Ep #163: Coaching Conversations: Renew

Hello, hello, you are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, episode 163. I am Dr. Jennings sitting in for Dr. Sonia Wright.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hello my friends, hello, Diamonds. What a pleasure to be here. If I sound a little different it’s because I am. So my bestie, Dr. Sonia Wright and I have been going through the three phases of the process I use to help women heal their parental abandonment issues related to being a fatherless daughter. So they can end self-sabotage and then create a life full of freedom, self-love and safety. In our last two podcasts we’ve talked about phase one and two which is release and restore.

And today we are talking about the third phase, which is renew. So settle in, buckle up, here we go. It’s my pleasure to sit in for Dr. Wright and have the microphone. We could play all day and have all kinds of fun here. Alright, so if you recall, for release, we’re releasing the old story, just a little bit of a recap for you. We’re releasing that old story and healing that wound of parental abandonment and then you can step out of that identity. And actually I like to say use it, use the strength of it and live in all of the strengths that that is giving you, but that’s another day.

Phase two would be restore and that is restoring you [inaudible]. This is post-trauma drive. This is you when you’re not being compelled by the coping skills that have helped you survive. But you are now living into the coping skills that help you to thrive and live and create an extraordinary life. Which leads us to phase three, which is renew. And in this phase, you create a vision of what’s possible. You renew your focus on creating your life by design. I call it your dream life within this.

Again, you reimagine possible, and I have a specific structure for creating your dream life by step. And I would love to share that with you today in the context of sexual intimacy. Because creating the life of your dreams includes creating the sexual intimacy of your dreams. Some of us think, how do I do that or I should do that. So even if you are not dealing with the wound of parental abandonment, which those are specifically the types of women that I serve, this process is still for you, why? Because we’re creating your dream life.

And to create your dream life, you don’t have to have experienced major trauma. You could just decide, what else could I experience? How much better could this be? What if I wanted to expand on my current experience? So again, the drive can be for what you want to create even if you don’t have to overcome a significant issue in the past. And so we start by recognizing that there are six main areas of life.

And I always say I’m open to getting feedback on how there might be a different area of life that’s not accounted for here. But I believe that everything that we experience, everything that makes up this amazing life of ours comes under six categories and maybe it can be broken down under those categories. Let’s see. And in no particular order, those categories, so make sure you get that pen and paper. We’re going to do a lot of how to. We’re going to walk you through the steps.

So if you’re driving, just enjoy driving. Take this in and begin to imagine what things could be for you. But if you happen to be home or somewhere where you can take notes then take some notes so that you can implement these steps. Alright, so those six areas of life include health and wellness as one, then personal development, relationships.

And underneath relationships I get it, there are a variety of categories perhaps, relationship with you. Relationship with your significant other, family, and even that broader connection of relationship to neighbors and strangers and maybe casual acquaintances. But still the category is relationships.

Then there’s financial or money. I also like to use the term, provision because sometimes things don’t get paid, they get forgiven and that too is provision. And so, however that fits for you is just fine, just to understand the category is about money, finances, provision. Either one of those terms will work for you.

And then the category of faith or if you prefer the term spirituality. And then finally the category of career or business. Now, you may say, “I’m a student and I [inaudible] career yet but I’m working towards it.” Well then your job is being a student, So this is the category for you. For us today, for [inaudible] purposes, when we consider sexual intimacy just for simplicity, I’m going to put it under health and wellness. Because we talk about sexual health and wellness all the time.

You may want to include this in relationships or even personal development, especially if you’re expanding and stretching literally and figuratively. Hello. Innuendoes are back, my friends. So, okay, Diamonds, here we go.

So under health and wellness, you’ve got your category. And your next column would be goals or intentions. Sometimes I’m not too crazy about the term goals and so I prefer intentions because goals immediately might make you feel like it’s pass or fail, I could screw this up. Whatever term lands best with you, sounds right, makes sense, feels best, helps you capture the vision of what you want to achieve in this area. So the area is health and wellness and we want to list three goals or intentions. Some of those can be immediate.

Next, another one might be long term, so immediate goal, next being over the next few weeks even and another one could be in six months to a year. However, I share all of this with you and this is a tool for you to use. You are not here to fit into the mold of the tool. The tool is here for you to use. So if you want to identify even just start with one goal, that’s fine. If you want three goals that you could do over the next week or few weeks, then do that, totally fine. We want you to get the idea and then make it work for you.

