away but what is it in your life that you’re not happy with?

What is it in your sex life that you’re not happy with? What is it in your relationships that you’re not happy with? Take your time, write it down, spend as much time as you like dumping all your thoughts out. But I bet it’s something that comes to you really rapidly. And I bet you’ll know if this is the correct answer because you’ll feel it in the pit of your stomach or your back, wherever it is that you feel it when you acknowledge something. You’re like, “Oh my goodness, yes that’s it exactly. I’m no longer going to tolerate body shaming in my life a minute longer.”

And then you can ask yourself the why. Why am I no longer going to? You’ll probably find out because the quality of your life has markedly decreased over a period of time with the previous decision that you made that you’re going to tolerate the verbal abuse that you give yourself. And sometimes you don’t consciously make this decision, maybe you grew up in a family where there was a lot of body shaming and so that’s all you knew. And so when you left your family of origin you continued that.

You continued that body shaming because you’re like, “If I eat this I’m going to get fat. “My whole family, if you’re fat or maybe you’re the one that everybody teased. Maybe you’re the one that was very self-conscious about your body. So sometimes it’s a decision that we’ve made and sometimes it’s a decision that was handed down to us, thoughts and feelings around that. But now it’s time to make another decision.

Okay, so we’ve identified what needs to change in our life. And you can spend all sorts of time like where did these thoughts come from? I love thoughts but at some point it goes beyond thoughts and then we can take action. I don’t think we put as much emphasis on the taking action side. I have coached people in the past and I have coached them well and they’re like, “Yes, this is amazing.” And I will give homework with my coaching. And I tell people, “You don’t necessarily have to do it, it’s up to you.”

But if you’re inclined to do this work a lot is going to come out for you in terms of the thoughts behind it, the emotions behind it. And you’ll know if you’ve actually decided to change your life. You know if you’ve made that decision. And I have some Diamonds, most of my Diamonds, they get on board with the homework. And they come back to me and they’re like, “Yes, I’ve done this, this, this and this.” And they are like, “Let’s do this.”

And they’ve taken the action component of things and they’ve changed their life, and they have made their decision. But then it’s interesting. There’s always maybe one client a year that I coach and they say to me, “Oh, yeah, this is going to be easy. I’m going to do this right away.” And I’ll challenge them. I’ll say, “Okay, alright.” And they come back next week and they’re like, “No, I did not do it. I could not do it. I didn’t take any action.” And then we coach on it. We look at what is blocking them. And I believe that’s important to look at the obstacles and that will really tell you what your thoughts are.

But at some point we have to be willing to take the action and to make a different choice and to make a decision. So for those people that have spent years in this area, at some point it is time to make a decision whether you’re not in the mood to do it. If we waited to the point that we’re in the mood to do something we honestly wouldn’t do much because that’s talking about waiting until we get into our comfort zone. And then when we get in this comfort zone, then we’re going to take action.

We’re going to spend all this time focusing on our feelings and get to a place of excitement and happiness and joy and contentment. And then we’re going to take action. But what I’m talking about is that anything that’s worth doing you’re going to be doing it from a place of discomfort and not necessarily from a place of comfort. And you’re going to be doing it in a place where you make a conscious decision that you’re going to raise your standard and you’re no longer going to tolerate it.

All of this, raising your standard, making that decision, crossing that line in the sand, all of those things are done from a place of discomfort, make no mistake about it. So when we’re doing these cognitive behavioral therapy sessions basically, where we’re spending some time looking at our thoughts, coming up with new emotions and then taking actions from there. Recognize, when that process is happening that it’s not happening in a vacuum.

A larger bubble is around it and the larger bubble is that bubble in which you have made a decision, you’re no longer tolerating whatever’s going on in your life. And you’re going to step over that line in the sand and you’re going to sit in that place of discomfort while you figure it out. So for my Diamond and for everybody else, all my Diamonds that ask, “How do you do this? How do you decide?”

And I’m reminded of my coach, Amanda Karlstad, and she says this to me all the time, especially when we first started working together. She’s my business coach. And she looks at me. I love her because she is such a beautiful, refined, gentle soul but she is also a kickass coach who will have no problem kicking your ass. While she looks perfect in her pearls and her diamonds and her beautiful blonde hair and her leather jackets, she will just smile at you sweetly and say, “It’s a decision, Sonia. It is a decision.”

And I’m bringing that to you and also it is a decision and I would be like, “Amanda, how do I do this, how do I decide that I’m going to bring my business to the next level?” And she’s like, “What do I always tell you, Sonia? It’s a decision.” And so I come to you my Diamonds having been coached on this and I am telling you the same thing, it is a decision. It’s a decision here. You have to be willing to step over that line in the sand, step into discomfort and step into raised standards. Step into all of it.

So it’s not that you’re doing coaching in a vacuum, you’re doing coaching in a place where you’re willing to take the next step. If you’re not willing to take the action side of things, the action in terms of the standard and raising it and the decision that’s one part of the action. And then the other part of the action is actually taking the action from a place of discomfort. And I think that this is something important that we don’t say enough. Anything worth doing is on the other side of fear and discomfort.

And in order to step on to the other side of fear and discomfort it will take you making a decision. So for people that don’t necessarily love their body, it’s about making a decision that from this moment on I’m no longer going to tolerate self-abuse and criticism. From this moment on I am going to be in every picture. In this moment on I’m going to find the part of my body or parts of my body I don’t love and I am going to shower them with love. I am going to spend the time getting to know myself and my body and living in that place of discomfort.

