Ep #12: Getting Out of Your Comfort Zone

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast, episode 12.

Female Announcer: Welcome to the Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello Diamonds. I hope you’re all doing well. This week is the week that we’re getting ready for thanksgiving in The States. And this morning I found myself feeling very grateful for the decision that I made to become a life coach and a sexual counselor. And I also found myself being pretty grateful for the wonderful opportunity that I have to work with all of you.

It got me thinking about my mission, my big audacious goal which is to positively impact the sex lives of over a million women. And you know what? I don’t know exactly how this is going to happen. But I know that this podcast is definitely going to be part of my mission. And so I’m thanking all of you for listening and to keep spreading the word.

I also wanted to touch on this idea that you don’t necessarily have to know exactly how it’s going to happen, exactly how you’re going to reach your goal. For instance with my big goal, the one to positively impact the sex lives of a million women, I could say to myself that I have to have it all planned out. That I have to know exactly how to do this before I start, or I could just get started, which one do you think is going to get me closer to my goal?

The thing is, even if you have a well-scripted plan, the plan is going to change over time. And when you actually reach your goal you’re going to find out that how you did it usually doesn’t look like the plan that you set out with. The important thing is that I’m willing to start and that you’re willing to start. All I have to do is just have a goal, have an idea in my mind where I’m willing to go and what I’m willing to do and then the rest will sort itself out over time.

I can’t achieve my big audacious goal by staying in my comfort zone. You know what? I have to be willing to step out and take some risks. Something that people don’t often focus on is that when you take the risk you also get all the benefits. In my case the benefit is doing to come from helping over a million women own their sexuality.

And you know what? Too often we think of our goals and the risks that we need to achieve these goals, we think of everything going wrong, instead of things going right. We put that emphasis on the catastrophe and that focusing on the catastrophe, that’s what keeps us stuck in our safe zones and our comfort zones. And you know what? It is the same thing with sexuality.

So many of you come to me and they ask me for help with this process of getting back to discovering your sexuality. But at the same time you don’t actually want to leave your comfort zone of where you are right now.

If we look back to episode seven when we were talking about that discussion, having the discussion, the one that you need to have with your partner or with yourself about the quality of the sexual intimacy in your life.

So many of my Diamonds tell me that they’d rather stay right where they are because it feels safer, it feels comfortable. They don’t push forward and have that discussion they need to have because they’re worried. They’re worried that they’re going to have to experience some emotional pain and that things might not end up the way they want, and that things might actually end up worse than they are right now. They’ve told me that they’re choosing comfort and safety in the now instead of anticipated emotional pain during the growth process.

They’re often worried about the possible disruption to the relationship if they actually take any actions, if they actually had that conversation, if they work towards that sex life that they actually want. So here’s an example of what I’ve often encountered with women that come to me for help. So maybe you need to learn about your body, and sexual care, and self-pleasure. Yes, I’m talking about masturbation.

Maybe you need to do the work to get to know your body, to find out what’s pleasurable for you and how your body responds to pleasure. But in order to do that work you’re going to have to be willing to challenge your thoughts and your beliefs about masturbation. And it might get uncomfortable. Maybe you have to deal with the thought that good girls don’t masturbate. Maybe it was a thought that was given to you when you were 13 or 14 but now you’re 45.

You might even have to deal with the thoughts and the shame about how you got to be 45 years of age and you don’t really know about your vulva, anatomy and your body. Or maybe your discomfort will be when you have to acknowledge that you’re a sexual being and what that means for your non-existent sex life right now in your relationship.

You know what? It probably looks and feels a lot safer to choose not to masturbate, to choose not to learn about your body. And to choose to not engage in sexual care because you think that it feels more comfortable where you are and you’re looking at the future and that looks scary. But you know what? You’re not taking into consideration the price that you’re actually paying for staying in this ‘comfortable place’.

So first off ask yourself this question, how comfortable is it really? Yes, it might be a familiar place but is it really comfortable? I suspect it’s more like that story about the pot of hot water and the frogs in the pot. The temperature of the water is slowly rising and the frogs aren’t feeling it. They’re not really aware of the change in temperature.