So column one, if you’re making notes again, is the areas and our area is health and wellness. The next column would be your goals or intentions. And you might list, and I’ll throw out some samples just so we have some structure here for our purposes today. So a goal might be to increase the number of times I have sex per week. For some that might be from three to four, for others it might be zero to one. Also, I want you to be mindful here. It’s a vague statement that says increase the number of times I have sex per week.

It does not identify partnered or un-partnered. You get to decide that. This way you are not dependent on reaching this goal only if someone else cooperates. You have complete command of this. Another goal might be increase the number of orgasms I have or it could be the orgasm for the first time. And that can be completely independent of the first goal. And then a third goal or intention might be, understand my own anatomy or understand my own pleasure zones. How do you experience pleasure?

So this could take some exploring and this is something you might do over a period of time. For example, you could explore this yourself, you could explore this with others. You could explore this with a toy. You could explore this simply with water in the shower. There’s all kinds of ways to discover how you perceive pleasure and whether that’s from literally sexual activity or whether that’s having your toes tickled or the back of your neck kissed, entirely up to you. So that’s something that would be kind of on a continuum.

So again, to recap, column one is the area and we’re using health and wellness. Then area two is the list of goals for that area, ideally three goals or intentions or things you would like to achieve. And then the third column adjacent to each goal, you want to identify what are the weekly activities to support achieving this goal. So you can label that weekly activities. And just know that is specifically for that goal. So increase the number of times I have sex. It might be simple in column three for supporting that goal number one is have sex.

And let’s just say we’re going from zero times a week to one time a week, then have sex twice a week. It’s measurable. It’s observable. That’s also significant about the items in this column, these weekly activities. So you simply have sex. That might mean scheduled sex, leave two nights a week open or stay in bed longer one morning or do something in the middle of the day. One might be partnered sex, one might be by yourself. You get to define that. So you might need to leave space or time. So don’t fill up your calendar.

And if you have a really unpredictable schedule, you’ve got kids and you make phone calls all the time. Well, when can you? Put your brain to work for you there. What would work versus how can I sabotage myself out the gate here? What would work, staying in bed a little longer a Sunday morning or a Saturday morning? One time with your partner, one time self-pleasure. So leave your calendar open, make space. And then make the effort. And if that includes using a toy, use a toy. If that includes self-pleasure in the bathtub, then go take a bath, lock the doors and have fun.

So you’re creating the environment and taking the initiative. Every one of you has your own situation and I bet you can figure out exactly how that would work for you. And the second one, increase the number of orgasms. This kind of might be where two and three of our example goals could work together. You might actually discover more about your pleasure zones in the pursuit of either increasing the number of times you orgasm or having your first orgasm.

So what might be a weekly activity? You might need to do a little research. Being here is part of making that happen. Reviewing more of Dr. Sonia’s previous podcasts, introducing a toy. There are times where everybody is different. Everybody’s body is different, Diamonds. So how does it work for your body? Sometimes we might need deeper stimulation and again, we know that’s clitoral stimulation if we’re soloed or not.

And so how can you get more clitoral stimulation and focus? And is that really more direct pressure? If that’s too painful, do you need to wear panties or just be dressed entirely? And then you can tolerate that kind of pressure. Do you want a toy? Do you want a really thumping toy? Do you want a licking toy or a licking person to increase the number of orgasms you have or to have your first one? And then understanding my own anatomy. Literally, we’ve gone through that with Dr. Sonia on this podcast.

And you can certainly Google, understanding vulva, vagina differences, clitoris and areas of those nerve endings can be found in general. And again, everybody’s body is different. You may want to read or listen to Becoming Cliterate, where she has an entire chapter that talks about the anatomy. There are images. There are ways to understand where to and what to explore. So now we have our area. We have our goals or intentions and we have our weekly activities.

So instead of giving you every single one for each one of those goals, I’m going to try to get you started and really just give you the idea. The next column and this may start sounding labored but here’s what we’re going into right now. This first three things we’ve done is really just what do I need to do. This next column is what compels you to keep going, compels you to make your wants and needs a priority.

You see, when we understand that our wants and our needs are valid, we will no longer be satisfied with seeking out other people who don’t see it that way and cannot fulfill them. When you see your needs as worthy and valid then you will no longer be seeking out your needs to be fulfilled by someone else who doesn’t see it the same way. And so they get to have your attention.

So this next column asks you to dive a little deeper because we say, “Well, I’ve needed to do this but why don’t I just make it a priority? What will this give you? When you have more sex, increase the number of orgasms you have or have your first orgasm, or when you understand your own pleasure zones and how your body works, what will that give you? What will that give you? If you were coming at this because you’re trying to save your relationship by showing up more. Now we may have a motivation driven more by trying to avoid the pain of a problem in a relationship.