From now on I’m going to touch areas of my body that I did not think were touchable or lovable. And if I have a partner I’m going to encourage and invite my partner to touch these areas. And I’m not necessarily talking about your genitalia as much as I am talking about your stomach, your ‘love handle’, your flat butt. We were talking about all the different areas of the body that we don’t necessarily love. We get to make a decision that we do love that side or we get to make a decision that we are willing to love that side.

We get to make a decision that we’re no longer verbally abusing ourselves. We get to make a decision, we’re raising our standard and that is how anything changes in this work. You can do coaching as long as you like but if you don’t make a decision that something is going to change you’re going to be living in the discomfort. If you don’t make that decision that you’re going to take action, if you don’t make that decision that you want something different, you deserve something different and you’re going after something different it doesn’t matter how much coaching you get.

And I do have a lot of people that I’ve heard this before that if you get coached on a topic you’re not about to get coached again on the same thoughts and actions and emotions if nothing’s changed. If you have not taken any action, if you haven’t decided on something and you just come right back to your coach, ask yourself why. Why would you do that? I’m not saying that everything has to change overnight but at some point something has to change otherwise you’re just kind of wallowing in the mud and in your own sorrow or whatever, feeling sorry for yourself.

And I’m going to kick in the ass every once in a while and say, “Your life is on the other side of that decision. It’s waiting for you, the life that you want.” Make no mistake, if you don’t make the decision there’s a life waiting for you, it’s a life of default. It’s a life of low standards. It’s a life of tolerating what you don’t want. So all that comes back to, it’s a decision, it’s time for a decision. It’s a time to raise your standards and decide that you’re no longer tolerating something and you deserve better.

So for all my Diamonds listening to this podcast, what is it you’re no longer going to tolerate in your life? What is it that you want? What is it that’s on the other side of the line that you’re willing to fight for? What is it about you that makes it worthy enough? Let me tell you, you are worthy enough. You’re worthy enough right now and that might be your biggest decision, I am worthy enough. I’m no longer going to tolerate this concept that I’m not worthy enough and that I have to people please everybody.

Or I am not worthy enough so I can’t ask for what I want. Or I’m not worthy enough therefore blah, blah, blah. Maybe your decision is, I am 100% worthy right now and I get to ask for what I want. And we talked about the Bill of Rights in a relationship and a Bill of Rights in sexuality. We talked about the Bill of Rights. And so maybe this is your own Bill of Rights to yourself, I have the right to make the decisions that will lead to the life that I want in this world. I have the right to make decisions which will lead to the sexual intimacy I want with myself and with my partner or partners if I have one.

I have the right to make the decisions that unlock the door to the life that I want to lead. So, Diamonds, I’m going to challenge you to first identify what you no longer want in your life, make the decision to raise your standards, make the decision to stick with it, make the decision to get the coaching but recognize that you have to be willing to tolerate and be there with the discomfort while it becomes comfortable. Initially asking for what you want in the bedroom is going to be uncomfortable. there’s no way around it.

Anything that’s worth doing it’s going to involve discomfort, raise your standards, make the decision that you’re no longer tolerating just lying there and putting up with something you don’t like. Make the decision that you’re going to ask for what you want in the bedroom. Make the decision that you’re worthy of it. Make the decision and add it to your self Bill of Rights and decide what it is that you’re going to tolerate and not tolerate and change and uplevel your standards.

Alright, Diamonds, that’s all I have for you today. I wasn’t sure if this was going to be one minute or 20 but it seems it’s more like on the 20 side. But this is something that’s really key and I don’t feel it’s talked about enough. I’m going to end with what my coach Amanda says, it’s a decision. It’s a decision, Diamonds, and it’s your decision. Nobody else can make this decision. Okay, Diamonds, I love you so much. Take care.

Hey Diamonds, do you want to reignite the passion that’s gone missing from your life? Do you want to want to want it again? You know I’m on a mission to end the emotional pain and isolation that women experience associated with sexual difficulties. And many of you also know that I was once in that place where I was experiencing little to no sexual intimacy in my life. And I kept thinking that there was something that was wrong with me, that I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t attractive enough, I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t smart enough to fix this problem.

And I was worried all the time that my relationship was too far gone because of this lack of intimacy. Well, you know what? I was right about one thing, the relationship didn’t last. But even though the relationship didn’t last, I committed to doing the work that I needed to do to own my sexuality. And now I have this amazing sex life and it’s everything that I wanted it to be. And I’m also committed to helping my Diamonds by teaching them the same strategies that I figured out in order to revitalize the intimacy in their life.

So, if you want to stop feeling broken, if you want to stop feeling shame and guilt about sexuality, if you want to feel more comfortable with your sexuality and tap into that pleasure then I’m here for you, Diamonds. First of all, know that there’s nothing that’s gone wrong with you. You’re not broken. And you know what? You can solve your intimacy issues. You can let go of that shame and guilt, and you can tap into that passionate person that’s just waiting to come out. Let’s get on a strategy call together and let’s discuss how we can work together and how I can help you.

And know that a strategy call, it’s 100% a safe place, there is no judgment. We’ll talk about your intimacy situation, which is what’s going on right now. We’re also going to talk about your intimacy goals, what you would like your intimacy to look like in the future. And then we’ll talk about how we could possibly work together to come up with a personalized strategy plan for you so you can get the results that you need. So, Diamonds, I’m here for you, don’t wait another minute. Book that consultation call with me today and I can’t wait to talk to you.

You can get that consultation call by going to soniawrightmd.as.me. And the link is also in the show notes. Okay, have a great day. I can’t wait to talk to you. Take care.