You know what? When I think about that story I think the frogs are actually aware that the temperature is changing. Maybe they sense it but they keep telling themselves, it’s a little hot in here, it’s not too bad. Yeah, it’s a little warm but it’s okay, I’m quite sure they’ll turn off the fire or change the temperature pretty soon. They sit there in the pot. They keep denying what the problem is again and again. And eventually it’s just too late.

Well, let me tell you Diamonds, you may be one of those frogs in the pot. And maybe you don’t want to know and maybe you don’t want to tell yourself that it’s actually getting pretty uncomfortable in this pot. You keep saying to yourself, “This is a safe zone, this is okay. It’s not too bad.” But while you’re busy trying to convince yourself that everything is fine, your sexual soul is crying out for something else. They want something better, something more. And you’re spending so much of your time pushing down that urge in your soul. What is it that your life is like right now?

Let’s look at this. Maybe you’ve started a new hobby. Maybe every other week you’re starting a new hobby. Maybe you’re scrapbooking but you know what? There’s not enough scrapbook in the world that’s going to fill the void of an unfulfilled sexual life. Maybe you’re spending hours on Facebook. Maybe you’re binge watching Netflix. What you’re actually doing is what I call buffering. And buffering is what we do when we use external things to avoid, dampen or block how we’re actually feeling emotionally.

But I bet pushing all of your feelings down and distracting yourself with different projects, and TV series, and Facebook is actually getting exhausting and frustrating. This comfortable safe place is also a place where you’re missing out on learning how to have satisfaction and to have pleasure in your sex life. It’s probably a place where you’re feeling less than. It’s probably a place where you’re likely judging yourself and feeling like something’s wrong with you. And it’s definitely a place where you’re feeling sexually frustrated.

My question to you is, is this a place that you want to stay for the next 40 years? When you look at it that way, are you really in a place of safety and comfort? And it’s that same thing if we go back to that difficult discussion. It seems like it’s easier to avoid having that difficult conversation. Your relationship with your partner, it’s kind of okay and you have a loving great friendship. So you’re asking yourself, why rock the boat? Well, let me help you by giving you a reason to rock the boat.

The only thing that’s missing in your life right now is actually a satisfying sex life. And you know what? You probably haven’t had consistent enjoyable sex for a few years now. You may not even be sure why the sexual part of your relationship has ended. And you haven’t had that conversation so you really have no idea what your partner’s thinking. And you really don’t have any idea how to fix this situation either. But you’re still saying, “At least I don’t have to rock the boat.”

You don’t have to worry about if you had this conversation what your partner’s reaction is going to be. You don’t have to deal with that discomfort, the feelings of being hurt, possible accusations. And you know what? It just seems so much safer to stay where you are right now and not necessarily have that conversation. But ask yourself, is this situation really working for you?

One of the main reasons women give me for not addressing this problem is that they’re worried about the conversation and what direction that conversation will take. They don’t really want to have the conversation because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings. They’re trying to protect their partner’s feelings and it seems like it’s a noble thing to do. You’re thinking about the other person that you love. And so it seems like it’s the right thing to do.

I have to correct some errors here. First of all I really want to be clear about this, that you’re not responsible for your partner’s reactions and feelings. You’re not responsible and you can’t control them, no matter what, you can’t control another person. You can’t control how another person feels or how another person behaves. You allow them to have the feelings that they have and you allow them to take the actions that they want to take. All you have control over are your thoughts, your feelings and your own actions. And they will lead to a specific result.

So you’re basically only able to process and manage your own feelings right now. And right now you’re feeling that you’re not sexually satisfied. You’re not having that pleasure that you deserve. And you’re spending so much time trying to avoid all the feelings, your feelings, your partner’s feelings, but you know what? Processing the feelings is how you fix the problem. You have to go through the feelings. You can’t avoid the feelings. Yeah, I have to be truthful, these feelings may be uncomfortable. They may feel big and heavy.

But if you look at it, the worst case scenario is only a feeling. And if you really look closely, the work that you’re currently doing is avoiding a feeling. So where you are right now when you’re suppressing your sadness, or the fact that you’re not having the sexual pleasure that you want, you’re avoiding a feeling. And when you look at the future, and if you’re actually needed to have that conversation and you’re not having it, you’re avoiding a feeling, either way, you’re avoiding a feeling, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.

