Ep #157: 10 Reasons to Celebrate Menopause

You are listening to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast episode 157.

Welcome to The Midlife Sex Coach for Women™ Podcast, the only show that combines a fun personality, medical knowledge, sexual counseling, and life coaching together. To create unique sex coaching that helps busy women awaken their libidos, address intimacy issues, and learn how to express their sexuality for the rest of their days. Here is your host, certified life coach and sexual counselor, Dr. Sonia Wright.

Hey Diamonds, how are you all doing, it’s Dr. Sonia here. I have been thinking a lot about menopause, and I really wanted to revisit a couple of podcasts that I had done earlier in the year about menopause. Because I am finding more and more women are dealing with the issue around menopause and really want to talk about it in terms of what their thoughts are, what their experiences are, how sexuality fits into the world of menopause. And I’m also going to be doing an interview with Dr. Kelly Casperson all about Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause, that’s going to be coming up.

So I wanted to reintroduce the topic of menopause and thoughts about it and look into it a little bit before we get to that podcast episode as well. So enjoy this podcast and we will be talking more about menopause and so looking forward to that interview with Dr. Kelly Casperson. Okay, menopause days are here, let’s do this. Alright, Diamonds, Dr. Sonia will be talking to you soon.

Hello, hello, hello Diamonds. It’s Dr. Sonia, so excited to be here with you, really, I am. This is actually one of my favorite times, I just get to sit and talk to you, and it just makes me happy. So, thank you, thank you for being you, and thank you for allowing me to come into your lives on a weekly basis and talk about some fun things.

Well, today we’re continuing our discussion about celebrating menopause. I know so much negativity has been said around menopause and I really want to set the record straight. At 56 years of age there have been challenges around menopause, I’m not going to lie. But at the same time, I really feel like it set me free, and it set a lot of other women free.

I just want to celebrate menopause. And as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve learned so much from the women of OYSN! For those of you that are not familiar, OYSN! (Own Your Sexuality Now!) is my signature program that I run once a year in January. It’s a 12-week program, and we talk about everything related to sex and sexual intimacy.

But it seems to go beyond that, of course we talk about sexuality, and we redefine it for ourselves. But we also end up redefining our entire lives and it’s really an amazing thing to watch these women come to a place of empowerment. I wanted to share with you the number of lessons that I’ve learned in my life, and I’ve also learned by having the honor to host Own Your Sexuality Now!

I am reframing it in the context of menopause, but really the women in the group generally range in age from mid-30s to late 60s. Menopause is kind of a defining line, but usually it’s perimenopause, menopause and post-menopause that the majority of women are dealing with in some way.

I don’t think it’s too early to start talking about this. If you’re not menopausal at this point in time, I really want to add to the discussion and add a positive bend to the thing because there’s so much negativity around menopause. But I really want people to understand the amazing aspects of perimenopause, menopause and post-menopausal time in a woman’s life.

I really believe it’s a time that’s meant to be celebrated. So, I came up with my top 10 reasons, in no particular order, that we should celebrate menopause. So, Diamonds, here it is, let’s talk about the joys around menopause.

Okay, the first one that came to my mind was all the money you can save by not having to buy tampons or pads. Just that alone, I think is reason for celebration. But decide right now, when you no longer have to buy those things, that you’re going to take that money and treat yourself monthly or yearly, if you want to save it up. But you’re going to treat yourself in some way to celebrate this aspect of your life.

It’s not so much of a loss as it is an ability to tap into your freedom. This is just like… I can’t even tell you. I never have to have a tampon in my pocket. My daughter is getting to the age where I may need to start putting it in there just in case she forgets. But I don’t have to have a tampon or a pad, or worry about any of those things. There’s so much freedom in that.

So, I say, look to the future, not to the past. Of course, I am that kind of mother that is going to have a ceremony when my daughter has her period for the first time. I’m going to do candles, and chanting, and just have so much fun with the whole thing. She’s going to be totally embarrassed and be like, “Why, why?”

But I do remember, when I was a little kid, I got my period at 10 and nobody talked about it. Like, it was a shameful thing. Almost like there was a mourning, like a shroud over the lives, like Sonia’s childhood had ended and now she’s going to have to deal with this problem. But I remember, I had this one aunty that said to me how wonderful it was. The look in her eye, she was so excited and pleased and proud, that that was something that I kept with me.