Or are you coming at it from a perspective, love, loving you, appreciating that you deserve to be loved and valued and your pleasure needs matter? And all of this will help build connection with you and your sexual partner, [inaudible] actually focus on building connection. As we focus on building connection then maybe we don’t have to worry about the fear of the what if? So as we ask questions, we’re getting to the root of what’s compelling us to do this.

And as we understand what’s compelling us to do this we then can ensure, we can seek out why are we being driven to avoid pain or a loss to protect ourselves, to prevent something? Or are you being compelled toward something desirable like pleasure and connection and validation and your needs being met? What will you have when you do this or what will doing this give you? Kind of a deeper question, takes a minute.

Steps one, two and three are not dependent on four, but four will help this go to a deeper level with a more positive motivation. And when I work with clients, very often this does disclose, if you will, bring out in the open, shed some light on a sense of it’s unusual for them to focus on their needs being met. It’s been seen as maybe selfish who think of themselves as a priority. They have been more of the mindset that they are here for what others need. It can be a foreign concept to be here for your own desires.

So there’s opportunity for a lot of healing, for a deeper connection, for a more meaningful experience and a more evolved you. And that’s what I call a dream life. You’re deliberate, you are reflective, you are expansive, you are aligned and you are mindful. And this structure is just a snapshot of the process of renewing your vision of what is possible for you and creating a life by design. And today, we have taken this process and overlaid it onto creating the sexual intimacy of your dreams because why not? Seriously.

So I hope as we pull all of this together, the release, restore and renew, I hope this pulls it all together for you of particularly in the context of sexual intimacy, you as a sexual being, identifying your story within that. Recognizing who you are and how you want to show up within this. And then creating it by design, creating your sexual experience, your sexual life by design. If you’re single, then you get to identify that for you and then bring into your life, people who align with that.

And if you currently are partnered, now you get to bring in your partner in the conversation. However, as you know through multiple conversations with Dr. Sonia, your sexual health and wellness is in your own hands. So we are not dependent on somebody else but certainly that can be part of it. But I wonder if you sat down with them and talked about what would be your dream life scenario for sexual intimacy in the partnership, that could be a lot of fun to outline. And most of all, let’s have fun with this. Let’s have fun with this. Let it be adventurous and light and enjoyable.

Okay, my friends, I hope this answers your questions and sparks some more so we can just continue to explore and grow, expand, Diamonds, so you can literally again, over and over, I can’t say this enough, create the sexual intimacy experience of your dreams because you deserve it. So I want to thank Dr. Sonia for letting me share this process with you. I hope that it supports you and helps you continue creating more and more of a dream life that you deserve. Talk to you soon.

Hello, hello, hello, Diamonds, have you heard the amazing news? Dr. Sonia, that would be me and my amazing team has started a sex coaching and life coaching monthly membership program called The Lit Clit Club. The Lit Clit Club was made just for you. It’s a safe place where women can come to create the lives that they want, the lives that you want. It’s a place where you get to talk openly about your sexual concerns and be heard. There’s no judgment, no reprimand, no labels, just acceptance, knowledge and freedom.

It’s a place where you get to ask all the questions that you ever wanted to ask about sex and about life too. You get to dream big and create your life your way inside and outside the bedroom. You know I love the concept of creating the life that you want inside and outside the bedroom, that soul bursting life that you deserve. So come to the club for the sexual intimacy coaching and stay for the empowerment and the freedom.

Do you have questions about libido, menopause? Lord help us, menopause is no joke. Sexual health, relationships, sexual orientation, pleasure equality and orgasms, religion and intimacy? I am not finished with this list yet. Maybe you have questions about toys, maybe about non-monogamy. Perhaps you’re interested in BDSM, maybe self-love, self-pleasure. Maybe you have questions about self-orientation. Maybe you need to work on healing from trauma.

Maybe body image is something that you want to focus more on and definitely embodiment. Perhaps creating the life of your dreams or journeying to your authentic self. Maybe you just want to stop people pleasing. Whatever questions you have and concerns you have, we have the answers and the coaching that you need. In all actuality, you have the answers inside of you. And the coaching will help bring that out. And you know what? You get to choose how you want to be coached.

You can be coached by video, by audio only or you can use the questions and answers session, it’s whatever works for you. You get to sit back and relax and get the help that you need and your cameras are off. And every month we have a new workshop in addition to our regular coaching sessions. So click on the link below in the show notes and find out more about The Lit Clit Club. We can’t wait to see you there in the club, come join us. Things are just starting to heat up. Alright, Dr. Sonia out. Love you all, Diamonds.