When you’re ready to start to feel the feelings you can work through them. And you can get closer to your goal of better intimacy if you start to feel the feelings, if you process those feelings, you can write about them. You can journal about them. Talk to your partner. Find out what’s going on. Remember, it’s only a feeling and the feelings cannot kill you. Underneath all that buffering that’s going on right now, I bet that you’re feeling pretty sad. And you might even be feeling kind of hopeless.

If you’re headed towards your goal, yes, you’ll be feeling some uncomfortable feelings, but you have to realize that you’re feeling some uncomfortable feelings right now.

When I look back to when I was in a previous relationship that had lack of intimacy, I was really putting a lot of energy and focus on other areas of my life. I felt like I was running, running, running, so I didn’t have to stop and feel the feelings. I was always on the go. I always had some sort of project that was going on. I was having to do more, be more of a mother, be more of a doctor, be more in my business. I was really accomplishing a lot but I was actually hurting inside. I was hurting and I really didn’t know what to do, so I just kept pushing that pain away.

And when I look back at that situation, you know what? I was pretty exhausted too. I was exhausted because I was pushing away the pain. And I was exhausted because I was running around all the time doing those million different things so that I could avoid the pain. But do you know what? The pain was still there. And every time I stopped the activities the sadness would come back. That sadness was around the lack of sexual intimacy in my relationship and it just kept coming for a visit again and again.

And it got to the place where I was sad a lot of the time. I was either exhausted from running around doing things or I was sad. And I found myself, I was crying in the shower and I was crying on my way to work, and on my way home. It’s like any time I was by myself the sadness would come up, I couldn’t suppress it and I couldn’t distract myself anymore.

And like many of you, I was not having that conversation because I was trying to protect my partner and I was worried about the awkwardness of the situation and how it would feel to have to have that conversation. So I kept avoiding it. I was like that frog in the pot. And eventually it got too hot and the relationship ended, not because we addressed the problem, but actually because we never addressed the problem.

So take a look at where you are right now and what’s going on with you. And it’s time to ask yourself some questions. Ask yourself exactly what are you avoiding, what exactly feels safer to avoid than to address about your sexual intimacy issue? Is it actually safer where you are right now or are you hiding from your imagined discomfort of the future, around having that conversation or around doing that work? If you look at it, it’s really just an illusion of safety right now. Ask yourself if it’s really safe and comfortable where you are.

Or are you spending a lot of time suppressing how you’re really feeling? Is this place really better than tackling the issue with yourself and with your partner? Diamonds, please know that it’s okay, it’s okay to feel all the emotions. It’s okay to think all the thoughts. And it’s okay to experience the discomfort while you’re working through the problem and getting closer to the solution. Seriously, ask yourself where you want to be in six months. Do you want to be working on the solution or do you want to be stuck in the problem?

You have a choice, what do you want your results to be? Do you want the result to be that you’ve avoided the problem and you’ve actually binge watched 30 new Netflix series? Or do you want the result to be that your sexual intimacy problems have actually improved? The choice is yours. The decision is yours. No one else can make this decision but you.

Do the mind work necessary to at least look at where you are at this point. Look at your sexual starting point and ask yourself, is this where you want to be six months from now? Do you want to remain stuck in this problem or do you want to be doing something about it, addressing the tough emotional and physical work that needs to be done to get closer to your solution. The choice really is yours.

Okay Diamonds, that’s all I have for you this week. It’s your choice and you know that I’m going to love you either way. But I do love you enough to ask you to do the hard work, to look at where you are right now and to be truthful with yourself. Is this where you want to be? And if not, then what’s stopping you from going forward?

Okay Diamonds, till next week, take care, Dr. Sonia out.

To celebrate the launch of the Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast I’m going to be giving away a $50 Amazon gift card to five lucky listeners who subscribe, rate and review the show on Apple Podcast. It doesn’t have to be a five star review, although I would really love it if it were a five star review. But more importantly, I want your honest feedback so I can create an amazing show that provides tons of value.

Visit www.soniawrightmd.com/podcastlaunch to learn more about the contest and how you can enter. I’ll be announcing the winners on the show in an upcoming episode.

Okay, that’s all for now, see you next time Diamonds.

Female Announcer: Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of the Midlife Sex Coach for Women Podcast. If you enjoy Dr. Sonia’s fun and caring approach to sexual intimacy, head to soniawrightmd.com to learn more.