As my daughter goes through this process, where eventually she will have her period, somewhere in the next couple of years, I am going to celebrate that with her. But also, on the other side, I kind of imagine that same aunty looking at me with pride and excitement when the menopausal time comes. When you go those 12 months without a period and you’re post-menopausal.

I want to be that aunty for you, or that friend for you, and I want to celebrate with you and be there to say, “This is only the beginning, the best is yet to come.” And so, part of all of this is a celebration. Really, a celebration; if you want a ceremony, if you want to get your friends together and come up with a ceremony. Maybe it’s a pad or a tampon burning ceremony, whatever it is.

I’m totally 100% down with ceremonies, and really to understand that this is just the beginning. So, I’ll be doing a ceremony for my daughter, and you know what? Maybe I’ll do a ceremony for myself. It’s just a wonderful time in a woman’s life.

Number two. You always get to be hot, no matter what. Okay, it might be in the form of a hot flash, but also, I want you to know that “hot” is a mindset. You are beautiful and amazing and sexy all the time, if you decide that’s the case. You get to define your self-concept. At this point on, society might like to tell us that our self-concept should be one of sadness or transition or something’s going wrong, and lack of vitality. That’s all bullshit, I’m just going to tell you right now.

This is the time to celebrate and to really create your self-concept, your post-menopausal self-concept. Who are you? Who do you want to be? For me, I’m a badass. I’m a beautiful, amazing, sexy badass. That’s what it’s going to be. Yeah, not every day. I don’t wake up every day going, “Damn, you’re sexy,” but I do. I do, quite a bit of the time.

That is part of my self-concept, and this is something you 100% get to decide. Who are you going to be from this moment on? Who and what is your self-concept? You get to determine it. You get to decide. Just realize that it’s a choice that you have. You get to decide how you want to think of yourself in this post-menopausal part of your life.

So, please, be very intentional about your self-concept. Don’t borrow it from anybody else. A self-concept comes from you, self, internal. Don’t borrow somebody else’s ideas about what a post-menopausal woman is supposed to be. You get to create it and decide it for yourself.

Three. I really like this one. You get to give up being a perfectionist. So much about our lives as women is that we have to be perfect. We have to look perfect; we have to act perfect; we have to be selfless, we have to be the perfect mother, the perfect whatever in your job, the perfect partner.

There’s so much perfect and there’s so much pressure, and you get to give it all up. You know what I like? It’s when you’re in the perimenopausal time, and heading into post-menopausal time, you will realize your memory is not the way it was before. You’ll be like, “Oh my God, what has happened with your brain?”

But with your brain shifting and you needing to write lists and figure out different ways to remember things, you also kind of have this letting go that happens. At the beginning it’s frustrating, and then you get to this place where you’re like, “Wait, my brain doesn’t work exactly the way it worked before.” And let me tell you, it gets better, it comes back. I don’t have to write tons of lists like I used to.

But there is a period of time where you feel like you’re losing your mind. With that losing of the mind, I also think you might as well just get rid of the perfectionist tendencies at the same time. Which is pretty cool. So, you get to give yourself permission to not be perfect, not to remember everything, to need the help of lists, and to not do this the way society says that it has to be done.

You get to give yourself instead, love and kindness and compassion. A sense of humor always helps in these situations, I have to say. My sense of humor helps me all the time, but you don’t have to be hard on yourself anymore. You can actually just live your life and give up this perfectionist tendency.

Four. The government, and anybody else in society, whatever, no longer has control over your body. They don’t fucking care anymore. You get complete control over your body. You get to decide what you want to do with it, what you don’t want to do with it, nobody is telling you what has to be done. When you’re post-menopausal it’s like it’s not defined. In some ways, it is kind of like you’re invisible. But that’s okay, invisibility also allows you to define yourself.

You get to decide that, hell no, you’re not invisible in any way; and it’s also good. But you get to make complete choices without anybody else having sovereignty over your body. Do you know how good that is? Do you know how good that feels to not have some person with some political agenda down the road having control over your choices in life? That’s a beautiful thing.

Along those lines, if you haven’t done so already, you get to make peace with your body. So, that’s number five. You get to make peace with your body. You get to really love it. You get to appreciate it exactly as it is right now. It’s going to be with you for the next 50 years on this journey, you might as well come to a place of peace, loving understanding with your body, and definitely appreciation.

You no longer have to listen to society that says you have to be a size four. You get to be exactly who you are and how you want to be, and how you want to show up in this world. You can stop the struggle. You can really, really, really start loving your body. You can start loving your tummy, your belly, you can start loving your thighs, you can start loving your hips.

Do you notice the place that we focus so much on, that we don’t like, are areas that really are what set us apart as a woman? Our hips, our tummy, our thighs, we spend so much time not liking them. Our breasts, our breasts are not big enough, our breasts are not small enough, blah, blah, blah. All that gets to end.

You get to just love your body the way it is right now. Treat it well. Be kind to it. Give it massages. You get to do all the things you’ve ever wanted to do, and be kind and loving towards your body.

Okay, six. You finally get to do you. You get to create the rest of your life, whatever you want that to be. You get to make that decision and create it now. You get to give yourself permission to do it all. Anything you’ve ever dreamed of, now is the time. You get to do it. You are young and healthy. Now is the time you finally get to be in the driver’s seat, and you get to be in the driver’s seat for the next 50 years.

You get to decide what’s important to you and you get to go after that. This is the point in time where you can ask yourself, what is it that I want to do? What is important to me? You get to make that decision to go for it.

It does not matter, if you want to get another degree, go head and get another degree. If you want to go hike some trail, go hike the trail. If you want to eat bonbons every week, go ahead and eat your bonbons. Make sure you’re staying on a healthy path, but honestly, what this is about is you get to decide you. You get to decide what you want to do and you get to go after it. This is it; this is the turning point where you get to focus on you.

Okay, number seven. You get to demand all the pleasure that you want in life. Okay, I said this one is about life and last week was about sex and sexuality, but I had to put that in there. So, you get to demand all the pleasure that you want. You get to focus on your sexuality.

But this is more than sexual pleasure. You get to demand all the pleasure that you want in life, in whatever way you want it. You get to enjoy yourself. Give yourself permission, in whatever way you want. I’m here for it. And it gets to be a good thing.

Number eight. You don’t have to give a fuck anymore. You will get to that place where you have no more fucks to give. You stop trying to control others. You stop trying to control situations. You may even give up being right all the time, and you just allow life to unfold. You become more the observer and let people live their life and you live your own.

There is so much freedom in just allowing people to be who they are and not trying to control… Well, let me just say, you can’t control another person anyway. You’ll just end up being in a pretty frustrated place. But you get to let that all go.

You get to just allow people to be themselves and to do whatever it is that they’re going to do. When you release them, you also release yourself and you allow yourself to do whatever it is that you actually want to do.

For me, I love the concept of the Crone; the wise woman who lives her life for her. So, if you want to dye your hair purple, go on that trip, and do all those things that helps to make you feel alive, then do it. Live that ‘no regrets’ life.

My ultimate goal, when I think of a ‘no regrets’ life, is when I’m on my deathbed, I don’t want to be regretting anything. I don’t want to be sitting there saying, “I should have done something.” My plan, in my 90s, is to be in a rocking chair somewhere, periodically, because I don’t have plans to slow down.

But periodically, I’m going to sit in a rocking chair and I’m going to giggle to myself over all the naughty things I’ve done in my life, on all the risks that I’ve taken in my life, and all the times people told me I couldn’t do it and I did it anyway.

There were so many times where people were like, “Yeah, no, you can’t do that Sonia. That’s not what you do.” I may have had trepidation, and I may have beaten myself up emotionally, but ultimately, I always went back to this: I don’t want a regretful life. It’s ‘no regrets’ living.

So, if it’s starting medical school at 32, or having a baby in my second year of medical school, or deciding that I’m going to become a sexual counsellor, and go the path of a life coach when I’m a medical doctor. All the times in my life where I’ve done something where people were like, “I don’t think you want to do that,” it has ended up enriching my life so much and making me more the person I was meant to always be.

I love who I am now, and that’s because I’ve made choices and I’ve taken some risks and I’ve done things that people said you can’t do, or you shouldn’t do. So, obviously I’m not telling you to break any laws; I am not telling you that; there is a disclaimer here. Please do not break any laws, but also please live your life. What is it that you would like to do so that you have a ‘no regrets’ life? This is the time. This is what I love. This is when you get to be like, “Okay, okay, I’m going to live my life now.”

Number nine. You get to create all the relationships the way you would like them. You don’t have to wait on anyone to have the good relationship that you want. You get to decide now. Is there a relationship that you would like to heal? Then, now is the time. Accept where the relationship is right now.

And do the work to heal your heart, to come to terms with where you are. Ask yourself, coming from a place of love, what is the best thing for you around this relationship? And coming from a place of love, what is the best thing for them?

What you want may not be what is best for either of you, so recognize that. You can choose to have difficult conversations with people, or you may decide that you don’t need to go there for that conversation. You know what’s best. But you can heal a relationship, at least in your mind, and come to a place of acceptance.

If you feel that there is a relationship that you would like to improve, and the other person would also like to improve that relationship, then go ahead and have those difficult conversations and do the work.

Ten. You get to focus on your legacy. You were put on this Earth for a reason, it’s not just to slog through life and then die at the end. There’s something that you’re meant to contribute to this world in some way, and you get to decide what that is. But spend some time looking at what your legacy is and what you want your legacy to be about.

Doing this work, this is part of my legacy. This podcast will live on after I’m gone. Who knows who’s going to listen to it? It might just be my great-grandchildren. I’m going to tell them hello right now, and that I love you all, and I’m so proud of you. But it is going to continue on. That’s part of a legacy. What is it that you want to give the next generation, and the generation after that, to make this world a better place?

It doesn’t have to be something that’s amazing. But it does have to be something that’s impactful. Maybe it’s just raising that one person with a sense of love so that they give that to the next generation, and the next generation, and the next generation.

In my family history there’s a lot of trauma, but I am very thankful to my parents that they chose not to hand that type of trauma, violence, down to the next generation. So, I thank them very much. They may not see that, but that is part of their legacy.

Also, part of their legacy is making decisions, at 17 and 19, to leave their country of origin to make a better future for themselves, and ultimately for their children. They didn’t know what their future was going to be, but they made a decision and that has a legacy to it.

So, what legacy that you would like to leave to future generations? How would you like to make this world a better place than when you came in? Now is the time to start thinking about that and to create the legacy that you want.

I’m going to give you a bonus one. Women in midlife, hear me when I say, this is all about empowerment. You may have been afraid to claim your power in the past, but now you’re stepping into your empowerment.

Diamonds, listen to me, you’re very powerful women, every last one of you. You get to claim that power. You get to choose the course of your life, and it can impact yourself and many other people. Choose wisely, but do make a choice. Don’t flounder in life. Embrace the power that is yours and create the life that you want for yourself, and for generations to come. Include the people you love and the people you want to have an impact on.

Make that ‘no regrets’ life. Choose the empowerment and recognize that it’s a really good place to be. You don’t have to be afraid. You’re not a victim. You get to choose the life that you want and you get to fight for that life. All you have to do is give up all the crap that we’ve been taught, and we’ve been told, about ‘happy ever after.’

There is kind of a ‘happy ever after’ but it doesn’t come from somebody else choosing you, it comes from you choosing you and choosing the life that you want. This is what menopause and post-menopausal time, and perimenopausal time, is about.

We make that transition, where we’re thinking other people are going to make us happy, and we make that time of transition till we realize that we are empowered and we are the ones that are going to make ourselves happy. We are the ones that make the choices to create the life that we want. This is the power of menopause. This is the celebration. And this is why I’m choosing to do this podcast today.

Okay, Diamonds, that’s all I have for you. Go out there and celebrate your perimenopausal time, your menopausal time, and your post-menopausal time. Wherever you are on this journey, celebrate it. Know that’s exactly where you’re supposed to be and you get to create the future that you want. Okay, Dr. Sonia out. Love you all, Diamonds.

Hello, hello, hello, Diamonds. Have you heard the amazing news? Dr. Sonia, that would be me, and my amazing team, has started a sex coaching and life coaching monthly membership program called The Lit Clit Club.

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Do you have questions about libido, or menopause? Lord, help us, menopause is no joke. Sexual health, relationships, sexual orientation, pleasure equality and orgasms, religion and intimacy? You know, I am not finished with this list yet.

Maybe you have questions about toys? Maybe about non-monogamy? Perhaps you’re interested in BDSM? Maybe self-love, self-pleasure? Maybe you have questions about sexual orientation? Maybe you need to work on healing from trauma? Maybe body image is something that you want to focus more on? And definitely, embodiment. Perhaps creating a life of your dreams, or journeying to your authentic self? Maybe you just want to stop people pleasing?

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All right, Dr. Sonia out. Love you all, Diamonds.